Please Please Kill Me Now

I've recently invented a new form of music; violently alternative Islamic rock. To share this joy with all infidels, I am changing my name to Simon Le Bomb and starting a band, Quran Quran.

The first single will be: Is There Something I Should Blow (Up)?

And, of course, we will use the same pyrotechs that Great White used.

White Is The New Black

According to News.com, Jack Steinberger thinks wind energy is a waste of time compared to solar energy. His credentials for such a statement? He won a Nobel Prize in something other than solar/wind energy, he's a director at CERN of something other than solar/wind energy. Overall, he's a smart, old guy. If you think that qualifies him, you are probably not a smart, old guy.

The article got me thinking. Is solar energy really a good idea from the perspective of preventing/reducing global climate change? Let me play devil's advocate.

Let's say we're going to cover a part of the desert with cheap solar panels that are 10% efficient. Let's also assume they absorb 90% of the light that hits them. So, of the 100% of light that hits them, 10% becomes electicity which eventually turns into heat (in the powerlines, in a motor, in a lightbulb, etc.), 10% is reflected back up and 80% is absorbed by the panel and becomes heat right away.

The other possibility is that the light hits the desert. In this case how much light is reflected and how much absorbed? I don't know. 60/40? 70/30? Let's say 60% reflected about a third of which would be directly radiated to space NOT HEATING THE EARTH.

So, is it really a good idea to cover the desert with solar cells? Are people considering the lack of reflection in their analysis? Maybe we should be covering the ocean with solar cells. And I'll just note that all the big windmills I've seen are a nice reflective white.

If only Scott Adams would read this post. He'd understand my point.

By the way, my qualifications are that I'm a smart, middle-aged guy.

She Has A Nice Badinkadink

I don't understand how this Solo Triangle music CD isn't a joke. What am I missing?

All The News That Fits In A Box

I Thought I Saw A Unicorn But I Was Upside-Down

I saw the headline "Obama's three-legged economy rescue" and I immediately thought "How is John Holmes is going to fix the economy?"

I don't know what the article said as I assumed it was Not Safe For Work.

I do like that Wikipedia clarifies that I'm linking to John Holmes-Actor (I think "actor" is being very polite) as opposed to John Holmes-Poet or Diplomat or Mercenary.

Is That A Burka You're Wearing Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Uhm, too cold and snowy to run for the second week in a row. Instead I went for a walk. Many parts of the creek near my house are frozen over. I've never seen that before. I took no chances.

Not The Women I Date, Of Course

Today, I have a little more empathy for women.

Yesterday it snowed like crazy. The weather channel promised six to nine inches.

We got three.

Maybe.

And it's just not satisfying.

Yes, today I have a little more empathy for women.

Ideas In Post Are Smaller Than They Appear

I just finished reading another large print book. The book was Don't Tell a Soul by David Rosenfelt. Quite a page turner but that's mostly because there are only four or five words per page. I never thought that my reading speed would challenge my page turning abilities. (Seriously, it's more suited to a plane trip than a book club.)

As I brought up in a previous post, the library had both regular and large print versions of this book. I planned to get the regular print but when I got to the library someone had just checked it out which is amazing considering I don't even know how most of the people at the library are able to see well enough to drive.

Anyway, my book list is exceedingly short so if you have any recommendations, feel free to leave them in the comments.

And He Stuck A Finger Up His Nose And Came Down With The Flu

Christ - from the Greek kristos meaning annointed
mas - from the Spanish meaning more

And so I give you the true meaning of Christmas.

Scene:

Somewhere in the Mideast, it is Passover, the Jewish New Year, which because of the crazy lunar calendar falls just after the winter solstice this year. There are thirteen Mexican landscapers sitting on one side of a long table having a feast. The one in the middle is Sus (soos). The tortillas have been overcooked and are crisp and crunchy. They were out of flour so they had to make them from corn (maize) and they called them maiztah.

The evening arrived; the apostles took their places. The master, in his cook's uniform, stationed himself at the copper; his pauper assistants ranged themselves behind him; the gruel was served out; and a long grace was said over the short commons. The gruel disappeared; the apostles whispered each other, and winked at Sus; while his next neighbours nudged him. Latino as he was, he was desperate with hunger, and reckless with misery. He rose from the table; and advancing to the master, basin and spoon in hand, said: somewhat alarmed at his own temerity:

"Please, sir, I want some more."

The master was a fat, healthy man; but he turned very pale. He gazed in stupefied astonishment on the small rebel for some seconds, and then clung for support to the copper. The assistants were paralysed with wonder; the apostles with fear.

"What!" said the master at length, in a faint voice.

"Please, sir," replied Sus, "I want some more."

The master aimed a blow at Sus's head with the ladle; pinioned him in his arms; and shrieked aloud for the beadle.

The board were sitting in solemn conclave, when Mr. Iscariot rushed into the room in great excitement, and addressing the gentleman in the high chair, said,

"Mr. Pilate, I beg your pardon, sir! Hey! Sus has asked for more!"

There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance.

"For more!" said Mr. Pilate. "Compose yourself, Judas Iscariot, and answer me distinctly. Do I understand that he asked for more, after he had eaten the supper allotted by the dietary?"

"He did, sir," replied Iscariot.

"That man will be crucified," said the gentleman in the white waistcoat. "I know that Haysus will be crucified."

And that's why everyone gets presents from Santa on Christmas.

This story is traditionally told on Dec. 26th...and that's where Boxing Day comes from.

Wrong Way On A One Way Herbstreet

I've been having an argument with Herb Kirkstreet about who is the best tenor: Pavarotti, Domingo or Carreras?

We both agree that head-to-head, Pavarotti is better than Carreras, Carreras is better than Domingo and Domingo is better than Pavarotti. When forced to rank all three, I put them:

1. Pavarotti
2. Domingo
3. Carreras

But Dirk Birdbeak disagrees. He insists that since Domingo is better than Pavarotti, Domingo must be rated higher. He says it "is only logical."

When I questioned whether Dork Nerdstink understood the meaning of the word "logical", he seemed to get upset. He stood and I saw something that looked like a rat running down his pant leg. He grabbed for the rat, which turned out to be a gun, and accidentally shot himself in the leg.

And A Lake Michigan Full Of Astroglide

I've got to apologize for a mistake I made at lunch the other day. I incorrectly referred to the Chicago Spire as have the shape of a "butt plug". That was wrong. I confused it with this building in London.
Here's an artist rendering of the Chicago Spire...
...which is clearly shaped like a butt screw, not a butt plug.

My bad!

Cindy Gives Him Mr. Potato Head

Sometimes I spend an inordinate amount of time on something and afterward I look back and wonder "What the hell was I thinking?"

Today was one of those days.


By the way, the actual sweet potato fries are quite good.

I Got The Scoop

New study finds that overweight kids have more headaches.

Adult obesity already has been tied to headaches, so helping kids get into the normal weight range could prevent years of pain and disability, Hershey says.

Study done by Hershey?!

Possible causes for this link:

• Other kids always yelling at them "Hey Fatty Fatty!"
• All that extra weight is stretching the skin across the top of their skulls.

But there is something that causes both headaches and obesity and so it is a likely culprit:
Ice cream!

If I Could Stop Thinking About It, I'd Be Sleeping

On my recent vacation I got a nice skullburn. It was so bad that one day I looked like a human love-meter that was pegged. Whatever I touched started to melt in my clutch. I'm too much.

Last week things started peeling. That much flesh hasn't fallen from such heights since 9/11. (Too soon?)

I had to do something so I tried moisturizer which seemed to work but only briefly. I wasn't about to bring moisturizer to work and rub it on my skull every 10-15 minutes. Plus, if I brought it in, I'd have to hide my tissues. I don't want to be one of those guys that have tissues and moisturizer on their desks. That is creepy.

It's about a week later and the peeling continues unabated (that's una-, not mastur-). And now I think the twice a day moisturizing might be making things worse. On top of that, it doesn't feel like theirs much skin covering my skull. How many layers do I have left? Pretty soon it'll be down to the bone and I'll look like I escaped from Body Worlds or something.

Chorus to a song I'm working on (to the tune of Lyin' Eyes):

You can eye my peeling hide
And it don't help to moisturize
I turned so red 'cause I'm so white
There ain't no way to defy my peeling hide

HTTP Error 417

I'm thinking about writing a short story. So far all I have is some character names: the protagonist, Harold Thomas Baggs; his bastard half-brother, John Thomas; and Harold's love interest, Anita Waxman.

The story will be in the action-adventure genre. Harry T. and Anita (who claims she can't stand Harry but actually has a velcro-like attachment to him) are searching for the mysterious Brazilian. The only thing that can get between them is John. Expect a lot of close shaves, smooth talking (and my razor sharp wit) as they slice their way through the forbidden jungle.

I'm trying to generate a little buzz so first I'll write a little snippet.

Alanis Morissette To Sing At Funeral

Freeman's relatives said he visited about half the places on his list before he died

Moral of the story is: keep your list short.

What A Pain In The Ass

You can read about the televangelist's wife and the trial that accuses her of assaulting a flight attendant on her first-class flight to Vail but, in case you don't, here's the money paragraph:

According to court documents, Brown says that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident involving Victoria Osteen and said her faith was affected.

Equivalence Is Hard To Type

:) - classic smiley

:-) - alternative smiley w/ nose

:--) - Jewish smiley

(:--) - observant Jewish smiley w/ yarmulke

C(:≡-| - Hasidic Jewish non-smiley w/ big hat and peyes (those crazy sideburns)

They never smile.

BRB LOL WTF?

I drove into the city yesterday. I took the GWB to the CBE to the HRD to the FDR to the UES.

There's some major construction going on on 2nd Avenue (for the new subway line) and there are 2 or 3 lanes closed in a few spots. I was driving through one of these spots, directly behind a Post Office truck. We were in the left most lane that was open, right against the construction barriers.

Ahead, there was a forklift moving some construction material around. As the P.O. truck was going by him, he backed out of the construction zone. BAM! He smashed right into the side of the truck. The trucked then stopped in the middle of 2nd Ave. with me stuck behind him.

Balancing out this horrible tragedy, I was able to find a parking spot on 76th Street.

Karma.

Going home, I left the UES via the FDR which I took to the HRD and on to the CBE across the GWB and yada, yada, yada.

Also, Self-Cleaning Oven

After many months/years of looking for both, I find there are many parallels between what I look for in an apartment and what I look for in a woman. Let's go to the tale of the tape:

Apartment	Woman
Post-war but not new construction	not too old or too young
high floor	tall
1 bedroom	no kids
Outdoor space	likes outdoors
Walk to Central Park	fit
Separate fridge to keep wine at optimum temperature	not too whiny
low maintenance	low maintenance
nice view	nice to view
Blinds	sees
Brazilian hardwood	Brazilian wax
Plenty of space for my junk	Not too much space for my junk