If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Mr. Cleo

Browsing through the Jan. 9 issue of BusinessWeek I decided it was time for some predictions.

  • Sony will introduce a new eBook reader that will sell for an estimated $300-$500. Prediction: This will be a total flop.
  • There is an article about whether the Dow should ditch GM as part of the DJIA. Prediction: Who cares? The DJIA probably has the highest "most followed/useful information" of anything I can think of.
  • Intel's reinvention will do little to help its bottom line. It looks like a horrible combination of envelope #1 (blame your predecessor) and envelope #2 (reorganize!) at the same time. At the bottom of page 54, new Intel CEO Paul Otellini is asked if he will have a motto as former CEO Andy Grove did. He answers that Grove came up with his after 5 or 6 years on the job and to come back and ask him them. Prediction: Dream on, Paul. 2010 will not find you working at Intel.

Feliz Ano Nuevo

I was thinking about going into Times Square for New Years but the weather looks quite crappy. I could deal with standing around in the rain/snow for a few hours but I dread the long drive home on slick roads. Maybe next year.

Happy New Year!

Monday, December 26, 2005

Stick A F%%k* In Me

I had all I can stands, I can't stands no more. I've been trying to read Dianetics which is, at least to some extent, the basis for Scientology. If I had to read one more time about how some bulls**t he writes has been proven "in every case" without showing one iota of evidence (unless you want to count repeating the same thing over and over) I'd scream.

Dianetics is "The Modern Science of Mental Health." People love that word "modern". Not like that old, crazy crap; here's some new crazy crap! Science without evidence is called religion, like Intelligent Design. Actually, if you just flip through the book you will find that it really is old crap. Some of the oldest crap in the world: the art of separating people from their money. There are solicitations for Dianetics Extension Courses, Dianetics on cassette, More Dianetics information with a free "Tone Scale Slide Chart" and a free, $30 value, Personal Achievement Profile with Computerized Analysis!

* - That's fork, btw.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Haven't Seen That Before

Wash up people! The Hubble telescope has spotted new rings around Uranus.

This Is Broken

If you were going to publish an article about the horrors of how easily children can be sucked into the world of child p**n via the use of an inexpensive webcam, what would be the last item you would want to advertise next to it?

Thursday, December 22, 2005

What To Do When You Can't Do Anything

I tried to work from home today but I have no energy. So I've been watching CNBC for most of the day (like yesterday). Apparently, they recently changed some of their format. For the most part, it is inconsequential. I do like that the ticker now has company names in addition to stock symbols. But with all good must come bad. They added the most annoying sound effects ever. If you've watched in the last few days you know what I'm talking about. When they show a graphic of current stock price, currency rate, etc. While the graphic is up, the sound is made every time a price changes which is generally non-stop. Bleep-glglglglglglg. Bleep-glglglglglg. How could anyone possibly think this was a good idea?

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Illness Update

Not long after my last post I was able to get down I tiny bowl of cereal. Around noon, Uncle Ralph decided I wasn't ready for digestion. Through 8pm I was able to drink 3 large glasses of peppermint tea. Then I got a piece of plain toast down (woohoo!) and around 9 I had a bagel with a bare hint of cream cheese.

My big question now is where did I pick this bug up? I wonder if anyone else at work was sick.

Kicked in the Head with an Iron Boot

Uncle Ralph came to visit me. He stopped by around 10:30 last night and woke me every hour until 5:30. I told him after the second time that I'd had enough of him and needed to sleep but he kept insisting that I worship his girlfriend, Porcelain. Finally around 6 I got back to sleep but it's a bright sunny day and I couldn't sleep past 9. I need to get some Gatorade or something but the thought of walking through a supermarket, ugh.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Pick Your Nose Like Nobody's Watchin'

Don't know why but Netflix just lowered their 3 out-at-a-time plan to $16.99 "in your area". This was well timed to compensate for the several scratched/cracked discs I've received recently (one had food stuck to it but at least it played). And postage is about to go up to $0.39.

Still no Aardvark'd DVD though. :(

Time Keeps On Slippin' Slippin' Slippin'

The hottest news story (and by "hot" I mean "dumb") is that some websites have appeared that let you send an e-mail in the future. I've sent the following to myself 20 years from now:

What the f**k where you thinking when you sent this?

Jay
And in other news we had our company (well, our group in the company) holiday "party" yesterday. I haven't seen anything so lame since that one-legged dog. Honestly, I think people would be happier with some pizza and beer.

Monday, December 19, 2005

What Does Tom Cruise Think About Karma?

After disc golf yesterday, when I got home I realized I had lost my house key. Not a huge deal since I can get in through the garage but I went back and retraced my steps and the off chance I might find it. I did not but while looking I found another disc. Now I have two discs and they have specific purposes. The red one is used for throwing onto green grass and the green one is for, well, when I lose the red one. (For the record, I don't believe in Karma.)

I'm about 1/3 of the way through Dianetics. I'm not far enough where I feel comfortable insulting the people who follow it, yet. Stay tuned.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Only in New York

Thanks to my sis for sending me these pics.












Thursday, December 15, 2005

Fun With Bananas

I picked up Dianetics last night and have read through a small portion of it. I'm trying a new, quick reading technique where I only look at every sixth word and rely on my peripheral vision to see the others nearby. Here's what I've gleaned about Dianetics:
Dianetics divides into four tones or types (0-3).

  • Type 0 is near death.
  • Type 1 you have your whole life. No cookies, cake or candy allowed unless the are clear.
  • Type 2 occurs later in life and is usually associated with weight gain.
  • Type 3 I didn't quite catch. I think it means you're both a type 1 and a type 2 (1+2=3) Dianetic.
I guess the second half of the book will explain how this relates to Scientology.

Ah, The Wee Ones

This recent post at The Sneeze was quite funny. I think if you have kids it'll be more interesting but more/less funny depending on how old your kids are (i.e. how recently they destroyed something you spent a lot of money on).

Which brings up this recent story about my nephews. My parents were babysitting (my nephews are 7 and 11 years old, I think) and my dad finally got my nephews to go to bed sometime after 11. This was, of course, after much discussion about how "Mom always lets us stay up this late" etc. , etc. You were a kid, you know the drill. My dad was a kid too--off to bed they went.

Not much later my dad grew suspicious at the complete and utter lack of noise coming from their rooms. He checked one room and found nobody there. He checked the other and saw that they were both quietly asleep in the top bunk. Too quiet. On closer inspection, my nephews turned out to have coconut heads anbd pillow bodies. My dad found them in another room playing some video game. "Did you think you could fool me?" he asked them. "We already did," was the reply.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I Feel So Pampered At Work

Got an email from one of our support groups this morning about something they screwed up. The ended the email with this line:

I apologize for any problems or incontinences this may have caused.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Doug Henning Post

I just finished reading the Harry Turtledove trilogy: The Great War (American Front, Walk in Hell and Breakthroughs). It is an alternate history of World War I based on the South having won the Civil War (which was another book he wrote but I have not read). I quite liked it but not for the normal reasons I would like a book.

  1. I found the whole idea interesting. Previously, I didn't even know there was such a genre as Alternate History.
  2. There were so many storylines (maybe 20) going on at once. Each would be told for handful of pages and then off to the next one. It took some amount of effort to keep track of each one.
  3. It reads very much like a documentary (or 20) as opposed to some contrived mystery. (Well, for the most part, not too contrived.)
  4. It was just so long. Almost like a war just getting through it. :)
This trilogy is not for you if you are looking for deep character development. Nor if you are looking for a happy ending (it's a freakin' war for crying out loud). I will also note that the word p*nis is used in the book.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

It's a Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad World

ON my way to work this morning I got stuck behind a school bus. As I drove behind it we appoched a girl who started running in the direction of the bus stop (which was about 0.2 miles down the road). For a split second I thought about pulling over and giving her a lift to the bus which she would obviously miss. I rejected stopping since I didn't expect she would take the offer and I might expect a visit from the police later for trying to lure a young girl into my car.
When the bus finally got to the bus stop and picked up the kids, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the girl still valiantly running for the bus. Perhaps she was hoping the bus would miss the light on the corner. She didn't stop until the bus turned the corner.

It's a f**ked up world when you can't help someone.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Just Wondering

Do vegans get flu shots?

BTW - I decided to get one this year. I will update on my reaction, if any, tomorrow.

Calling All Netflix'ers

I'd like to give a glowing review of the documentary, Aardvark'd, but I haven't seen it. (Although I read about it at News.com.) I'd like to see it but since it's not available on Netflix so it might as well not exist. That's where you come in, assuming you have a Netflix account (and, come on, who doesn't these days, right?) Even if you don't want to see it, if you could request it from Netflix I would certainly be grateful.

The Early Post

I pretty much have three levels of sleeping at night.

  1. Sleep about 8 hours (11p-7a) maybe with a bathroom break thrown in.
  2. Sleep about 6 hours (11p-5a) and unable to get back to sleep.
  3. Catch 30-60 minutes sleep two or three times during the night.
Last night was a level 2. As I tried to get back to sleep I had that feeling like I had left the house and forgotten to turn off the oven or some such thing. (Of course, this was not the case.) Guess you might call that a micro-mini-panic attack, just enough to keep me awake. But all is not bad, there was no traffic at all this morning (not that what I drive through could be considered traffic at any time) and I got great parking spot (which I will be vacating extra early).

Monday, December 05, 2005

Flu Be Or Not Flu Be

My company is offering flu shots this year. I haven't had one in 10-15 years. Every time I've had one in the past I get what I'd call a low level flu (the CDC calls it "side effects") with a fever around 100-101, tiredness and generally feeling like crap.

In the years since I haven't gotten the shot, I've caught the flu maybe twice and was miserable for about a week.

Overall it probably is about even in terms of DOMs (days of misery). Not sure what I'll do.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

More Fore!

Played some more disc golf yesterday and today. Cold both days (in the 30's). Snow on the ground today (about 2-3 inches). Sometimes that was good as it made my red disc easy to spot. Sometimes it was bad, when my disc disappeared underneath it. First par today on a lucky throw of about 40 feet. Got another par a couple holes later. I probably cut 10 throws off yesterday's score.

I was hoping to try out the recipe called Paul's Paella (don't be fooled by the name, it bares only a passing resemblance to actual paella). It's not worth driving on slick roads to get the ingredients. Maybe next weekend.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Yet Another Quiz

According to this quiz, I'm a left/libertarian leaning centrist. That sounds pretty good to me.

Clip And Save

Suppose you opened up a pint of ice cream (brand new), scooped some out and sat down to eat it. While eating, you happen upon something irregular. Upon spitting it out it appears to be a fingernail clipping (or perhaps a toenail clipping). What would you do?

I finished eating the ice cream.

Monday, November 28, 2005

M'eye Oh M'eye


This'll have to be quick because it is actually making me nauseous to look at the computer right now.

I just got back from the eye doctor where they had to do the dilation thing. It looks a little freaky.

If you look at the big version of the picture very closely, you can see the camera reflected in my eye.

Twilight Zone Moment

Driving in to work this morning I noticed that there was almost nobody else on the road. I actually checked my watch to see if maybe the week off had confused me and it wasn't a work day. Nope, it was Monday.

Then I heard a voice in my head that explained things. It was the radio. Deer hunting season opens today. Ah.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Whazzon?

Here's the description from Yahoo's TV listing for tonights football game.

The 2-8 Saints travel to East Rutherford to take on the struggling Jets.
Oh boy! I can't wait! :/

Friday, November 18, 2005

The Right Stuff

Thanksgiving approaches and I wanted to share this tidbit from a wine tasting class I took. One of the wines we tasted was a gerwertztraminer (I think it's pronounced geh-VERTS-tra-meen-er). I did not like it as it has a somewhat grapefruit-y flavor. Our instructor advised us that he thinks this wine goes perfectly with roast turkey. (He did not say anything about Tofurky so you are on your own there.)
Well, despite not liking the wine in the first place, I got it anyway one year and damn if I didn't like it. Maybe because it was a different brand, maybe my tastes had changed, maybe it's psychological or maybe, just maybe, it just goes well with turkey. I don't know but I'm getting a bottle or two for this year's feast.
Speaking of which, I'm heading to the land of warmth and sunshine to be with my family for the holiday. They had phone service for a few days but they are out again so don't expect to see me until after Thanksgiving.

I wish all my friends, a wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving.

For the Birds

I was watching a movie last night. It was not good movie but it was bad for all the wrong reasons. This movie seemed to have so much potential. It was killing me to watch a good basic premise being butchered by mainly poor directing and poor writing. I am talking about A Murder of Crows.

This movie begs, no, pleads, no, implores, no, no, begs was right, I should have stuck with begs. What was my point? Oh, this movie needs to be re-made. It needs someone who knows how to write and direct. It needs a "plot massage" to fill some of the holes. It needs some TLC. It is not that far from being a really good movie. What a shame.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

You're Dead

Directions:
Take one young man (a history of trouble is helpful)
Add two dead bodies.
Stir in a potential kidnapping of the secret ingredient Young, White Girl.
Shake well.

The resulting media cocktail will overflow, no trial necessary, conviction predetermined.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Dr. Ruth is Pissed

Is it just me or do some of the translations of would-be Radisson bomber Sajida Mubarak Atrous al-Rishawi make it sound like she's complaining that her husband exploded before she did and left her unsatisfied yet again?

And a funny quote by the narrator about Foxy Brown (I think that's her name) on Drawn Together.

Looks like Foxy's got herself in a pickle...instead of the other way around.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Not That Golf

While hiking around the woods near my home I discovered a Frisbee Disc Golf course tucked away there. So today I grabbed my two frisbees that I have and headed out. My goal: find every hole. I am happy to report I met my goal.

I happened by a few other people playing. Each felt the need to tell me that there are special golfing discs that fly further, straighter, through trees or what-have-you. I was very cordial and thanked them all. I ended up playing the last 12 holes with a couple college guys. Without them I would likely not have found all the holes. Overall, I played okay, given that I was using the "wrong" discs. :)

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Go On, Scat!

Let me see if I've got this straight. This guy who is recovering from bypass surgery is shopping at Home Depot. He goes into this public restroom and sits on the toilet. He does not notice that there is glue/liquid/etc. before sitting. He does not wipe the seat before sitting. He does not cover the seat with toilet paper. Lo and behold, he finds himself glued to the seat.

He thinks to himself "I'm having a heart attack." What? Did I must have miss the American Heart Association bulletin which listed "ass feels like it is being torn off" as a symptom of a heart attack?

He calls out for help which is dismissed initially as a hoax. It takes 15 minutes until paramedics are summoned. Can we assume that during this time nobody else went to the bathroom? How often do people use the bathroom at Home Depot? What are the chances that someone went into the bathroom, smeared glue on the seat and it didn't dry until Toilet Man copped a squat?

Upon hearing this gripping tail tale, others have cast doubt on the story, claiming he made a similar allegation last year. Also, in 1976 he was charged with filing a false police report, which he claims not to remember (perhaps he lost his memory when part of his ass was ripped off).

The Toilet Man claims to have "suffered from post-traumatic stress syndrome, nightmares and diabetes after the incident." And also that the lawsuit is "not about the money." I must have missed the part we he says that all the money he wins will go to charity.

He's even willing to take a polygraph. I searched the Internet but could find no instructions on how to hook up a polygraph machine to a guy with his head up his ass.

If Home Depot doesn't flush this guy away, expect to see a bunch more crap like this bobbing around soon.

More Urinal-isys

Today's urinal story is about multi-tasking. With all the layoffs at my company over the last 5 years (2/3 of the company is gone), each person is responsible for more work. Some people choose to "Work Harder, Not Smarder", others simply work during break time.

This guy was standing at the urinal, plow in one hand, cell phone in the other, apparently checking voicemail. My bathroom spy did not see how he "wrapped things up" at the urinal but he was still on the phone at the sink. Generally, when finished with the urinal, it takes two hands to zip things back up so Kudos to this one-handed wonder.

So where is this all leading? To a poll, of course. But since polls don't generate much feedback we'll do it the old fashioned way.
Is it bad manners to talk on the phone in the bathroom? What about checking voicemail? What about text messaging? Does it matter if the bathroom is public or private?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Hook Up An IV

In a clash that pitted Intelligent Design vs. Intelligent Voters, the IV's have won. Voters in the Dover, PA school district have ousted all 8 supporters of including an allusion to "Intelligent Design" in science class. Bravo.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Marathon

For anyone who didn't watch the NY Marathon yesterday, you missed one of the greatest finishes ever with Paul Tergat just beating Hendrick Ramaala by one step.

But the reason for this post was Jelena Prokopcuka's (the Women's Division winner) quote of what inspired her to win. Referring to a competitor she said:

"I got confident and I knew I could win when I saw her vomiting"
It inspired me, too...to get lunch.

Stikadikaphobia

There are all kinds of people in the world and they are into all kinds of "interesting" behaviors but for this women's lawyer to indicate that gluing a man's genitals to his abdomen was part of "adventurous, consensual sex" is a bit beyond comprehension.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Your fireFlly is Open

Been watching Firefly on DVD (just finished Disc 2). I almost hurt my self on these lines:

Saffron (naked in Mal's room): I do know my Bible, Sir. "On the night of their betrothal the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his full and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast."

Mal (in a daze): Oh. Good Bible.

Saffron: I'm not skilled, sir, nor a pleasure to look upon.

Mal: Saffron. You're pleasing. You're, uh... Hell, you're all kinds of pleasin' and, uh, it's--it's been a while--a long damn while--since anybody but me took ahold of my plow[...]

Then I fell off the couch, injuring my knee but my, uh, plow was undamaged.

5000 Calories of Heaven

I made a couple of adjustments from the recipe. I used cocoa powder/sugar/butter instead of bittersweet chocolate and baked this baby at 300 without a water bath for 1 hour and then another hour at 250 and another just sitting in the oven, the whole time with a big pan of water on the bottom rack.

And now it's in the fridge and I won't have piece until tomorrow. Oh, the humanity.

Please call first if you're coming over. ;)

Friday, November 04, 2005

Heya Pumpkin

I made one of these a couple years ago and it was sooo good. I think I'll make another this weekend. Drool, drool, drool.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

What the F. Buckley?

If you happened to read today's Buckley column (and I don't recommend it) you will likely be stumped by the use of the word "tricoteuses".

After much research, it would appear that this is French for "knitter". If only I knew the French word for "pompous ass", I could perfectly describe further what I think of this.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

PO'd

Wow. Have you seen Sen. Frist going on about the Democrats forcing a closed session of the Senate?

"The United States Senate has been hijacked by the Democratic leadership," said Majority Leader Bill Frist of Tennessee.
Man, you'd think they shoved a hot poker up his ass or something. It's the freaking end of the world. How dare they! Didn't they get that Republican mandate memo!

Sen. Lott said
"[the]move violated the Senate's tradition of courtesy and consent."
But it'll be perfectly fine to change the Senate rules to not allow a filibuster of a judge nomination.

I wonder if I'd be liable for slander if I said that all politicians are asses. Probably. So let's just go with most politicians are asses.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Ewwww

We are debugging a problem here at work. My colleague sent me a file, often refered to as a "dump" file, called (I kid you not) BgAnalData.txt.

I sent him an e-mail that said that might not be the best name for the file.

His reply "I thought it had a nice ring to it..."

Shocking News

Jeebus, if there is something you think we are doing wrong, please send us a sign...

[Rev.] Lake was stepping into the baptismal when he reached out to adjust a nearby microphone[...]
"Everyone just immediately started praying."
Any sign at all...

Oh, The Weather Outside Is...

Perfect. You have to grab days like these when they come around. I took a walk/hike yesterday that was so great I almost didn't want to go home. There's all kinds of hiking/mountain bike trails right by my place. And it only took me 7 months to realize it!

And my manager is on vacation today! How could this day get any better?

Saturday, October 29, 2005

No Phones, No Lights

And almost no motor cars. My family in Florida is still without power. They also lost phone service the day after the Wilma. Luckily their cell phone are working. Also, the supermarket near them has been open.
They went out yesterday to look for a car charger for their phone and hunt for gas. They charged their cell once outside the supermarket. A security guard approached them and told them they couldn't do that but this ridiculous situation was diffused since my dad knew the security guard. They also charged it once in a restaurant that was open. They didn't notice that their phone needed charging until the end of the meal and then they had a "loooooooonnnnng cup of coffee". Mid to late Nov. is when they were told they'd have power back.

My nephews' school is closed and is day-to-day. No power at their house either. They got gas the other day. That's actually a big event these days. My sister heard on the radio that a tanker was heading to a certain station and they drove there to meet it.

My other sister is spending a lot of time with her friend, who now looks like a genius, that has a whole house generator which runs on natural gas.

Overall, everyone is good spirits, all things considered.

10/31/2005 - Update - Apparently the people who say when things will be working (let's call them "management") have no idea what the people on the lines (let's call them "engineers") are doing. Power came back up last night. :)

Friday, October 28, 2005

Oh My

Of all the pictures to use for this announcement they picked this one?

Scary Halloween Reading

I can only say "Wow!"

"[...] CBS poll this month found that 51 percent of respondents believed humans were created in their present form by God. A further 30 percent said their creation was guided by God. Only 15 percent thought humans evolved from less advanced life forms over millions of years."

Cavity Search

One of the people I work with got pulled over on the loop road that goes around our building by our crack security team the other day. "For speeding?" you might think. Well, that would be pretty difficult as he was running at the time. The security truck literally pulled up next to him and told he should be out there. After a bit of hassling, my friend let slip that he worked here. The guard became nicer at this point but not much. After a bit more discussion the guard asked my friend's name (I believe it is going on his permanent record) and released him. He promptly waas nearly run over by same truck as he crossed the road.

I feel so safe working here.

And what about Trent Lott stating that the next nominee for the Supreme Court can be a "man, woman or minority"?

Monday, October 24, 2005

Not The French

Here's a couple of frog stories from my sister:

FS1: My sister is standing outside a few days ago talking to her neighbor when she hears a sound like "thumthumthum". "Did you hear that?" Soon, "thumthumthum". It was getting dark so they grabbed a flashlight and started to investigate. The sound led them to the AC compressor, which was running but the sound had stopped. Inside the AC housing they found a frog who had been "not decapitated...like deleggitated". Poor guy.

FS2: My sister stayed with her friend during the hurricane. After the eye had passed over, they were watching through the window as the fierce windows picked back up to gale force. Out in the street they saw a frog trying to cross. With a gust or attempted leap, the frog would start tumbling down the street like a...a...like a tumble frog. My sister's friend could not bear the site, she rushed outside, barely able to stand chasing the frog which immediately tried to get away...by hopping...and tumbling. Oh, the frogmanity! (Or is it hufrogity?) Well, my friends, she caught that frog and put him in the bushes...which promptly blew away. (I'm just kidding about that last part.)

Saturday, October 22, 2005

It Rhymes With Bagel

Uhm, hmmm. Did you..err, no. Can...unh-uh. I guess I'm not sure how to start this one. Apparently companies sell a 1 lb. plastic coated dumbbell for use in Kegel exercises but after reading the directions I fail to see the benefit of this thing (as opposed to just doing Kegel exercises). I'm also puzzled as to why you must be 18 to buy it.

Update!!! For someone whose religion (or whatever) does not allow them to enjoy themselves, perhaps the Kegel Exerciser gives them moral shelter for having a good time.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Teach, Your Children Well

What kind of crazy online advice person would say something like this (for a man who is walking around naked infront of his kids)?

My suggested aversion therapy: The next time he makes his grand entrance, your daughter and the girls should point at his lower midsection and start laughing.
Guess what? It's Dear Abby!

Please Use Rear Entrance

Forgot to post this last week. I went for an eye exam last week. As I pulled up to the building (one of those big, professional complexes) I saw in big bold letters on the front doors "Endoscopy Only" and another indicating the main entrance was in the rear and I immediately thought they had things backwards.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Pres

Went for an eye exam last week. First they tested my distance vision. With contacts in, I tested between 20/30 and 20/20 vision. Next came the reading vision test. The doctor put the reading card in my hands (which were in my lap) and asked me to read the lowest line I could read. I didn't do very well. "Uhmmm, hmmm," she said along with mentioning something about presbyopia.

Me: Well, can I hold it closer?
Doc: (stupified) Uh, if you can read it closer, sure.

With the card a foot from my face I promtly read the 20/10 line.

Note to eye doctors: when someone has a 6 1/2 foot wingspan, arms length is more like distance vision than reading vision. ;)

Monday, October 17, 2005

Mood: Dumbfounded

Well, I was just thinking that I really don't have anything to post when one just falls into my lap, er, uh, ears.

About 10 minutes ago, from across the sea of cubicles I hear "BLNGNGNGNGNG, BLNGNGNGNGNG, BLNGNGNGNGN". Someone's cell phone is ringing. It is far louder than our regular office phones. One minute later, it goes off again. A couple minutes after that it rings again and this time, loud talker (which goes with a loud ringer, I guess) answers it

LT: HELLO. {pause} (note he is now walking down the hall right by my cube toward the window for better reception) NO, I'M SORRY YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER. {pause} NO THIS IS A CELL PHONE. {sound of phone folding}

LT is now walking back passed my cube and just after he passes it "BLNGNGNGNG". (Pay attention now, here's where it gets good.) He turns around and starts walking back toward the window (for better reception!) as he answers the phone:

LT: HELLO, THIS IS THE SAME NUMBER YOU JUST CALLED. {pause} NO, THIS IS A CELL PHONE IN PENNSYLVANIA. {pause} {sound of phone folding}

I would ask this guy to turn down/off his ringer and stop yelling into his phone but since he seems pretty oblivious to the world around him, I'm sure he soon be promoted to management where he'll have his own office.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

So Sad

Two stories caught my eye today. The first was a new poll that showed 79% "of Americans feel comfortable with a woman President of the United States". What I find a little sad is that 21% either are not comfortable or didn't answer. I wonder how many aren't comfortable with men as President?

The other story was about a polio outbreak in an Amish community (would you feel comfortable with an Amish President who had polio?). According to this article, at least some of these people are more fearful of of the polio vaccine than the risk of an infection. I'd say these poeple have been watching to much X-Files but I don't think they have TVs.

Breaking News: Turkeys!!!!

Friday, October 14, 2005

People Search For Ass

Interestlingly, many recent hits to my blog came from people searching for the word "ass". I wonder what would happen if I put the word "sex", "nude" or "naked" in my blog. I'll have try that some time.

My work e-mail has been the proud recipient of much spam recently. Fortunately, my company has a great spam filter in place. Instead of actually receiving the spam e-mail, my company replaces it with an e-mail with the Subject, Sender and Percentage Chance of it being Spam. Here's an example I received:

  • 88% shelled@niehaus.com YOU WANT SOME OUTRIGHT SEX - DON'T YOU?
  • 92% muscled@listyourhome.com Are you happy about your size and sexual performance?
I just thought it was funny that these were deemed to have a 12% and 8% chance of being legitimate business e-mails.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Are You An Ass-In Man?

If you are looking for parallel, this is not the blog you're looking for. Please move along.

Now that the weak minded have left us, let us discuss head-in vs. ass-in, shall we? Most people have a pretty good grasp on head-in. They might do head-in every day, maybe several times a day. All this practice adds up and it is rare that a head-in fiasco is seen.

But not everyone likes to be part of the herd. Some prefer ass-in. Maybe they've grown tired of the same head-in every day. Maybe they like the quick get-away aspect of the ass-in. Maybe they are just showing off.

One thing I've noted is that people that prefer ass-in are almost exclusively male. Most of the ass-in people prefer to do it in either a sports car or truck. I actually saw someone trying do go ass-in in a minivan this morning and boy was that funny. Like that python that exploded eating an alligator.

Sometimes, given the opportunity, people will go head-in and go so deep in that it will actually appear that they've gone ass-in from a different direction. Both men and women will do this "faux ass-in". I wonder if they think they are fooling anyone.









Which do you prefer?
I'm pretty conservative. I only do head-in.
I like variety. Head-in. Ass-in. What ever works at the time.
Once you try ass-in, you either love it or hate it. And I love it!




Free polls from Pollhost.com

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

You Won't Hear David Doing This One

(to be read in David Attenborough style)
In the bathroom earlier today I happened upon a newly evolved "courtesy flush".

The courtesy flush we are all familiar with could also be known as the stench flush. When you drop an exceptionally putrid bobber, showing it the way home as soon as possible makes for a nicer environment for anyone who is not olfactorilly impaired. In many ways, the courtesy flush is itself an evolutionary step beyond the timed Squirt-O-Scent. But another feature of the courtesy flush has now been exploited...it's the sound. (insert flushing toilet whoosh here)

Perhaps, life is not agreeable lately. Perhaps the cafeteria was serving navy bean soup. Whatever the cause, the explosive percussive sounds of human defecation can be quite embarassing to some. Apparently embarassing enough to cause some, even though they are hidden in their floating-wall fortress, to feel the need to drown out the sound (whooosh).

And we'll study all of this in the next episode of The Bathroom Habits of Humans.

UPDATED! Yet another evolutionary path has been discovered only very recently. He has been named the cuckoo for reasons which will soon be apparent. This one is dealing with the same sound issue but in a different and, in many ways, more economical manner. Like the cuckoo bird who relies on other birds to raise its young, this one relies on others to produce the auditory cover he so desperately needs. The chap at the nearby urinal is oblivious to what is about to take place. In his stall, the cuckoo listens intently for the telltale sound of the last shake. Only exquisite timing and control can pull this one off.

Unfortunately, the shake habits vary so greatly from one chap to the next that invariably that the expulsion frequently meets with no cover of sound. Sadly, and perhaps due to this poor adaptation, the cuckoo appears unable to find a mate and his genetic adaptation appears headed for Darwin's survival-of-the-fittest toilet.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Just Leave the Box

Watched Sin City this weekend. Never read the "graphic novel" (which sounds suspiciously like a comic book). Still, quite liked the movie. Won't ruin it for you if you haven't seen it.

Also finished watching The Life of Birds series. Fantastic. I'd especially recommend this to those people who think that only an omniscient being could have come up with all the complexity around us. For example, the divine inspiration for a pair of birds that after hatching 8 or so chicks, kills them one by one until only a couple survive and are raised.

Lastly, break out the tissues (don't even think what you are thinking, you perv). I finished the Band of Brothers series which focuses on E (Easy in military speak) company of the 101st Airborne during WWII. What these guys went through is incomprehensible. I could not recommend this series more heartily. And you'll need tissues...a whole box would be wise.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Porter Goss Is An Idiot

Well, maybe I give him too much credit.

Porter Goss says he won't punish the agents that screwed up because

"Singling out these individuals would send the wrong message to our junior officers about taking risks -- whether it be an operation in the field or being assigned to a hot topic at headquarters."
Hey MORON! What message does that send? And what risks are you talking about? The risk of not reporting someone who is taking flying lessons but doesn't want to learn how to land a plane?

I don't remember any crap of these proportions under Reagan, the other Bush or Clinton. Did I just not care back then? Did they do a better job of covering things up? Or was it just not this bad?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Pretty Smart Design

The Onion has a little on the Pennsylvania Intelligent Design Trial. My favorite:

Monkey called as witness fails to identify anyone in courtroom as his descendant.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Blood Fountain

Good news/Bad news. First, the good news: my blood pressure was up about 30 points today (all the way to 117 over something) and so I was allowed to give blood. I think that my previous low blood pressure may have been due to low hydration. I drank extra water this morning to make sure I wasn't dehydrated. The other side affect was that by the time they started prepping my arm, I really could have used a trip to the bathroom.

The bad news: Perhaps due to my super hydration state or perhaps it was something else, when I got poked with the needle blood spurted all over. I got a good 15-20 drops on my shirt and pants, some more on my arm and some on the lounge chair. They tried to clean me up with some hydrogen peroxide (which worked a little) but I think there was just too much blood. So I'm working from home the rest of the day. So, I guess this isn't really very bad news.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Drum Roll Please

The Internet can read your mind!

Ultimate Vegan Insult

Before I post this, I just want to mention that one of my friends is a vegan and is so strict she won't even wear silk because you have to kill the silkworm in order to get it. Now, on with the post.

From the latest, "Steve, Don't Eat It!":

"I was immediately distracted by the unexpected squirt of briny liquid that shot out into my mouth. A little heads up would have been nice. (Am I right, ladies?)"
Read all the sordid details about eating silkworm pupas.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

It's No Grilled Cheese

I saw this bird on TV and it made me think of this person. What do you think?

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Ode to Robert Plant

OK. Let me try this again less graphically (I just erased something you surely did not want to read).

Every now and then a man wishes he had one of those toilets that I wrote about a couple weeks back. This morning was one of those times for me. Fortunately, I was wise enough to have a plunger when I move into my new place earlier this year. Unforunately, this plunger has a design flaw. Here's a picture of what it looked like after the first plunge.
Just in case it is not apparent from the picture, the cup at the end of the stick has turned inside-out and stayed like that. That's like a clock stopping at midnight or a car with no way to refill the gas tank or, well, you get the idea.
Ok, I'll just leave the story there.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Tax Cut BS

Yet again today there was some guy on the TV ranting on and on about how tax cuts will raise tax revenue.

Now, let me say, I don't know if taxes were cut a little if revenues would go up or down. Nobody does. Hear that? NOBODY DOES. Here's what I do know: if taxes are cut to ZERO, tax revenues will go down. Period. End of story. Now you might argue that if income taxes are cut to zero then they believe sales tax revenue would go up but that is NOT what these people are saying. If that is what they mean then frickin' say it!

And for goodness sake, don't take this to mean I wouldn't welcome lower taxes. I'm just pointing out more political BS.

Potpourri for 500, Alex

Hmmm, maybe this restaurant would do better serving Pol Pot Roast!

How about ski jumping in the streets of San Francisco?

Oy Gevalt! I can't believe they put up this sign.

Hey Onion!

Well, I've tried for a couple days to write something based on this idea but I can't get anywhere so I'll put it out for anyone that wants to use it.

The idea was that the lack of government response to the Hurricane Katrina (being a so-called "act of God) disaster could be blamed on the First Amendment's separation of church and state (or "activist judges" interpretation of same). Seems like there could be a funny story written on this premise...just not by me.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Tempting Fate

No, this is not another anti-religion diatribe. I was in Target on Monday and they had their Halloween stuff out (it has actually been out for a couple weeks, right after the back to schoool stuff disappeared). This got me thinking about how much candy I'll need for Halloween. I don't see many kids in the neighborhood but there are some nearby that wait for buses in the morning. So, against better judgement I picked up some candy so I got the 70. oz. Nestle assortment (Crunch, 100 Grand, Baby Ruth and Butterfinger).

I could hide the candy so as not to be tempted but that would indicate weakness. No. No. I will keep the candy on the baker's rack right next to where I perform the (queue Tchaikovsky) Dance of the Mixing Cereals. So far, so good but it's only been 3 days. I think I'll be OK. The real test will be after Halloween when I've only given away 6 pieces of candy and have 99 left. Then I'll buckle and have to bring it in to work to get rid of it.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Work Thong

Warning! This link is only for those with a strong stomach.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Bush Addressing Low Approval Ratings

Princeton, NJ - With President Bush's approval ratings slipping to all time lows, the White House has announced a two part plan to get Bush's numbers "back in the black"

Part one deals with a massive publicity campaign with Bush giving motivational speeches.
"People need to believe in their President, uh, specially [sic] in times that, uh, test their beliefs and their wallets" said Bush in another unintelligible sentence. He also added, "[To address the gas shortages, people, ] if they're able to maybe not drive on a trip that's not essential, that would be helpful." Republicans immediately pointed the "strong leadship" of such a statement.

Part two, the White House, in an unprecedented move, is buying the Gallup Organization. Press Secretary Scott McClellan decried the current "liberal bias" in the polling business, noting that "The Gallup Organization is located in one of the most towns [Princeton] in one of the most liberal states [New Jersey] in the nation...if not the world." Asked whether that meant that they would be moving the Gallup headquarters, he responded "We are looking for a more central and politically neutral location, such as Oglesby, Texas."

Sunday, September 25, 2005

What Do Yuz Want On That?

Visited my friend Marc in Pittsburgh this weekend. My only request was to visit Primanti's for a sandwich while I was there. Primanti's is famous (actually they say "Almost Famous") not exactly for their sandwiches but for what they put on them. Every sandwich comes standard with tomato, coleslaw and french fries. Yes, blazing hot, straight from the oil, french fries.

I decided on the corned beef & cheese while Marc had the cheese steak ("It's not a Philly cheesesteak, it's really more of a hamburger"). Mine was good and certainly unique I really wanted to put ketchup on it...but not with the corned beef. (I will note that Marc did not put ketchup on his.) Next time I'm there I'll get something with the plan to add ketchup.

No trip to Marc's would be complete without some woodworking. We made this balance wine holder from what was supposed to be a flower holder (set it on edge, drill three holes in top edge and add test tubes to hold flowers) but was not tall enough.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

A Fluff Piece

There are two things that I find very funny/odd about this whole Lance Armstrong doping thing.

First, the head (no pun intended) of the World Anti-Doping Agency is Dick Pound. How do you go through life with that name?

Second, this quote "six of Armstrong's frozen urine samples from 1999" would indicate that there is, perhaps, a viable business to be made freezing and storing pee.

Headline from the Future - 2120 - Clone made from DNA frozen in urine in 1999 beats clone from 2003 urine to win Tour Du France.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The Magic Flute, Carmen and Aida

It may be a last gasp, it may be a brilliant marketing idea (ha!), who knows, but if you are into the alternative lifestyle* then you can now go to the Opera for free**.

* - as in Internet browsing
** - free of ads and cost

Friday, September 16, 2005

Who's Doing What To Whom and How Often?

I'm posting this late on Friday in the hopes of avoiding problems for people at work.

A new report on the sexual behavior of people in the US was recently released. They decided to highlight things like (my bold)

In response to a question that asked, “Do you think of yourself as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or something else?” 90 percent of men 18-44 years of age responded that they think of themselves as heterosexual, 2.3 percent of men answered homosexual, 1.8 percent bisexual, 3.9 percent “something else,” and 1.8 percent did not answer the question (figure 8). Percents for women were similar.
Aside from this question, I wasn't too thrilled with what they considered "highlights". After reading through the report myself, I'd like to point out what I consider the highlights:

Virginity vs. Education
There is a small correlation between men who have had no sexual contact with women and education level. The percent of men (age 15-44) without high school diploma or GED who have had no sexual contact with women is 3.1%. Same for men with GED or high school diploma. It rises slightly to 3.3% for those with some college but not bachelor's degree. It tops out at 3.9% for those with a bachelor's or higher.
For women (15-44), the percent who have had no sexual contact with a man was: 1.7% for those with no high school diploma or GED, 1.0% for those with high school diploma or GED, 1.9% for those with some college but no bachelor's and 3.5% for those with a bachelor's or higher.

So, generally, more education -> less likely to have sexual contact with opposite sex. Interestingly, (see Table 9 in the report) more education somewhat correlates with a higher percentage of people having had same-sex sexual contact.

Race vs. Oral
The percentage of men (15-24) giving or receiving oral sex to/from a woman varies quite widely by race.

...........Giving Receiving
Hispanic:...53%.....63%
White:......61%.....68%
Black:......38%.....68%

Notice that more men are receiving than performing.

For women, age 15-24, giving or receiving oral sex to/from a man, the numbers look like this:

..........Giving Receiving
Hispanic:...50%.....55%
White:......68%.....70%
Black:......42%.....66%

There is a strong correlation between men and women here which could be due to cultural, religious, etc. factors.
I will also note (without showing the numbers) that although a larger percentage of Whites have participated in oral sex, their numbers are lower than Blacks and Hispanics for vaginal sex. Also, a larger percentage of White women (again still age 15-24) have had anal sex than Blacks or Hispanics while the numbers for White men are lower.

Attraction vs. Orientation
I don't underestand this one at all. Nearly 28% of men who identified themselves as bisexual indicated that they were only attracted to females. I will add that less than 6% of women who said they were bisexual indicated they were only attracted to males.

How It's Worded
And lastly (is anyone still reading this?) there was this explanation of how the wording of a question differed between different ways of administering.

Interviewer version:
‘‘At any time in your life, have you ever had sexual intercourse with a man, that is, made love, had sex, or gone all the way? [...] Do not count oral sex, anal sex, heavy petting, or other forms of sexual activity that do not involve vaginal penetration. Do not count sex with a female partner.’’
Self administered version:
‘‘Has a male ever put his penis in your vagina (also known as vaginal intercourse)?’’
South Park Version:
"Has a man ever put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?"
OK, I made that last part up.

A Potato With Eyes

I must say I was nonplussed to hear that a Sri Lankan/Canadian broke the world couch potato record. The new record is 69 hours, 48 minutes. Americans should be ashamed and redouble their efforts to gain this crown.

Interestingly, the same man

"[...]holds more than 16 Guinness records, including the longest duration balancing on one foot (76 hours, 40 minutes) and bowling for 100 hours."
I find it amazing he was able to stand on one foot longer than sit on a couch watching TV.

Pondering

I just heard that 3 mice infected with "The Plague" went missing from a lab in New Jersey and it got me thinking. The names of diseases used to be much scarier than they are today. For example:

  • The Plague - Is there any other disease that warrants the "The"
  • Black Death - Avoid him like "The Plague"
Now, we have:
  • AIDS - as scary as this disease is, it actually sounds helpful
  • Asian Bird Flu - Would't Crocodile Flu sound scarier?
  • Flesh Eating Bacteria - Although not a disease name, this is the only exception I can think of.
Just something to ponder.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Equal Opportunity

I've been bashing Republicans quite a bit lately. As the party in power, they are the easiest target. But I've recently had a Democratic beauty dropped into my lap (well, actually my mailbox). It's the 2005 Critical National Issues Survey from the Friends of Hillary people. (Why this was sent to me, I don't know.)

This was my favorite "question" on the survey (bold italics mine):

5) How concerned are you about ongoing Republican proposals to privatize Social Security by investing some of it in the stock market and putting the retirement of millions of Americans at risk? _ Very concerned _ Somewhat concerned _ Unconcerned

Good grief.

Pussy Denied

A German inventor, who claims he can produce crude oil from waste products, denies he ever said he used dead cats.

I've never used cats and would never think of that. At most the odd toad may have jumped in.
I find it particularly interesting that the company's name is "Alphakat GmbH."

An Above Average Post

One of my co-workers has this article posted at the entry to his cubicle.

"[...] most incompetent people do not know that they are incompetent."

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Shick Announces Million Blade Razor

New York - Schick, a unit of Energizer Holdings, has announced a razor containing one million blades. A spokeperson for Schick said, "This razor will change the face of shaving!" When asked whether this razor was a response to Gillette's new five-bladed Fusion razor, they responded, "That would be ridiculous. If it was why isn't it a six-bladed razor?"

Gillette unveiled the three-bladed Mach3 in 1998 and Schick followed in 2003 with the four-bladed Quattro. In the cutthroat razor business, blades mean bucks. The suggested retail price of the million blade razor is $999.99. "It was important to keep the price below $1000," said the spokesperson.

Responding to a question about how a million blade razor could even fit on someone's face, the spokesperson responded that "[people] shave more than just their faces."

Indeed. This reporter tried a sample and was able to shave his entire head, back and buttocks in just a few very short strokes while simultaneously shaving his wife's legs.

Hong Kong based Personal Care Industry analyst, Harry Chin said, "They [Schick] are sure to carve out a large share of the market with this razor." He also cut Gillette shares from Outperform to Neutral.

Agreeing was analyst Ivan Nicks, who felt this would leave Gillette with only the stubble of the market.

Energizer Holdings, trading on the NYSE, was down $0.19 today.

Rumors on the street indicate Gillette is planning to buy privately held Care-Metix, one of the largest producers of styptic pencils in the U.S.

Monday, September 12, 2005

FEMA Director Brown Resigns, Eyes 2008 White House Bid

Washington, D.C. - FEMA director Michael Brown has resigned, according to senior administration sources.

Last week, Brown was relieved of his emrgency management duties in New Orleans and recalled to Washington on the pretense of urgent national FEMA business. Sources confirm that the real reason is to begin preparing for a 2008 Presidential Bid.

"This [darn] hurricane has taken too much attention away from this country's most pressing need; repeal of the 22nd Amendment," said administration sources. Adding, "All of our plans revolved around Bush beating [presumed Democratic nominee] Hillary [Clinton] in '08, but if he can't Brownie [Michael Brown] is the next least qualified."

When asked about the 2008 race, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "We categorically deny any preference based on race."

A Gallup Poll showed, Brown and Clinton in a virtual dead heat were the election to be held today.

The Lighter Side of...

Bargain Shopping.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Your Business is Your Business

I was browsing through today's ads when I ran across a tiolet that claims to be able to flush up to 29 golf balls in one flush. Uhhmm, may I humbly suggest that if you business resembles 29 golf balls that perhaps you need a doctor (or more fiber) and not a new toilet.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

2, 2, 2 Posts in 1

Movie Review: Down By Law
Apparently, I'm really missing something as IMDB rates this 7.7 out of 10 which is pretty high. I'd say this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life (and I will note that there was a time when I was watching 3, yes 3, movies a day). It was so boring I walked out even though I was watching it in my own apartment.

Following is for CoHer's only: Successful Hami raid tonight. Almost as boring as the above movie but not quite.

The Lighter Side of Life

I was watching Kill Reality the other day. For those that don't know (and I hope that is all of you) it is a reality show following the lives and making of a movie starring former reality show participants. Did that make sense?

The reason for this post is purely educational. During the course of the show, Jonny performed an "Upper Decker" which is when you take a dump in the tank portion (as opposed to the bowl) of the toilet. That is so foul that I almost stopped watching the show. Almost.

Friday, September 09, 2005

I Don't Know What To Say

I'm not even in Iraq and this President is killing me!

"I call upon all Americans to pray to Almighty God [...]"
But have you noticed that nobody's talking about Karl Rove any more? Is there anyone in this administration that isn't a moron, liar or a weasel? I need an aspirin...

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Hold Your Horses

I thought this was pretty frickin' funny.

Bush to Tap Michael Brown for Supreme Court

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Apparently I'm Remiss

There's been some coverage of this topic by the media but leave it to The Onion to throw the humor wrench into things with this headline:

White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters
or, if you prefer something lighter, try
Another Saints Season Ruined Before It Begins

Monday, September 05, 2005

Movies of the Week

Here's this past weeks DVD wrap-up:

Secretary: Netflix lists this movie under "Romance" but do not expect a chick flick. Characters are train wrecks. You can't stop watching but in the end you get nothing out of it.

Brother's Keeper: A documentary. I thought it was pretty well done.

The Jacket: With a little tweaking I think this could have been good. Meh.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Back

Woops. I forgot to post that'd I'd be gone all week. I was in the mountains of North Carolina for the week, reading (Harry Potter #3), golfing and relaxing (those last two are definitely not the same). The drive was <9 hours there, 9+ back. Trip back was longer due to slower driving speed and two stops for gas. The first stop was at a Pilot station in VA selling gas for the ultra-low price of just $2.99/gal. The second stop was at Taco Bell. :)

Friday, August 26, 2005

Wait For The Shake

And people wonder why I don't drink cofee...

Postal Worker Charged in Coffee Urine Case

Thursday, August 25, 2005

God Hates America

It has been less than a month and already there has been another "miracle" plane crash and once again, God has chosen to bypass America with his miracles. America has more flights than any other country in the world* and yet we have been snubbed again and again by God and his miracles. Now, Peru I can understand. It seems like a serious and pious country but the previous miracle was French/Canadian. I mean, puh-lease.
Maybe someone with a really deep and ethereal voice can talk to Pat Robertson and ask him to ask his flock to pray for a miracle for the US, assuming he's not to busy calling for an assassination, or denying that he did, or apologizing for the first or...nevermind, he's clearly too busy.

* - I have no idea if this is true but is sure sounds correct.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Waiting for the Infomercial

I would love to see an infomercial for this product (only $645!). (Or check their website.) Italics are mine.

The HairMax LaserComb sends nourishing laser light energy into your hair to revitalize it and improve its condition. Your hair will thicken, strengthen and become healthier with better quality. It's that simple! The end result is that your hair will flourish and you may start to like your hair again!
Lasers are also used for hair removal.

Of course, radiation used to be sold to cure all kinds of things. Alas, they found out later that there were problems prompting this WSJ headline:
The Radium Water Worked Fine until His Jaw Came Off.

The Big 5-0

This post was going to be about how my main character in City of Heroes hit level 50 last night (woot!) but this morning's drive story trumps it.

After pulling out of my garage I noticed a Subaru driving a bit too fast coming down the street of my apartment complex. I wisely let him pass. We were both going in the same direction. Despite his apparent urgency, stop-signs and red lights conspired to keep me right behind him. At the third red light, he was the second car and I was third. There is a big "No Turn On Red" sign at the intersection. Without any warning, this guy started smashing the back of his fist onto the steering wheel. Imagine someone with a rubber stamp trying to mark something "Paid". Paid! Paid! Paid! Over and over. Each time his horn (or was it just the noise of the steering wheel itself?) would let out a little yelp. Paid! (meep) Paid! (meep) I literally pushed myself back in my seat trying to stay away. He hit it about 10 times then stopped. Man, oh, man. After a couple seconds of calm, PAID! One last smash. The light changed and all three cars headed in the same direction (note that there is no place to pass) for about a mile until Subabrute needed to turn left (the first car and I continued straight). Subabrute actually passed the first car while in the short left turn lane then screeched around the corner, amazingly, without spinning out or hitting anything.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

GBM

The subject of the new Game Boy came up yesterday. The new product is named Game Boy Micro and it is 4" x 2" x 0.7" so it's not quite the size of a pack of gum like I had heard. Still, it's pretty tiny.

Infallible

Watched Penn & Teller's Bullsh*t (season 2, disc 3) on Friday. Topics skewered were: the funeral industry, 12-step programs, the exercise industry, the bible (actually the people who want to take it literally) and hypnosis.

Here are a couple of the quotes they pointed out from the bible:

Exodus 35:2 - Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day there shall be to you an holy day, a sabbath of rest to the LORD: whosoever doeth work therein shall be put to death.
They held up a painting of Jesus (with long hair of course) while they read this one:
1 Corinthians 11:14 - Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?

Friday, August 19, 2005

Ouch!

This video hurts to watch (actually I think it's the sound that hurts). It hurts so much I watched it 4 times in a row.
I will note that this video was pointed out to me by a friend who bought a zip-line to install in his backyard. I will let you know the website of the video as soon as he gets it installed.

Whaddya Call Me?

There's this article about a woman whose cable bill was addressed to "Bitch Dog" and a guy whose electric company sent him letters addressed to "Scrotum Bag". Leave it to me to notice that both of these have a certain feature (and I'm sure there's a word for it that I just can't think of). It's like saying a "round circle". All bitches are dogs. All scrota are bags. All circles are round (Yes, that one's backwards but it's the same idea). Anybody know what word I'm looking for?

Update: Duh. I guess the word is "redundant" but I was hoping for something more elegant.

The Next Big Thing

Here it is. Are you ready? This quote regarding the use of the word "mate".

"It's pomposity gone mad" - Bob Hawke*

* - Also available in T-shirt format.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

No, Not Folders!

This Arizona high school has replaced their textbooks with computers but there is always room for complaining.

"It was kind of hard at first, because you had to put things in folders," Julian said, referring, naturally, to virtual folders on his computer's desktop.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

There's an Elephant in My Office

Apparently, some scientists think it would be a good idea to reintroduce elephants and other species to North America. Here's a quote:

"Establishing Asian asses and Przewalski's horse in North America might help prevent the extinction of these endangered species and would restore equid species to their evolutionary homeland"
I fear Asian asses would simply wipeout all the American asses.

Aquatic Death

Last night's DVD: The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Essentially boring but with funny moments. After 15 minutes I started reading a clothing catalog while watching. Willem Defoe's character, Klaus, was the highlight for me. Tip for Owen Wilson: if you're going to do an accent, try to keep for the entire movie.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Weekend Watch

This past weekend I watch two DVDs:
Penn & Teller's Bullsh*t (Season 2, disc 2) - This disc skewers Recycling, Profanity, New Age (including Yoga and Tantric Sex) and the Fountain of Youth. Recycling? What's wrong with recycling? Oh, man. And Yoga too? I just started Yoga. (Good news, the stretching is OK for the most part, they just skewer the mind/spirit aspect. Whew!) Very funny!
Hoop Dreams - A fairly old documentary (1994) that follows two kids from very poor areas of Chicago through high school with dreams of making it to the NBA. At nearly 3 hours long, it needed to be very compelling to watch the whole thing and it was.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Foximile

I was flipping through the dial this evening when I happened up the "Fox News" channel showing the O'Reilly Factor. They tout the show as the "No Spin Zone". Only a total fucking moron would believe that anything they see regarding the news is devoid of spin.

That aside, they are talking about Cindy Sheehan who's son was killed in the Iraq war. The show host (Bill is not on for some reason) and guest keep saying that "she lost her son". Lost? Are they saying that Little Bo Peep's sheep are actually dead? Holy crap, I think I'm scarred for life.

I guess I just fed up with lying and bullshit lately.

Bush, Santorum and Harris

On Sunday, I went to Best Buy to buy an MP3 player. At the check-out line, there was a gentleman (late 50's I'd say) in front of me. He was looking to the side at the selection of books for sale. (Why Best Buy sells "regular" books, I don't know.) I only remember two of the books. One was the latest Harry Potter book and the other was pointed out by this gentleman.

Man (to me) : I can't believe they allow her books in here.
Me: Who?
Man: Jane Fonda, that commy.
Me: Well, uh, that's what America is all about, right? Free speech?
Man: Did you know that when she visited Vietnam three soldiers wrote their Social Security numbers on slips of paper and handed them to her and she turned those over of their captors and they were killed?
*blink*
Mercifully, the next check-out person was free and off went the man to pay for electronics from communist China.

Much to my surprise, this story (or something closely resembling it) has been circulating for quite some time. There is an account of this urban legend at Snopes. Let me be very plain; I don't give a shit about Jane Fonda or what she did or didn't do in Vietnam. This story is about that guy. That guy is middle America. That guy is why Bush is President, Santorum is a Senator and, most likely, Katherine Harris will be elected to the Senate next year.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Moratorium

Is it just me or has almost every recent news story come along with some slippery-slope argument or, at least, a slippery-slope reference.
I hearby call for a ban on "slippery slope" arguments. Without this moratorium every argument will eventually become a "slippery slope" argument.

Here Comes Dessert

No, I didn't see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yet.

I recently bought a bag of Snyder's of Hanover New York Deli Style flavored pretzel pieces. Now, before you click the link, what do you think they taste like? I will tell you that I did not read the label before trying them. I couldn't imagine what they would taste like. The anticipation was killing me.
The first thing that struck me was the brilliant idea to take broken pretzels and turn them into a product. That is brilliant. The taste started with a strong rye flavor. Ah, I get it, deli -> rye bread. Sure. Then mustard. Hmm. That's a bit odd. Mustard on rye? Something else too that I couldn't quite finger. I ate a few more. Man, I swear I'm getting a corned beef flavor but that would be crazy. So I read the bag:

"[...]if you like the taste of a real, deli-made corned beef on rye with Swiss cheese, you'll love our bite-size New York Deli Style Pieces!"
Now if I combine these with those pickle chips and someone comes out with a Dr. Brown's Tortilla chip I'll be set.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Yogahurt

Some of the cereal I got recently came with a "yaga sampler" DVD. Last night I decided to give it a try.
The DVD comes with four 10 minute samples: Beginners, for fitness, for athletes and one other I can't recall. I decided to go for the beginner one.
The first couple minutes were an introduction about yoga. Then we sat cross legged (not that yoga cross legged way, where you stick your heals in your stomach). Already I had a problem as I was not flexible enough to be comfortable. We breathed very slowly and stretched our spine and neck as high as we could. Then we laid on our backs and breathed and streched our spine and neck as far as we could. Next, pull one knee to the chest and breathe some more. Then the other leg. Breathe. Now sit on your heals. (Ow, my knees hurt.) "If your knees hurt put a blanket or pillow on your heals." Well, the blankets and pillows were to far away to grab so I just toughed it out. "Now place your forehead on the ground, hand out in front." Surprisingly I had no problem doing that.
So, I'm kneeling with my face on the floor waiting for the next instruction. Waiting. And waiting. Should I be breathing? Did the instructor stop breathing? I sneak a peek. I guess my 10 minute sample had ended. That went pretty well, so I decided to try out the fitness section.

Mountain pose. Namaste. Swan dive. Exhale. Power pose. Downward dog. Slide through to Upward dog. Power pose. Mountain. Namaste. Swan dive. WTF is going on?
So I watched and tried to copy what the guy was doing. My biggest problems were: touching my toes with my knees straight (but by the end I could, woohoo), breathing as slowly as they wanted and, of course, not being able to see if I was doing anything even close to what was called for.

If I strip out the spiritual stuff, I enjoy yoga as much as yogurt, and that's pretty good.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

It's a Miracle

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, count yourself as unblessed if were not on yesterday's Air France "Miracle" flight 358 from Paris to Canada. Where were you? Were you driving home from work? Did you wreck your car but emerge alive? No? HEATHEN! Just like me.
Well, I plan to do something about it and you should too. Tonight, get in your car and drive as fast as you can then ram into something, like another car, or a school bus or better yet just some kids. Don't worry, if they are up to date on their prayers there will certainly be a miracle and they'll live. If not, the world is a better place without them, right?

And people think Muslim extremists are the problem....

Friday, July 29, 2005

Say What?

Here's the quote:

"She's got a wide esophogus and she works with it to increase that quantity."
Care to guess where it's from? Porn? Ooooh, so close. It was actually a description of the technique used by Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas during the Spaghetti Bolognese round of the US Open of Competitive Eating.

They had 14 minutes to eat as much as possible (duh). How much do you think they ate? I don't want to ruin it for you but the record of 8+ lbs. fell. If you want to know by how much highlight this: Almost 14 pounds!

I recommend watching ony to those with a strong stomach!

Rice Maker, Rice Maker, Make Me Some Rice

For those looking for a rice maker, Amazon has the one I got on today's Friday Sale. (Hope those links work.)

Friday, July 22, 2005

Cows Hate DST

According to some senators, farmers complained that a two-month extension could adversely affect livestock[...]
Can't the cows just opt-out of DST, like Arizona does?

More Cleaning Crew News

This was pointed out to me by a co-worker some time ago but it has gotten to the point of ridiculousness now.
The cleaning crew will clean the closest bathroom twice a day. The first is just before lunch and only takes 15 minutes or so. The second now starts around 4pm, stretches on so long that the cleaning crew leave for dinner(!) and finally finish up at some unknown time because everyone has left the building by then. If the close bathroom is closed, there is one a few hundred feet down the hall, which is normally cleaned at the same time as the close one. The next bathroom is at the end of the hall, next to the parking lot. If you're going to walk that far, you might as well just go home. So "Thanks cleaning crew" for giving me an early start to my weekend.

Take THAT Chair Mover!

Here's an update on the previous post.

Yesterday, I disconnected the cable that allows the keyboard height to be adjusted and also shove wads of paper into the armrest adjustment levers (so they can't move). You want war? I'll give you war!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Who Moved My Chair?

This is ridiculoous. Two or three times a week, I arrive at my work hole to find:

  • My keyboard height adjusted to maximum height
  • My chair armrests adjusted to minimum height
This has been going on for a few weeks now, ever since a new cleaning crew started. After a week, I put up a sign that said
Por favor, no toque la silla ni el escritorio. Gracias.
Please do not adjust desk or chair. Thank you.
That worked for 2 days.

Next I tried moving my garbage cans out from under my desk thinking they were doing all the adjusting because the chair was "in the way" of emptying the garbage.

That worked for 3 days and this morning, desk at max, chair arms at min.

Personally, I think this is just management's way of getting people to work late. (I should note that managers have their chairs and desks safely locked away in their office.)

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

The Natives Are Getting Restless

It has been pointed out to me by an avid reader that it has now been a week without a new post. So here are the interesting things happening at the moment.

Last night was my monthly travel group meeting. In addition to myself and the two usual women there was a third woman there also. There was actually some talk of organizing a group trip. We'll see next month if anything comes of it.

Other things sucking up time are:

  • CoH, where I recently made this character, just to see how ridiculous you could make a character. Notice that her breasts are the size of her head but she wears a veil out of modesty.
  • and a little Sudoku (but only the Evil stuff).

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Just Another Day

A co-worker was describing a problem they had been working on.

CW: [...]That's all fine until a link goes down on you.
me: Well, I've never had a link go down on me.
CW: What? You've never had your cable pulled?

And there was much laughter.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Denied

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I was deferred from giving blood. I've given somewhere between 8 and 9 gallons (yes, gallons!) over my lifetime and never been deferred. But yesterday my blood pressure was 86/54 and they won't take it if they get a reading below 90. She checked my other arm (although once she got the first reading it didn't matter) and I was able to get it up to 94/56 by thinking stressful thoughts (but that's hard when you're B-positive, get it?). Oh well, now I know for next time.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Sit Rover Sit, Bad Boy

This is the end of the line for Karl Rove. First, I expect them to try to weasel out of the whole mess but that that won't fly. Meanwhile, watch for Bush to distance himself from this whole fiasco. On the other side, the Democrats will wave this thing around like a stained blue dress for way too long.

Friday, July 01, 2005

No, No, No. You All Sound Perfectly Sane

*blink*blink*blink*

I can't decide if this is funny. Or stupid. Or so stupid it's funny.

And Speaking of E-Mail

I (and many others) received an e-mail this morning from the IT people.

Users on Exchange server [BLAHBLAH] are unable to access their email.
Followed by this one:
The problems with Exchange Server [BLAHBLAH] are now resolved.
Yes, we only hire the best and brightest here!

You Call That a Spam Filter

I received an e-mail this morning that cleverly got past the Yahoo! spam filters by using the subject line:

New Penis Enlargement Patches!
What will they think of next?

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

My Blog's Been TeePee'd

I don't think I've relayed this story before, at least not on on my blog.

One day back in college, my roommate told me he had run out of toilet paper and asked to borrow a roll of mine. Of course, I gave him a roll. Now I'm a Charmin man. Toilet paper is one of those areas where I do not skimp. Charmin has 200 sheets per roll.* My roommate, Dave, was a Scott's man. Scotts has 1000 sheets per roll. He took my roll of Charmin and went off.

The next day (I kid you not), Dave asked me if he could borrow another roll of toilet paper. I was nonplussed. "I just gave you a roll!" He replied, "That was yesterday and there are hardly any sheets on those rolls." "How much toilet paper do you use?" I asked.
Let me pause here. In case you don't know, both myself and my roommate were studying engineering at the time.
He retorted, " How much do you use?" I informed him that I bought a 4 pack at the start of the school year, one was on the roller, two were under the sink and the fourth one was given to him the day before. Clearly, we were on opposite ends of TP use spectrum. I gave him another roll.

A little later in the day, Dave came down stairs and announced, "Eleven miles!"
Me: "Huh?"
Dave: "I use 11 miles of toilet paper a year"
Me: "Eleven Miles!!!"

Dave then gave me the breakdown, 365 days * # movements/day * number of wipes * number of sheets per wiping bouquet * number of inches/sheet * miles per inch = 11 miles. Wow, that seemed like a lot so I figured out my usage. I actually remember my numbers. 4 sheets/bouquet * 3 wipes * once/day * 365 days * 4 inches/sheet / 12"/ft. / 5280 ft./mi. ~= 1/4 mile!
Dave: "A quarter mile! NO way!"

So there you have it. My roommate (who went out that very same day and bought a big pack of Scotts) used 44 times more toilet paper than me. Although we tried, we could not convince either of our female roommates to figure out their usage but, then again, they were not engineers.

* - OK, this is kind of a rant. I think back in college, Charmin had either 220 or 240 sheets per roll, but I could be mistaken. However, at the store the other day I noticed that they have now reduced the roll to 180 sheets. Fortunately they still had some old 200/roll stock left which and I'm pretty well stocked up.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Hey! You Can't Go in There!

Driving home yesterday I was on a one-way street, waiting at a red light. It's a four-way intersection and all the other directions are two-way streets. I'm in the right lane waiting to go straight and no one is in the left turn lane next to me. A pick-up truck coming from the street on the right paused in the intersection in front of me. The guy driving was talking on his cell phone. Before I could think "What the hell?" he turned left and drove past me going the wrong way on a one-way street. In the process, he missed 2 of those left-turn-bar signs, a "one way" sign pointing the other way and a "do not enter" sign. I watched in my rear view mirror until he got to a point in the street where someone was parked (on his side) and there was no room for him to continue...so he started backing up. At least now he was going the right direction.

And, checking Blogger's new image capability, here's a character seen the other day in CoH that cracked me up. Wish I could remember the name.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Murderball

Heard this story on the way home yesterday. It's about Murderball, aka Quad Rugby.

Participants in the sport must have a combination of upper- and lower-body impairment. They compete in specially outfitted wheelchairs on a basketball court in four, eight-minute quarters.
I have a friend who is a quadrapalegic but he does not play, as far as I know. Watch out James Caan!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Unplugged

I just saw this commercial on TV. A man and a woman in a rowboat on a lake. They are talking about something (I wasn't really paying attention) when the woman points out that there is a hole in the bottom of the boat and it is leaking. The guy says something along the lines of "No problem, I can handle it." While he looks for something to plug the leak, the woman takes a tampon out of her purse, inserts it in the hole (removing the applicator and leaving the strings dangling for easy removal later, I guess) and stops the leak. Then it goes to the tag line about Tampax Pearl something or other.

Now, I realize that this commercial is not targeted at me but is comparing a woman's period to a leaky boat a good idea? What is the message they are trying to send? Is it like the old Secret deodorant commercials and they're saying "Strong enough for a boat...but made for a woman!"

Friday, June 17, 2005

Please Don't Make Me Watch This Again

On the flight back from Ireland, Continental runs five (they say six but one is "Continental Vision") video channels. Here's what we were supposed to get:
Furst Feature:

  1. Assault on Precinct 13
  2. Elektra
  3. Let the Church Say Amen
  4. Sideways
  5. Toys in the Attic
Second feature:
  1. Constantine
  2. Sideways
  3. The Practice (TV)
  4. Maid in Manhattan
  5. How to Steal a Million


My thinking went like this: I heard Elektra was terrible, not terribly interested in the church movie, just saw Sideways (really liked it, too) and wasn't interested in the 1963 movie, so Assualt it was and, it was fine as far as having something to do while being locked in an aluminum can 36,ooo ft. above the ocean.

After that I picked Constantine but Assault came back up on that channel. I flipped around and saw that all the channels were showing the first feature again. They had mistakenly rewound the tape(s). Uhg. I guess I'll watch Elektra.

Well, even with the whole 36,000 ft. and everything this movie is barely tolerable. I'm watching it and about an hour and a half in they interrupt the movie to show a video of how to fill in your customs form. That took so long that apparently the movie tape stopped (if it's a VCR then it would automatically stop after a couple minutes on pause). The customs tape ended but the movies didn't start back up. After a few minutes someone asked and the flight attendant went to check on things. And then things started back up...from the beginning of the tape. A check of the time showed there might be time to fit in a whole movie but probably not. As bad as Elektra was I would've liked to have seen the end. I could watch it again and hope it made it through or watch something else that I wanted to see even less and risk not seeing the end of it either.

Fear and loathing at 36,000 ft as I started to watch Elektra again. It was about 5 minutes short of where it had left off last time when the call went out for seat belts, tray tables and upright positions.

Beware (not that anyone _should_ care) spoiler below:

So the point I got up to was where Elektra was in the camp with the blind guy. I asked a friend how it ended and got the "She kills all the bad guys" response, which, in actuality, is probably more exciting than the movie itself. I just can't "waste" a Netflix on this thing. If anyone can fill in more details on the end, please feel free to do so.

P.S. Yes, the idea of leaving a partial summary of the ending and then cutting it off is very funny but someone already thought it up. :)