If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Do You Like Green Eggs Anus Ham?

Tomorrow I'll start to carb-load for the marathon. Sometime in the past I read that before carb-loading you should carb-unload. Basically that means the Atkins diet. I figured I could handle that...for one meal.

I decided to have some eggs for dinner but after some discussion with a friend decided to really man-up and go for the ultimate egg meal. An egg, egg omelet. That is an omelet filled with a fried egg and a hard boiled egg. Here's a picture.

All I added was salt, pepper and hot sauce. The difference in textures between the three eggs made for a surprisingly not awful meal. I'd like to say something funnier, like it had the texture of blue whale semen or tasted like my ex-girlfriend's anus but I don't know what either of those are like, thankfully.

I also had a salad with some cottage cheese but I was still hungry. I searched around looking for dessert but all I had was carb-laden cookies and granola bars and such. Then I found something.

Despite knowing better, let me assure you...baking chocolate is no dessert.

I think it would lose in a taste test vs. the above referenced anus.

Next maybe I'll try an egg salad crepe.

P.S. - Did you misread the post title?

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Have I Wasted Enough Time Yet?

It's 5am. I've been up since 3:30 with this f***ing Love, Reign O'er Me song running through my head like a freight train. How does this song end? Make it stop!

Crossword puzzle #2, version 2 (maybe I should call it 2.1 to make it seem like I wasted less manpower on it) is on its way to the NYTimes. I allow myself only a sliver of hope that it might find its way into newsprint. And by sliver I mean that it is about as likely as me getting this freaking song out of my head anytime soon.

It's 5:15am. Continuing to ramble, I was just thinking about those tests you take in middle/high school that tell you what field you should go into. I don't remember what mine said but it certainly wasn't "engineer". Those tests must not be very good because it's hard to imagine something I'd be better at.

Except maybe gigolo or Chippendale dancer.

Here's an abbreviated version of how a "real life" version of one of these tests would work.

  1. Do you like to play with fire?

    • Yes - go into firefighting

  2. Do you like to shoot people?

    • With a camera? - Try photography

    • With a gun? - Try the military or police

  3. Do you like to have sex with children?

    1. If Yes, are you religious?

      • Yes - Become a priest or minister.

      • No - Become a teacher or child care worker.

    2. If No, do you like to have sex with women?

      • Yes - Become a rock and roll star or an investment banker

      • No - Become an engineer or a mime

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Die And Let Die

Recently, the people in charge of our government put together a plan (they call it "guidance") on how to ration a vaccine in case there is a flu pandemic. They would divide the country into 5 tiers. Guess who is included in Tier 1.

Surprise! "Key government leaders"

Of course, the witty and clever people that would ensure people still had something to laugh about as their loved ones died are in Tier 5. So, the future America will have plenty of doctors, morons to lead those doctors, crazy EMT personnel, policemen, firemen, pregnant woman and 6-12 month old babies.

Global warming solved.

This whole situation reminds a little of first grade in school. During a fire drill, the class had to line up in height order. Since I was the tallest, I was last. The message was loud and clear:

In case of fire, sacrifice the tallest people!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

It's A Giant Dolores!

Read through this recent John Kirby post; just read the ad, don't bother with his response. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Are you sure you read it? Ok, then scroll down.

Which part is funniest:

  1. The use of "off course" vs. "of course" in the context of anal sex?
  2. The reference to "mutual cunnilingus" between a woman and a man?!
  3. The fact that this woman is a biology teacher!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

When It Dings, Your Baby Is Fully Cooked

Watch how quickly this post runs off the tracks...

There was a little blurb about the Army using a Doppler radar to detect beating hearts through walls.

This reminds of an episode of Star Trek where, at some point, they play everyone's heartbeat sounds through the PA and find there is someone hidden on the ship. I don't know the name of the episode but I do know someone that does. You can give him just about any summary or even small snippet of an episode and he can tell you which one it was. For example:

Which is the episode with Quatloos?
Which is the episode with the blonde who wears the silver dress that makes an X over her breasts?
Which is the episode where Bones says "Damn it, I'm a doctor not an escalator."

My friend seems quite embarrassed by all this knowledge but he shouldn't be embarrassed.

He should be ashamed.

What was this post about? Oh, yeah. Doppler radar. And what is the best, non-military use they could think of for this technology?

"[...] this technology could be incorporated into cars as a sophisticated baby monitor, which would mean no more excuses for leaving your kid in the car."

Monday, October 15, 2007

Eat This Post

In case you don't normally read my marathon blog, tonight's post was probably worth a minute of your time.

Friday, October 12, 2007

The Last Nobel, The Angels Did Say

The Nobel Peace Prize has been announced and the winner is...Al Gore? WTF?

"He is probably the single individual who has done most to create greater worldwide understanding of the measures that need to be adopted," said Ole Danbolt Mjoes, chairman of the Nobel committee.
peace - n.
1 : a state of tranquillity or quiet: as a : freedom from civil disturbance b : a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom
2 : freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions
3 : harmony in personal relations
4 a : a state or period of mutual concord between governments b : a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity
5 -- used interjectionally to ask for silence or calm or as a greeting or farewell
Which of these definitions is the one they are using? As I read and re-read them the only thing I can think is I need a little peace (definition #2).

Here's a quick quiz. Which of the following people/groups has done the least to slow/prevent global warming?
  1. Hitler
  2. The Khmer Rouge
  3. Owners of sonogram clinics in India
  4. Turks
  5. AIDS
  6. Al Gore
If you look from the opposite direction, who has done the most to accelerate global warming, I think you could easily choose the Catholic Church with it's be fruitful and multiply, anti-abortion and anti-contraception policies. Sure, they get a little credit for the Crusades and such but it clearly hasn't been enough. That would make the Pope the Hitler of the Global Warming Holocaust. Congratulations. Your Nobel Prize is on the way.

I can't believe it, but the Nobel committee has jumped the shark.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The Lesser Known Brother Of Max Factor

My friends keep sending me pictures of their daughters.


At some point Chris Hansen will show up at my door and ask me what I think I'm doing.

They are both under 3 years old but at some point they have to stop. What's the cut-off date? 4? 5? (Update: To all the people e-mailing me, NO, I will NOT send you copies of the pictures!)

Last night on Dr. 90210, a 25-year old woman was having a breast lift. Her dad was not at the operation but was there when the bandages came off. I think that if your daughter is 25 and has some kind of breast surgery, as a dad you get 1 second, maybe 2, to give a clinical review and then move on to something else. Basically, make sure they're about the same size and the nipples are centered (i.e. your daughter is cross-nippled). That's it. The guy last night was practically drooling over his daughters breasts! Daddy's little girls! Ick Factor 8!

It totally made me lose my erection. (That's a joke people!)

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Who Took My Red Grappler?

I think I figured out what I want to do for my next job.

Mixed martial arts referee.

From what I can see, the qualifications are:

  1. Wear gloves (because of all the blood)
  2. Stop the fight when one guy passes out, taps out or dies
  3. Make sure fighters don't hit their opponent in the back of the head or the balls (those are all the rules)
  4. Say "Let's git it on!"
I'll need to work a little on the gloves.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Get On The Sauce

I have an idea for a bar where people don't drink anything but still get drunk.