If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

We Should Just Be Ranked By Height

Contrary to the popular belief that your company is interested in your development, the only reason any company has a performance review system is for when the get sued after firing you.

My company's system is a 3-level system. The levels are (from best to worst) Perfect (P), Adept (A) and Satisfactory (S).

The managers write all the workers' names on little slips of paper and then drop them in one of three buckets (or holes) classifying each worker as a P-hole, A-hole or S-hole.

Most people are classified by the managers as S-holes. You're a P-hole if your manager is trying to get you promoted. A-holes are in a sh*tty position of not being rated high enough to be promoted but too high to hang around with all the S-holes. Because of this many A-holes leave the technical track and become managers where they can hang out with all the other A-holes.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Floridian Tells Senator, "Git Yur Hands Off My Nuts!"

Oh, yes. A Florida State Senator wants to rip your nuts off...your truck. This won't go over well with Clem in Palatka (and everybody in Palatka is named Clem...even the women).

Here's what truck nuts look like (actually there are many brands of truck nuts, the following are bullsballs brand, iffin ya wanna git ya a par):


And here's how you use them:


Thanks Clem!

A newly formed group, Clems Of United Palatka DEtermined To Allow Testicles (COUPDETAT) planned a march on Tallahassee but it was canceled because their pick-ups were full of quarry material that needed to be unloaded.

In other words, they were hanging around waiting to get their rocks off...

their trucks!

Also, please note that I did not send this story around via email.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Email Envy

It's not often I send a link to an article via email (usually I'll put it on my blog) but for some reason, I did today. I sent an email with the Subject: Hot rods! to a few friends. It contained only a http link.

What I forgot was that today was Take Your Child To Work Day. My friend, who brought his kids to work, assumed it was something to do with cars. I think you can figure out the rest of the story for yourself.

Yes, kids, this is what Dad does all day. Click on links in emails.

Computer Alzheimer's

As of a few weeks ago, my work laptop had 512MB of memory. After innumerable Microsoft security updates and a new virus scanner, just running Outlook and a browser used up all my memory. I looked online and found an upgrade to 1GB would cost about $50. What follows is a description of what it takes to get a $50 memory upgrade at my company.

Person 1 (me) asks Person 2 (my manager) if an upgrade can be procured. Person 2 okays it. Person 1 calls the help desk and speaks to Person 3 who takes the information (i.e. User needs more memory) and creates a ticket. The ticket is sent to Person 4 (PC support) and Person 4 does something that generates a "request for approval" from Person 2.

After Person 2 approves, Person 4 calls Person 1 to determine computer type (and hence memory type), current memory and new memory. After discussion, Person 4 determines that two 512MB modules will need to be ordered. Person 4 indicates to Person 1 that this generally takes two days. Person 4 places an order with some company for the memory. Person 4 closes the ticket, indicating a new ticket (for installation) will be opened when the memory arrives.

Patient Person 1, after 1 week, sends email to Person 4 asking what is going on. Apparently, this is a violation of the prime directive. No response is received but the following day another person in PC support (person 5) creates a ticket stating that Person 1's department has already been charged for memory and nothing else. As a side note, the correct procedure is for Person 1 to call the Help Desk (now Person 6 but had Person 1 done this Person 6 would be Person 5 and Person 5 would be Person 6) and have them open a ticket.

Almost another week passes and patience-wearing-thin Person 1 is kicking himself for not ordering the memory and installing it himself. Even paying for it out of his own pocket seems reasonable at this point. But out of the dungeon of PC support comes a phone call. It is Person 5. "Person 1," he says, "we have your memory."

Glory be and hallelujah! The Messiah, in the form of two 512MB SO-DIMMs, has come.

"Just bring your laptop down and we'll install it."

But person 1 is working. And person 5 is a minute walk away. Plus person 1 needs to close all his programs and shutdown his computer. Ideally, person 1 would do this just before lunch, dropping off the laptop at PC Support (which is right by the cafeteria) and picking it back up after lunch saving countless minutes.

But PC Support is closed during lunch, probably to play Dungeons and Dragons.

So Person 1 spends 5 minutes shutting things down and another 5 walking to the dungeon. Person 5 takes the laptop, installs the new memory and boots it back up to ensure all is well.

"Your laptop doesn't seem to like the memory," says non-anti-statically grounded Person 5.

Person 1 is wonders how he can write his letter of resignation without his laptop while Person 5 applies Computer Fix #1.

Remove and re-install.

As usual, Computer Fix #1 works and Person 5 returns laptop to Person 1 who walks 5 minutes back to his office, boots it up and contemplates how a company can survive when a $50 memory upgrade requires $1000 of labor.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

White Girl Rapes Black Man

Non-news event of the day: Clinton wins PA! Who saw that coming?????

While waiting for polls to close so they could announce this, I got to see some of the worst and most ridiculous crap that was being passed off as news ever.

Foremost was Jack Cafferty making the incorrect and self-unsupporting statement along the lines of "the current administration has run up more debt than all previous administrations combined; the debt was 5 trillion when Bush entered office and it's 9 trillion now." C'mon! That's first grade math.

Then there's all the "analysis" (emphasis on "anal") which is by Clinton and Obama supporters who continuously ignore all facts to plug the message du jour.

But maybe my favorite is people talking about the delegates and whether the super-delegates will thwart the will of the people. What the f*ck are they talking about? If you are a Democrat, do you not understand how they pick their Presidential nominee? I assume that a Democrat is either willing to live with the rules as they are or an idiot.

Last, here's my prediction. Obama wins the nomination, makes nicey-nice with Clinton and the Dems end up with "the Dream Ticket" Obama/Clinton which appeals to both blacks and women.

McCain then pick Condoleeza Rice as running mate and the Republicans win in November and I have to listen to Alan complain about McCain for the next 4 years.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

That's How We Roll

Another video? So soon?

You betcha! This one is from my college days. It's not long so I didn't bother editing it down. Enjoy!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Pair It With Scrapple!

If someone can help me find a can of this, I will gladly consume and regurgitate it and write a big long post about it for your amusement.
If you're having trouble reading it, it's a combination of Budweiser beer, Clamato (itself a combination of tomato and clam juice), salt and lime.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Dumb And Plumber

This was originally 34 minutes long. Now a more merciful 8+ minutes. I'm thinking about doing a director's commentary version but, frankly, I'm a bit tired of working on this already.

You might need headphones to hear some of the goings on.

video

Saturday, April 12, 2008

How Big Would The Gouge Be If The Spring Hit The Turkey?

I was talking to a friend yesterday whe a turkey strolled by. Unfortunately, it did not hang around long enough for me to get a picture.

I got another chance and shot that turkey. A little blurry but he/she didn't seem to want to hang around.
I figured that would be the most exciting part of my day. I figured wrong.

I was in the kitchen making cookies (oatmeal coconut chocolate chip, damn their good). Suddenly I heard a loud crash and felt the floor move. I immediately looked out the the window expecting to see my neighbor with their car smashed into their garage. No such luck.

My next guess was that one of my stacks o' crap in the garage had fallen (I did not for second think it was my DVD, amp, TiVo, DVD, LCD stack and it wasn't). Nothing seemed out of the ordinary in the garage until I noticed this.

The counter-balance spring on the garage had snapped. After breaking it shot itself into the wall, making a nice gouge, as seen here.

Apocryphal Chinese curse:

May you live in interesting times.

Jay's Corollary:
May you live in this %#!* apartment.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Why Obama Can't Win In November

I've gotten a lot of stuff the last couple days via UPS, DHL and USPS. So, I wasn't too surprised when, moments ago, my doorbell rang and it was the UPS guy holding a package.

He needed a signature so he shoved that little tablet at me. I was trying to think what else I was expecting when he said, "This is 1322, right?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Oh, wait, I need 1232. A guy named Seequa." [I'm guessing at that spelling.]

And off he went. Was that discrimination? Profiling?

If he was looking for "Jay", who has to answer the door for him to re-check the address?

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Deer-licious

This little lady came to visit me right around lunch time.


Don't mistake those for woods. That's just a few pine trees in the backyard. I predict "car vs. deer" in her future.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Get Used To Disappointment

I had hoped to get a new post up this weekend but, clearly, I wasn't able to. It's hard to concentrate when I'm so itchy. Hopefully, I can get something together before the week is out.