Let's Give'em A Hand

This weekend in NYC included dinner at Vatan (which is delicious but too much food for too much money, if that makes sense). If you go and can eat the whole battered/fried pepper that comes with the appetizer tray then you have my utmost respect.

After that, we moseyed on over to the Found Footage Festival which was hilarious! There are some clips on YouTube including this one.



And if you are NOT at work, the festival included parts of this one.
Did I mention this is not safe for work?
NSFW!

Update: I don't know why the embedded version of this did not work. But it is still NSFW!

Update 2: I completely forgot to include this photo of me and, uhm, yes, it is exactly what you think.

Here's The Buzz

Best Woot write-up in a while.

Sounds like Melissa’s playing electric football again. It’s great that my wife is becoming such a football fan, even if she only wants to play it by herself.

I'd Feel More Comfortable If The Gift Horse Had No Teeth

In a recent bout of cleaning I came across (maybe I should say "happened across") a coupon for "one bl*wjob, no strings attached". There is no expiration date but I have no interest in using it due to "chomp anxiety". I did try using it with a recent date but she said she didn't accept competitor's coupons. :-(

If anybody wants it, let me know. IANAL but it seems like an enforceable contract to me. The coupon has no cash value (wouldn't that be prostitution?).

What A Feeling!

I don't know what this has to do with diversity but it sure fits the HoldTheMilk theme.

Thanks Zimbo!

Sir, How Many Face Lifts Have You Had?

There is a joke about the perfect woman, who is 4 ft. tall, has no teeth and a flat head (to put your beer on).

There is a similar joke about the ideal man and it goes something like this.

Billy Mays Could Sell It

"What is a pedoflop?" asks the commercial on TV.

Someone incapable of hooking up with the kiddies?

"You can simulate the Big Bang," continues the TV commercial.

What is this product? Virtual reality molestation software?

Maybe I'll just turn the TV off instead of half paying attention.

Spreading The News

Breaking News:
Bozo the Clown is not John McCain's Vice Presidential pick. This is confirmed by two of my sources: Kamans Ents and Hooda F. Kairs.

And now for the important stuff, CNN has an article with eight bad reasons to have sex. In the interest of balance, here is the view from a possible hookie.
Revenge - "Hooking up with his best friend because you're angry at your boyfriend will get you nowhere." Until my friends get better taste in women, there's nothing to worry about here.
Ego Gratification - "You must be fine if that scorching hot bartender took you home." Wow, that would take some heavy duty beer goggles!
Appliance Envy - I'll crank the AC down to 72 and then we can heat things up with my 52 incher!
Weight Loss - "a 120-pound woman burns only 57 calories during 15 minutes of sex." That's the same number of calories as a dead fish. Try being a little more active.
Clarity - Apparently, you are actually a lesbian but unwilling to admit it. Maybe that's why you only burn 57 calories during sex.
Mercy - "Misery loves company -- good luck getting him out of your apartment." That's why you should go to his place.
Quid Pro Quo - "Just because he bought you a lobster doesn't mean you need to give up dessert." If you never buy dinner, then it is quid pro quo.
Fame by Association - "fame is not transmissible through intimate contact." perhaps you can raise your self esteem enough to move into the quid pro quo group.

Heaven Can Wait, Too

Had I seen this billboard when I was in high school, I would have never become an engineer.

Floridian Tells Senator, "Git Yur Hands Off My Nuts!"

Oh, yes. A Florida State Senator wants to rip your nuts off...your truck. This won't go over well with Clem in Palatka (and everybody in Palatka is named Clem...even the women).

Here's what truck nuts look like (actually there are many brands of truck nuts, the following are bullsballs brand, iffin ya wanna git ya a par):


And here's how you use them:


Thanks Clem!

A newly formed group, Clems Of United Palatka DEtermined To Allow Testicles (COUPDETAT) planned a march on Tallahassee but it was canceled because their pick-ups were full of quarry material that needed to be unloaded.

In other words, they were hanging around waiting to get their rocks off...

their trucks!

Also, please note that I did not send this story around via email.

Next Time, She'll Re-Fuse To Leave

It's tough for a humor blog to compete with the news these days. Sigh. Enough to drive a man to drink. Here's my latest recipe:

Mix one part very powerful whiner with one or two (maybe three) parts of 22 year old Sprite. Add some wife bitters and serve to public. I call this cock tale an Eliot Spritzer.

No? OK, how about a news story about a woman who would drive Chef crazy.

A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom

The police officer in charge of the "woman stuck to toilet seat" investigation? Officer Mr. Whipple!

They had conversations and had an otherwise normal relationship -- except it all happened in the bathroom.

[Those of you that know me, insert the joke you know I would make here.]

When asked why he hadn't reported the situation for two years, her boyfriend, Kory McFarren said, "Don't worry, be happy!"

From the movie (I swear) Cocktail

Here's a little song I wrote
You might sing it note-for-note
Don't worry, be happy
If you're an elected official
You're sex life getting a little dull
Don't worry, be happy
Everyday you gotta wear a suit
Stay away from the prostitute
Don't worry, be happy
Girlfriend stuck to a toilet seat
Freezer full of parakeets
Don't worry, be happy

Or Just Take A Fukitol

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I have no idea who to credit with writing this but I grateful to amoose for sending it to me.

What Is The Sound Of One Hand Chapping?

I was in The City on Saturday looking at apartments. One was in particularly unkempt condition. The agent showing it noted "you can tell a single guy lives here." I was in the bedroom when she said this and my eyes suddenly zeroed on on something.

The hand lotion on the nightstand.

For all those times a single guy wakes in the middle of the night because of spontaneous chapping.

Good thing I didn't bring my UV light. I think I'll pass on that place.

PP Post

Humidifier for a penguin pedophile. How often would you adjust the output?

This Writer's Strike Is Making Me Thirsty!

In today's news, The Daily Show still sucks and I'm taking it off my TiVo.

I've joined the Blog Writers And Hackers, Hagglers And Haberdashers of America! (BWAHAHA!) because I am so underpaid. I can't even get people to pay me compliments! Maybe it's the clientèle I attract with such search phases as [all these are actual search phrases]:

• schnitzengruben
• milk that d*ck
• milk from an*s
• vibrator doesn't fit what do i do

How much worse can things get if I write about How Monkeys Pay For Sex?

The paper draws no conclusions about what these observations in monkeys mean for the human world. In fact, whether and how scientists should extrapolate from primate behavior is a fairly "big debate," says Gumert.

I guess the major media outlets have to decide between this story and the primaries. Election or erection? Clearly, the editors don't know which the American public is more interested in.

Unless you mistake the candidates for erections, which isn't hard to do.

Why Is The Mark So Close To Sin?

In his unsuccessful 1992 run for Senate, Mike Huckabee

told the AP in the questionnaire that he found homosexuality to be "an aberrant, unnatural and sinful lifestyle."

Recently, he clarified

"Let's understand what sin means," Huckabee said. "Sin means missing the mark."

Missing the mark? Damn. Apparently I have sinned...but most of the time it was by accident.

I swear!

source article

All The Whos Down In Whoville Will All Go Woohoo!

Looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? Something unique that nobody else has (well, maybe one other person)?

How about a pair of autographed, pre-owned, porn star breast implants? We're talking D-cups here straight from Mary Carey's chest 'o plenty. Want to know more first?

[...] while under anesthesia she realized they could be used to raise money for breast cancer research.

"The doctors asked me what I wanted to do with them and I said, 'You know what, I'm going to keep them and try to sell them. Because my grandmother had breast cancer."

The autographed implants have been placed on eBay and Carey [...] said she planned to donate some 90 percent of the proceeds to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.

She intends to use the rest of the money on medical bills for her mother, who suffered major injuries after jumping off a four-story building in 2006.

"I'm actually overall very anti-plastic surgery," Carey said. "I watched my mom go through 11 surgeries (for her injuries) and it's like, for me to voluntarily put myself through that, the only right thing to do is make money and donate it to charity."

The last bid I saw was $2025.

That doesn't include $12 for shipping.

No word on whether that includes handling.

That's A Moray!

I've recently gotten into astrology (hey, it was a long weekend). Just to be clear, I don't mean that crap in the Comics section of the newspaper or the drivel from some charlatan claiming to be a psychic. No. This is based on billions (yes, billions with a "b") of femtoseconds of my own research. I pass it on to you, loyal reader, at no extra charge.

Here's everything you need to know about real astrology. In Real Astrology, there are very few important symbols, only [insert number here after writing post]. They have nothing to do with what day you were born or the locations of various stars or planets. That's all made up crap.

This is the symbol for Aries.
Aries can represent two different types of people. The first is a person who does things regardless of risk (Magnus Ballus). The second is a person that does things to try to make up for their own inadequacy (Vegrandis Dickus).

Next we have Taurus (Curtus Sperma).
This symbol represents people are messed up because they were originally fertilized by a defective sperm. These people are generally delusional and are incapable of seeing the world as it actually is. Some examples are George W. Bush and all your exes.

Now, we come to the sexual symbols. First, we have Libra (Magnus Buttus Amor).
Libras are skinny people and their big-butted sexual partners.

Next is Gemini, symbol for twinks and bears alike (Duo Homo Erectus).

Next we have Cancer, symbol for women who like to eat carpet (Duo Solum Lingus).
Cancer is often confused with Pisces, symbol for women who prefer double dongs (Dongus Tweenus).

Leo, the extremely flexible, auto-erotic lion is next (Nunquam Recedo Domus).

And stuck at the end is, appropriately, Uranus (Dickus Butkus).

Do You Like Green Eggs Anus Ham?

Tomorrow I'll start to carb-load for the marathon. Sometime in the past I read that before carb-loading you should carb-unload. Basically that means the Atkins diet. I figured I could handle that...for one meal.

I decided to have some eggs for dinner but after some discussion with a friend decided to really man-up and go for the ultimate egg meal. An egg, egg omelet. That is an omelet filled with a fried egg and a hard boiled egg. Here's a picture.

All I added was salt, pepper and hot sauce. The difference in textures between the three eggs made for a surprisingly not awful meal. I'd like to say something funnier, like it had the texture of blue whale semen or tasted like my ex-girlfriend's anus but I don't know what either of those are like, thankfully.

I also had a salad with some cottage cheese but I was still hungry. I searched around looking for dessert but all I had was carb-laden cookies and granola bars and such. Then I found something.

Despite knowing better, let me assure you...baking chocolate is no dessert.

I think it would lose in a taste test vs. the above referenced anus.

Next maybe I'll try an egg salad crepe.

P.S. - Did you misread the post title?

Breaking News: Bunny Ranch Buys CNBC

Isn't $80 kinda expensive, even for Sharon Epperson? Any of my readers keep up on the price of these things?

Another Reason Not To Shake Hands With Politicians

I try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that in a public restroom, tapping your right foot is "a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct." I plan to inject my legs with Novocaine the next time I go to the bathroom.

I learned this lovely tidbit, thanks to Senator Craig of Goddammit-I'm-Not-Gay Idaho and his airport bathroom antics. Of course, despite pleading guilty, he denies any misconduct. He actually said

"I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously."

Tell me that's not a euphemism for "charming the one-eyed spitting cobra".

Feel free to read the rest of the article.

Update! Editorial cartoon on same subject.