Square Is The New Black

Where to start? Let's start at the end.

In Berlin I stayed at Winter's Berlin Mitte which was a typical, pleasant European hotel. There was one weird thing about the room. Actually, it was the bathroom. Here's a picture.

I don't know if every room is the same or if I just lucked into the SpongeBob SquareAss suite. You are familiar with the saying, "You can't put a round peg in a square hole." That was coined by the first guy to stuff up one of these square toilets.

The hotel was right around the corner from Checkpoint Charlie, which frankly isn't very interesting. Also nearby, and much more interesting, was this "University" that I believe might just be a front for something else.
Also conveniently right around the corner was this embassy, formerly a pizzeria.
More to come.

You Will Not Become Rich Preventing The Camel Toe From Passing Through The Bikini

Just when I think I'm getting out...

I need a product that covers half of an ass. For example, because my company classifies the Cuchini as "adult material" I can only write a half-assed review of it, based on this Gizmodo post.

Anyway, as must be obvious, Cuchini is a combination of cooch and bikini (or maybe zucchini). My half-assed view is that it is a hard piece of leather that is inserted into a woman's...hey, don't get ahead of me here...is inserted into a woman's panties or bikini (or jeans if she's going "commando"). Kind of like a panty liner but instead of absorbing fluids, it absorbs lines/creases/crevices/cravasses (depending on a woman's age, sexual experience and whether her boyfriend is referred to as "soup can man" or not).

Unlike a panty liner, this thing does not breath (huh huh huh); it suffocates. You know the difference between the smell of feet that are in mesh sneakers versus those that are trapped in leather all day? I guess that's not an issue as anyone concerned about showing their puff daddy is probably already using some kind of nethers deodorant.

Now, attach a little motor with an offset weight and you've got yourself a product!

Hey sweetie, your phone is ringing.

Thanks to the Albaniac for this one!

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

Let's say you're in a garden. You and your spouse. And the owner of the garden plants a new tree; an apple tree. The owner tells you not to eat the apples.

Question 1: Do you eat the apples that the owner told you not to?

Question 2: If you did eat an apple, would it be acceptable for the owner to punish you? How about punishing your kids? Grand kids?

Question 3: Does the above scenario relate to slavery, Albanian blood feuds or Genesis?

Citius, Altius, Fortius

In case you don't speak Latin that means "if your sport is entirely based on judging then you can't whine about the judging when it goes against you".

And, for those that don't know, Modern Pentathlon consists of the following five sports:

1. Shooting: Air Pistol
2. Fencing: Epee
3. Swimming: 200m freestyle
4. Equestrian: Show Jumping
5. Running: 3000m cross country

None of which completely rely on subjective judging.

Fun Facts:

• The Albanians are not expected to medal in Modern Pentathlon.
• The Albanians do not have any competitors in Modern Pentathlon.

He's An Albaniac, Al-BAAAA-niac On The Floor

Very funny article on Albania's prospects for the 2008 Olympics.

Here's a sample link from it:

Start Printing The Albaniac Shirts!

Prediction for 2008:
Continued housing problems lead the US into a mild recession and popping the China stock market bubble. Civil unrest in China follows. With all the world watching Beijing because of the Olympics, its leaders dare not use military force and are overthrown.

No, no. They'd still use military force. Then the big Presidential debate would become whether the US should boycott the Olympics.

Mitt Romney will take both sides.

With the US out of the picture, Albania wins its first Olympic medal.

The British Are Coming

I got my Comfy Sack and after several days suffering from rhinovirus strain ABF (Albanian blood feud) I finally put it together and tried it out.

I was a little excited to try it.
My left hand is holding a glass of Nestea. Ahhh!


It's very soft.


Very, very, soft.

This thing is so comfortable. It's like a womb. A womb with a view (of the TV). A giant 7 1/2 foot long womb. According to my research (meaning I'm guessing) it's like laying in a Humpback whale womb.

If that sounds good to you, please help save the whales and buy a weplica womb instead.

Wenting a womb is also a possibility but much more expensive.

.
.
.

How do I get out of this #%$&@! thing!?

.
.
.

Never mind, I figured it out. You have to leave head first!

Miracle Without A Plane Crash

A couple of nights ago I was at the grocery store; Aldi to be specific. I'm at the checkout line and there are two women in front of me. The one currently checking out is trying to use her debit card and it's not working.
She explains how she just used the card earlier that afternoon. The cashier guesses that maybe she doesn't have enough money in the account (her bill is $9 and change). The customer explains that it should automatically overdraft from her savings account. After several attempts she gives up and starts going through her handbag. She finds three dollars and starts working on finding loose change.
Meanwhile, the line at the cashier (there is only one open) grows and people are starting to grumble. And then the Miracle on 7th Street occurred.
The woman in front of me (who may not have been Albanian) offers to pay the first woman's $9+ bill! She does and even refuses to take the $3+change that the first woman had scrounged from her handbag.
Wow! That's about the nicest thing I've ever seen.


Maybe I'll try to get someone to buy my groceries the next time I'm there. (That's a joke people!)

I Am Not A Crook

News Flash: Politician accused of misleading public!

Here's the quote from former White House spokesperson, Scott McClellan:

The most powerful leader in the world had called upon me to speak on his behalf and help restore credibility he lost amid the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So I stood at the White House briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior-most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.

There was one problem. It was not true.

I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice president, the president's chief of staff, and the president himself.

But wait, here's the best part of the article:

Asked about the released excerpt, White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said, "The president has not misled his spokespeople, nor would he."

Someone wants to write a book.

P.S. - This post has nothing to do with Albania, but just by mentioning that fact it suddenly does.

And Blood Feuds. They're Big On Those, Too

Albania!
Albania!
You border on the Adriatic
Your land is mostly mountainous
And your chief export is chrome!

That's about the limit for most Americans' knowledge about Albania. Here are some other facts and myths about Albania.

Fact: Albania is actually called Shqipëria, which is pronounced just the way you'd think.
Myth: Captain Lou Albano is from Albania.
Fact: From the late 1920's through the 1930's, Albania was led by the Cartoon Network's King Zog I.
Myth: Albanian's own/run all the pizza joints in New York City.
Fact: In Albania, pizza is called qzshrw, which is pronounced pete-sa.

Daily life in Albania consists of doing things like making the world's largest toothpick mosaic or setting your truck on fire because the Albanian soccer team lost to arch nemesis, the Dutch.