If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Sunday, December 31, 2006

And It Turns Your Urine Blue

Dad's out of ICU and doing well, other than being disgusted by the hospital food.

My older sister didn't visit today because she is sick. This despite taking some of that Airborne stuff. How is that possible? That stuff was formulated by a 2nd grade teacher! Who knows germs better than a 2nd grade teacher? How about a 1st grade teacher? How about anybody who took a semester of college biology?

And it has natural ingredients! Can I just point out that everyday I'm flushing natural ingredients. Also, ricin, a lethal poison, is naturally found in castor beans. How did the word "natural" become synonymous with "healthy"?

Why do people spend money on this snake oil? I will tell you why.

Because it's fizzy. People like fizzy.

Happy New Year

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Maybe It's Mulva

My mom and my sister have been staying at a hotel near the hospital that my dad is at. There was some discussion of my mom not staying there tonight because of my sister's snoring. The conversation went something like this:

Mom: Well, it's your snoring.
Sister: I snore because I breathe through my mouth.
Dad: Maybe your vulva's in the way.
Sister: What!?
Dad: Your vulva. Maybe the air can't get past it.
(I missed something at this point because I was hysterical with laughter.)
Dad: That thingee at the back of your throat.
Sister: Da-a-ad. That's your uvula.

Later, after the shift change, the night nurse came in. My dad noted that she was there the previous night.

Dad (to nurse): I'm sorry but I forgot your name. I know it started with an M.
Nurse: An M?
Dad: What is it again?
Nurse: Beryl.
Dad: Well, that's close.
Nurse (laughing): How is that close?
Dad: Uhm.....Beryl is my favorite nurse. Did I tell you how nice Beryl is?
Nurse: OK. We'll let that one slide.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Fastest Way To A Man's Heart

Everyone deals with things in different ways. Tomorrow, my dad is having open heart surgery. Here are some of the reactions so far:

  • Positivity ("He'll be fine.")
  • Empathy ("My grandpa just had that done.")
  • Apologizing ("Oh, I'm so sorry!")
  • Crying
  • Praying
  • Mothering ("Should you be eating that before your surgery?")
  • Controlling ("Here's what you must do...")
  • Supporting ("What can I do to help?")
  • Data mining ("Did you know the mortality rate for bypass surgery is only 0.2%?")
  • and, of course, Humor ("No. I didn't. But I assume if it was much higher you wouldn't be telling what it was.")
Unfortunately, my favorite will be off limits around Dad; at least until we're sure those stitches will hold.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

A Horse Doesn't Change Its Spots

Going in for major surgery, you'd think that being able to hear correctly might come in handy. Where does it hurt? Which foot are we taking off? So, you're here for your sex change? It would be good to answer those correctly.

Me: Did Mom get her appointment changed?
Dad: Mom got on an airplane???

I wonder if he has actually lost his hearing do to some physical problem or maybe it a psychological response to conversations like this:

Mom (watching CNBC): This stock is down from about 15 to less than 5 today.
Me: The results didn't look good with their drug.
Mom: They're probably a one horse pony.

Does my dad really need a triple-bypass? Or did they tell him just tell him he had "a ripply ass"? I sure hope those doctors have all their ducks in a goose.

Monday, December 25, 2006

A Christmas Story

No lighters. Here we go again. Why do people always bring lighters to the airport? Don't they know all the rules?

On the other hand, I am prepared. I have all my liquids in my zip top bag, out and ready to go.

TSA: That toothpaste is too big.
Me: huh?
TSA: I know there's hardly anything in it but the tube is too big.
Me: wha?
TSA: Do you want to take it back and check it.
Me: Uhm, no, just chuck it.

Then he eyes my deodorant. A daymare overcomes me as deodorant is banned from planes. That would be enough, the last straw. Americans will put up the pat downs and the cavity searches but we will not put up with-The Stink. What are we anyway? French?

TSA: Your bag is too big.
Me: My bag?
TSA: You're only allowed a quart-sized bag.
Me: Isn't that quart-sized?
TSA: No. This is a gallon. (he weighs it in his eyes) At least.

Now I'm getting nervous. The bag only holds my deodorant. Is he going to make me throw it away? If so, can I ask to use it one more time because I'm feeling a little sweaty. Is that White Christmas playing over the PA or the theme from Midnight Express?

I got off with a warning.

Arriving in Florida, I went with my parents for the traditional Christmas Eve dinner.

Chinese food.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Eat Sh*t And Have A Merry Christmas

Read closely. He is not the great defeater. He is not the great defector. He is El Caganer, the great defecator. And he can be found defecating in Nativity scenes and on mantle pieces throughout the Catalan region of Spain.

Nothing says "fertility and health" like a great big dump. And what could possibly more complimentary than associating you Lord and Savior with a true Yule Log?

Not only that but "pastry shops around Catalonia sell sweets shaped like feces". You think your sh*t don't stink? Well, it does. Stinks like chocolate and caramel. Or maybe marzipan.

Hey, Javier's crap is bigger than my crap.
No it's not, Paulo.
You both have the same size crap. Now stop fighting or I'll eat them and you won't get sh*t.

"[...] on Christmas Eve Catalan children beat a hollow log, called the tio, packed with holiday gifts, singing a song that urges it to defecate presents out the other end."
Many a night I have beat the hollow log until "presents" emerged from the end. Then I carefully wrap the presents in tissue paper...well, tissues,...and hide them where nobody can find them at the bottom of the garbage can.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Oh Yeah! Right There, Christmas Tree

This week on Mythbusters, they tested various methods of keeping the needles on your Christmas tree. The most interesting was adding a crushed Viagra (which, "because kids might be watching" they variously referred to as "Santa's little helper", "Daddy's little helper" and "Mommy's little helper") to the water. Incredibly, this was one of the best at keeping the needles on the tree for the six week test. Unfortunately, the tree turned a sickly color during this time. I'm sure you would too if you kept the needle on your tree for six weeks.

The absolute winner for keeping the needles on was adding bleach to the water. However, this suffered a similar problem of turning the tree a funny color. Although similar to "Santa's little helper" I would warn against you trying to use bleach to turn your softwood into hardwood.

The overall needles-on/color-good winner was: spraying your entire tree with extremely flammable hair spray. Now, combine the hair spray with this* and you've got yourself a winning combo.

(* - Thanks Zimbo!)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Sunday, December 17, 2006

The G-Shot Heard 'Round The World

Someone recently told me that "all of the posts" on my blog were about religion. I immediately pointed out my recent post on the G-shot. "I'm sure you'll make that religious, too."

So by request:

Again I tell you, it is easier for a hypodermic needle to pass through a camel toe so that a rich woman can enter the Kingdom of Oh God. Jay 6:5

Happy now?

Friday, December 15, 2006

Can I Fondle Your Subcinctorium?

Jews who are barely religious fast every year for Yom Kippur. No food, no water, no nothing from sunset of one day until sunset the next day. Muslims fast for a whole month during Ramadan. No food, water, smoking or sex from sunrise to sunset of each day. And, of course, there are several other religions that fast for various reasons.

Often the reason is some kind of generic penitence. Maybe you sold a carton of milk after its expiration date. Or maybe you looked at some Internet p*rn. Or maybe you're a lawyer. Whatever your sin, throw it in the Hopper of Redemption and you're all clear.

So, it should not be surprising that a preacher in the Vatican has called for "worldwide day of fasting" to "publicly express sorrow before God and solidarity with the victims."

I have a feeling that most of the abuse victims probably don't think that quite cuts it. A few might say it's a good idea until they found out you said "fasting" not "fisting". Ah well, they can dream, can't they?

Fortunately for those that remain in the Catholic Church, supporting pedophiles and their accomplices and acting as enablers by handing over their money, the new Pope is taking the hard line on this sort of behavior.

Last May, he disciplined the elderly Mexican founder of a Roman Catholic religious group who had been accused of sexual abuse, ordering him to retire to a life of "prayer and penitence."
Ooooh, snap!

At Least It Didn't Rain, Man

Yesterday was our holiday party. Something like 80% of the people in our division attended. Reason most often given for attending: "If this company is giving me something for free and all I have to do is go, I'll take it."

20% of the division did not attend. Reason most often given: "Mingling too high a price to pay."

Welcome to the Asperger Holiday Party, where everyone arrives, talks to the same people they talk to all day, every day and then goes home--almost like there wasn't a party at all.

Did I mention the door prizes? Since our company can't afford to give all its workers a holiday gift of some sort, they had about a dozen items ranging from a $25 gift certificate at Panera Bread (oh please, oh please, oh please!) up to a 32" LCD TV. Given the stampede out the door after the last prize was called, I'd guess most people came just for that.

The other good prize was a DVD/Home Theater System. Unlike the TV, they actually had the box for it at the party. After the guy won and filled out his paperwork (I'm assuming he's going to see that thing show up on his W-2) he started to carry the box off. Our big kahuna division manager/emcee started cracking what I assume were meant to be jokes.

BK: Do you need any help carrying that? I'll carry it for you.
(no response)
BK: It'll fit in my car. I can drop it off at your house.
(no response, the guy is just walking away with the box)
BK: Look at this guy. He doesn't even turn around and pay attention.

The guy was just about to pass me by and I swear I saw him mouth something that looked like "What a d*ck." But, to be honest, it might have been "F*ckin' dick."

As everyone was piling out of the parking lot after the Asperger party, I thought, "Well, at least there won't be any accidents because we're all excellent drivers, yeah, we're excellent drivers."

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hot Button Issue

I'm not sure if you should be reading this post at work. If you are, please keep both hands where I can see them.

The conversation (from recent Dr. 90210 show) went something like this (with info from the website in parenthesis):
("In the consultation process your doctor will educate you on the G-Spot and how to localize it.")
doctor: You're going to go into a private room, insert your finger into your vagina and feel around about 3 inches in on the top for your G-spot.

The patient leaves the current room and then comes back some time later. She is now lying on an exam table, knees bent and legs akimbo. (Man, I hope I'm using "akimbo" correctly. It's such a fun word.)
("You will be positioned on the examination table as if you are “getting a PAP smear” and the doctor will do a pelvic exam and measurement of the G-Spot based upon your direction."
doctor: You know where your G-spot is now?
patient: Yeah, I think.
doctor: OK. I'm going to insert my finger and move it around and your going to tell me the spot is further in or out, left or right. OK?

This guy creeps me out and I don't even have a G-spot.

Now, why is this doctor locating this patient's G-spot? Because she's come in (no pun intended) for a G-Shot. Here's the scoop:

The speculum, which has the location of the G-Spot on it will be inserted into the vagina and then a small needle will be used to deliver a small amount of local anesthetic in the area of the G-Spot. Then the collagen product will be injected.
Yes. The "collagen product".
[...] specifically, a collagen containing compound termed Fascian. To make Fascian, fascia is removed, carefully treated and preserved[...]
I imagine houses all across the country are being torn down to harvest their fascia. But actually "Fascian is typically processed gastrocnemius fascia." Gastrocnemius is Latin for "green onions from Taco Bell".

Now that your G-spot is the size of a house (and has the fascia to prove it), and will stay that way for up to 4 months (like 2000 Flushes) what was the point? Well, just look at these testimonials:
“During my spinning class I have this smile on my face and people think that I am enjoying my workout but actually I am sexually aroused.” [I hear ya. I hate spinning class.]

“I was driving down the freeway in LA and talking to my girlfriend from NY on the cell and all of a sudden I started laughing and she asked what I was laughing about and I told her I just got this G-Shot and I had an orgasm while driving” [Liar! Driving in LA. Sheesh.]

“After my G-Shot I get sexually aroused performing yoga” [You're doing it wrong.]

“Thanks to the G-Shot®, I am always turned on” [So was Vincent from Project Runway.]

“My G-Spot is always present and ready for action at a moments notice” [G-Spot present and accounted for, SIR!]
Hey, if you just paid $1400 for this procedure, you better think something great was happening.

Of course, everything is not cookies and sausages. There can be side effects such as "Mental preoccupation of the G-Spot", 'A feeling of always being “turned on”' (also known as a "testimonial"), "Vesico-vaginal fistula" (banned in 27 states) and "Erosion" (so be aware if you've built a house below your vagina and if it gets knocked down, be sure to harvest its fascia).

Monday, December 11, 2006

It's A Dude Ranch

I had a "conversation" with a friend a couple weeks ago that went something like this.

him: Dude, I finally got this subwoofer I've been wanting for years.
me: Uh huh.
him: Dude, this thing is big.
me: Ok.
him: No. Dude. This thing is big.
me: Yeah, Ok.
him: No. Dude. This. Thing. Is. BIG!
me: Yeah. I got it, dude. Big.

I went over to his place Friday to help him install a plasma TV (early Xmas gift for his wife). After we had it up, I asked to see the subwoofer.

him: That's it.
me: Dude. This thing is big.
him: I told you.
me: No. Dude. This thing is big.
him: I told you it was big.
me: No. Dude. This. Thing. Is. BIG!

He turned on his amps and played something while I stood right in front of it. I think my pants fluttered in the wind. Holy crap. You can not believe this thing and he barely had it on. Here's the website for it, in case your interest is piqued.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Strap On My Feed Bag

Already, I can see that if you subscribe via Bloglines there is a problem. If you're having an issue and you use Firefox 2.0 then go directly to this page and you should be able to subscribe to the correct feed that way.

I don't use IE much but it looks like IE7 has some kind of built in feed service so you can use that same link and click "Subscribe to this feed" near the top.

Part Of An "I'm Coming Unbalanced" Breakfast

I recently switched to the new Blogger beta. Hopefully, you won't notice anything except maybe that it works better/faster than before. If you do notice problems, please let me know. And now, on to the news.

I forgot to put out my garbage yesterday. This is not normally a big deal but I had planned to toss the leftover scrapple in it. I didn't want the scrapple fermenting or decomposing or whatever scrapple would do in an unrefrigerated state.

Coincidently, I started read The Lord of the Rings this week and it's got me thinking. Maybe the scrapple is like the ring. Although disgusted by it, I can't get rid of it. It has too much power. I feel like putting it in my pocketses. One offal loaf to rule them all!

It is bending my mind. I've probably got something like Creutzfeldt-Scrapple disease. Maybe it's just because it's getting late and I still haven't eaten breakfast. I've got an inexplicable urge to toast some scrapple with cinnamon.

Sing it with me:

Scrapple Jacks
Scrapple Jacks
Cinnamon toasty Scrapple Jacks!
You need a good breakfast, that's a fact
Start it with offal Scrapple Jacks
Scrapple Jacks
Scrapple Jacks

Friday, December 08, 2006

Maybe An Advent Calendar Is Next

I'm not sure how making a birth control pill chewable is good for women who are "on the go" since "[w]omen must drink 8 ounces of water with the tablet."

The other big feature of these new chewables, they come in

a credit-card sized dispenser kept inside a velvet pouch, Reichel said. That can be a bit more discreet than the big, "dial packs" in which birth-control pills usually are sold.
No word yet on when they will come out in Flintstones shapes.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Longest Yarn

It all started a couple months ago...(cue harp music)

I was think that I needed to start using up my Flexible Spending Account (FSA) money. I hadn't used any yet and didn't even remember how much I was putting in it. I checked an old paystub and computed that it was $360 for the year. I knew my contacts were $320 so that left $40.

I needed some meclizine and the only place I can find it in bulk is on the web. It's around $10 for 100 pills vs. the $6-$7 for 8 pills you normally get. I picked out a few more things on the website like ibuprofen, cold medicine, decongestant and when I went to check out, I found that a) I needed to send a copy of my driver's license because I was ordering pseudophedrine and b) I could use the FSA debit card and avoid all the paperwork hassles. I decided to do all that at home, assuming I could find the debit card.

I got home and found 2 cards. One says "Health Savings Account Card" and the other says "Spending Account Card". One is for the FSA and the other for the HSA. I figured the Spending card went with the FSA. So, I took a picture of my driver's license. Then I put all the same crap back into my cart and checked out with the debit card. Lastly, I emailed the DL pic to the online drugstore along with my order number.

Next, I went to order contacts. Uh oh, new price this year. They're now $360 instead of $320. That sucks; I just ordered all that crap and it could have waited until next year. I check but it was too late to cancel. Maybe I should get a half a year's worth of contacts for $200 and buy some prescription sunglasses with the other $120. Hmm, what to do.

A short time later I get an e-mail from the drugstore. My debit card was denied! Suddenly, it's not too late to cancel the order and I do. I order a years worth of contacts for $360.

Back at work, a little research shows that if you have the HSA plan you can't use an FSA debit card so that's why it was denied.

My company sends out an FSA balance statement. My planned yearly FSA deduction is $420. WTF? I check a paystub and sure enough, $35/month. This is really getting annoying. Now I've got $60 still to spend.

I'm at Target and I notice they have meclizine in big 32 count packs for a reasonable amount. I buy a couple packs (all they had), some ibuprofen (500!), cold medicine, decongestant (which I have to get from the pharmacist after showing my DL), the works. You can get a ton of OTC products for $60. Next day at work I submit the receipt to the FSA.

A week or so later I get a snail mail. "You're claim for OTC products has been rejected." Apparently, not only can you not use the debit card but you can't buy OTC products via the FSA if you have an HSA. Son of a b...

OK. Gotta spend this $60 on eye care. I guess I'll try out one of those online places that I wrote about. Of course, I can't find my prescription. I tear through everything, no luck. I call the eye doctor and they send me a copy.

I try the $29 place that my friend used. I'm looking for prescription sunglasses. They have a frame call "clip ins" which look like regular sunglasses. They're $59. Of course, my prescription is too strong for their regular lenses so I need to go for the Extra High Index lenses for an extra $35. Plus $14 shipping so those $29 glasses just went to $110 and I don't even get to try them on. Pass.

I got pretty far at the $39 place. Throw in an extra $9 for tint and $10 for polycarbonate lenses and why do they need my eye doctor's name and phone number? Are they going to call her? "Hey, your patient is ordering some el-cheapo glasses on the web. We just thought you should know. Put some extra lye in his drops next time." Forget that place. I don't need any lye drops.

I finally order from the $9 place, Zenni Optical. I got specs with the magnetic clip shade ($29) plus $20 for the 1.61 index lenses and $9 because of my ridiculous prescription (-8.25/-8.5). $58+$5 shipping.

They arrived today and not from Pakistan (that was the $26 place anyway). They work. They look decent. They don't give me a headache. Not bad for $60. Now, for the FSA...

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Jay, Don't Eat It! - An Homage

Those of you that read TheSneeze regularly are aware and probably a little disappointed with the lack of posts lately. I know I am. Worse is that the last "Steve, Don't Eat It!" post, arguably his funniest stuff, was over a year ago. I decided it was time to stop moping and do something about it.

My first thought was to re-visit Vol. 5 - Breast Milk. That plan quickly got Bronskied as my current girlfriend, Manolita de Palma, is udderly incapable of expressing herself in that manner. (If you're groaning at the four jokes in that previous sentence, you're in for a long read.)

"What kind of crap can I eat for this post?" I scoured the grocery store until I found the perfect crap. So perfect, "crap" is its middle name. But then there was this ominous sign:
But that's ridiculous because you can't use contractions in Scrabble!

Now, you might think that Scrapple is made from scabs, crap and apples and you wouldn't be far off. You can make it yourself if you slaughter animals at your house, have a horrible relationship with your butcher or are simply insane. Or, you can pick up a loaf like this one. It's the real McCoy.
Let's take a closer look at those ingredients.
Pork livers, pork skins, pork tongues, pork hearts, pork clovers and new pork diamonds! Sounds like that Swedish chef from the muppets. Pork, pork, pork!

I was expecting instructions along the lines of "Throw this crap away and do not eat under any circumstances!" but no such luck. Basically, you slice it up, fry it up and eat it up (and probably throw it up).

Step 1: Slice it up. It kind of looks like Halvah and smells like that chair your spinster aunt sits on without her underwear.

Step 2: Fry it up. 8 minutes a side, please. This gives you ample time to get a bucket.
Hey, look how much better it looks fried if you use a flash. Similar effect if you poke your eyes out.

Step 3: Eat it up. Wikipedia suggests it is normally eaten as a side dish to eggs and is eaten plain or with ketchup, maple syrup, dark corn syrup or apple butter. I decided to try the first three: plain, ketchup and maple syrup (because what goes better on pork than syrup?)

OK. So here's my plate. A couple eggs over-medium, three slabs of scrapple, some warm maple syrup and ketchup. Bon voyage! I mean, Bon appetit!

First the plain. The first thing you notice is that fried scrapple looks almost exactly like a potato pancake. It also tastes like a potato pancake. One that someone dropped on the street and a dog pissed on. If I eat a piece with some egg at the same time, it is completely different. Now it tastes like a potato pancake that was dropped on the street, pissed on by a dog and has egg on it. Texture-wise, the outside is crispy while the inside is like unset concrete.

Ketchup. This shouldn't be too bad. It's almost like eating a hot dog with ketchup. Right?

Wrong! Go lick your shower drain clean. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Now, do it again with ketchup. There you have it. The only difference is my shower drain is made with pigs tongues so it licks back.

Oh. Dear. Lord. Maple syrup. Now, I realize that some breakfast sausage is made with maple syrup so maybe this won't be so bad.

No. No. I'm wrong. It's bad. I'm not sure I can keep this down. Maybe I can wedge it in my esophagus with a bunch of the eggs. Imagine eating French toast out of a horse's ass. That's the experience.It is imperative that everyone reading this join a religion that would not allow them to eat this.

Now, if you'll please excuse me, I'd like a little privacy while I worship.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Need To "Nip This In The Butt"

Rep. elect Keith Ellison has apparently decided to be sworn into Congress on the Koran. And some radio host, Dennis Prager, has, apparently, decided that there are too many people like me around (and by that I mean people who have never even heard of Dennis Prager) so he's making a stink of it and now it's turned into quite a sh*t storm.

This story is almost completely uninteresting. It's the comments that make the story. I didn't even get through reading half of them but here were a couple of favorites:

To Texas Aggie Atheist:

"There should not be ANY religious book at a swearing-in ceremony. They're ALL books of fiction."

The Koran is; as is, the rhetoric of the book of Atheism, but not the Holy Bible. If it were fiction, why are there theological universities that students go to, to learn about the Bible and different events that went on before, during, and after Christ and get degrees on the subject of Christianity? Why do professors have advanced degrees in religion to which some are pastors of churches? Your claim that the Bible is fiction is way off base because if you go to a Christian book store (which you won't anyway) you will find the Bible in the NON-FICTION section. Any book of Atheists you won't find in a Christian book store. Believe or not believe what you want; but there are atheists who have done a total metamorphosis and have become Christians and not those doing the opposite.

Posted by: Duh! | Dec 1, 2006 4:02:20 PM

this just the begining.the american people need to nip this in the butt asap or we will end up like france and germany and soon to be england.this means we will be on our knees six times a day our face death for not being good little nazi oh i mean muslims

Posted by: KD,TX. | Dec 1, 2006 3:49:10 PM
I believe the liberals are more than paranoid to the point that they think this is a ultra-conservative plot being pushed by Bible-belters. How about the left's big push on abortion rights, banning ALL firearms (hey, the Second Amendment, morons), condoning alternate lifestyles (rapists, perverts, child molesters, etc..) - I think you get the drift. I can see why the ultra-conservatives are on the warpath.
Posted by: Get a Life | Dec 1, 2006 5:30:01 PM

And my favorite:

I can't believe how many of you don't know how to spell

Posted by: Astonished | Dec 1, 2006 7:54:24 PM