Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Katzenberg Says Mobile Viewers Will Pay by ‘Inch’

Of course, porn already does this.

Let's Give'em A Hand

This weekend in NYC included dinner at Vatan (which is delicious but too much food for too much money, if that makes sense). If you go and can eat the whole battered/fried pepper that comes with the appetizer tray then you have my utmost respect.

After that, we moseyed on over to the Found Footage Festival which was hilarious! There are some clips on YouTube including this one.



And if you are NOT at work, the festival included parts of this one.
Did I mention this is not safe for work?
NSFW!

Update: I don't know why the embedded version of this did not work. But it is still NSFW!

Update 2: I completely forgot to include this photo of me and, uhm, yes, it is exactly what you think.

Here's The Buzz

Best Woot write-up in a while.

Sounds like Melissa’s playing electric football again. It’s great that my wife is becoming such a football fan, even if she only wants to play it by herself.

Chupabarro

Walking home today, I came to the usually dry creek. Today it was slowly flowing. I could either walk around or jump it.

It was about a 6 foot jump. I tested the landing area with a nearby stick. Solid. I can jump this, no problem.

I leap and as I do my plant foot slips, robbing me of all my forward momentum and landing me right in the middle of the f*cking creek. I pull my foot quick. Too quick for my elastic laces which can't overcome the suction of the mud. I have to reach in and pull my shoe out.

I get home and toss my socks in the garbage. They're too muddy to contemplate washing. I put the shoes outside to dry but I'm pretty sure that won't dry...in the rain.

I'd Feel More Comfortable If The Gift Horse Had No Teeth

In a recent bout of cleaning I came across (maybe I should say "happened across") a coupon for "one bl*wjob, no strings attached". There is no expiration date but I have no interest in using it due to "chomp anxiety". I did try using it with a recent date but she said she didn't accept competitor's coupons. :-(

If anybody wants it, let me know. IANAL but it seems like an enforceable contract to me. The coupon has no cash value (wouldn't that be prostitution?).

January Is For Banana Hammocks

I've just started combing through this site. Some of the videos are hilarious, like this one from the first No Pants! Subway Ride. Notice the name of the book the woman is reading.

No Pants (2002) from ImprovEverywhere on Vimeo.

Better Than A Bud Light From The Mini-Fridge

Thanks to Lianablog I now know my NPR name is Ejay Altenahr. (EE-jay AHL-ten-ahr)

As she explains:

You take your middle initial and insert it somewhere into your first name. Then you add on the smallest foreign town you’ve ever visited.

Actually, there are probably smaller towns I've visited but Altenahr (pop. ~1000) is small enough and sounds pretty good.

Thank you for tuning in. I'm Ejay Altenahr reporting from Bumf*ck, Egypt.

All The News That Fits In A Box

Jump! Jump! Jump!

The video you've all been waiting for! I had to cut out a bunch to make it small enough to upload.

Some background:

• At the time I did this I disliked flying, had a fear of heights and suffered from horrible motion sickness.
  
• Notice the difference in demeanor between my friend Sharon and myself. I am _not_ doing this for fun.
• When the door opens, you can actually see my higher brain function shut off completely.
• During the "training" they make it very clear that you should not touch the door frame. That is only for your jump master. It's not as easy as it sounds.
• Watch closely. As soon as we leave the plane, my brain function kicks back on and pure terror takes over.
• You can see me saying (mouthing) "Oh my God!" as I approach the camera. After that I remember thinking my mouth was getting dry (probably from the 120mph wind blowing into it) and then I actually had a couple seconds of enjoyment (or relief that I wasn't dead, same difference).

Replacement Heads...Now I Get It!

Probably not safe for work...

Eww..hahahah...eww.

Here's some others:
Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

Today, I went to get my school picture taken, when the photographer looked at me, saying, "You look like you need a mirror." FML

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

Say Goodnight, Gracie

"Well, there's all those monsters."

"What monsters?"

"You know, the Abominable Snowman, the Loch Ness Monster and the other one; the one with the big feet."

"Uhm, Bigfoot?"

"Yes, that's the one."

I Like Bronze Butts But I Don't Know Why

This is probably not very work safe but pretty funny, especially if you've ever been to Las Vegas.

Travels with Woot: Las Vegas & CES 2009 (Director's Cut) from Woot Video on Vimeo.

Birds Of Mass Block Suction

Sixteen months ago, the NAS* was picking up "chatter" from known terrorist groups. Something big was being planned but they did not inform anybody.

Ten months ago, an agent with the DoW** spotted suspicious activity. Several men and women wanting to learn about animal farming. The strange thing though: they were not interested in cows, pigs, sheep or goats; only poultry. Even then, they weren't very interested in chickens or turkeys. They did not want to learn how to sell or butcher the animals or how to fatten their livers via forced feedings. The agent made a report but it was ignored.

It is clear now what was going on. Al-Qaeda cells are breeding geese and ducks at high rates and releasing them near strategic targets, such as LaGuardia Airport.

Fortunately, on Tuesday, all these problems will magically go away. It will be another miracle.

* - National Audubon Society
** - Defenders of Wildlife

Not The Women I Date, Of Course

Today, I have a little more empathy for women.

Yesterday it snowed like crazy. The weather channel promised six to nine inches.

We got three.

Maybe.

And it's just not satisfying.

Yes, today I have a little more empathy for women.

No Shirt, No Stamp, No Dice

$1ooo pot stickers? How are these not collectors items?

Yessir. You want to walk around the state of Kansas with more than an ounce of ganga or a gram of toot and you best have your drug stamps in order.

The fact that dealing marijuana and controlled substances is illegal does not exempt it from taxation. Therefore drug dealers are required by law to purchase drug tax stamps.

The drug tax is due as soon as the dealer takes possession of the marijuana or controlled substance. Payment of the drug tax will purchase the drug tax stamps. Attach the stamp to the marijuana and/or controlled substance immediately after receiving the substance. The stamps are valid for 3 months. Drugs seized without stamps or having expired stamps may result in criminal or civil penalties which may include fines, seizure of property or liens against real estate.

A dealer is not required to give his/her name or address when purchasing stamps and the Department is prohibited from sharing any information relating to the purchase of drug tax stamps with law enforcement or anyone else.

Oh and there's also this tidbit...

Purchasing drug tax stamps does not make possession of drugs legal.

And He Stuck A Finger Up His Nose And Came Down With The Flu

Christ - from the Greek kristos meaning annointed
mas - from the Spanish meaning more

And so I give you the true meaning of Christmas.

Scene:

Somewhere in the Mideast, it is Passover, the Jewish New Year, which because of the crazy lunar calendar falls just after the winter solstice this year. There are thirteen Mexican landscapers sitting on one side of a long table having a feast. The one in the middle is Sus (soos). The tortillas have been overcooked and are crisp and crunchy. They were out of flour so they had to make them from corn (maize) and they called them maiztah.

The evening arrived; the apostles took their places. The master, in his cook's uniform, stationed himself at the copper; his pauper assistants ranged themselves behind him; the gruel was served out; and a long grace was said over the short commons. The gruel disappeared; the apostles whispered each other, and winked at Sus; while his next neighbours nudged him. Latino as he was, he was desperate with hunger, and reckless with misery. He rose from the table; and advancing to the master, basin and spoon in hand, said: somewhat alarmed at his own temerity:

"Please, sir, I want some more."

The master was a fat, healthy man; but he turned very pale. He gazed in stupefied astonishment on the small rebel for some seconds, and then clung for support to the copper. The assistants were paralysed with wonder; the apostles with fear.

"What!" said the master at length, in a faint voice.

"Please, sir," replied Sus, "I want some more."

The master aimed a blow at Sus's head with the ladle; pinioned him in his arms; and shrieked aloud for the beadle.

The board were sitting in solemn conclave, when Mr. Iscariot rushed into the room in great excitement, and addressing the gentleman in the high chair, said,

"Mr. Pilate, I beg your pardon, sir! Hey! Sus has asked for more!"

There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance.

"For more!" said Mr. Pilate. "Compose yourself, Judas Iscariot, and answer me distinctly. Do I understand that he asked for more, after he had eaten the supper allotted by the dietary?"

"He did, sir," replied Iscariot.

"That man will be crucified," said the gentleman in the white waistcoat. "I know that Haysus will be crucified."

And that's why everyone gets presents from Santa on Christmas.

This story is traditionally told on Dec. 26th...and that's where Boxing Day comes from.

Wrong Way On A One Way Herbstreet

I've been having an argument with Herb Kirkstreet about who is the best tenor: Pavarotti, Domingo or Carreras?

We both agree that head-to-head, Pavarotti is better than Carreras, Carreras is better than Domingo and Domingo is better than Pavarotti. When forced to rank all three, I put them:

1. Pavarotti
2. Domingo
3. Carreras

But Dirk Birdbeak disagrees. He insists that since Domingo is better than Pavarotti, Domingo must be rated higher. He says it "is only logical."

When I questioned whether Dork Nerdstink understood the meaning of the word "logical", he seemed to get upset. He stood and I saw something that looked like a rat running down his pant leg. He grabbed for the rat, which turned out to be a gun, and accidentally shot himself in the leg.

Hey! My Eyes Are Down Here!

Did I not post this yet? I must be losing it.

If you don't recognize the costume, it's Gir from Invader Zim.


Hey! I just noticed the tongue and zipper! Funny!

Thanks Zimbo!

Brought To You By The Wildebeat

I been watching the Flight of the Concords this week. Here's a taste of one of their songs:

Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

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I'm thinking about writing a short story. So far all I have is some character names: the protagonist, Harold Thomas Baggs; his bastard half-brother, John Thomas; and Harold's love interest, Anita Waxman.

The story will be in the action-adventure genre. Harry T. and Anita (who claims she can't stand Harry but actually has a velcro-like attachment to him) are searching for the mysterious Brazilian. The only thing that can get between them is John. Expect a lot of close shaves, smooth talking (and my razor sharp wit) as they slice their way through the forbidden jungle.

I'm trying to generate a little buzz so first I'll write a little snippet.