If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

When I Get To The Mountaintop You'd Better Get Out Of The Way

Think of the bagel I had for lunch yesterday as Hancock.

Think of the fiber bar snack and giant dinner salad as the freight train.

"What happens when an irresistible force means an immovable object?"

Let's just say that I could use a nap.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I Like Bronze Butts But I Don't Know Why

This is probably not very work safe but pretty funny, especially if you've ever been to Las Vegas.

Travels with Woot: Las Vegas & CES 2009 (Director's Cut) from Woot Video on Vimeo.

Great Gift For Your French Hunting Buddy

Are you crossing the fine line between musk and stench? Is your junk all in a funk? Are your privates described like The Grinch (stink, stank, stunk)? Well, maybe there is help for you yet.

MTP Performance Briefs with ScentEliminator™

MTP is a unique fabric that delivers year-round comfort, keeping you cool in summer and warm in winter. It has three times the evaporation ability of fabrics like cotton, while retaining cotton-like comfort. The secret to Cabela's MTP Series underwear is a unique process that permanently modifies the polyester fabric to quickly wick moisture away from your body, plus it inhibits bacteria, mold and mildew. ScentEliminator technology controls the growth of odor-causing bacteria, making this underwear an excellent choice for big-game hunters and outdoor enthusiasts. The fabric delivers maximum comfort and freedom of movement. Repeated machine washing will not affect its performance.

My first reaction was that I could take a dump in these trunks and no one would be the wiser but that's not quite what they're for. I do fear that some people will read "delivers year-round comfort" and think "I don't need to warsh them but once a year" (that's no typo, the person would obviously pronounce it "warsh" not "wash").

I also worry that the name MTP is too close to TP. "Hey, I don't think this Smellinator stuff is workin'!"

As for that last comment about "repeated machine washing" I think a better wording would be "Improves with each washing!"

Here's one of the comments:
no scent underwear, November 1, 2008
By jasper1988 from central bc

"So far so great. This item does block that nasty "human" ie crotch scent. I joked if I had four pairs I could go a month without showering....at least until you pull them off. The smell is in there but not noticable to my nose while wearing them for a couple days."

Note To Self: Don't Just Delete...Block Sender!

9am - email received. I am CC'ed.


I see you have been very busy.
  • The KMB11 is moving along.
  • YTM507 needs another month since the 506 problems have not been resolved.
  • We await a reply from Jombi in regards to the Hokdop and Redop.
  • The Sampar document is not complete. I will have Urbootea look into it.
I do not know Mobo, Jombi, Sampar, Urbootea or Maradapanan. I have no idea what any of these projects are. After seconds of my precious time, I determined that I was incorrectly copied on this email and deleted.

10:30 am - email received.
Maradapanan is attempting to recall this message.
Now I wonder, did it take an hour and a half to realize that he sent this to the wrong place or did it take that long to figure out how to try to recall a message? What is he trying to accomplish? Why am I thinking about this?

11am - email received.
By mistake you were copied on this email. Please ignore it. Sorry for the disruption.
Oh for chrissakes! Now what should I do? Should I reply and tell not to worry about? If I don't will he send me another unnecessary email? Will I be able to get any work done today or will it all be spent wait for another "email shoe" to drop?

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Winter Benefit: Pants Aren't As Tight

My electric company offers features beloved by anal-retentives, control freaks and the Asperger inclined. One of them is a break down of your electricity usage (I assume they estimate these otherwise I'll need to get out my tinfoil hat). The heat is so high because I have an electric heat pump.

The bottom part of the picture is the best. If you look closely, my home is actually off the chart. It uses less than the home that uses the least energy.

The problem with a heat pump is that it gets less efficient as the temperature goes down. I was thinking about this the other day when it dawned on me that my refrigerator is also acting as a heat pump. It removes the heat from the refrigerator and pumps it into my home. Unfortunately, there's no net benefit since the heat just seeps back in. Then I thought, "What if freeze some ice and then throw it outside? How much net heating would that generate?"

But asking the question is as geeky as I allow myself to get.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I Thought I Saw A Unicorn But I Was Upside-Down

I saw the headline "Obama's three-legged economy rescue" and I immediately thought "How is John Holmes is going to fix the economy?"

I don't know what the article said as I assumed it was Not Safe For Work.

I do like that Wikipedia clarifies that I'm linking to John Holmes-Actor (I think "actor" is being very polite) as opposed to John Holmes-Poet or Diplomat or Mercenary.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Birds Of Mass Block Suction

Sixteen months ago, the NAS* was picking up "chatter" from known terrorist groups. Something big was being planned but they did not inform anybody.

Ten months ago, an agent with the DoW** spotted suspicious activity. Several men and women wanting to learn about animal farming. The strange thing though: they were not interested in cows, pigs, sheep or goats; only poultry. Even then, they weren't very interested in chickens or turkeys. They did not want to learn how to sell or butcher the animals or how to fatten their livers via forced feedings. The agent made a report but it was ignored.

It is clear now what was going on. Al-Qaeda cells are breeding geese and ducks at high rates and releasing them near strategic targets, such as LaGuardia Airport.

Fortunately, on Tuesday, all these problems will magically go away. It will be another miracle.

* - National Audubon Society
** - Defenders of Wildlife

Is That A Burka You're Wearing Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Uhm, too cold and snowy to run for the second week in a row. Instead I went for a walk. Many parts of the creek near my house are frozen over. I've never seen that before. I took no chances.

This Post Is Free Except For The Mental Tax

What's the most egregious case of price vs. what you actually pay?

You're first thought might be your cell phone bill and I'd agree that's probably pretty bad. $39.99 a month turns out to cost $50, a 25% increase.

If you still have a regular, non-fancy phone line like me than your $12/month turns into $20, a ridiculous 67% more.

In Las Vegas recently I rented a car for $8.50/day for four days. Bill $59 after 74% airport access fee, facility charge, rental tax, state tax and vehicle license fee.

But I think I've found the craziest of them all. Air Berlin. Round trip (it's actually worse for one way but I'm trying to be nice) from Berlin to Copenhagen. Airfare 2 Euros plus taxes (6 Euros) plus fuel surcharge (50 Euros!) for a total of 58 Euros. But wait! Even though that is the total cost of the flight, there is a 15 Euro service charge to book it. How you might get on the flight without booking it is not explained. So from a 2 Euro fare, we end up at 73 Euros for a most egregious 3550% increase!

And that doesn't include fees for optional services like food, drinks, baggage or landing on land (too soon?). Holy scheisse!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Help Not Wanted

Multimillion dollar company seeks CEO. We are currently poised for future growth and need only a charismatic leader with vision and ability to think in and out of the box.

Job Description: You will have to find the largest number on a Powerpoint slide while appearing to ponder the decision. Occasionally you will need to pick the second largest number explaining that "all our competitors will go after the largest number leaving the other market entirely to us!" Lots of glad handing and travel (via private jet) required. Additional random decision making will also be necessary.

Requirements: B.S. (and lots of it), perennial optimism, great teeth and an ability to lie through them, lack of accountability a must! Self-absorbency a plus! Maximum 10 handicap. Mysogony helpful but not required.

Monday, January 12, 2009

No Wonder People Drink Coffee In The Morning

At 8am, the fastest way for me to get to work is via the back roads. There's a bunch of stop signs and lights but it's faster than sitting in traffic on the highway. It also puts a little more wear and tear on things, like my recently replaced brake pads.

A little while ago I decided on a new method: I work from home for the early part of the morning and then head in to the office around 9 when traffic on the highway has subsided.

Once I get about halfway to work I think, "Wasn't I supposed to take the highway?"

This plan isn't working out too well.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Not The Women I Date, Of Course

Today, I have a little more empathy for women.

Yesterday it snowed like crazy. The weather channel promised six to nine inches.

We got three.


And it's just not satisfying.

Yes, today I have a little more empathy for women.

Monday, January 05, 2009

No Shirt, No Stamp, No Dice

$1ooo pot stickers? How are these not collectors items?

Yessir. You want to walk around the state of Kansas with more than an ounce of ganga or a gram of toot and you best have your drug stamps in order.

The fact that dealing marijuana and controlled substances is illegal does not exempt it from taxation. Therefore drug dealers are required by law to purchase drug tax stamps.

The drug tax is due as soon as the dealer takes possession of the marijuana or controlled substance. Payment of the drug tax will purchase the drug tax stamps. Attach the stamp to the marijuana and/or controlled substance immediately after receiving the substance. The stamps are valid for 3 months. Drugs seized without stamps or having expired stamps may result in criminal or civil penalties which may include fines, seizure of property or liens against real estate.

A dealer is not required to give his/her name or address when purchasing stamps and the Department is prohibited from sharing any information relating to the purchase of drug tax stamps with law enforcement or anyone else.

Oh and there's also this tidbit...
Purchasing drug tax stamps does not make possession of drugs legal.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Ideas In Post Are Smaller Than They Appear

I just finished reading another large print book. The book was Don't Tell a Soul by David Rosenfelt. Quite a page turner but that's mostly because there are only four or five words per page. I never thought that my reading speed would challenge my page turning abilities. (Seriously, it's more suited to a plane trip than a book club.)

As I brought up in a previous post, the library had both regular and large print versions of this book. I planned to get the regular print but when I got to the library someone had just checked it out which is amazing considering I don't even know how most of the people at the library are able to see well enough to drive.

Anyway, my book list is exceedingly short so if you have any recommendations, feel free to leave them in the comments.