If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Friday, April 28, 2006


In this article, Marshal Cohen, chief industry analyst with market research firm NPD Group says:

"When gas prices go up 5 cents a gallon, that's maybe an extra $10 a week out of consumers' pockets. But when they're going up 15 cents and more, it means $20 extra a week"
Let's see. $10 / 0.05 = 200 gallons a week! Even at 10 mpg that's 2000 miles a week! And how does tripling the price increase (to 15 cents or more) only double the cost?! Is this some kind of Non-Euclidian mathematics? Perhaps he's working on proving P=NP on the side and is getting things mixed up? What else does Marshal have to say?
"Last year consumers on average spent $500 more for the year on gas. This year it could go up to $1,000. This is what Lee Scott is worried about. The average American has $2,400 in discretionary spending. A Wal-Mart shopper probably has $1,500. Now take out the $1,000 extra and what does that leave them?"
Uhm, $500? Seriously, would you take investment advice from this guy?

Maybe I Do Understand The Fatwah

I can only think of a few books in my life that I could not finish: Moby Dick, Dianetics, something by Joyce Carol Oates and, now, Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses. I figured if religious people wanted him dead because of this book, I'd love it. 10 pages and I'm falling asleep...for the second time. Maybe I was expecting something more vituperative. Here's a sample:

Exit Pimple, weeping, censored, a scrap on the cutting-room floor. Rhinestones fell from her navel as she went, mirroring her tears ... in the matter of Farishta's halitosis she was not, however, altogether wrong; if anything, she had a little understated the case. Gibreel's exhalations, those ochre clouds of sulphur and brimstone, had always given him - when taken together with his pronounced widow's peak and crowblack hair - an air more saturnine than haloed, in spite of his archangelic name. [...]
I just can't take 500+ pages of that. (BTW, that is verbatim, double-checked, even the strange spelling of "sulphur".)

And that was the last book I had on my list. So, if anyone has any suggestions that don't sound like the above please let me know.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Intruder Alert

I don't see many commercials these days and I'm usually not paying much attention to those I do see. This morning was a bit different.

There was a commercial for Flomax. I didn't see it, but looked up at the end when they listed the side effects of "runny nose, dizziness and decrease in semen." I don't drink coffee, don't shower until I'm fed and was only mid-bowl when the commercial came on so not every neuron was firing yet. Until I looked it up, I was confusing Flomax (helps those with an enlarged prostate pee) with Flonase (allergy relief, I think). I would guess this is not something these drug companies would be happy about.

Imagine something like this:

You: Doc, I saw this commercial and I'm having all the symptoms they describe. I think I need some Flomax.
Doc: Really? Well, let's take a look. Drop your drawers. Lay on the table on your side and bring your knees to your chest.
You, somewhat confused but not wanting to argue with the doctor, comply. In the background you hear the snap of a latex glove then an odd "gloop" sound. Then, without warning, you are intruded.
You think "Jesus Mother of Mary and Joseph" (since you're Jewish you have no idea what you are saying). A tear trickles out of your eye. Suddenly, the violation ends.
Doc: Everything seems normal.
You (meekly): But I'm sneezing all the time and my nose won't stop running.
Doc: Ohhhhh. You meant Flonase. Let's have a look.
You: Uh, did you change your glove?

I was going to write about the "decrease in semen" side effect but I can't come up with anything besides Navy jokes.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


Wondering why all those domain names you're looking for are taken? Here's the scam. Deposit money for registering a domain name. Put up a site on domain name that makes money via clicks. After 5 days, cancel registration and receive refund of money for domain name.

On the 31st day of March 2006, approximately 764,672 .COM names were registered. Of these names, after the five day AGP period expired, only 61,169 .COM names were actually retained.

When In Doubt, Look At Your Balls

Back when I worked at Arby's, everybody's timecards were kept in a stack on top of the timeclock. Every time you came into work you'd have to dig through this pile to find your card. One day, digging through the pile, I came across a timecard covered in writing. It said something along these lines:

I can't believe you made me clean up that mess tonight. It was horrible and nobody should have to do that. I quit and I'm never coming back. Yada, yada, yada
I didn't know the person whose timecard it was. I asked around and finally found someone that had worked that same night. Here's what happened.

Somebody had gone to the restroom, taken a dump and then smeared feces all over the walls of the bathroom. Additionally, they had decorated by sticking streamers of toilet paper to the feces. The manager told the new person (I was told it was their second day on the job) to clean it up. After they cleaned up, they finished the shift and, based on the note on the timecard, promptly quit.

This made no sense to me. To me, there were two options, clean it and stay OR don't clean it (either quit or simply refuse and risk getting fired). Why clean the sh*t if your gonna quit? I vowed to never do something like that.

The question for me now is "Is my current employer asking me to clean up sh*t?" What does the Magic 8-Ball say? Signs point to yes.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Deer Diary

It stopped raining long enough for me to take a nice long hike this morning. With so much rain yesterday and last night, the river near my place was swollen and muddy. The sound of the rushing water had some kind of magnetic effect on me. I hiked right along the edge for quite a ways eventually coming upon this:
Of course, I didn't have my camera with me so I hoofed it back home, got my camera and the fawn was still exactly in the same place when I got back. I was surprised it didn't run away. Until I tried for and extreme close-up and ended up with this:

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Take A Hike

Here's a neat little website that will allow you see how far you are walking, biking, etc. or even just measuring various distances.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

God Save The Queen

This story (as best as he and I can remember it) happened to a friend of mine a couple years ago. Fortunately he saved the evidence.

My friend goes into a room (I believe it was in the basement) and flips on the light switch. Nothing. He makes his way to the circuit breaker and finds one of them tripped. He tries to flip it back but it just flips back off.

He starts unplugging everything on the circuit. Finally, he comes to the culprit.It's name is Indiglo Montoya. It killed your light switch. Prepare to die.

How can a nightlight short out an outlet? Well, I don't think they can. But maybe Queen Elizabeth II can.

Notice how the coin has welded itself to the prongs. Apparently, my friend's kids were down in the basement, throwing money around in some kind of game and one landed perfectly behind the nightlight, slid down and shorted out the circuit. The only question left is which went out faster? The lights or the kids (out of the room)?

The moral of the story is if you like lights, don't have kids.

In The Morning, I've Got A Sword

Maybe the weirdest quiz ever.

I am a excalibur!
Find your own pose!

I Might Hate Bush

Can anyone tell me the name of the tree (or bush or whatever plant it is), currently in bloom (I think) that smells like ass? And along the same lines, why on earth would anyone plant such a horror?

Monday, April 17, 2006

Stop Running Around Or I'll Get My Pen!

I was just talking with my friend on the phone (the one I visited a couple months ago). We wrapped up our conversation something like this:

Me: Tell [your son] I said "Hi"
Friend [to son]: Jay says "Hi"
Son: To who?

One other thing we talked about was food allergies. Her son has several and they are severe enough that she has an Epi-pen nearby all the time.

After I got off the phone, I was trying to think of what's in an Epi-pen* but I couldn't think of any "epi-" word except epidural which I knew was wrong. Then I thought of some of my friends' stories about their kids, stories about my nephews and thought "Hmm, maybe an epidural pen wouldn't be such a bad idea." :)

* - It's epinephrine, BTW.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Gotta Post Something

Jesus! It is so dead at work today!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps

Perhaps if you watched Dr. Who as a kid and perhaps if Tom Baker was the actor playing Dr. Who at the time then, perhaps, you'll enjoy hearing him sing some songs.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Acid Redux

I debated whether to post this or not. Since I was debating with myself I was able to choose which side won. Post!

A few weeks ago I posted something that one person described as "vituperative". In the end we agreed to disagree.

Today, I saw this comment (to this post) by Greg Kuperberg:

"[...]I don't want to read about biting vaginas. That may have been a low point."
I'm assuming that Greg Kuperberg is the same G. Kuperberg who co-authored the paper Quantum Versus Classical Proofs and Advice mentioned in the post. I don't see anyone taking him to task for his opinion (though his comment does lack the, ahem, biting humor that my post had).

Monday, April 10, 2006

Depressing Adulation

I finally finished Camus' The Plague. What a depressing book. Here's a synopsis [skip to the next paragraph if you don't want me to "ruin" it for you]:
Here's a character. Look how interesting they are. You love this character. Now, I will kill them in the most painful way possible, taking at least two, no, three pages.

Actually it is not as bad as that. It just seems that way. Finishing this book was like have a splinter removed from my paw.

Don't bother to read this paragraph. I just need some place to keep track of my disc golf scores. Yesterday I played so badly that I lost track of my score. Today I was playing better than ever. I ended up with a 61 for 17 holes (I had to skip #14 due to a group of 6 in front of me). My previous best was a 65 for 16 holes (where I skipped #5 and #14).

Saturday, April 08, 2006


I'm reading The Plague and ran across the word "assizes" which I needed to look up. Have a guess at what it means. The answer is shown below.

What does "assizes" mean?
Periodic court sessions for civil or criminal cases
Legal liabilities based on failure to uphold a contract
Properties taken by lawful but egregious means
What a tailor does when fitting you for new pants
Free polls from Pollhost.com

You can see the correct answer by highlight the following
(the first answer is the correct answer).

I'm Gonna Kill That Groundhog

It's friggin' snowing!

Friday, April 07, 2006

How To Be A Heretic In 3 Easy Steps

Friend: I was touched by Jesus.
Me: Please show us on this doll where, exactly, he touched you.

Friend: Meat is not allowed on Fridays. Only fish.
Me: What about whale meat? That's not a fish.
Friend: Well...
Me: How about a platypus? Nobody knows what they are.

Pick just about any random post for step 3.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Yes Virginia, That Is A Potato

This is the most horrific thing I've read in a long time.

[...]a Cornell University horticulturist thinks he has the answer: Get the flowers a little tipsy with some hard liquor.
Time to call a spade a spade. This guy should change his title to whore-ticulturist. I've heard plenty of stories about what goes on up at Cornell after a little excess alcohol but this is the worst. What is he going to do with these plants after getting them all liquored up? Clearly, he will be deflowering them. And some of these plants are not even a year old! It makes me so sick, I want to switch to strict carnivorism.

Worse, alcohol is just a gateway drug. Next will be GBH, the date palm rape drug and who knows what else (if you do, send them in, I'm out of ideas).

Every day in America, how many vegetables are used for sexual purposes without their consent? The numbers, as well as the shapes and sizes, would astound you! I call for a Constitutional Amendment prohibiting people from giving drugs or taking sexual advantage of plants including fruits and vegetables. I would however make an exception for Michael Schiavo.*

* - Uhm, let me apologize in advance for this tasteless joke.

Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons!

I've got nothing to add to this.

Authorities said the shooting victim, Aristotle Garcia, got into a fight with a man who is dating his ex-girlfriend. The argument, over whether the woman let their 5-year-old daughter drink beer, escalated and drew in two other people -- Jazz Rivas and Juan Velazquez, said Police Lt. Cheryl C. Claprood.

When the baby shower's hostess tried to intervene, Rivas began hitting some of the guests, including the 22-year-old mother-to-be, with a large stick, she said.

Tantric Ice Cream

It's stuff like this that almost makes me believe there is a God and He lives inside a cow's udder.

Jay's Tantric Chocolate Ice Cream

  • 3 cups cream (not heavy cream)
  • 3/4 cups sugar
  • 1/4 cup cocoa
  • 4 oz. bittersweet chocolate
  • 4 egg yolks
  • 1 tsp. vanilla
Start heating the cream over medium heat. Sift in 1/2 cup sugar + cocoa. Whisk until disolved. Add chocolate (it's easier if it's chopped up) and stir until melted. Whisk egg yolks and remaining 1/4 cup sugar until well mixed (about 1 minute). Whisk in a cup of cream mix into egg mix (if you don't whisk you'll make scrambled eggs) then whisk all this back into cream mix. Heat to 180 degrees F while mixing fairly often. Remove from heat and chill to at least room temp (this is the tantric part considering how long you have to wait). If you're really fanatical, run it through a sieve before it gets cool. Then churn and eat...and thank me later.

Update: Whoops! Don't forget to add the vanilla. Do that after the heating.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

(Not Tom) Delayed

I admit much ignorance over this Lent thing. After reading cluefairy's comment about how her friend gave up chocolate, it reminded me of last year (or was it two years ago?) when my friend did the same. The conversation went something like this:

Me: You gave up chocolate for Lent???
Friend: Yes.
Me: Why didn't you give up something like pig snouts. That would be easier.
Friend: You're supposed to give up something important to you.

Do you know how sometimes someone says something to you and 3 seconds, or a few minutes or, even, hours later you think of the response you should have given them? Well, I just set a new record of a year (or two) delay. What I should have said was:

Me: Your religion seems important to you.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Whoa Man

Marriage in the United States of America shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman.
These words are part of at least some of the proposed Amendments to the U.S. Constitution. This would be the second Amendment to actually take rights away from the people (Amendment 18, Prohibition, being the other). This would be on top of DOMA which prevents the federal government from recognizing marriage except between "one man and one woman". Here's the problem. What makes a person a man or a woman?

See if you can answer these questions:
  • What if a person has a sex change operation? Does this change the sex of the person they can marry? If so, what if they were married pre-op? Would that marriage now be nullified? What if both spouses had operations? Instead of having the operation on purpose, what if was done out of medical necessity or industrial accident?
  • Here's a list of all kinds of anomalous sexual morphologies. Which ones count as men and which ones as women? Particularly note cases 3-8 and 13-16.
The only thing worse than an ignorant person is the politician that panders to them.