If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

I Come In Faith

I'm carrying a bag from Target when I notice the warning label. I've seen it before but this time I really took notice.

WARNING: To avoid danger of suffocation, keep this plastic bag away from babies and children. Do not use this bag in cribs, carriages, beds or playpens.
The first line is trying to prevent lawsuit by people with no common sense. The second line is trying to prevent lawsuits by people too ignorant to know that cribs and playpens are associated with babies and children.

And maybe, like me, you're thinking: Lawyers! F*cking lawyers. God damn lawyers.

Then it hit me. It's not the lawyers; it's the religious nuts. But they're not nuts. They're ignorant and unquestioning in their faith. Carbon dating is flawed. The world has only been around for 5000 years. Touching the flesh of swine is an abomination unto God...well, until 2000 years when God changed his mind. The theory of evolution is just a theory and an incorrect one at that. Says so right there in Genesis.

These are the kind of people who would puts bags in cribs for their babies to play with. Without those warning labels there would be a lot less zealots making more zealots. But that would be bad for the churches, because they make a living off the zealots ignorance. The churches, however, are not lead by ignorant zealots but by con men. These con men know they need as many zealots as possible so they got some lawyers (probably Jewish lawyers) to sue everybody about bags, hot coffee or wearing your seatbelt; anything that common sense would normally protect against, they wanted to be doubly sure.

It's a brilliant plan. Keep those zealots reproducing while all the negative crap gets blamed on lawyers and Jews.

Now you'll excuse me, I've got a case of the hiccups.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Mr. Cookie

There is no Veggie Monster.

Yesterday's lunch was interrupted with the disturbing report by a colleague that Sesame Street was renaming Cookie Monster to Veggie Monster to promote better eating habits. That appears to be nonsense.

Much better would be to change Cookie's name to Veggie and Grain Monster. And I have just the thing for him made almost entirely of oats, wheat, sugar cane, cocoa, soy and peanuts. Wait, do legumes count as veggies? How about Veggie, Grain and Legume Monster? Yeah, catchy.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Merkin - Beard

This is embarrassing but for almost 20 years I've been browsing the Weddings/Engagements page of the Sunday paper and for the worst possible reason.

I just happened to look at the page one day and I saw Jane White and John Rice and the headline: White - Rice. I'm making up those first names but the last names are real. Thus started my quest for interesting name combinations and that's why I check the page every Sunday. I will note that I have never run across another interesting combination since White - Rice.

This past Sunday, I'm doing my normal browse when a picture catches my eye. Could that be? I check and the announcement confirms it. Charles and Keith got married. Now, maybe if you live in NYC or Massachusetts seeing an announcement for two men getting married is old hat but here in the Bethlehem, Nazareth and Emmaus (trust me, it's one of those cities, or don't trust me) area this is a big deal.

It took me a few seconds before I noticed that the headline for the happy gay couple was Frank - Baggs.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Holy Sh*t

Almighty Cleanse.

What in the world could that be? Well, if nothing else it is the greatest infomercial ever.

Unfortunately, I missed about half. In the half I did see, the guy being interviewed, Danny Vierra, quoted Bible verses about Jesus curing blindness using mud and his spit and Isaiah telling someone to cure puss sores on his groin by holding figs on them (which is not quite what it says in Isaiah 38).

Then he somehow tied these verses into the need to use the Almighty Cleanse (noisy link) to stimulate "your digestive system to cleanse from within" and draw "toxins out of your system". Brilliant!

A quick look at the ingredients shows that these products might actually do something. Part 1 contains senna which acts as a laxative (think Senokot). Part 2 contains psyllium which is used as a bulk-prodiing laxative and fiber supplement (think Metamucil).

But the idea to combine religion and snake oil is brilliant. Both rely on people who refuse to do any critical thinking.

If you found your way here looking for information on whether you need this product, ask yourself this question: Does God give a sh*t about what's in your colon?

I Could Only Feel More Secure If I Was Wearing A Maxipad With Wings

It's 2am. My alarm, wait that should be alarms, won't go off until 3:30 but I don't think I'll get back to sleep. I'm right.

I head out to Newark with my plastic bag full of 3 oz. or less bottles. That includes my contact lenses which are a kind of gel immersed in liquid and a definite threat to a plane.

I arrive at the security line around 5:30am. There's not many people at the airport, mostly older folks, because they can't sleep anyway. Apparently, they don't fly much either.

Security: You need to take off your shoes.
Old guy: Heh?
Old guy: My shoes?

And they don't hear so well. I can afford to be patient since I'm early. I watch the poor old guy try to untie his shoes and I'm thinking, "That's why they make those velcro shoes."

Security: YOUR COAT.
Old guy: Heh?

If my flight was at 5:55 instead of 6:55 it wouldn't have been so funny.

I go through and the security guy asks, "Is this your bag?" He's pointing at my regular bag, not the one with all my little liquid bottles. I figure I must have forgotten something. He brings the bag over to the stainless steel inspection station. There is another guy sitting at the far end of the table trying to put his shoes back on.

Security: Do you have a lighter in your bag?
Me: No.
Security: The X-ray showed something that looked like a lighter.
Other guy (slurring and obviously drunk at 5:30am): They won letyu have no lighter.
While the security guy relieves my luggage of the hiccups, the drunk guy continues.
Other guy: Noheven one.
Other guy: Tookem all five uvamine.
It's hard not to laugh. The guy going on and on about his lighters. I know you're not supposed to joke around in the airport security area but this is too much. Luckily, the security guy pulls out what he thinks was mistaken for the lighter.
Security: What's this?
Me: It's a hairbrush.

I should note that it is a folding hairbrush and at first glance, it's not apparent what it is.
Other guy: Your lucky snot a ligher.

A security guard who was really on the ball should take one look at me and ask "What do you need a hairbrush for?" but luckily this is Newark, where bombs get through but not hairbrushes and certainly not lighters. And I was on my way.

P.S. I came home on a late flight and arrived at my house close to 1am.

At 3:30am, the two alarms I forgot to turn off when I left woke me up.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Read This Blog, Only $25/day!

I am officially declaring the parking situation at Newark Airport out of control. A quick look at the on-airport parking shows rates rates ranging from $36/day for valet, $24/day for what most people call the monorail lots and $15/day for the "BFE*, take the bus and hope you actually make your flight" lot.

The prices for the monorail lot and BFE lot are now double (were $12 and $8, respectively) from what they were in the 1998/1999 time frame.


  • Security - F*ck you, there is no more (nor need for more) parking security than 8 years ago. I've already blogged about the rest of their crack (maybe on crack) security team
  • New parking garages - F*ck you, there's no parking garage in the monorail or BFE lot. Charge whatever the f*ck you want in the garage.
  • Other airport projects - F*ck you, there are already taxes and fees up the wazoo for those and they have nothing to do with parking
  • Port Authority ridiculous salaries, subsidies for other PA projects and the dumb ass leasing agreement with Newark (note how the previous agreement was valid until 2031!) - That's a lot of f*ck you's
Of course, I don't park at the airport.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

* - definition (may not be work safe)

Friday, November 17, 2006

Break One And It's 2000 Years Of Bad Luck

You may have heard that Toys for Tots turned down a donation of talking Jesus dolls a few days ago. In explaining their reasoning, the VP of the foundation said, "We can't take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family."

"I believe as a churchgoing person, anyone can benefit from hearing the words of the Bible," said the clearly impartial head of business development for the talking Jesus doll company.

Today, they repented and said "Toys for Tots has found appropriate places for these items." Although they did not say where these dolls were destined, yours truly has discovered that it will be here. All the dolls are being reprogrammed to groan in Aramaic.

Also, a Danish company is rumored to be working on a similar Mohamed doll however it is not considered offensive enough to release.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Jazz Hands

Unsurprisingly, only 2 people responded to the "How often do you masturbate?" poll from a few days ago.

Surprisingly, the answers they gave were "Always" and "Most of the time". On one hand, you would think that people masturbating that much wouldn't have time for a poll at all. On the other hand, maybe this just shows their passion for the subject. Or maybe they have three hands, so answering a poll really doesn't interfere.

Do I hear applause?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A Crowning Achievment

It's been a while since I had a good post about the restroom (some might say I've never had a good post about the restroom but they're just critics). So, on to the john.

As I've previously described, the closest bathroom to my cube contains two urinals and two stalls (one tiny, one expansive). It was a few weeks ago that, sitting in the big stall, I noticed someone walked into the tiny stall, did a kind of pirouette, then left without, umm, using the facilities. I thought that was a bit strange.

Last week I went into the bathroom to find the big stall taken. Usually, I'd either return later or use a bathroom further away but that day things were a bit urgent so I decided to just suck it up (so-to-speak) and use the tiny stall. I found the reason for the pirouette. The lock did not work. I puckered down the hall to the other bathroom.

That brings us to today. I'm leisurely riding high on the big throne in the big stall when someone came in and walked into the tiny stall. They tried several times to get the latch to work. I waited for the pirouette but was surprised when they dropped trow and sat down. I could tell by the floor shadow that their door was ajar.

Someone else came in to use a urinal. "Squeeeeeak" went the door as the guy slowly pushed it closed. His arms weren't quite long enough though. He couldn't keep it pinned. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. I started laughing that closed-mouth, snorty, quiet kind of laugh. Squeak. Squeak.

I told myself it wasn't funny.

Squeak. Squeak. Then, resignation. The door was ajar again. I couldn't take it anymore.

It's not often you leave a bathroom because you think you're going to explode.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

"[...] Highs and lows make you feel that things matter, but they're nothing."

"So what's something?"

"Being reliable is something. [...]"

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Do Polls Rub You The Wrong Way?

Based on a recent comment, I thought I'd try my hand at this poll thing. Here's what came out:

How often do you masturbate?
Most of the time
Free polls from Pollhost.com

On a completely unrelated topic, what's with the jumping robot during Fox NFL games?

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Remember, Remember

For those that did not attend a Guy Fawkes party this past week, here's the kind of thing you missed:

A 22-year-old man suffered internal injuries after lighting a small firecracker he had inserted into his buttocks
I did my best to try and find the pictures on the Web but without luck.

This was the closest I could find.

Not An Abortion Post

The tax man doesn't cometh.

Or, if you're not a eunuch, cover your mousy dong with one of these.

I have rewritten an Irish lullaby to commemorate Bangalore's new name.

Bangalore has died
You can kiss your job good-bye
Senator John McCain continues his move to the right by quitting the board of Gallaudet, a deaf liberal arts school.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Abortion Post

If you're reading for the humor, this is not a post for you.

I was browsing through some of the exit poll questions (from the Casey/Santorum race) and ran across this one:


TOTAL Santorum Casey, Jr.
Always Legal (24%) 16% 84%
Mostly Legal (35%) 28% 72%
Mostly Illegal (24%) 59% 41%
Always Illegal (14%) 72% 28%

I'll ignore the obvious part of the numbers (more legal means more Casey, more illegal means more Santorum, duh). I'd like to know if that was the way the the question/answers were worded. Do 24% and 14% of the people surveyed really think that "Abortion should be "always legal" or "always illegal"? Do people understand the meaning of the word ALWAYS.

Who thinks abortions should be legal late in the ninth month of pregnancy?

And who thinks ectopic pregnancies should be illegal to abort?

So what's the deal? Do people not think about stuff like this? Do people not understand the difference between "Mostly" and "Always"? Or are they answering a different question?

Stick Out Your Neck Hole

Just got my flu shot. Looking at last year's post on this subject I note no adverse reaction to the shot but a certain predilection for Shakespearean post titles.

As I walk in to the shooting room, people walking out (actually, only the men walking out) are either tucking their shirts back in or putting them back on. I'm wearing a mock turtleneck shirt today. I push the sleeve up to expose most of my triceps but that's about it. I ask wear the shot needs to go. "In the [something] deltoid," says the guy giving the shot.

Fortunately, I'm skinny and my shirt is stretchier than expected and I pop my shoulder up through the neck hole a little.

Me: "That enough?"
Shooter: "Fine."
(pause as he uncaps the needle)
Shooter: "You're gonna feel a little prick."
Me: "Like Mark Foley."
(pause for the shot)
Shooter: "That's a light colored shirt. Do you want a Band-Aid?"

Hopefully my reaction to the shot will be the same as the shooter's reaction to my joke.

To Be By Or Not To Be By

Has it started happening yet?

I only briefly tuned into election coverage and it looked like, as predicted, the Democrats would take control of the House. Once this is conclusive, I expect House Republicans to start calling for the Democrats to be bisexual and "work across the aisle" and all that nonsense--just like the Democrats did 2 and 4 years ago.

You can usually tell winners from losers using the bisexual test. Losers almost always want to be bisexual. Don't confuse this with someone claiming they will be bisexual before the election. Those people have a different title. They are liars. Unless, of course, they lose, in which case their call to be bisexual will be even more vociferous. No, no, they are still liars, because before the election they claimed to be bisexual and after they want their opponents to be bisexual.

Update: Apparently, the auto-spell check/correct knows the word "partisan" but if you preface it with the letters "b" and "i", it gets corrected to "bisexual". Also, just "b" followed by an "i" gets corrected to the word "by". My apologies to my readers but at least now you can understand what I was trying to say.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Fat Bottom Girls Make Pastors Go "Around The World"

Although it is meant seriously, this is the funniest thing I've seen on the Haggard story. Here's a snippet but you really, really, really, need to read the whole post.

Most pastors I know do not have satisfying, free, sexual conversations and liberties with their wives. At the risk of being even more widely despised than I currently am, I will lean over the plate and take one for the team on this. It is not uncommon to meet pastors’ wives who really let themselves go; they sometimes feel that because their husband is a pastor, he is therefore trapped into fidelity, which gives them cause for laziness. A wife who lets herself go and is not sexually available to her husband in the ways that the Song of Songs is so frank about is not responsible for her husband’s sin, but she may not be helping him either.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

That's Not Egg On His Face

OK. Just from the title you should realize this post is about pastor Haggard (adjective - a : wild in appearance b : having a worn or emaciated appearance).

"There is part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life,"
says Haggard in a letter. What he means is that he finds himself repulsive and that if he can make others feel worse about themselves then, relatively, he'll feel better.

His wife said that
while her heart is broken, she remains "committed to him until death do us part."
"Committed" being the operative word there. Wake up lady, your husband is gay. And not like the nineties. Unfortunately, she's not allowed to think for herself. The Bible tells her what to do, like a Stepford Wife. You will forgive. You will not put anything asunder that God has joined. You will only cast a first stone if you are without sin. Try joining the Church of Self Respect.

And while the accuser says he came forward, um, I mean, he came clean, um, I mean, he went public because he couldn't stand the hypocrisy of Haggard supporting a Colorado Constitutional Amendment limiting marriage to be between one man and one woman, I don't see the hypocrisy there. If Haggard wanted to marry Jones, that would be hypocrisy. If Haggard was supporting an Amendment that prohibited married men from having sex with male prostitutes, that would be hypocrisy.

There's probably a word for a man who heads a church, supports an amendment to prevent gays from marrying and has sex with a male prostitute. I'm sure there's one in German. If there's not already one in English, Haggard sound good.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Tip #2: Bring Paper Towels

I ran today, nearly 9 miles. The weather was very nice, maybe a bit cold (41 degrees F when I started). The place I run is also a bridle path. I didn't see any horses today but clearly I had just missed them, and that brings me to my

Running Tip of the Day

When running on a cold day, there are many tricks to getting/staying warm: wearing a hat, wearing dark clothes, running in the sun vs. the shade. I don't think these will come as a surprise to anyone.

Jay's Tip #1 - If you happen to be running on a bridle path, the second grossest way to obtain some temporary warmth is to run near freshly deposited horse manure.

The grossest way, I assure you, is to trip while trying to use Jay's Tip #1.

Friday, November 03, 2006

And Winner Of The Most Offensive Award Show Is...

Latinos once again dominated the Latin Grammys when winners were announced last night.

The Latin Grammys have been dominated over the past several years by people like Colombian singer Shakira and Herve Villachaize (who is actually French but often mistaken for Mexican).

Non-Latino musicians rallied today against what they called a "clear and unambiguous prejudice" against them in the awards. "It's like they don't even consider us," complained a clearly offended Peter Frampton who came alive as he spoke.

Asked why there have been no protests before--even though this was the 7th year that Latinos have swept the awards--spokesman Johnny Mathis began, "Chances are..." but was cut-off as angry protesters started yelling racial slurs, such as "Hey, bring me a taco!" and "Do you have chimichangas?" at workers heading into the restaurant across the street.

The manager at the Taco Bell had no comment.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Look At The Glass As One-Eleventh Full

This news article states that in 22 recent tests where they attempted to sneak fake bombs (or other devices) through security at Newark Airport, only 2 were caught and the others got through. Many people will harp on how much money has been spent on security with little to show for it. Many will exclaim that we need to spend more on people/equipment/training. Many will say that this is exactly why we need to vote for Republicans/Democrats (as my wise grandmother often said, they're all crooks).

If we assume that there are plenty of imbeciles ready to meet their 70+ virgins*, and if we assume they are in the country, and if we assume they can get/make explosives then why aren't planes exploding out of the sky?

So what is the TSA doing about the security at Newark? Don't they are vigorously investigating and will certainly find the problem...the person who leaked the story.

* - I've got to point out that this is the one of the stupidest religious enticements ever. To paraphrase "It's the eternity, stupid!" With a finite number of virgins, the percentage of time spent deflowering approaches zero. Alternatively, you can spend eternity with virgins by not f*cking them but that sounds like it would be hell.

You Won't Believe Your Eyes

Long ago there were $39 glasses.

Then came $29 glasses. (A friend bought from there and seems satisfied.)

Then there was the $26 glasses. Here's a funny comment from someone who bought from there: (source)

Comments: The package was unusual and shipped from Packistan [sic]. It was cloth that was sewn shut with what looked to be a wax seal. Not bad, just unusual. The case was the cheapest plastic one I have ever seen. I don't care really, just pointing it out. The cloth inside was FILTHY and that is the only thing that really annoyed me about this order. The glasses are good. I ordered glass and they are a bit heavier than my wife is used to, but they do have plastic also I just picked the top choice which is glass. The lenses seem to be thinner for the same RX. Not sure if that is glass vs. plastic or what. They replied back to my e-mails very quickly. The tracking they provide is "it is shipped". The package required a signature, so be aware of that as at least my postal guy is too lazy to come to the door and just sticks the note in the box which delays it at least a day.... But the speed and cost on this one far exceeds the small annoyance of a dirty rag.
And then came $19 glasses. Comments such as "What kind of crap can you get for $19?" and "The price os glasses is dropping faster than our stock!" were heard. But this company did not stand still, introducing $16 glasses, $13 glasses and, yes, believe it, $9 glasses. That's frames, polycarbonate lenses, UV and scratch coating! OK, OK, plus $5 shipping. And they're eligible to be paid for via pre-tax Flexible Spending Account. So, if you're in a high tax state, it's like they are paying you to buy their glasses!

I don't even think you can make glasses this cheap with slave labor. I mean, slaves need to be fed and clothed and housed. Hmmm, maybe child slave labor, they're smaller and don't eat so much...

BTW - I have no affiliation with any of these sites. I don't get any kickbacks from them or anything like that. I DO find them strangely fascinating.