If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Tax Cut BS

Yet again today there was some guy on the TV ranting on and on about how tax cuts will raise tax revenue.

Now, let me say, I don't know if taxes were cut a little if revenues would go up or down. Nobody does. Hear that? NOBODY DOES. Here's what I do know: if taxes are cut to ZERO, tax revenues will go down. Period. End of story. Now you might argue that if income taxes are cut to zero then they believe sales tax revenue would go up but that is NOT what these people are saying. If that is what they mean then frickin' say it!

And for goodness sake, don't take this to mean I wouldn't welcome lower taxes. I'm just pointing out more political BS.

Potpourri for 500, Alex

Hmmm, maybe this restaurant would do better serving Pol Pot Roast!

How about ski jumping in the streets of San Francisco?

Oy Gevalt! I can't believe they put up this sign.

Hey Onion!

Well, I've tried for a couple days to write something based on this idea but I can't get anywhere so I'll put it out for anyone that wants to use it.

The idea was that the lack of government response to the Hurricane Katrina (being a so-called "act of God) disaster could be blamed on the First Amendment's separation of church and state (or "activist judges" interpretation of same). Seems like there could be a funny story written on this premise...just not by me.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Tempting Fate

No, this is not another anti-religion diatribe. I was in Target on Monday and they had their Halloween stuff out (it has actually been out for a couple weeks, right after the back to schoool stuff disappeared). This got me thinking about how much candy I'll need for Halloween. I don't see many kids in the neighborhood but there are some nearby that wait for buses in the morning. So, against better judgement I picked up some candy so I got the 70. oz. Nestle assortment (Crunch, 100 Grand, Baby Ruth and Butterfinger).

I could hide the candy so as not to be tempted but that would indicate weakness. No. No. I will keep the candy on the baker's rack right next to where I perform the (queue Tchaikovsky) Dance of the Mixing Cereals. So far, so good but it's only been 3 days. I think I'll be OK. The real test will be after Halloween when I've only given away 6 pieces of candy and have 99 left. Then I'll buckle and have to bring it in to work to get rid of it.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Work Thong

Warning! This link is only for those with a strong stomach.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Bush Addressing Low Approval Ratings

Princeton, NJ - With President Bush's approval ratings slipping to all time lows, the White House has announced a two part plan to get Bush's numbers "back in the black"

Part one deals with a massive publicity campaign with Bush giving motivational speeches.
"People need to believe in their President, uh, specially [sic] in times that, uh, test their beliefs and their wallets" said Bush in another unintelligible sentence. He also added, "[To address the gas shortages, people, ] if they're able to maybe not drive on a trip that's not essential, that would be helpful." Republicans immediately pointed the "strong leadship" of such a statement.

Part two, the White House, in an unprecedented move, is buying the Gallup Organization. Press Secretary Scott McClellan decried the current "liberal bias" in the polling business, noting that "The Gallup Organization is located in one of the most towns [Princeton] in one of the most liberal states [New Jersey] in the nation...if not the world." Asked whether that meant that they would be moving the Gallup headquarters, he responded "We are looking for a more central and politically neutral location, such as Oglesby, Texas."

Sunday, September 25, 2005

What Do Yuz Want On That?

Visited my friend Marc in Pittsburgh this weekend. My only request was to visit Primanti's for a sandwich while I was there. Primanti's is famous (actually they say "Almost Famous") not exactly for their sandwiches but for what they put on them. Every sandwich comes standard with tomato, coleslaw and french fries. Yes, blazing hot, straight from the oil, french fries.

I decided on the corned beef & cheese while Marc had the cheese steak ("It's not a Philly cheesesteak, it's really more of a hamburger"). Mine was good and certainly unique I really wanted to put ketchup on it...but not with the corned beef. (I will note that Marc did not put ketchup on his.) Next time I'm there I'll get something with the plan to add ketchup.

No trip to Marc's would be complete without some woodworking. We made this balance wine holder from what was supposed to be a flower holder (set it on edge, drill three holes in top edge and add test tubes to hold flowers) but was not tall enough.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

A Fluff Piece

There are two things that I find very funny/odd about this whole Lance Armstrong doping thing.

First, the head (no pun intended) of the World Anti-Doping Agency is Dick Pound. How do you go through life with that name?

Second, this quote "six of Armstrong's frozen urine samples from 1999" would indicate that there is, perhaps, a viable business to be made freezing and storing pee.

Headline from the Future - 2120 - Clone made from DNA frozen in urine in 1999 beats clone from 2003 urine to win Tour Du France.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The Magic Flute, Carmen and Aida

It may be a last gasp, it may be a brilliant marketing idea (ha!), who knows, but if you are into the alternative lifestyle* then you can now go to the Opera for free**.

* - as in Internet browsing
** - free of ads and cost

Friday, September 16, 2005

Who's Doing What To Whom and How Often?

I'm posting this late on Friday in the hopes of avoiding problems for people at work.

A new report on the sexual behavior of people in the US was recently released. They decided to highlight things like (my bold)

In response to a question that asked, “Do you think of yourself as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or something else?” 90 percent of men 18-44 years of age responded that they think of themselves as heterosexual, 2.3 percent of men answered homosexual, 1.8 percent bisexual, 3.9 percent “something else,” and 1.8 percent did not answer the question (figure 8). Percents for women were similar.
Aside from this question, I wasn't too thrilled with what they considered "highlights". After reading through the report myself, I'd like to point out what I consider the highlights:

Virginity vs. Education
There is a small correlation between men who have had no sexual contact with women and education level. The percent of men (age 15-44) without high school diploma or GED who have had no sexual contact with women is 3.1%. Same for men with GED or high school diploma. It rises slightly to 3.3% for those with some college but not bachelor's degree. It tops out at 3.9% for those with a bachelor's or higher.
For women (15-44), the percent who have had no sexual contact with a man was: 1.7% for those with no high school diploma or GED, 1.0% for those with high school diploma or GED, 1.9% for those with some college but no bachelor's and 3.5% for those with a bachelor's or higher.

So, generally, more education -> less likely to have sexual contact with opposite sex. Interestingly, (see Table 9 in the report) more education somewhat correlates with a higher percentage of people having had same-sex sexual contact.

Race vs. Oral
The percentage of men (15-24) giving or receiving oral sex to/from a woman varies quite widely by race.

...........Giving Receiving

Notice that more men are receiving than performing.

For women, age 15-24, giving or receiving oral sex to/from a man, the numbers look like this:

..........Giving Receiving

There is a strong correlation between men and women here which could be due to cultural, religious, etc. factors.
I will also note (without showing the numbers) that although a larger percentage of Whites have participated in oral sex, their numbers are lower than Blacks and Hispanics for vaginal sex. Also, a larger percentage of White women (again still age 15-24) have had anal sex than Blacks or Hispanics while the numbers for White men are lower.

Attraction vs. Orientation
I don't underestand this one at all. Nearly 28% of men who identified themselves as bisexual indicated that they were only attracted to females. I will add that less than 6% of women who said they were bisexual indicated they were only attracted to males.

How It's Worded
And lastly (is anyone still reading this?) there was this explanation of how the wording of a question differed between different ways of administering.

Interviewer version:
‘‘At any time in your life, have you ever had sexual intercourse with a man, that is, made love, had sex, or gone all the way? [...] Do not count oral sex, anal sex, heavy petting, or other forms of sexual activity that do not involve vaginal penetration. Do not count sex with a female partner.’’
Self administered version:
‘‘Has a male ever put his penis in your vagina (also known as vaginal intercourse)?’’
South Park Version:
"Has a man ever put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?"
OK, I made that last part up.

A Potato With Eyes

I must say I was nonplussed to hear that a Sri Lankan/Canadian broke the world couch potato record. The new record is 69 hours, 48 minutes. Americans should be ashamed and redouble their efforts to gain this crown.

Interestingly, the same man

"[...]holds more than 16 Guinness records, including the longest duration balancing on one foot (76 hours, 40 minutes) and bowling for 100 hours."
I find it amazing he was able to stand on one foot longer than sit on a couch watching TV.


I just heard that 3 mice infected with "The Plague" went missing from a lab in New Jersey and it got me thinking. The names of diseases used to be much scarier than they are today. For example:

  • The Plague - Is there any other disease that warrants the "The"
  • Black Death - Avoid him like "The Plague"
Now, we have:
  • AIDS - as scary as this disease is, it actually sounds helpful
  • Asian Bird Flu - Would't Crocodile Flu sound scarier?
  • Flesh Eating Bacteria - Although not a disease name, this is the only exception I can think of.
Just something to ponder.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Equal Opportunity

I've been bashing Republicans quite a bit lately. As the party in power, they are the easiest target. But I've recently had a Democratic beauty dropped into my lap (well, actually my mailbox). It's the 2005 Critical National Issues Survey from the Friends of Hillary people. (Why this was sent to me, I don't know.)

This was my favorite "question" on the survey (bold italics mine):

5) How concerned are you about ongoing Republican proposals to privatize Social Security by investing some of it in the stock market and putting the retirement of millions of Americans at risk? _ Very concerned _ Somewhat concerned _ Unconcerned

Good grief.

Pussy Denied

A German inventor, who claims he can produce crude oil from waste products, denies he ever said he used dead cats.

I've never used cats and would never think of that. At most the odd toad may have jumped in.
I find it particularly interesting that the company's name is "Alphakat GmbH."

An Above Average Post

One of my co-workers has this article posted at the entry to his cubicle.

"[...] most incompetent people do not know that they are incompetent."

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Shick Announces Million Blade Razor

New York - Schick, a unit of Energizer Holdings, has announced a razor containing one million blades. A spokeperson for Schick said, "This razor will change the face of shaving!" When asked whether this razor was a response to Gillette's new five-bladed Fusion razor, they responded, "That would be ridiculous. If it was why isn't it a six-bladed razor?"

Gillette unveiled the three-bladed Mach3 in 1998 and Schick followed in 2003 with the four-bladed Quattro. In the cutthroat razor business, blades mean bucks. The suggested retail price of the million blade razor is $999.99. "It was important to keep the price below $1000," said the spokesperson.

Responding to a question about how a million blade razor could even fit on someone's face, the spokesperson responded that "[people] shave more than just their faces."

Indeed. This reporter tried a sample and was able to shave his entire head, back and buttocks in just a few very short strokes while simultaneously shaving his wife's legs.

Hong Kong based Personal Care Industry analyst, Harry Chin said, "They [Schick] are sure to carve out a large share of the market with this razor." He also cut Gillette shares from Outperform to Neutral.

Agreeing was analyst Ivan Nicks, who felt this would leave Gillette with only the stubble of the market.

Energizer Holdings, trading on the NYSE, was down $0.19 today.

Rumors on the street indicate Gillette is planning to buy privately held Care-Metix, one of the largest producers of styptic pencils in the U.S.

Monday, September 12, 2005

FEMA Director Brown Resigns, Eyes 2008 White House Bid

Washington, D.C. - FEMA director Michael Brown has resigned, according to senior administration sources.

Last week, Brown was relieved of his emrgency management duties in New Orleans and recalled to Washington on the pretense of urgent national FEMA business. Sources confirm that the real reason is to begin preparing for a 2008 Presidential Bid.

"This [darn] hurricane has taken too much attention away from this country's most pressing need; repeal of the 22nd Amendment," said administration sources. Adding, "All of our plans revolved around Bush beating [presumed Democratic nominee] Hillary [Clinton] in '08, but if he can't Brownie [Michael Brown] is the next least qualified."

When asked about the 2008 race, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "We categorically deny any preference based on race."

A Gallup Poll showed, Brown and Clinton in a virtual dead heat were the election to be held today.

The Lighter Side of...

Bargain Shopping.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Your Business is Your Business

I was browsing through today's ads when I ran across a tiolet that claims to be able to flush up to 29 golf balls in one flush. Uhhmm, may I humbly suggest that if you business resembles 29 golf balls that perhaps you need a doctor (or more fiber) and not a new toilet.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

2, 2, 2 Posts in 1

Movie Review: Down By Law
Apparently, I'm really missing something as IMDB rates this 7.7 out of 10 which is pretty high. I'd say this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life (and I will note that there was a time when I was watching 3, yes 3, movies a day). It was so boring I walked out even though I was watching it in my own apartment.

Following is for CoHer's only: Successful Hami raid tonight. Almost as boring as the above movie but not quite.

The Lighter Side of Life

I was watching Kill Reality the other day. For those that don't know (and I hope that is all of you) it is a reality show following the lives and making of a movie starring former reality show participants. Did that make sense?

The reason for this post is purely educational. During the course of the show, Jonny performed an "Upper Decker" which is when you take a dump in the tank portion (as opposed to the bowl) of the toilet. That is so foul that I almost stopped watching the show. Almost.

Friday, September 09, 2005

I Don't Know What To Say

I'm not even in Iraq and this President is killing me!

"I call upon all Americans to pray to Almighty God [...]"
But have you noticed that nobody's talking about Karl Rove any more? Is there anyone in this administration that isn't a moron, liar or a weasel? I need an aspirin...

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Hold Your Horses

I thought this was pretty frickin' funny.

Bush to Tap Michael Brown for Supreme Court

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Apparently I'm Remiss

There's been some coverage of this topic by the media but leave it to The Onion to throw the humor wrench into things with this headline:

White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters
or, if you prefer something lighter, try
Another Saints Season Ruined Before It Begins

Monday, September 05, 2005

Movies of the Week

Here's this past weeks DVD wrap-up:

Secretary: Netflix lists this movie under "Romance" but do not expect a chick flick. Characters are train wrecks. You can't stop watching but in the end you get nothing out of it.

Brother's Keeper: A documentary. I thought it was pretty well done.

The Jacket: With a little tweaking I think this could have been good. Meh.

Saturday, September 03, 2005


Woops. I forgot to post that'd I'd be gone all week. I was in the mountains of North Carolina for the week, reading (Harry Potter #3), golfing and relaxing (those last two are definitely not the same). The drive was <9 hours there, 9+ back. Trip back was longer due to slower driving speed and two stops for gas. The first stop was at a Pilot station in VA selling gas for the ultra-low price of just $2.99/gal. The second stop was at Taco Bell. :)