Jay, Don't Eat It! - An Homage

Those of you that read TheSneeze regularly are aware and probably a little disappointed with the lack of posts lately. I know I am. Worse is that the last "Steve, Don't Eat It!" post, arguably his funniest stuff, was over a year ago. I decided it was time to stop moping and do something about it.

My first thought was to re-visit Vol. 5 - Breast Milk. That plan quickly got Bronskied as my current girlfriend, Manolita de Palma, is udderly incapable of expressing herself in that manner. (If you're groaning at the four jokes in that previous sentence, you're in for a long read.)

"What kind of crap can I eat for this post?" I scoured the grocery store until I found the perfect crap. So perfect, "crap" is its middle name. But then there was this ominous sign:
But that's ridiculous because you can't use contractions in Scrabble!

Now, you might think that Scrapple is made from scabs, crap and apples and you wouldn't be far off. You can make it yourself if you slaughter animals at your house, have a horrible relationship with your butcher or are simply insane. Or, you can pick up a loaf like this one. It's the real McCoy.
Let's take a closer look at those ingredients.
Pork livers, pork skins, pork tongues, pork hearts, pork clovers and new pork diamonds! Sounds like that Swedish chef from the muppets. Pork, pork, pork!

I was expecting instructions along the lines of "Throw this crap away and do not eat under any circumstances!" but no such luck. Basically, you slice it up, fry it up and eat it up (and probably throw it up).

Step 1: Slice it up. It kind of looks like Halvah and smells like that chair your spinster aunt sits on without her underwear.

Step 2: Fry it up. 8 minutes a side, please. This gives you ample time to get a bucket.
Hey, look how much better it looks fried if you use a flash. Similar effect if you poke your eyes out.

Step 3: Eat it up. Wikipedia suggests it is normally eaten as a side dish to eggs and is eaten plain or with ketchup, maple syrup, dark corn syrup or apple butter. I decided to try the first three: plain, ketchup and maple syrup (because what goes better on pork than syrup?)

OK. So here's my plate. A couple eggs over-medium, three slabs of scrapple, some warm maple syrup and ketchup. Bon voyage! I mean, Bon appetit!

First the plain. The first thing you notice is that fried scrapple looks almost exactly like a potato pancake. It also tastes like a potato pancake. One that someone dropped on the street and a dog pissed on. If I eat a piece with some egg at the same time, it is completely different. Now it tastes like a potato pancake that was dropped on the street, pissed on by a dog and has egg on it. Texture-wise, the outside is crispy while the inside is like unset concrete.

Ketchup. This shouldn't be too bad. It's almost like eating a hot dog with ketchup. Right?

Wrong! Go lick your shower drain clean. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Now, do it again with ketchup. There you have it. The only difference is my shower drain is made with pigs tongues so it licks back.

Oh. Dear. Lord. Maple syrup. Now, I realize that some breakfast sausage is made with maple syrup so maybe this won't be so bad.

No. No. I'm wrong. It's bad. I'm not sure I can keep this down. Maybe I can wedge it in my esophagus with a bunch of the eggs. Imagine eating French toast out of a horse's ass. That's the experience.It is imperative that everyone reading this join a religion that would not allow them to eat this.

Now, if you'll please excuse me, I'd like a little privacy while I worship.