If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Jump! Jump! Jump!

The video you've all been waiting for! I had to cut out a bunch to make it small enough to upload.

Some background:

  • At the time I did this I disliked flying, had a fear of heights and suffered from horrible motion sickness.
  • Notice the difference in demeanor between my friend Sharon and myself. I am _not_ doing this for fun.
  • When the door opens, you can actually see my higher brain function shut off completely.
  • During the "training" they make it very clear that you should not touch the door frame. That is only for your jump master. It's not as easy as it sounds.
  • Watch closely. As soon as we leave the plane, my brain function kicks back on and pure terror takes over.
  • You can see me saying (mouthing) "Oh my God!" as I approach the camera. After that I remember thinking my mouth was getting dry (probably from the 120mph wind blowing into it) and then I actually had a couple seconds of enjoyment (or relief that I wasn't dead, same difference).

video

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

For Some, Every Operation Involves A Natural Orifice

I basically don't watch the "news" nor read any stories that clearly aren't news. Basically. And by that I mean I make some exceptions for potential blog fodder. Today, CNN had a story with the link: Doctors use orifices for weight-loss operations. That seemed like fertile ground.

Well, despite lots of talk about vaginae and mouths and rectums and penises, nothing really caught my eye until this:

Two groups, the American Society for Gastrointestinal Endoscopy and Society of American Gastrointestinal and Endoscopic Surgeons, formed a research group to consider issues and exchange information about natural orifice surgeries. The group is called the Natural Orifice Surgery Consortium for Assessment and Research, also known as NOSCAR.
Coming on the heels of this weekend's Daytona 500, all I could think of was some hillbilly doctor yelling "Boogity, boogity, boogity. Let's go Operating Boys!"

If that makes no sense, watch the first 30 or 40 seconds of the race video.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

It's The End Of The...Mmm, That's Tastey

The bill passed Friday...

...aimed at combating the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s...

President Obama will sign the newly passed $787 billion economic stimulus package on Tuesday...

Wow! Things are so bad he's only going to wait four days to sign the bill! I mean, they tell us that we are barreling towards the next Great Depression, spend three weeks farting around then pass a bill with little in it that could pass for "stimulus" and so what's a few more days of crisis, right?

Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: Because he can.

Q: Why do politicians run for office?
A: Because they can't lick themselves.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Dummies Guide To Being An Idiot

It's 9:30. I'm in bed with a cold.

Ding-dong.

WTF? Who would be ringing my doorbell? I peek out the window and don't see a car. That pretty much rules out a friend just dropping by or the maintenance guy. Probably wrong house or someone left some mail on my doorstep. I go back to bed.

Ding-dong.

Are you kidding me? Are you f'ing kidding me? It's Saturday morning. It's 30 degrees outside. What kind of f'ing idiot keeps ringing my doorbell?!

"Hi! We're from the church of..."

SLAM!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Trebuchets Can Carry On

I'm going to be flying AirBerlin in a few months. I checked their baggage policy and came across this:

The following articles may only be carried in checked baggage:

  • Cutlery
  • Razor blades
  • Toy guns and commercially available toys that could be used as a weapon
  • Catapults
  • Sports rackets and other sports and leisure equipment that could be used as a weapon
  • Knitting needles

Just thinking what the airlines did the last time I checked my catapult... Never again. Never ever again.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Replacement Heads...Now I Get It!

Probably not safe for work...

Eww..hahahah...eww.

Here's some others:
Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

Today, I went to get my school picture taken, when the photographer looked at me, saying, "You look like you need a mirror." FML

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

Did You Match The Carpet To The Drapes?

Person #1: Hi!
Person #2: Oh, hi!
P1 : Wow, you look good!
P2: Thanks.
P1: Yeah, nobody could tell you just had a baby.
P2: Yeah...
P1: You really look good.
P2: Mmhmm...
P1: Your hair looks so nice like that...
P2: Yeah, I just got it cut.
P1: It looks great!

That's all I heard.

Obviously, Person #2 is a woman (just had a baby). If Person #1 is a woman, this conversation is a nice compliment. If Person #1 is a man, this conversation is sexual harassment.

Just sayin'...

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Don't Be A C.T.

Ever since I read about the Canadian ruling that people disabled by obesity are entitled to free second seat on airplanes I've been waiting for a similar lawsuit from those of us who are so tall that sitting in a regular seat could actually cause us to become disabled. But until that day I'll just do my best to get those exit row and bulkhead seats.

For my flight down to Florida, I checked in online and had the choice of either a middle exit-row seat that did not recline (because of another exit row behind it) or a middle bulkhead seat across from the flight attendants (meaning 8 feet of leg room). Since the flight looked pretty full I was a little concerned that if I chose the bulkhead seat there would be no overhead space left for my bag. And, with no seat in front of it, there's also the issue of where to put my briefcase. In the end, I could not resist the siren song of the goddess Legroom. I took seat 8B.

First on the plane, rows 1-6, First Class. Next is "those needing a little more time or traveling with small children". That's about a third of the plane right there. Then comes "Elite" frequent travelers and finally they start the rows: 40 and higher...35 and higher...

By the time they get to me, "now boarding all rows" there are only about eight of us left. While waiting on the Jetway, one of the crew walks by with a fistful of the dreaded "gate check" tags. Not a good sign.

I board already knowing there is no room for my bag but just then one of the flight attendants leans over the man in 8C and says "You've been upgraded to First Class." As he starts to move forward the FA asks if he has a bag. He opens the compartment above him and removes a bag and coat and before he's even move the four steps to First Class I've shoved my bags in the space he left and taken his aisle seat to boot. The guy behind me steps on the plane and is informed there is no more room and they'll have to gate check his bag.

For dinner we were served the usual Continental meal: turkey sandwich, chips and chocolate. Same as the meal I had coming back home. The micro-turkey sandwich is one or two slices of turkey and a quarter leaf of iceberg lettuce on a 2"x2" or 2"x3" roll. The chips were a 3/4 ounce bag of Fritos. The chocolate was a Halloween "Fun size" Kit Kat bar.

Who the heck named that "Fun size" anyway? Didn't they ever see Willy Wonka? "Fun" is eating as much candy as you possibly can...Augustus Gloop-style. This bar is more of a tease-a Choc Tease! Naughty bar.

Oooh, that was a long journey for that joke. Anyway, don't mistake all this for a complaint; it's just documentation. As far as air travel goes, my bar for complaining is now set so that if we land on land then I'm not complaining.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

My Balls Disappeared And I Don't Take Steroids

Yesterday was flogging day. Flogging is when you go to a park like setting to and make wishes while you knock wishing spheres into the wishing ponds. It is exactly the opposite of golfing.

I made lots of wishes. All of them the same. "I wish this sphere would not go into the wishing pond!" Problem is, if it goes in then it can't come true but it can't come true if it doesn't go in. The flogging Catch-22.

The plan is to go out again on Friday. I will try a new wish. "I wish that this is the last sphere that goes into a pond!"

I wonder how many times I'll make that wish?

Maybe there's some karma here. When I first arrived in Flogida, my dad, avid bargain hunter, came over with a bag and said, "Look at this." It was filled with golf balls. "On clearance, six for $1.54! I bought all they had, 60 balls."

Is that some kind of challenge?

Monday, February 02, 2009

Say Goodnight, Gracie

"Well, there's all those monsters."

"What monsters?"

"You know, the Abominable Snowman, the Loch Ness Monster and the other one; the one with the big feet."

"Uhm, Bigfoot?"

"Yes, that's the one."