Ultimately It Felt Too Much Like "Gay Marriage"

Fascinating story (and by that I mean I only read the first few paragraphs) about the behind the scenes talks to create a Gingrich-Santorum (or vice-versa) ticket for the 2012 election. The best part was that

The negotiations collapsed in acrimony because Gingrich and Santorum could not agree on who would get to be president

Well, I can tell you, no matter whose name, Gingrich or Santorum, was listed first on the ballot, the president would have been the same, Obama.

That either of those guys believes he/they could have won represents a level of delusion reserved for people who need to take lithium and political candidates.

Break Out Your Merkins

Here are some quotes from an article. It seems pretty clear what they must be talking about.

"In New Jersey especially, where the government has been picking our pockets for so long, it was like, 'Just stay out of our pants, will you?"'

In a letter to the board, Szuchman says he won't support the ban, and since his office oversees the board, the ban would never be approved.

"Many commenters have noted that the procedure can be safely performed. I, therefore, believe that there are alternate means to address any public health issues identified by the board," Szuchman wrote the board. He encouraged the board to "to begin an immediate review of the training necessary to safely provide this service, and to establish appropriate protocols and safeguards."

The ban was considered after the women complained to the board about their injuries; one woman filed a lawsuit.

No other state is known to explicitly ban the procedure

[They] worried that customers would travel across state lines to get the [...] procedure

Yes, yes, New Jersey tried to stay true to its roots and continue being known as "The Big Hair State" by banning the Brazilian Wax but the proposal has been pulled.

Fear not New Jersey Shore lovers! You won't being staring at any Bozo-bikini lines or "The Fro Down Below". No ladies, you have no excuse not to look like 9 year-old girls (7, if they drink hormone-rich milk).

It's The End Of The...Mmm, That's Tastey

The bill passed Friday...

...aimed at combating the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s...

President Obama will sign the newly passed $787 billion economic stimulus package on Tuesday...

Wow! Things are so bad he's only going to wait four days to sign the bill! I mean, they tell us that we are barreling towards the next Great Depression, spend three weeks farting around then pass a bill with little in it that could pass for "stimulus" and so what's a few more days of crisis, right?

Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: Because he can.

Q: Why do politicians run for office?
A: Because they can't lick themselves.

I Thought I Saw A Unicorn But I Was Upside-Down

I saw the headline "Obama's three-legged economy rescue" and I immediately thought "How is John Holmes is going to fix the economy?"

I don't know what the article said as I assumed it was Not Safe For Work.

I do like that Wikipedia clarifies that I'm linking to John Holmes-Actor (I think "actor" is being very polite) as opposed to John Holmes-Poet or Diplomat or Mercenary.

Do You Want A Hummer From This Woman?

I have a low opinion of politicians. I assume they are all crooks, liars and/or pedophiles. Many don't seem too bright.

But Senator Barbara A. Mikulski from Maryland is currently topping my list in the "not too bright" category. Here's her plan.

Under Mikulski's plan, which she said she'll introduce in the Senate next week, consumers will be able to deduct the sales tax and the interest paid on a car loan, if a vehicle is purchased between today and Dec. 31. The tax break is available for cars priced under $49,500.

Sorry, I was temporarily blinded by the brilliance of the plan.

"It's simple, it's targeted, it's timely and it's temporary," Mikulski said.

It is idiotic and mainly will serve to move auto sales that were planned for early next year, into this year. It will also effectively move money from the wallets of people who don't buy a car in the next few weeks (or who don't qulaify for the tax break) to those that do. Finally, it will effectively undo 30 years of hard work for people trying to eliminate a certain stereotype of people of Polish decent.

If you voted for this woman, I urge you to punch yourself in the face. You certainly deserve it.

Grease Was The Word

1977-1979

That was the last time we had a President, House and un-filibuster-able Senate all from the same party. Yes, those sure were the economic good old days.

I can remember my dad telling me how he bought gasoline for 36 cents a gallon while we waited in a line around the block to fill up the car. Only to drive away disappointed when they ran out.

Unemployment was down to 7% from the crazy 8% it was just a couple years before. My WIN button kept inflation at a tiny 8%. I'll look through my belongings and see if I can find it. I have a feeling I'm going to need it.

The First Will Shower You, The Second Will Dump On You

Most of Candidate #1's voters are:

• straight ticket voters
• single issue (abortion) voters
• single issue (gun control) voters
• naive voters
• ignorant voters
  
• voters who want change
• racists

Most of Candidate #2's voters are:

• straight ticket voters
• single issue (abortion) voters
• single issue (gun control) voters
• naive voters
• ignorant voters
  
• voters who want change
• racists

Which one are you? (Saying you are "none of these" likely means you are ignorant.)

Or Maybe A Jowl Tax

You know what we need? A poll tax.

If you go look that up on Wikipedia it's going to tell you that a poll tax is a tax applied per person. It'll also tell you that Americans generally call a tax that's required to vote a "poll tax".

Neither of these is what I'm referring to. I want a poll tax that taxes polling. Jebus, every frickin' day there's at least one or two new polls about who people plan to vote for in the upcoming election. There are polls about who won the debate. There are polls about who's better for the economy, who'll be better for change, who'll take a bigger dump. Who gives a flying f*ck?

The poll tax will be $1 for the first poll, doubling for every subsequnt poll. In three days we'll raise enough to pay for the financial system bailout.

And you'll be able to say it was paid for by the people with the most poll.

Cindy Gives Him Mr. Potato Head

Sometimes I spend an inordinate amount of time on something and afterward I look back and wonder "What the hell was I thinking?"

Today was one of those days.


By the way, the actual sweet potato fries are quite good.

Spreading The News

Breaking News:
Bozo the Clown is not John McCain's Vice Presidential pick. This is confirmed by two of my sources: Kamans Ents and Hooda F. Kairs.

And now for the important stuff, CNN has an article with eight bad reasons to have sex. In the interest of balance, here is the view from a possible hookie.
Revenge - "Hooking up with his best friend because you're angry at your boyfriend will get you nowhere." Until my friends get better taste in women, there's nothing to worry about here.
Ego Gratification - "You must be fine if that scorching hot bartender took you home." Wow, that would take some heavy duty beer goggles!
Appliance Envy - I'll crank the AC down to 72 and then we can heat things up with my 52 incher!
Weight Loss - "a 120-pound woman burns only 57 calories during 15 minutes of sex." That's the same number of calories as a dead fish. Try being a little more active.
Clarity - Apparently, you are actually a lesbian but unwilling to admit it. Maybe that's why you only burn 57 calories during sex.
Mercy - "Misery loves company -- good luck getting him out of your apartment." That's why you should go to his place.
Quid Pro Quo - "Just because he bought you a lobster doesn't mean you need to give up dessert." If you never buy dinner, then it is quid pro quo.
Fame by Association - "fame is not transmissible through intimate contact." perhaps you can raise your self esteem enough to move into the quid pro quo group.

Floridian Tells Senator, "Git Yur Hands Off My Nuts!"

Oh, yes. A Florida State Senator wants to rip your nuts off...your truck. This won't go over well with Clem in Palatka (and everybody in Palatka is named Clem...even the women).

Here's what truck nuts look like (actually there are many brands of truck nuts, the following are bullsballs brand, iffin ya wanna git ya a par):


And here's how you use them:


Thanks Clem!

A newly formed group, Clems Of United Palatka DEtermined To Allow Testicles (COUPDETAT) planned a march on Tallahassee but it was canceled because their pick-ups were full of quarry material that needed to be unloaded.

In other words, they were hanging around waiting to get their rocks off...

their trucks!

Also, please note that I did not send this story around via email.

Why Obama Can't Win In November

I've gotten a lot of stuff the last couple days via UPS, DHL and USPS. So, I wasn't too surprised when, moments ago, my doorbell rang and it was the UPS guy holding a package.

He needed a signature so he shoved that little tablet at me. I was trying to think what else I was expecting when he said, "This is 1322, right?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Oh, wait, I need 1232. A guy named Seequa." [I'm guessing at that spelling.]

And off he went. Was that discrimination? Profiling?

If he was looking for "Jay", who has to answer the door for him to re-check the address?

Next Time, She'll Re-Fuse To Leave

It's tough for a humor blog to compete with the news these days. Sigh. Enough to drive a man to drink. Here's my latest recipe:

Mix one part very powerful whiner with one or two (maybe three) parts of 22 year old Sprite. Add some wife bitters and serve to public. I call this cock tale an Eliot Spritzer.

No? OK, how about a news story about a woman who would drive Chef crazy.

A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom

The police officer in charge of the "woman stuck to toilet seat" investigation? Officer Mr. Whipple!

They had conversations and had an otherwise normal relationship -- except it all happened in the bathroom.

[Those of you that know me, insert the joke you know I would make here.]

When asked why he hadn't reported the situation for two years, her boyfriend, Kory McFarren said, "Don't worry, be happy!"

From the movie (I swear) Cocktail

Here's a little song I wrote
You might sing it note-for-note
Don't worry, be happy
If you're an elected official
You're sex life getting a little dull
Don't worry, be happy
Everyday you gotta wear a suit
Stay away from the prostitute
Don't worry, be happy
Girlfriend stuck to a toilet seat
Freezer full of parakeets
Don't worry, be happy

This Would So Much Funnier If Colin Powell Was the Head Of The CIA

How many times did the CIA use waterboarding on terrorist suspects? Let's ask Mr. Hayden Owl.

Hayden-Owl: Wu-hun. Too-hoo. Threeeee.

Hayden-Owl: Three.

Yeah, and you've never masturbated and your sh*t don't stink.

SuckerBowl

One decent commercial so far. The one for Pepsi with the deaf people.

What's with the voting crap? Is that some kind of play on "Patriots"?

Oh, even more, now they're reciting the Declaration and chastising me for not knowing it! If it was important, someone would have put it to music and played it on TV on Saturday mornings.

Wait! The best part is they followed the D of I very closely with a tourism ad for Canada!

Hey! You wanna get high? Just take some drugs from your parents medicine cabinet!

There can be only ONE American Idol! Or seven. But who's counting?

Tom! Show us you t*ts!

Stewie vs. Underdog, that was decent.

"A lot of sweat goes into every bottle." Nice.

A man attaches jumper cables to his nipples. At the bottom of the screen it says "Do Not Attempt". Please send pics if you ignore the warning.

Touchdown by Not The Patriots! I want to trademark "Biggest Choke Ever!"

And that's everything you need to know about Bill Bellyache. Not even on the field for the end of the game. Weanie.

Or We Could All Be Phalangerers

You can divide most people in this country into two groups. One thinks that the Democrats or Republicans do a good job of representing their views and the other thinks WTF is wrong with the people in the first group.

For these latter people, I was going to start a Party, not to represent your political views but, instead, to represent your view on politics. Unfortunately, the name I wanted is already used by a Party in Lebanon and I didn't want to cause any confusion.

The name would have been the Phalange Party and we could have all be Phalangists (not to be confused with philangophiles).

It's too bad because there are a huge number of people that are interested. When I tried flashing them the Party Symbol, they usually flashed it right back in solidarity.

Start Printing The Albaniac Shirts!

Prediction for 2008:
Continued housing problems lead the US into a mild recession and popping the China stock market bubble. Civil unrest in China follows. With all the world watching Beijing because of the Olympics, its leaders dare not use military force and are overthrown.

No, no. They'd still use military force. Then the big Presidential debate would become whether the US should boycott the Olympics.

Mitt Romney will take both sides.

With the US out of the picture, Albania wins its first Olympic medal.

Why Is The Mark So Close To Sin?

In his unsuccessful 1992 run for Senate, Mike Huckabee

told the AP in the questionnaire that he found homosexuality to be "an aberrant, unnatural and sinful lifestyle."

Recently, he clarified

"Let's understand what sin means," Huckabee said. "Sin means missing the mark."

Missing the mark? Damn. Apparently I have sinned...but most of the time it was by accident.

I swear!

source article

Go Elf Yourself!

Scariest Christmas ever.

I Am Not A Crook

News Flash: Politician accused of misleading public!

Here's the quote from former White House spokesperson, Scott McClellan:

The most powerful leader in the world had called upon me to speak on his behalf and help restore credibility he lost amid the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So I stood at the White House briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior-most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.

There was one problem. It was not true.

I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice president, the president's chief of staff, and the president himself.

But wait, here's the best part of the article:

Asked about the released excerpt, White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said, "The president has not misled his spokespeople, nor would he."

Someone wants to write a book.

P.S. - This post has nothing to do with Albania, but just by mentioning that fact it suddenly does.