Breastalyzer Test

A couple of little things, just to let people know I'm still alive.

First, there's an article about workers striking because some of their union brethren were fired for looking at Internet porn. I have two things to say about this. A) Unless you work in the porn industry you should not be looking at porn at work. B) Why on Earth are pizza makers part of the Technical, Engineering and Electrical Union?

Second is a product that, in my mind, would only be used by the most responsible of irresponsible moms. Breast alcohol test strips. That is not a typo; I did write "breast" not "breath". This is for nursing mothers who want to go out and get tanked but then they don't know how long to wait before breastfeeding their babies. With these handy strips, no more guesswork. If you're buying multiple boxes of 20's, you probably should give your baby up for adoption.

Yackity Yack

Yesterday was a bit of a Foodapalooza. Had lunch at Max Brenner's (and if you don't bring you kids there, you a an awful parent). Their slogan is "Chocolate from the bald man!" How can things possilby go wrong.

I had the Illegal Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Pancakes. They were very good but, quite frankly, they should put cocoa powder in the actual pancake. My friends got their kids a chocolate pizza, do-it-yourself hot chocolate and a chocolate syringe. Most of it ended up on one of their kids. All in all, a fun and tasty lunch.

Then off to a friendly get together on Long Island. There was food, drinks, a hot tub, yada, yada, yada. We ended up driving a couple of people back to Manhattan and we hadn't gotten very far when a voice from the back seat requested, "Uhm, when you can, could you pull over?"

Ruh-roh.

SCREEEEEECH!

That makes two wacky yakky weekends in NY. It's just like being back in college (except I'm not the one booting).

New Yak City

This was intended to be sung to the same tune as the FCR - New Car commercial. (BTW - if what you really want is your free credit report go to the government credit report site where they don't make you enroll is some crap you don't need.)

Do not read if you feel queasy!

We were riding on the subway
down to High Line Park
Started out standing 'til I found
a place for my ass to park.

At Penn Station
the seat next to me
which previously had been taken
was now completely free.

Turned around and then
I turned right back.
A guy was sittin' there
and he began to yak.

B-E-E-R
that spells "beer".
What was coming out of him
was golden-ish and clear.

It was shooting out
like from a fire hose.
Coming out his mouth
and also through his nose.

But that's not the worst part
about the emetic.
I found the woman I was with, well,
she was sittin' in it!

Jumped off the train
and we ran;
up and down the street
looking for a public can.

At Mickey D's,
I bought a drink;
so she could use the bathroom
and wash her shorts in the sink.

And, no, I'm not lookin'
for any pity.
It's just another day
in New York City.

BTW - the new High Line Park is quite nice.

What A Feeling!

I don't know what this has to do with diversity but it sure fits the HoldTheMilk theme.

Thanks Zimbo!

Billy Mays Could Sell It

"What is a pedoflop?" asks the commercial on TV.

Someone incapable of hooking up with the kiddies?

"You can simulate the Big Bang," continues the TV commercial.

What is this product? Virtual reality molestation software?

Maybe I'll just turn the TV off instead of half paying attention.

Break Out Your Merkins

Here are some quotes from an article. It seems pretty clear what they must be talking about.

"In New Jersey especially, where the government has been picking our pockets for so long, it was like, 'Just stay out of our pants, will you?"'

In a letter to the board, Szuchman says he won't support the ban, and since his office oversees the board, the ban would never be approved.

"Many commenters have noted that the procedure can be safely performed. I, therefore, believe that there are alternate means to address any public health issues identified by the board," Szuchman wrote the board. He encouraged the board to "to begin an immediate review of the training necessary to safely provide this service, and to establish appropriate protocols and safeguards."

The ban was considered after the women complained to the board about their injuries; one woman filed a lawsuit.

No other state is known to explicitly ban the procedure

[They] worried that customers would travel across state lines to get the [...] procedure

Yes, yes, New Jersey tried to stay true to its roots and continue being known as "The Big Hair State" by banning the Brazilian Wax but the proposal has been pulled.

Fear not New Jersey Shore lovers! You won't being staring at any Bozo-bikini lines or "The Fro Down Below". No ladies, you have no excuse not to look like 9 year-old girls (7, if they drink hormone-rich milk).

For Some, Every Operation Involves A Natural Orifice

I basically don't watch the "news" nor read any stories that clearly aren't news. Basically. And by that I mean I make some exceptions for potential blog fodder. Today, CNN had a story with the link: Doctors use orifices for weight-loss operations. That seemed like fertile ground.

Well, despite lots of talk about vaginae and mouths and rectums and penises, nothing really caught my eye until this:

Two groups, the American Society for Gastrointestinal Endoscopy and Society of American Gastrointestinal and Endoscopic Surgeons, formed a research group to consider issues and exchange information about natural orifice surgeries. The group is called the Natural Orifice Surgery Consortium for Assessment and Research, also known as NOSCAR.

Coming on the heels of this weekend's Daytona 500, all I could think of was some hillbilly doctor yelling "Boogity, boogity, boogity. Let's go Operating Boys!"

If that makes no sense, watch the first 30 or 40 seconds of the race video.

Replacement Heads...Now I Get It!

Probably not safe for work...

Eww..hahahah...eww.

Here's some others:
Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

Today, I went to get my school picture taken, when the photographer looked at me, saying, "You look like you need a mirror." FML

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

When I Get To The Mountaintop You'd Better Get Out Of The Way

Think of the bagel I had for lunch yesterday as Hancock.

Think of the fiber bar snack and giant dinner salad as the freight train.

"What happens when an irresistible force means an immovable object?"

Let's just say that I could use a nap.

Great Gift For Your French Hunting Buddy

Are you crossing the fine line between musk and stench? Is your junk all in a funk? Are your privates described like The Grinch (stink, stank, stunk)? Well, maybe there is help for you yet.

MTP Performance Briefs with ScentEliminator™

MTP is a unique fabric that delivers year-round comfort, keeping you cool in summer and warm in winter. It has three times the evaporation ability of fabrics like cotton, while retaining cotton-like comfort. The secret to Cabela's MTP Series underwear is a unique process that permanently modifies the polyester fabric to quickly wick moisture away from your body, plus it inhibits bacteria, mold and mildew. ScentEliminator technology controls the growth of odor-causing bacteria, making this underwear an excellent choice for big-game hunters and outdoor enthusiasts. The fabric delivers maximum comfort and freedom of movement. Repeated machine washing will not affect its performance.

My first reaction was that I could take a dump in these trunks and no one would be the wiser but that's not quite what they're for. I do fear that some people will read "delivers year-round comfort" and think "I don't need to warsh them but once a year" (that's no typo, the person would obviously pronounce it "warsh" not "wash").

I also worry that the name MTP is too close to TP. "Hey, I don't think this Smellinator stuff is workin'!"

As for that last comment about "repeated machine washing" I think a better wording would be "Improves with each washing!"

Here's one of the comments:

no scent underwear, November 1, 2008
By jasper1988 from central bc

"So far so great. This item does block that nasty "human" ie crotch scent. I joked if I had four pairs I could go a month without showering....at least until you pull them off. The smell is in there but not noticable to my nose while wearing them for a couple days."

If I Could Stop Thinking About It, I'd Be Sleeping

On my recent vacation I got a nice skullburn. It was so bad that one day I looked like a human love-meter that was pegged. Whatever I touched started to melt in my clutch. I'm too much.

Last week things started peeling. That much flesh hasn't fallen from such heights since 9/11. (Too soon?)

I had to do something so I tried moisturizer which seemed to work but only briefly. I wasn't about to bring moisturizer to work and rub it on my skull every 10-15 minutes. Plus, if I brought it in, I'd have to hide my tissues. I don't want to be one of those guys that have tissues and moisturizer on their desks. That is creepy.

It's about a week later and the peeling continues unabated (that's una-, not mastur-). And now I think the twice a day moisturizing might be making things worse. On top of that, it doesn't feel like theirs much skin covering my skull. How many layers do I have left? Pretty soon it'll be down to the bone and I'll look like I escaped from Body Worlds or something.

Chorus to a song I'm working on (to the tune of Lyin' Eyes):

You can eye my peeling hide
And it don't help to moisturize
I turned so red 'cause I'm so white
There ain't no way to defy my peeling hide

When Empty, It's An Itching Wedge

Guaranteed to keep you out of the woods!

That is my number one issue.

... designed from a lightweight resin with a molded grip.

Like my cell phone which I use to answer calls.

Every aspect of this piece of equipment has been meticulously worked out to make it simple and trouble free to use.

As easy as shaking hands with the President!

... intended to eliminate anxiety and any feeling of uneasiness on the course.

OK. What is going on here?

The cap opens and closes easily and is designed with a triple sealing system to ensure that it is leak proof.

Oh! It's for smuggling liquor!

Capacity: Over half a liter, ...

Enough for a foursome!

Length: Like a standard 7 iron.

That's what she said!

... freedom of the hands to manipulate the club...

That's what ... oh, wait. I used that one already. Uhmmm.
How else would I manipulate it? With my mouth? That's what ... oh, never mind.

and zipper.

What?!

... holds twice the volume commonly urinated.

Oh, god! I wonder how much vomit it can hold! Hllluuurrrk!

click for more info

Bonus: funny commercial. "Looks like you're just checking out your club!"

Also, if you've been golfing recently and you thought people mistakenly took you for being from the Continent when they yelled, "Hey! European!", they probably thought you were using this club.

Heat Post To 160 Degrees Before Reading

I would consider myself a healthy eater. However, everything in moderation.

And so, today, I bring you a story. A story about setting goals, taking risks, overcoming the naysayers. A story, friends, about looking death in the face and saying, "Is that all you got?"

Well, maybe that's overstating things a tad. It's really a story about eating the World's Cheapest Hot Dogs. How cheap? How about 7.375 cents each! And where does one get such hot diggity dogs? Aldi's House of Cheap Stuff (Most Of Which Can Pass For Food)!

Here's the receipt showing the price of $0.59 (newly reduced from an outrageous $0.65) for 8. You can also see that you need to be "bananas" to buy them.


Below is the package. Notice that these are not beef franks (those babies will run you $1.99 for 8, but they are 2 oz. franks). I'm not sure if the brand is B*Bar or Babar. If you feed these to a child, don't tell them that they are Babar wieners or they won't eat them (also they won't cry when Child Protective Services take you away for feeding them this crap).

You'll note that these dogs are "made with chicken, pork & beef". That wording is between "made from chicken pork & beef" and "made by chicken, pork & beef". Based on the rules of advertising, that means that these dogs at least have chicken, pork and beef nearby when they are made. It's like the other day. I had a friend over and made dinner with her. No part of her was actually eaten. {rim shot}


Note that the label trumpets that these furters are "Fully Cooked" and yet the must be heated thoroughly to 160 degrees. Normally, you heat stuff to that temperature to kill anything that might be living but what could live on these things?

Moving on. Here's the ironically named "Nutrition Facts" label. For every wiener you shove down your hole you can look forward to a rush of nearly 400mg of salt and the energy punch of 10g of fat; perfect post-marathon food.

The first ingredient is "mechanically separated chicken" Did you ever get a double yolk egg? Well, if that egg had been fertilized there's a good chance that Siamese chickens would have hatched from it. Farmers hate this because when they slaughter one chicken the other runs around with a chicken with its head cut off; the craziest site you've ever seen. So the farmers use a high precision mechanical separator called an "ax" to fix what God has eff'ed up.


Next is "meat ingredients" not to be confused with "meat". "Meat" is always some identifiable part like lips, hooves or eye lashes. "Meat ingredients" can not be identified by the finest veterinarians.

Then we have water (another great post-marathon ingredient!) and some other stuff until we reach "potassium lactate". There can't be very much of that though because it is very expensive (do you know how hard it is to milk a potassium?)

A bit further we find good old ascorbic acid which gives these dogs more Vitamin C than a glass of orange juice.

A very small glass.

So ends the preliminaries. Now to answer the big question: "Can you survive if you eat them?"

Obviously yes...but do you want to? I decided to heat mine in a skillet. I had two. One with just mustard then the other with what I thought it needed to taste good.

The mustard one was not very exciting. Somewhat similar to a warm but uncooked soft pretzel. Mushy, salty, nothing to write home about.

To fix things, my second (salty) dog had (salty) mustard, (salty) ketchup and (salty) cheese. This one was much better because, frankly, I put way too much cheese on it.

Get it? Frankly?

Overall, I think these would be great for a cookout for people you don't particularly like, relatives who have over-stayed their welcome and kids' birthday parties before they develop a more refined palate and insist on the 24.875 cent franks.

Pair It With Scrapple!

If someone can help me find a can of this, I will gladly consume and regurgitate it and write a big long post about it for your amusement.
If you're having trouble reading it, it's a combination of Budweiser beer, Clamato (itself a combination of tomato and clam juice), salt and lime.

Shave Your Dog

I'm not losing my hair, it's simply sliding further down my body.

Yesterday, I decided to trim the hair on my neck. I got out my clippers and starting buzzing around and I was struck with this thought, "Where does my neck end and my chest begin?" There was no longer an obvious hair gap. I buzzed down to my collar bone.

"Well, that doesn't look right," I thought. So I buzzed across the collar bone. Nope. Still not right.

I continued working my way down, trying to make things look "right" but it just got worse and worse until I was completely man-scaped!

In the lemonade category, it is easier to clean the shower now. I'm also expecting less bellybutton lint.

Why Did The Nurse Have A Thermometer Behind Her Ear?*

Didn't a similar thing happen to Paul McCartney when he got married?

* - Some *sshole got her pencil.

Next Time, She'll Re-Fuse To Leave

It's tough for a humor blog to compete with the news these days. Sigh. Enough to drive a man to drink. Here's my latest recipe:

Mix one part very powerful whiner with one or two (maybe three) parts of 22 year old Sprite. Add some wife bitters and serve to public. I call this cock tale an Eliot Spritzer.

No? OK, how about a news story about a woman who would drive Chef crazy.

A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom

The police officer in charge of the "woman stuck to toilet seat" investigation? Officer Mr. Whipple!

They had conversations and had an otherwise normal relationship -- except it all happened in the bathroom.

[Those of you that know me, insert the joke you know I would make here.]

When asked why he hadn't reported the situation for two years, her boyfriend, Kory McFarren said, "Don't worry, be happy!"

From the movie (I swear) Cocktail

Here's a little song I wrote
You might sing it note-for-note
Don't worry, be happy
If you're an elected official
You're sex life getting a little dull
Don't worry, be happy
Everyday you gotta wear a suit
Stay away from the prostitute
Don't worry, be happy
Girlfriend stuck to a toilet seat
Freezer full of parakeets
Don't worry, be happy

This Blog Is Number 11?

Here's a list of the 10 Worst Products for Men Ever Created. I don't know how Hair in a Can can compete with the Recto Rotor or Radioactive Jockstrap but you can decide for yourself.

What Is The Sound Of One Hand Chapping?

I was in The City on Saturday looking at apartments. One was in particularly unkempt condition. The agent showing it noted "you can tell a single guy lives here." I was in the bedroom when she said this and my eyes suddenly zeroed on on something.

The hand lotion on the nightstand.

For all those times a single guy wakes in the middle of the night because of spontaneous chapping.

Good thing I didn't bring my UV light. I think I'll pass on that place.

Apparently, I Am The Anti-Christ

What do you call a guy who's born Jewish and has nails put into his feet?

OK, then, what do you call a guy who's born Jewish and pulls nails out of his feet?



Disgusting?