If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

That's So Touching

If you're flying somewhere and get picked for a "pat down" it is always performed by a person of the same sex. Clearly the reason for this is that most women don't want to be groped by men earning $7.15/hour (have the pat downs done by people earning pilot salaries and things might be different). On the other hand, the airlines would actually be a good investment if every man flying was guaranteed a pat down by a woman.

"You got anything in your pants I should know about?" [insert obvious male stereotype joke here]

What if the patter was a lesbian? I would think that less women would be comfortable with that. On the other hand, if they patted down men, the TSA would need to review its rule on carrying more than 3oz. of fluid. A store on the secure side of the terminal that sold men's underwear and tissues would clean up.

Similarly, with kids. Nobody wants to see some guy touching their kid. Ever notice how many men work in day care? Exactly! In our world, all men are pedophiles until proven otherwise (i.e. they're dead).

So the TSA should be hiring only straight and lesbian women as patters. Straight guys could read the X-rays. This would be just like the Xbox and PS2 games they are experts at. And gay guys could look through your suitcase and repack all your crap. [insert obvious gay stereotype joke here]

It's either that or the machine that sees through clothes.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

This Show Needs To Be Aired Out

Hi. My name is Jay and I'm a Wife Swapaholic.

No matter the depths that show plumbs, I can't stop watching. Did you see the lady licking the floor this week? That has got to be the worst show on TV.

Except for FutureCar on Discovery. I just watched the third of four episodes. They had some cool looking cars on this show although I think they've shown all of them on both of the previous shows. This show seems custom made for people like the main character from Memento.

I just watched the third of four episodes. They had some cool looking cars on this show although I think they've shown all of them on both of the previous shows. This show seems custom made for people like the main character from Memento. Plus, they are now a spountain of misinformation.

First they tease you about a car that runs on no fuel, just air. Wow! That sounds cool. Then after wading through most of the show they let you in on the secret. It's compressed air (they could fill it with the air they just let out of my balloon). Ha ha. Yeah. They got me. Shame on me.

How do fill it up? Well, you can hook it to a compressor. Or, plug the car in and use the on-board electric motor to run the engine backward thereby fill the tanks. A nice touch. They also have a compressor that runs on, wait for it, compressed air! The announcer states that in the future they could put the compressed air compressor in the car to compress the air for the compressed air car yielding a perpetual motion machine! Now that's intelligent design!

Monday, February 19, 2007

The Second CUMming

As you know, my company recently scheduled the February CUM Release. As with most CUM releases, it was scheduled for Saturday and, like most scheduled CUM releases, it did not go (or CUM) as planned.

I have already received six (update: seven, no, wait, now eight) additional e-mails on the February CUM Release. The first indicated that CUM Release was extended until Sunday at 9pm. Think about baseball. Think about baseball.

Next were "unexpected issues during installation of the February CUM Release". My source tells me that this was a software issue but, not to worry, these things happen to everyone from time to time. The release was delayed until 11pm. Then 1am. Think about baseball. Think about baseball.

By around 4am, they had the whole team working on the CUM release. Normally, the preferred team size is two people for a CUM release although one-person teams are used more frequently than people admit. Many people fantasize about being in a three-person CUM release but, in reality, the third person just ends up watching and forming their own one-person team. The CUM release was now delayed until 6am.

This is getting serious. I have heard that possible side-effects of delaying a CUM release like this could include cancer or at a minimum, some things turning blue.

Good news! At 6am, they apparently had completed the CUM release because they were testing the "ERP" function. If they can get the ERP validated, they may try a snowball after that but that is not the way you want to end a CUM release.

It is now 10am Monday and they have closed the Oracle that the CUM release was installed in. They announced that "If you lose your session [wink, wink] you should [put your] log back into [the] Oracle and you will be directed to an instance that is active." Now that is talent!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

What You Looking At, Willis?

I kind of use this blog as an adjunct memory. I assume at some point in the future I'll read through the whole thing but, for now, I only re-read posts if I'm referring back to them or if someone gets to my blog using some weird search term. And when I say weird, I mean that in a relative sense. Some of the "normal" searches that lead to my blog are:

  • I hate nerds
  • Thanks for the gumball Popeye
and the occasional
  • vaginagirl
I'd list some of the weird searches but I've forgotten what they were. Why did I start this post?

Oh yeah. I thought I already posted about how my oven exploded the other day but apparently, I forgot to do that too. What I really need is a place online to keep track of my thoughts. More about that at the end of this post.

OK. Back to the exploding oven. Well, maybe the word "exploding" is over-doing it a bit. And maybe the word "oven" is also. What happened was I was making lasagna. After 40 or so minutes of baking I went to switch on the broiler to brown the cheese a bit. As I flipped the knob from "bake" to "off" (with the plan to continue on to "broil" which, I see, I already wrote was my goal) a huge spark (and I use the word "huge" in the masculine sense where, for example, "My dong is huge" translates to a 2 or 3 inch spark and here I use the word "my" as an example of a word someone else would say as my own dong is too large for description with such small words)...where was I? Yes, a huge spark shot out of the knob (not out of my dong) and the oven went dead. Fortunately, I spent 5 1/2 years getting a degree in electrical engineering and I knew how dangerous this situation could be.

So, I went downstairs and flipped the tripped breaker back on, turned the oven to "broil" and browned my cheesy lasagna. I noticed that both the "bake" and "broil" elements came on during "broil". I also noticed later that, even though the oven was off and cold, the thermostat light never went off.

I called the apartment manager and they looked at it and said they'd replace it ASAP. That was a bit over a week ago. Now my dilemma is this: Since it's going to be replaced, I don't see why I should bother to clean it. Do you change your oil just before you trade-in your car? Do you clip your nails before a manicure? Do you shoot huge sparks out of your knob before browning your lasagna?

This post should lead to some interesting search hits.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Bad Acronyms for $600, Alex

Do not laugh. This is no joke.

My company sent out an e-mail titled "February CUM Release". My first thought was, "Now that's a company benefit I can use!" Or maybe someone was just having some Valentine's Day fun (certainly more than me).

A little research and I found this:

Step 12: Verify CUM of Ship-From Customer Items
For each Ship-From Customer Item under CUM Management, verify the CUM shipped quantity against internal shipment records and external systems [...]. Manually verify that:
  • the CUM shipped quantity was calculated accurately based on the CUM Management Rule [...];
  • the CUM shipped quantity matches the external system CUM shipped quantity after CUM Keys are assigned.
Which is from page 31 of this .pdf file.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

You OK? No.

UPDATE: The video, as expected, was taken off YouTube. You might try searching YouTube or somewhere else for another copy.

I don't know how long this video (of a New Zealand skydiver crashing into the ground) will be available. They actually show footage from his helmet starting at the 6:45 mark (or about 2:00 left depending on which way the count is going).

News story is here.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Use It To Run Your ESPN Phone

World peace.

A cure for cancer.

An end to hunger.

Given a nearly unlimited amount of computing power, these might be some of the problems that might be addressed, or at least talked about?

Intel announced that they created a chip containing 80 processors and delivering a peak of 1 teraflops (that's 1,000,000,000,000 floating point operations per second). Don't get too excited as it is only a research development.

But what if it wasn't just a research project? What glorious applications could be run on such a chip?

"Intel suggested one possible consumer use: a program that intelligently monitors a televised sporting event and automatically identifies and compiles key highlights like a slam dunk or a home run by a favorite player based on the spectator's preferences."
Aim high, Intel. Aim high!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

At What Temperature Do These Posts Stop Sucking?

My normal running outfit consists of a polypro T-shirt, shorts and socks, sneakers and a baseball cap. This works for me in weather down to around 60 degrees or so. I'm surprised at how little it changes as the temperature gets lower. Here's what I do:

  • Around 55, switch to long sleeves.
  • Around 45, add thin fleece gloves.
  • Around 35, add short sleeve shirt under long sleeve, switch hat to fleece cap.
  • Around 25, switch to better gloves, switch from shorts to tights, use face mask.
  • Around 15, reconsider sanity.
Applications come out for the NYC Marathon tomorrow!

Friday, February 09, 2007

The Bible Belt - Also Need: Bible Shirt And Pants

Everything's bigger in Texas, and that includes people's debt.

Take Don Cruz . He and his wife won the HGTV Dream home not long ago. They moved into the home without any way to pay the tax bills that would be forthcoming.

"We plan to stay," he told the Associated Press. "God will provide. We'll say a prayer, turn it over to him and he provides. It'll all work out."
Maybe God has finally gotten through to Don because the house is now up for sale.

In what is surely a complete coincidence, a bill has been introduced to the Texas House that would add "a religious bible or other book containing sacred writings of a religion" to the list of things exempt "from attachment, execution, or other seizure for the satisfaction of debts." Currently that list is limited to: money you are earning, alimony, child support, and prescribed medical devices.

Creditors hounding you? Get a Bible! A really expensive one.

Monday, February 05, 2007

The Dyson Vacuum Of SuperBowls

This will go down as the year the NFL jumped the shark.


  1. The Holy Grail of "parity" has become more like "parody". It seems each team is as bad as any other team and on any given day, any team can lose to any other. If you do a reverse-recipe search on this you'll find it is a recipe for BOREDOM.
  2. The NFL Network. On Thanksgiving they showed a game on a network that a huge number of people did not receive. They held their ground and now most cable companies at least offer the network but they certainly pissed people off. (Personally, I've only watched a snippet of a couple games since, except for the SuperBowl.)
  3. SuperBowl XLI. What a suckfest. The game sucked; did anyone not think that Florida or Ohio State or even Michigan couldn't beat either of these teams? The commercials sucked; what moron thought that suicide would be a good theme to sell cars? Halftime sucked; Prince's performance was praised as "safe" but is it really safe to play an electric guitar in the rain (purple or otherwise)?
Note: Like this year's SuperBowl, the title of this post is much better than its contents.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

I Can Call You Betty

The company I work for is a fuscurhinocracy* and that's not good for me. Others have suggested it might be a hobbitocracy, but without seeing those furry feet, who can tell.

I can't become a fuscurhinocrat because that's the worst thing someone can be in my book. Well, aside from being a hypocrite. Or two-faced. (Both of those just being the more egregious forms of liars.) There are a couple others but I'm staying away from Yiddish today.

It is too bad it is not a meritocracy, then I'd do fine. If it was rhinocracy I'd be CEO already.

Since I can't actually be a fuscurhinocrat, I can at least modify my work to be more like them. That includes incompetent design, incomplete architecture and lack of leadership. It'll be tough but I've got plenty of role models around. If you think this post sucks then I'm on the right track.

I can hear Paul Simon playing inside my head...

A man walks down the street
He says why am I soft in the middle now

* - fuscurhinocracy - from the Latin "fuscus" meaning brown, rhino meaning nose and ocracy which you should know what that means.