He's An Albaniac, Al-BAAAA-niac On The Floor

Very funny article on Albania's prospects for the 2008 Olympics.

Here's a sample link from it:

Start Printing The Albaniac Shirts!

Prediction for 2008:
Continued housing problems lead the US into a mild recession and popping the China stock market bubble. Civil unrest in China follows. With all the world watching Beijing because of the Olympics, its leaders dare not use military force and are overthrown.

No, no. They'd still use military force. Then the big Presidential debate would become whether the US should boycott the Olympics.

Mitt Romney will take both sides.

With the US out of the picture, Albania wins its first Olympic medal.

The British Are Coming

I got my Comfy Sack and after several days suffering from rhinovirus strain ABF (Albanian blood feud) I finally put it together and tried it out.

I was a little excited to try it.
My left hand is holding a glass of Nestea. Ahhh!


It's very soft.


Very, very, soft.

This thing is so comfortable. It's like a womb. A womb with a view (of the TV). A giant 7 1/2 foot long womb. According to my research (meaning I'm guessing) it's like laying in a Humpback whale womb.

If that sounds good to you, please help save the whales and buy a weplica womb instead.

Wenting a womb is also a possibility but much more expensive.

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How do I get out of this #%$&@! thing!?

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Never mind, I figured it out. You have to leave head first!

The Frito Bandito Would Love This Post

If you read the comments for the previous post, you'd have found that my friend got an iPhone for xmas. Another friend was planning to get his kid an iTouch. Another kid wants an iPod. Someone else bought themselves an iMac.

I caught an iCold, which iSucks and I've slept quite iLate. I still plan to do a little iWork today but first I'll have some iCereal, then drop an iDeuce and take an iShower.

This post is so annoying I want to gouge out my own iEyes.

iSigned,
iJay

Why Is AC/DC Playing In My Head?

I was going to write a piece about my sack but I haven't got my hands on it yet. I'm still waiting to hear those magic words: I've got your sack right here. (Even funnier if I name my sack Paul Revere.)

I expect my sack to be very comfortable (perfect for one or two people). I'll mostly use my sack while watching TV but also while eating or reading. Unlike the guy in the video, I think I'll keep my sack in the living room as opposed to dragging it around everywhere I go.

That's about the most disturbing video I've ever seen.

My Monkey Towers Above All!

As you may remember, I shot my monkey onto the steps of my apartment and predicted 10 hurricanes this season and, amazingly, this was correct!

There were 6 Atlantic hurricanes and 4 Pacific hurricanes. Who would have thought that playing with my monkey could reap such rewards! It's even better at predictions than my Magic 2-Ball.

With A Vacation Like That, Who Needs Enemies

I don't often remember my dreams. Almost never actually. But I do vaguely remember one from a few days ago in my parents' house.

I had given someone a gift of some sort and they yelled back at me, "CHEAP!"
It was a pretty nice gift and as I tried to point this out to them they once again yelled, "CHEAP!"
I was a bit offended and also stunned. Before I got to do anything else, "CHEAP!"
I began to get mad, "Keep your voice down."
"CHEAP!"

"CHEAP!"

"CHEAP!"

I awoke at 4:20am. "CHEAP!" What the hell is going on? "CHEAP!"

It was a smoke detector whose battery had died. One of the last times I visited I had replaced all the batteries.

Except one that the ladder couldn't reach.

Reporting For the Steve Guttenberg Press

I flew down to FL late this morning on the miracle plane. Not one of those plane crash-type miracles but a true miracle.

Boarding the flight, 30 people needed wheelchair assistance to get on the plane. As an able-bodied person, it is my job to feel sorry for them and not wonder why they get to be first onto the plane.

After a couple hours of simulated 8000 ft. altitude, every single one of them was suddenly able to walk again and get off the plane without assistance! Being on that plane was like swimming in a cocoon filled pool. These people were suddenly 20 years younger....or about 80.

But once they got out of the pool, or in this case off the JetWay, they suddenly needed assistance again in the form of a golf cart to wisk them past everyone else to the baggage claim.

Why Is The Mark So Close To Sin?

In his unsuccessful 1992 run for Senate, Mike Huckabee

told the AP in the questionnaire that he found homosexuality to be "an aberrant, unnatural and sinful lifestyle."

Recently, he clarified

"Let's understand what sin means," Huckabee said. "Sin means missing the mark."

Missing the mark? Damn. Apparently I have sinned...but most of the time it was by accident.

I swear!

source article

Go Elf Yourself!

Scariest Christmas ever.

Eat My Banana...

Ice cream.

I started working on a chocolate banana ice cream recipe not too long after this post from over a year ago. I am happy to say, after many attempts, some decent, some not so great, I finally hit on a ready-for-prime-time recipe.

Update! I made this again a few days ago and it came out terrible. When cooking the bananas they were very dry. It may have been that they weren't ripe enough (they were yellow but not brown). I didn't cook the bananas very long because they were so dry and that probably didn't help. If you make the recipe, please let me know how it turns out.

Update 2! OK. Made it yet again. This time I made sure the bananas were very ripe (half-brown) and it came out great! I will update again if the recipe ever fails with super ripe bananas.

Jay's Chocolate Banana Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

a little butter (for frying)
5 med. bananas (very ripe, half yellow/half brown is good)
1/2 cup sugar
8 oz. heavy cream
4.4 oz. (125 gr.) of bittersweet chocolate, chopped (10 squares of Trader Joe's PoundPlus bar)
1 tsp. vanilla
3 oz. mini chocolate chips (optional if you are crazy!)

Heat non-stick fry pan over medium heat with butter (maybe 1/2 - 1 Tbl.)
Peel and slice bananas into ~1/2 inch rounds. Fry until they start to caramelize, maybe 5 minutes (don't move them around until then!). Flip/stir them around and continue to fry for a few more minutes until they are very soft all the way through. Pan should have a lot of juice. Mash/break-up the bananas a little with the back of a spatula. If you don't want to blend later, mash them as much as possible.

Sprinkle in the sugar and mix until dissolved. Simmer 1 more minute. Add cream and stir in.

Reduce heat to low and add the chocolate. Stir constantly until almost melted. Turn off heat, take pan off burner and keep stirring until chocolate is completely melted. Mix in the vanilla.

Transfer to a bowl and, if you have one, use a hand blender to smooth the mix. Either cool, covered in refrigerator overnight or place in an ice bath (stir every few minutes). The mix should be cold before you churn it!

Churn it! Near the end of churning, add the mini-chips. Freeze and enjoy!

If this doesn't get you laid, there's no hope for you. ;-)

All The Whos Down In Whoville Will All Go Woohoo!

Looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? Something unique that nobody else has (well, maybe one other person)?

How about a pair of autographed, pre-owned, porn star breast implants? We're talking D-cups here straight from Mary Carey's chest 'o plenty. Want to know more first?

[...] while under anesthesia she realized they could be used to raise money for breast cancer research.

"The doctors asked me what I wanted to do with them and I said, 'You know what, I'm going to keep them and try to sell them. Because my grandmother had breast cancer."

The autographed implants have been placed on eBay and Carey [...] said she planned to donate some 90 percent of the proceeds to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.

She intends to use the rest of the money on medical bills for her mother, who suffered major injuries after jumping off a four-story building in 2006.

"I'm actually overall very anti-plastic surgery," Carey said. "I watched my mom go through 11 surgeries (for her injuries) and it's like, for me to voluntarily put myself through that, the only right thing to do is make money and donate it to charity."

The last bid I saw was $2025.

That doesn't include $12 for shipping.

No word on whether that includes handling.