Please Please Kill Me Now

I've recently invented a new form of music; violently alternative Islamic rock. To share this joy with all infidels, I am changing my name to Simon Le Bomb and starting a band, Quran Quran.

The first single will be: Is There Something I Should Blow (Up)?

And, of course, we will use the same pyrotechs that Great White used.

Dummies Guide To Being An Idiot

It's 9:30. I'm in bed with a cold.

Ding-dong.

WTF? Who would be ringing my doorbell? I peek out the window and don't see a car. That pretty much rules out a friend just dropping by or the maintenance guy. Probably wrong house or someone left some mail on my doorstep. I go back to bed.

Ding-dong.

Are you kidding me? Are you f'ing kidding me? It's Saturday morning. It's 30 degrees outside. What kind of f'ing idiot keeps ringing my doorbell?!

"Hi! We're from the church of..."

SLAM!

And He Stuck A Finger Up His Nose And Came Down With The Flu

Christ - from the Greek kristos meaning annointed
mas - from the Spanish meaning more

And so I give you the true meaning of Christmas.

Scene:

Somewhere in the Mideast, it is Passover, the Jewish New Year, which because of the crazy lunar calendar falls just after the winter solstice this year. There are thirteen Mexican landscapers sitting on one side of a long table having a feast. The one in the middle is Sus (soos). The tortillas have been overcooked and are crisp and crunchy. They were out of flour so they had to make them from corn (maize) and they called them maiztah.

The evening arrived; the apostles took their places. The master, in his cook's uniform, stationed himself at the copper; his pauper assistants ranged themselves behind him; the gruel was served out; and a long grace was said over the short commons. The gruel disappeared; the apostles whispered each other, and winked at Sus; while his next neighbours nudged him. Latino as he was, he was desperate with hunger, and reckless with misery. He rose from the table; and advancing to the master, basin and spoon in hand, said: somewhat alarmed at his own temerity:

"Please, sir, I want some more."

The master was a fat, healthy man; but he turned very pale. He gazed in stupefied astonishment on the small rebel for some seconds, and then clung for support to the copper. The assistants were paralysed with wonder; the apostles with fear.

"What!" said the master at length, in a faint voice.

"Please, sir," replied Sus, "I want some more."

The master aimed a blow at Sus's head with the ladle; pinioned him in his arms; and shrieked aloud for the beadle.

The board were sitting in solemn conclave, when Mr. Iscariot rushed into the room in great excitement, and addressing the gentleman in the high chair, said,

"Mr. Pilate, I beg your pardon, sir! Hey! Sus has asked for more!"

There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance.

"For more!" said Mr. Pilate. "Compose yourself, Judas Iscariot, and answer me distinctly. Do I understand that he asked for more, after he had eaten the supper allotted by the dietary?"

"He did, sir," replied Iscariot.

"That man will be crucified," said the gentleman in the white waistcoat. "I know that Haysus will be crucified."

And that's why everyone gets presents from Santa on Christmas.

This story is traditionally told on Dec. 26th...and that's where Boxing Day comes from.

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

Let's say you're in a garden. You and your spouse. And the owner of the garden plants a new tree; an apple tree. The owner tells you not to eat the apples.

Question 1: Do you eat the apples that the owner told you not to?

Question 2: If you did eat an apple, would it be acceptable for the owner to punish you? How about punishing your kids? Grand kids?

Question 3: Does the above scenario relate to slavery, Albanian blood feuds or Genesis?

This Post Wanders More Than A Jew In The Desert

Apparently, the leader of Hamas has stated that the recent financial crisis is punishment from God.

"We see it as God's punishment for the criminals (U.S. and its Western allies). Nothing is more unjust than occupying an Islamic state. Nothing is more unjust than keeping the Palestinian people under occupation for over 60 years," Ismail Haniyeh told worshippers before Friday prayers in the Gaza Strip.

"They deprived our people of money and now God has deprived them of money. They besieged our people and now they are besieged by the punishment of God," Haniyeh said.

Let me get this straight. First, God waited 60 years (!) to do something? Does God not realize how long that is to people? No, that's not possible since He is omniscient. Maybe He has been trying to punish the West for years but has not been successful? No, He's omnipotent, all-powerful.

Powerful enough to flood the world, turn wives into salt, kill your first born or even turn your staff into a slithering snake. But yet, not powerful enough to blow up a bus without the help of a true believer who gets to go to Heaven and be with 72 virgins. This would be the same Heaven invented about 2000 years ago by rabbis because their followers were pretty upset that despite being the "chosen people" they were really getting crapped on by the Romans and other non-chosen's.

When the followers demanded reasons, the rabbis made up Heaven and Hell. Your reward for living a crappy life on Earth was an eternity (man, that is much longer!) in Heaven while the crappers would spend their eternity in Hell. A crappy 50 years or so now vs. a crappy forever for the crappers seemed like a pretty good deal.

It was adopted by Christianity and Islam but changed a bit so that non-Christians (or non-Moslems) replace the crappers. So it was not only no longer enough to not crap on people, you had to be part of the group. Even better, just being part of the group made you a non-crapper even if you crapped all over people?

How can you not love a God with a sense of humor like that?

What A Pain In The Ass

You can read about the televangelist's wife and the trial that accuses her of assaulting a flight attendant on her first-class flight to Vail but, in case you don't, here's the money paragraph:

According to court documents, Brown says that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident involving Victoria Osteen and said her faith was affected.

Equivalence Is Hard To Type

:) - classic smiley

:-) - alternative smiley w/ nose

:--) - Jewish smiley

(:--) - observant Jewish smiley w/ yarmulke

C(:≡-| - Hasidic Jewish non-smiley w/ big hat and peyes (those crazy sideburns)

They never smile.

Florida Without Old Is Only Fair

Nothing like a trip to Florida to provide a little blog fodder.

Waiting for the plane to board, an old guy sat a couple seats down from me. There were also some other people further down the row. When they started calling rows, an old couple came down the row and said, "Excuse me," to the old guy nearby. I turned and looked.

The wife repeated, "Excuse me!" Then, "Can we get by?" This was pretty loud. The guy nearby did not move. I tried to watch his chest to see if he was breathing. Frankly, the guy appeared dead.

Until the wife tapped him, restarting his heart, saving his life and getting him to stop blocking the aisle--all in one move.

We had a full plane. The last few people were loading and among them was a woman and her three young children (4, 6 and 8 years old, I'd guess). They did not have their seats together. One middle seat here, a window seat there and a window/middle pair right in front of me. The woman instructed what appeared to be the oldest to go sit in the lone middle seat and the middle child to take the single window. Now she was ready to sit with her youngest ahead of me. There was an old guy sitting in the aisle seat.

She pointed at the open seats and said that those were her seats. The guy did not move.

She again explained that those were her seats and could he please let them in.

After a pause he shouted, "That's my wife up there!" pointing several rows ahead. "Can you switch so I can sit with her?"

"I'm sorry, I need to sit with my four year old," was the reply.

"Can you switch so I can sit with her?" he repeated. Meanwhile, the aisle is blocked. The few people that need to sit are this woman and her kid and a couple of people stuck behind her.

I'm thinking two things. First is an explicative. Second is "What is this guy deaf and blind? Let her sit with her kid you self-centered jackass."

He pointed again at his wife. This time using a folded white cane with a red tip. The guy sitting next to his wife offered to switch and after a lengthy delay, the old guy got up. When he did I could see his hearing aids.

But just because he was actually deaf and blind doesn't mean he wasn't a jackass, too.

Next to me was an old Italian couple. When the meal service came by they both got their little plastic tray/bowls with a micro-turkey sandwich, Fritos and Heresy Bar (it's heresy to call that "chocolate"). The woman moved her meal to her husband's tray-table, closed her own and then retrieved her giant handbag from under the seat.

She then took both meals and crammed them into her bag, muttering something in Italian.

As we were landing, the woman held her giant anti-vampire cross, murmured a bit (I assume in prayer) and then applauded when we landed. I looked over at her and she showed me the cross and pointed upward. I thought, "Are you saying that God let the plane land safely so you could eat the food hidden in your handbag?"

Today we played golf in 90 degree, 90+% humidity weather and then went to dinner at 5:20. The hostess asked if we had a reservation. I thought, "At 5:20?!" Lucky for us, they squeezed us in.

Now, it's 10pm and my mom has been asleep for 2 hours. I feel like I have jet-lag and I haven't even switched time zones.

Thou Shalt Not Steal

Thanks to Zimbo for this, which I stole from here just in case it got deleted.

Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker Aphorisms

1. Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers


2. Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole


3. Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry


4. Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.


5. There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings


6. "Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day."­ God.


7. God Doesn't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.


8. If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?


9. He's Dead.
   It's Been 2,000 years.
   He's Not Coming Back.
   Get OVER It Already!


10. All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.


11. Viva La Evolución!


12. Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season


13. I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist


14. Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.


15. People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs


16. Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.


17. Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!


18. GOD - APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!


19. Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK


20. God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus


21. God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.


22. When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!


23. Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
    A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.


24. You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing


25. I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.


26. Science: It Works, Bitches.


27. "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987


28. I Found God Between The Sheets


29. I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent


30. My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel


31. Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten


32. If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?


33. Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia


34. ALL Americans Are African Americans


35. I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?


36. I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God


37. The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative


38. If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?


39. JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself


40. How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can't Even Define It?


41. Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?
    A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.


42. Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex


43. I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.


44. WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.


45. The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children


46. Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War


47. Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony


48. God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?


49. When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on
    Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank Sinatra.


50. No Gods. No Mullets.

Here are some more from the comments section:

• If God had intended me to go to church, he would have given me a bigger ass to sit on and a smaller brain to think with.
• Don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church.
• We've found the body. Easter canceled.
• Atheism is myth-understood

and the reason these are so funny is because of people like jaybee who posted

Abortion: Another low self esteem whore gave a little sex in exchange for love, why kill the only good thing that will come of her existence?

All The Whos Down In Whoville Will All Go Woohoo!

Looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? Something unique that nobody else has (well, maybe one other person)?

How about a pair of autographed, pre-owned, porn star breast implants? We're talking D-cups here straight from Mary Carey's chest 'o plenty. Want to know more first?

[...] while under anesthesia she realized they could be used to raise money for breast cancer research.

"The doctors asked me what I wanted to do with them and I said, 'You know what, I'm going to keep them and try to sell them. Because my grandmother had breast cancer."

The autographed implants have been placed on eBay and Carey [...] said she planned to donate some 90 percent of the proceeds to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.

She intends to use the rest of the money on medical bills for her mother, who suffered major injuries after jumping off a four-story building in 2006.

"I'm actually overall very anti-plastic surgery," Carey said. "I watched my mom go through 11 surgeries (for her injuries) and it's like, for me to voluntarily put myself through that, the only right thing to do is make money and donate it to charity."

The last bid I saw was $2025.

That doesn't include $12 for shipping.

No word on whether that includes handling.

That's A Moray!

I've recently gotten into astrology (hey, it was a long weekend). Just to be clear, I don't mean that crap in the Comics section of the newspaper or the drivel from some charlatan claiming to be a psychic. No. This is based on billions (yes, billions with a "b") of femtoseconds of my own research. I pass it on to you, loyal reader, at no extra charge.

Here's everything you need to know about real astrology. In Real Astrology, there are very few important symbols, only [insert number here after writing post]. They have nothing to do with what day you were born or the locations of various stars or planets. That's all made up crap.

This is the symbol for Aries.
Aries can represent two different types of people. The first is a person who does things regardless of risk (Magnus Ballus). The second is a person that does things to try to make up for their own inadequacy (Vegrandis Dickus).

Next we have Taurus (Curtus Sperma).
This symbol represents people are messed up because they were originally fertilized by a defective sperm. These people are generally delusional and are incapable of seeing the world as it actually is. Some examples are George W. Bush and all your exes.

Now, we come to the sexual symbols. First, we have Libra (Magnus Buttus Amor).
Libras are skinny people and their big-butted sexual partners.

Next is Gemini, symbol for twinks and bears alike (Duo Homo Erectus).

Next we have Cancer, symbol for women who like to eat carpet (Duo Solum Lingus).
Cancer is often confused with Pisces, symbol for women who prefer double dongs (Dongus Tweenus).

Leo, the extremely flexible, auto-erotic lion is next (Nunquam Recedo Domus).

And stuck at the end is, appropriately, Uranus (Dickus Butkus).

Defenestrate The Milk From Your Nose

Wolfger submitted this great link in his comment on the previous post.

You other readers are total slackers.

Subterranean Excommunication Blues

I'm sure you've heard about the Jena 6 but have you heard about the Little Rock 6? Talk about injustice! Where are Bob Dylan and Joan Baez when you need them?

Sister Mary Theresa, Sister Maria Theresa, Sister Theresa Maria and three other sisters, none of whom are true sistas, were excommunicated from the Catholic Church. Not surprisingly, at 82 years of age, Sister Mary doesn't really give a crap.

So why is the Catholic Church giving these little old ladies a curb job*? Because they believe in Mary! Jesus Christ, isn't that part of church doctrine?

Yes, of course it is. If a statue cries blood or a sprinkler causes a rainbow on your window or if your grilled cheese looks funny, that's the real Mary but if someone claims to be the reincarnation of Mary, whoa Nellie, that's excommunication.

Aside for Bob Dylan. Here's a start for your new protest song:
Reincarnation
Excommunication
What in tarnation
has caused this sensation?

You can make up the rest. Just run it by me when you're done. Thanks!

Since these old ladies were "deluded" to think they may be talking to Mary, they had to go. That includes removing

"the Eucharist -- which Catholics revere as the body of Christ -- from the monastery"

because you sure don't want any crazy people eatin' Jesus!

On top of that, a spokesman for the group associated with Sister Mary Reincarnatia says that she does not claim to be the reincarnation of Mary at all. She just "receives graces" from the Virgin Mary and God. I'm a little suspicious because my understanding is that you either have grace or you don't. You can't have a little grace and you can't acquire grace. The spokesman added:

"The Virgin Mary took possession of her soul. I would rather say it that way."

Because that sounds much saner.


* - Look up "curb job" in the might-not-be-work-safe Urban Dictionary.

Say 4 Our Father's and 978,485,322 Hail Mary's

$660,000,000 for 500+ cases of abuse. The exact distribution to be based on time and severity of the abuse.

Maybe something like:

• fondling: $20,000
• forced to blow a priest: $100,000
• blown by a priest: $20 (this could really add up though)
  
• toss a Holy salad: $2,000,000
• f**ked in the ass by a priest: $1,000,000
• f**ked in the ass by a lawyer: 40% of all that money you made...the hard way

This calls for my favorite lawyer joke:

Q: Why do lawyers always wear neckties?

A: To keep the foreskin from rolling over their heads.

I bet all those priests are walking around with thumb drives, too.

Pope On A Slope

The Vatican released a document that states something along the lines of "Catholics are the only 'true' Christians". The reason? Basically, because they are the only ones following Catholicism.

Wait. It gets better.

The document stressed that dialogue with other Christians remained "one of the priorities of the Catholic Church."

"[...] it is fundamental to any kind of dialogue that the participants are clear about their own identity. That is, dialogue cannot be an occasion to accommodate or soften what you actually understand yourself to be."

In other words, "We're open to talking to others as long as they understand that we're right and they are wrong."

Boy, does that sound familiar.

Choose Your Poison: Snakes Or God On A Plane

The guy sitting next to me is on his cell phone explaining the what he used to think "fear of God" meant and what he now thinks it means. Previously, he was afraid of going to hell. Now, he "understands" that "fear" means "reverence". He has repeated this at least 15 times.

His wife (I assume) has just joined him and he's off the phone. Now, he's explaining this same concept to his wife.

I am saved!

...by the boarding announcement. First is Zone 1.
Guy (to his wife): What zone are you?
Wife: I'm zone 4.
Guy: What zone am I?
Wife: You're zone 6.
Guy: What zone are you?
Wife: Zone 4.
Guy: And I'm?
Wife: Zone 6.
Guy: Why are we in different zones?
[editor: I'll tell you why. Because you're annoying. You are so frickin' annoying that your wife, who was mysteriously missing while you explained your "fear", pretended to go to the bathroom, snuck through security and changed her seat so that she wouldn't have to listen to for the next hour and a half. Here's an idea: Instead of finding God, find a topic of conversation that might be interesting to a listener. Failing that, just be quiet.]
Wife: I don't know.
Guy: They must load the aisle seats first, then the window.
[Clearly, this guy is some kind of genius.]
{Now boarding Zone 4}
Wife: That's me.
[Wow, did she move quick!]

Most Delicious Body Of Christ

What's 6 feet tall, 200 lbs. and tastes better than a Eucharist wafer? It's the chocolate Jesus, of course.

I'd love to believe this Catholic League press release that says the public will be invited to eat chocolate Jesus, but, c'mon, it's the Catholic League. I'm too familiar with crazy to believe anything they have to say. But hypothetically, I could use a chunk to make chocolate Jesus scrotum chip cookies or some other similar delicacy. I wonder if my co-workers would eat such delights.

My sources tell me that after the Catholic League first complained, the artist did make a second Jesus to appease them. This one was made of white chocolate, which correctly ignores history in aligning with the Catholic view of a white Jesus. However, since both Jesi were depicted sans loin cloth and "anatomically correct", the white Jesus did not measure up and that is why the Catholic League is so upset.

A classic case of chocolate penis envy.

The Bible Belt - Also Need: Bible Shirt And Pants

Everything's bigger in Texas, and that includes people's debt.

Take Don Cruz . He and his wife won the HGTV Dream home not long ago. They moved into the home without any way to pay the tax bills that would be forthcoming.

"We plan to stay," he told the Associated Press. "God will provide. We'll say a prayer, turn it over to him and he provides. It'll all work out."

Maybe God has finally gotten through to Don because the house is now up for sale.

In what is surely a complete coincidence, a bill has been introduced to the Texas House that would add "a religious bible or other book containing sacred writings of a religion" to the list of things exempt "from attachment, execution, or other seizure for the satisfaction of debts." Currently that list is limited to: money you are earning, alimony, child support, and prescribed medical devices.

Creditors hounding you? Get a Bible! A really expensive one.

Well, Isn't That Special?

In the name of The Blogger, The Pun and the Lonely Post.

Forgive me readers for I have sinned. It has months since my last degustation [post].

Tonight I mixed flour and water and tried to summon seitan to my house. I was wildly unsuccessful.

I also tried to wash the flour/water mixture out of my arm hair before it dried. Again, I was wildly unsuccessful.

Deep Voice: And what have you learned, my son?

To use bread flour and maybe some extra gluten?

Deep Voice: Anything else?

To shave my arms before summoning seitan?

Deep Voice: And???

For chrissake, what else is there?

Deep Voice: (sigh) Go with Blog, my son.

Eat Sh*t And Have A Merry Christmas

Read closely. He is not the great defeater. He is not the great defector. He is El Caganer, the great defecator. And he can be found defecating in Nativity scenes and on mantle pieces throughout the Catalan region of Spain.

Nothing says "fertility and health" like a great big dump. And what could possibly more complimentary than associating you Lord and Savior with a true Yule Log?

Not only that but "pastry shops around Catalonia sell sweets shaped like feces". You think your sh*t don't stink? Well, it does. Stinks like chocolate and caramel. Or maybe marzipan.

Hey, Javier's crap is bigger than my crap.
No it's not, Paulo.
Liar!
You both have the same size crap. Now stop fighting or I'll eat them and you won't get sh*t.

"[...] on Christmas Eve Catalan children beat a hollow log, called the tio, packed with holiday gifts, singing a song that urges it to defecate presents out the other end."

Many a night I have beat the hollow log until "presents" emerged from the end. Then I carefully wrap the presents in tissue paper...well, tissues,...and hide them where nobody can find them at the bottom of the garbage can.