Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Katzenberg Says Mobile Viewers Will Pay by ‘Inch’

Of course, porn already does this.

What WIll It Take To Kill This Story?

Eunice Shriver, founder of the Special Olympics and sister of JFK, is dead at the age of...WAIT! Breaking news! I've just received word that Michael Jackson is still dead. Yes, a month after dying, Jacko is still flat on his backo.

And now back to our regular story: Where is Michael Jackson's brain?

Better Than A Bud Light From The Mini-Fridge

Thanks to Lianablog I now know my NPR name is Ejay Altenahr. (EE-jay AHL-ten-ahr)

As she explains:

You take your middle initial and insert it somewhere into your first name. Then you add on the smallest foreign town you’ve ever visited.

Actually, there are probably smaller towns I've visited but Altenahr (pop. ~1000) is small enough and sounds pretty good.

Thank you for tuning in. I'm Ejay Altenahr reporting from Bumf*ck, Egypt.

All The News That Fits In A Box

I Thought I Saw A Unicorn But I Was Upside-Down

I saw the headline "Obama's three-legged economy rescue" and I immediately thought "How is John Holmes is going to fix the economy?"

I don't know what the article said as I assumed it was Not Safe For Work.

I do like that Wikipedia clarifies that I'm linking to John Holmes-Actor (I think "actor" is being very polite) as opposed to John Holmes-Poet or Diplomat or Mercenary.

Wrong Way On A One Way Herbstreet

I've been having an argument with Herb Kirkstreet about who is the best tenor: Pavarotti, Domingo or Carreras?

We both agree that head-to-head, Pavarotti is better than Carreras, Carreras is better than Domingo and Domingo is better than Pavarotti. When forced to rank all three, I put them:

1. Pavarotti
2. Domingo
3. Carreras

But Dirk Birdbeak disagrees. He insists that since Domingo is better than Pavarotti, Domingo must be rated higher. He says it "is only logical."

When I questioned whether Dork Nerdstink understood the meaning of the word "logical", he seemed to get upset. He stood and I saw something that looked like a rat running down his pant leg. He grabbed for the rat, which turned out to be a gun, and accidentally shot himself in the leg.

Spreading The News

Breaking News:
Bozo the Clown is not John McCain's Vice Presidential pick. This is confirmed by two of my sources: Kamans Ents and Hooda F. Kairs.

And now for the important stuff, CNN has an article with eight bad reasons to have sex. In the interest of balance, here is the view from a possible hookie.
Revenge - "Hooking up with his best friend because you're angry at your boyfriend will get you nowhere." Until my friends get better taste in women, there's nothing to worry about here.
Ego Gratification - "You must be fine if that scorching hot bartender took you home." Wow, that would take some heavy duty beer goggles!
Appliance Envy - I'll crank the AC down to 72 and then we can heat things up with my 52 incher!
Weight Loss - "a 120-pound woman burns only 57 calories during 15 minutes of sex." That's the same number of calories as a dead fish. Try being a little more active.
Clarity - Apparently, you are actually a lesbian but unwilling to admit it. Maybe that's why you only burn 57 calories during sex.
Mercy - "Misery loves company -- good luck getting him out of your apartment." That's why you should go to his place.
Quid Pro Quo - "Just because he bought you a lobster doesn't mean you need to give up dessert." If you never buy dinner, then it is quid pro quo.
Fame by Association - "fame is not transmissible through intimate contact." perhaps you can raise your self esteem enough to move into the quid pro quo group.

Do It Live!

If you haven't seen it yet, here is Bill O'Reilly's Inside Edition Freakout (language not safe for work)



And here is the Steven Colbert response.

Myth: If It's On CNN It Must Be Correct

This article is entitled 6 Gas Saving Myths. I'll give kudos to the author for correcting some popular misconceptions but some of what he says is just wrong. Let's take a look.

#1. Fill your tank in the morning

Yep, this one is pure crap. The idea is that gas is colder in the morning and therefore more dense so you get more for your money which would be true if the temperature in the underground tank actually varied more than insignificantly during the day.

The best you can do is avoid filling up on hot days while or just after a tanker has unloaded it warm fuel.

#2. Change your air filter

I agree. On modern cars this is total crap.

#3. Use premium fuel

Again, agreed. If you car will run on regular, your just wasting money with premium.

#4. Pump up your tires

Uhm, let me come back to this one.

#5. To A/C or not A/C

Really the question is A/C vs. open windows. As he even states himself, turning of the A/C but not opening the windows will save you gas. It's just a question of comfort. (I'll take comfort, thanks.)

#6. Bolt-ons and pour-ins

Very good explanation here. These are all bull. The only alternative is a conspiracy of all gas and/or car producers. Anyone that believes that should have their tires slashed with Occam's Razor.

So, back to #4. Here's what the author says:

According to on-the-road driving tests by both Consumer Reports and auto information site Edmunds.com, underinflated tires reduce fuel economy, so proper inflation is key.

But you should never over-inflate your tires. They'll get you slightly better fuel economy because there will be less tread touching the road, reducing friction. But that means less grip for braking and turning. The added risk of a crash isn't worth the extra mile a gallon you might gain.

My first issue is that he is clearly stating (correctly) that increasing your tire pressure will improve mileage even though the "myth" is that pumping up your tires won't increase your mileage. WTF?

But let's say that his point is simply that it's not worth the risk because you have less traction. That would be a great point if it wasn't wrong.

Pumping up your tires decrease the rolling friction of your tires, not the gripping friction (traction). Here's the introductory physics that show this. Suppose your car weighs 3600# and your tires are inflated to 30psi. For simplicity, assume ideal tires. you therefore have 3600/30 (pounds/pounds/inch^2) = 120 inch^2 of tire contacting the road. Each square inch supports 30 lbs.

If you pump the tires up to 40psi then you'd now have only 3600/40 = 90 inch^2 of tire contacting the road but each square inch supports 40 lbs! Your overall amount of traction remains the same!

OK. Physics lesson over. The downsides to pumping up your tires are: harder ride, louder ride. If you pump them over the safe limit then you have safety issues. Don't do that! Also, underinflated tires increase rolling friction which could overheat your tires causing them to fail. Don't do that either!

I was hoping to have some data on my experiment with higher tire pressures but I want to wait until I get down to half a tank before filling back up and that is taking much longer than usual.

White Girl Rapes Black Man

Non-news event of the day: Clinton wins PA! Who saw that coming?????

While waiting for polls to close so they could announce this, I got to see some of the worst and most ridiculous crap that was being passed off as news ever.

Foremost was Jack Cafferty making the incorrect and self-unsupporting statement along the lines of "the current administration has run up more debt than all previous administrations combined; the debt was 5 trillion when Bush entered office and it's 9 trillion now." C'mon! That's first grade math.

Then there's all the "analysis" (emphasis on "anal") which is by Clinton and Obama supporters who continuously ignore all facts to plug the message du jour.

But maybe my favorite is people talking about the delegates and whether the super-delegates will thwart the will of the people. What the f*ck are they talking about? If you are a Democrat, do you not understand how they pick their Presidential nominee? I assume that a Democrat is either willing to live with the rules as they are or an idiot.

Last, here's my prediction. Obama wins the nomination, makes nicey-nice with Clinton and the Dems end up with "the Dream Ticket" Obama/Clinton which appeals to both blacks and women.

McCain then pick Condoleeza Rice as running mate and the Republicans win in November and I have to listen to Alan complain about McCain for the next 4 years.

SuckerBowl

One decent commercial so far. The one for Pepsi with the deaf people.

What's with the voting crap? Is that some kind of play on "Patriots"?

Oh, even more, now they're reciting the Declaration and chastising me for not knowing it! If it was important, someone would have put it to music and played it on TV on Saturday mornings.

Wait! The best part is they followed the D of I very closely with a tourism ad for Canada!

Hey! You wanna get high? Just take some drugs from your parents medicine cabinet!

There can be only ONE American Idol! Or seven. But who's counting?

Tom! Show us you t*ts!

Stewie vs. Underdog, that was decent.

"A lot of sweat goes into every bottle." Nice.

A man attaches jumper cables to his nipples. At the bottom of the screen it says "Do Not Attempt". Please send pics if you ignore the warning.

Touchdown by Not The Patriots! I want to trademark "Biggest Choke Ever!"

And that's everything you need to know about Bill Bellyache. Not even on the field for the end of the game. Weanie.

The Daily Suckfest?

Did anybody watch The Daily Show last night? The whole thing?

I sure didn't. Holy crap! What a craptastic crapfest.

Jon. Let me explain something to you. People watch your show because it is (well, it was) funny. Nobody gives a crap what you think. Sorry to hurt your feelings but that's the way it is. No funny, no watchy.

If you want to keep your job, find a way to be funny...and fast. Stop being a holier-than-thou dick.

Or the Miracle of Nielsen will have you looking for a new job.

My Monkey Towers Above All!

As you may remember, I shot my monkey onto the steps of my apartment and predicted 10 hurricanes this season and, amazingly, this was correct!

There were 6 Atlantic hurricanes and 4 Pacific hurricanes. Who would have thought that playing with my monkey could reap such rewards! It's even better at predictions than my Magic 2-Ball.

Breaking News: Bunny Ranch Buys CNBC

Isn't $80 kinda expensive, even for Sharon Epperson? Any of my readers keep up on the price of these things?

Now You Too Can Play With My Monkey

Here's an update for those of you wondering who, if anyone, is beating my monkey.

So far, it has been a tame year for hurricanes in the Atlantic. Because of this, both the NOAA and William Gray of Colorado State have lowered their predictions for the number of hurricanes this year to nine and eight storms, respectively. Apparently, the NOAA and Gray feel that predicting hurricanes is equivalent to Microsoft's "Estimated time to download" applet that bounces between 4 hours and 3 hours and never actually ticks down the seconds. It might as well say "Random amount of time".

I thought, if these guys can change their predictions than maybe I should play with my monkey again and see what he spits out. Alas, I was too tired yesterday to shoot my monkey on the stairs. So, tonight when I get home, I'll grab my monkey and see if we have a new prediction.

If anyone else would like to use my monkey for a prediction. Please send you name, question and topless photo to monkey at talljay (dotcom of course).

How Many More Pets Need To Die To Get This Off The Front Page?

Here's a quick update on the top news stories today:

There were warning signs in the Virginia Tech shootings. Also, the "Beautiful, clever [and] talented" victims were honored. No word on the other victims. And, importantly, it is reported that the killer was "angry with rich kids" so if you're a kid, give away your money or grow up quickly. If you're a parent of a rich kid you can possibly save your child's life by reducing their allowance.

In the non-news section, some more people were killed in various places but they weren't American college students so who cares.

The only other important news story is:
If you're having trouble with your BlackBerry, you're not alone. The problem is limited to only those customers in the Western Hemisphere. If you rely on your BlackBerry for your livelihood, this situation is affectionately known as a RIM Job.

virginia tech

Can You Beat My Monkey?

The new phone book is here! The new phone book is here!

Actually, it's not that exciting. It's the new hurricane prediction from CSU. William Gray (noted hurricane predicter) is predicting nine, yes NINE, hurricanes this season.

Much of the news coverage of this "event" has changed this slightly, announcing there will be nine hurricanes this season. Even better is when they imply that the US will be hit with nine hurricanes this season. Nothing better than a little FUD to get those ratings up.

If you are wondering how accurate these forecasts are (as I did) the AP has provided a helpful graph showing that over the last 6 years, the forecasts are basically useless. Why does the news even cover this guy? How much worse do his forecasts have to get for before he is ignored by the media? A monkey could do better.

And to prove it, I took my Superfly Screaming Woot Monkey and shot him up my stairs. He landed on the 10th stair and so clearly:

My monkey predicts 10 hurricanes this season.

How many years does my monkey have to beat Mr. Gray before the media will cover my monkey?

My monkey predicts...TEN YEARS!

Check Out Ann's Ugly Crack

Normally, a person who is a member of a group is allowed to use slurs that would be considered offensive to that group (and that group only). Only black people can use the n-word. Jews can use the k-word. Handicapped people can use the c-word. Only women can use the other c-word. Only Italians can use the d- or w- words. And only Albanians can use (or pronounce) the sh-word.

Some categories are not so clear. For example, can Ann Coulter us the f-word? Not the f-word, the other f-word. The pork of f-words, so to speak. Now, it's true that I didn't realize Jaye Davidson's character in The Crying Game was a transvestite until he dropped trow, so maybe I'm not the best judge. But check out that Adam's Apple! Tranny or no, she needs a chondrolaryngoplasty.

Editing For Dummies

Editor: There's a problem with your story.
Writer: What's the problem?
E: You only have three "highlight" bullets, our policy is four per story.
W: Well, I already had to stretch for those three. Can't we go with that?
E: No. Rules from the top. You need a fourth bullet.
W: How about the bullet that killed the doctor? Does that count?
E: Don't be a wise-ass. Now get me that fourth bullet!
W: Sagga-fragga-brigga...

Try to guess which one it was.

• Slaying not premeditated, suspect says while defending self at trial
• Doctor killed while preparing snack inside New York home
• Suspect says he was only trying to wound doctor
• Defendant imprisoned on state murder conviction

And just in case they change the story, here's a screen shot.