If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Perhaps He Was Supposed To Be Señor Manager, In Charge Of Landscaping?

I received this email today at work (names changed to protect the innocent...meaning me)

From: Head, Richard
To: Head, Richard; [yours truly], Jay


Dick Head
Senior Manager
etc. etc.
Just to be clear, I have no idea who this Dick is. I've never heard of him. I've never worked with him. But, based on what I do know about him, he probably should not be a Senior Manager. I think that "Ability to properly use email" should be a minimum qualification for that job.

Prairie Dogging Eliminated

Based on my last post post, someone sent me a link for a "weight gain" device.

I told them that anyone that says they've gained weight using that device is just full of sh*t.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Yo Fatso!

When I was in high school I used to this disgusting "weight gain" powder. Not only did it taste like cement, it did not work. I was thin as a kid. I was thin as a young adult. I'm thin now. I'm beginning to doubt that will ever change.

Tonight I was watching the Track & Field Championships and they are showing the Men's High Jump. One guy is getting ready to jump and Dwight Stones says

"Now this guy is a beast. 6'6" 184 lbs."
In the world of elite high jumping, someone my size is considered "a beast". In the world of engineering, not so much.

The next guy up was described as having a perfect build for a high jumper. He was 6'3" 134 lbs. In case you think I mistyped, that was six-three, one hundred thirty four pounds.

As I re-read this post it reminds of a quote from Planes, Trains and Automobiles
"[...]when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea - have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!"

Monday, August 27, 2007

Another Reason Not To Shake Hands With Politicians

I try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that in a public restroom, tapping your right foot is "a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct." I plan to inject my legs with Novocaine the next time I go to the bathroom.

I learned this lovely tidbit, thanks to Senator Craig of Goddammit-I'm-Not-Gay Idaho and his airport bathroom antics. Of course, despite pleading guilty, he denies any misconduct. He actually said

"I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously."
Tell me that's not a euphemism for "charming the one-eyed spitting cobra".

Feel free to read the rest of the article.

Update! Editorial cartoon on same subject.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Is Everything Really Better With Blue Bonnet On It?

Just about anything is better with chocolate. Peanuts. Raisins. Bananas. Pancakes. Sex. Pretzels. Milk. Even beer (well, Kölsh beer, at least).

Here's one thing that's not on that list. Kimchi. If you're not familiar with this Korean dish, it is most often cabbage fermented in a solution of salt, garlic, scallions and ground (hot!) peppers. If you've never tasted it, imagine sauerkraut with Tabasco mixed in. Got it? OK, now add a lot more Tabasco and you've got an idea.

And so, it was with great trepidation that I approached.
Yes, you read that correctly. Kimchi Chocolate. A more foul combination I cannot conceive. [Wait! Peanut Butter Fish Milk Cheese! Yeah. That is much worse.]

After eating my lunch I opened the package. The tiny square was scored for four pieces. I broke one off and popped it into my mouth.

First, the chocolate sucks. Worse than Hersey's. It is grainy and hardly has any chocolate flavor. Next, a weird off-taste hits. Maybe it's the sourness. It doesn't last long. Then I swallow and that's when the peppers hit. Holy syphilis that burns! Yuck!

Now comes the hard part; trying to convince everyone else at the lunch table to try it. Wusses! I even ate a second piece of that chocolate barf.

Finally, someone took a square, cut off a tiny bit and ate it. They went through some histrionics and nobody else dared try any.

I went back to my desk with the one square I had left. As I approached my cube, I saw one of my cubemates engaged in conversation with my manager. I walked over to the two of them and said, "Anybody want a piece of chocolate?" Without even looking at my cubemate, I quickly added, "Oh, I've only got one left," and I shoved the rancid browness directly in front of my manager. He greedily took it with his small rat-like hands and gobbled up the offering. I turned away, trying not to laugh too loud.

"Thanks, Jay. That's pretty good," was his initial response. A few seconds later came, "Oh my! That's different! Spicy!" And he quickly left the area. Heh heh heh.

We Don't Need No Water Let The Mother%@#$ Burn

"It was monstrously painful. I was burning like a torch. I don't know what I did to deserve this."
I'm sure it was something horrible. It always is...the guy's fault, I mean. Look at recent news. Michael Vick will probably spend 2 or 3 years in jail for killing some dogs while Mary Winkler got 2 months for killing her husband.

If only Michael had thought to use the excuse that the dogs made him engage in sex and wear slutty outfits, he might be playing football this fall.

Well, that and being white.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Let's Do A Bear Bong

Read this story about a guy found half-eaten in a bear cage. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Here's my theory on what happened: the took off his clothes and smeared some honey on his manhood hoping the bears might lick it (and him) off. Oops!

If you've got a better theory, I'd love to hear it. Leave it in the comments.

Size 12, You Said?

This weekend I called a friend's house to see if he wanted to go do something. The conversation went like this (names changed to protect the innocent):

phone (women's voice): Hello?
me: Hi Joan! [his wife]
phone: It's Steve. [his son]
me: Oh, Steve...uh, is your dad around?
Sorry Steve! Give it a couple more years and no one will mistake you for your mother. Or sister.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

This Post Is Temporarily Out Of Order

Apparently I was constiposted for a week. That's when you don't post anything for a while and then all kinds of crap gets posted in s short amount of time. If you are wonder who coined that phrase, it was me, just now. Consider yourself lucky to be in the shadow of the original constipostion.

I just learned of new service, numbr.com, which was created by the craigslist people. It allows you to create a temporary phone number, in any of a bunch of cities around the US, and forward the calls to your regular phone. The original purpose was to allow people to put a phone number in their craigslist ads without having to reveal their real numbers.

As soon as I figure out something useful to do with this, I'll let you know and then you can call me and tell me what a stupid idea it is.

Monkey Predicts Four Rejections

For those who don't know, I've been creating crossword puzzles lately. I finished three already and have submitted two to the NY Times for publication. I heard back regarding my first puzzle and the answer was, unsurprisingly, no. The good news is that although the rejection was a generic form letter, they included general guidelines for the puzzles they are looking for. The first puzzle had far too many clues. (I think the second puzzle I submitted will fail for the same reason.)

If you're interested you can get a printable copy of the crossword or e-mail me if you want an electronic version.

Monday, August 13, 2007

The Jay Jay Post

About once a month or so, I make a visit to Aldi. For those of you who don't know, Aldi is a mostly very cheap, mostly store-brand, bad-part-of-town (cheap rents) kind of grocery store. The store's are small and have a limited selection of a few hundred items (many of them junk food). The dairy section is probably smaller than the milk section at your supermarket. The vegetables could all fit in the lettuce section. The fruits wouldn't even fill the apple section.

The store brands have various names: Casa Mamita for Mexican food, Millville for cereal, Fit & Active for "healthy" food, Grandessa for "fancy" food, etc.

Today I was browsing the Personal Care section. This section has a multivitamin, decongestant, antihistamine, deodorant, etc. Until today I had never noticed the feminine hygiene products (pads and tampons). What caught my was the brand name.

I kid you not. If you don't believe me here's the trademark registered at the USPTO.

I didn't see condoms, but I assume those would be Nipees brand or something like that.

Now You Too Can Play With My Monkey

Here's an update for those of you wondering who, if anyone, is beating my monkey.

So far, it has been a tame year for hurricanes in the Atlantic. Because of this, both the NOAA and William Gray of Colorado State have lowered their predictions for the number of hurricanes this year to nine and eight storms, respectively. Apparently, the NOAA and Gray feel that predicting hurricanes is equivalent to Microsoft's "Estimated time to download" applet that bounces between 4 hours and 3 hours and never actually ticks down the seconds. It might as well say "Random amount of time".

I thought, if these guys can change their predictions than maybe I should play with my monkey again and see what he spits out. Alas, I was too tired yesterday to shoot my monkey on the stairs. So, tonight when I get home, I'll grab my monkey and see if we have a new prediction.

If anyone else would like to use my monkey for a prediction. Please send you name, question and topless photo to monkey at talljay (dotcom of course).

Monday, August 06, 2007

You're Making A German Spectacle Of Yourself

I hate posting another YouTube clip but this one is worth it. Give it a minute or so to get to the good parts.

This Will Get You Going

I'm not sure what to say about this commercial but you'll probably need to watch it at least twice to catch all the innuendo.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Do The Limb-o

Two interesting stories today:

The first is about a man with an over-used limb.

The second is about a man with an over-used limb.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

The Lights Are On But Nobody's Home

I gotta say, I love this "every Wednesday is a vacation day" plan. I feel refreshed and revived. Well, until this morning I did.

I was heading to work. Driving down a steep hill, there is a cop at the bottom (on the corner of the cross street) with his lights on. He appears to be parked (maybe giving someone a ticket or something) but I approach slowly anyway. The street I'm on is the through street. The cross street has a stop sign.

I'm about 3/4 of the way down the hill when the cop, lights still on, moves toward the intersection. I assume he's going through and slow down even more. He's just sitting there. Does he not think he can get through? Does he think I'll speed up? I slow almost to a stop and just feet away from the intersection and...

he turns off his lights. I continue through the intersection and in my rearview mirror, I watch the cop cross the intersection.

To serve and protect and drive like shit. And people are surprised when they hear about cops on the take.