If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Wait For The Shake

And people wonder why I don't drink cofee...

Postal Worker Charged in Coffee Urine Case

Thursday, August 25, 2005

God Hates America

It has been less than a month and already there has been another "miracle" plane crash and once again, God has chosen to bypass America with his miracles. America has more flights than any other country in the world* and yet we have been snubbed again and again by God and his miracles. Now, Peru I can understand. It seems like a serious and pious country but the previous miracle was French/Canadian. I mean, puh-lease.
Maybe someone with a really deep and ethereal voice can talk to Pat Robertson and ask him to ask his flock to pray for a miracle for the US, assuming he's not to busy calling for an assassination, or denying that he did, or apologizing for the first or...nevermind, he's clearly too busy.

* - I have no idea if this is true but is sure sounds correct.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Waiting for the Infomercial

I would love to see an infomercial for this product (only $645!). (Or check their website.) Italics are mine.

The HairMax LaserComb sends nourishing laser light energy into your hair to revitalize it and improve its condition. Your hair will thicken, strengthen and become healthier with better quality. It's that simple! The end result is that your hair will flourish and you may start to like your hair again!
Lasers are also used for hair removal.

Of course, radiation used to be sold to cure all kinds of things. Alas, they found out later that there were problems prompting this WSJ headline:
The Radium Water Worked Fine until His Jaw Came Off.

The Big 5-0

This post was going to be about how my main character in City of Heroes hit level 50 last night (woot!) but this morning's drive story trumps it.

After pulling out of my garage I noticed a Subaru driving a bit too fast coming down the street of my apartment complex. I wisely let him pass. We were both going in the same direction. Despite his apparent urgency, stop-signs and red lights conspired to keep me right behind him. At the third red light, he was the second car and I was third. There is a big "No Turn On Red" sign at the intersection. Without any warning, this guy started smashing the back of his fist onto the steering wheel. Imagine someone with a rubber stamp trying to mark something "Paid". Paid! Paid! Paid! Over and over. Each time his horn (or was it just the noise of the steering wheel itself?) would let out a little yelp. Paid! (meep) Paid! (meep) I literally pushed myself back in my seat trying to stay away. He hit it about 10 times then stopped. Man, oh, man. After a couple seconds of calm, PAID! One last smash. The light changed and all three cars headed in the same direction (note that there is no place to pass) for about a mile until Subabrute needed to turn left (the first car and I continued straight). Subabrute actually passed the first car while in the short left turn lane then screeched around the corner, amazingly, without spinning out or hitting anything.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

GBM

The subject of the new Game Boy came up yesterday. The new product is named Game Boy Micro and it is 4" x 2" x 0.7" so it's not quite the size of a pack of gum like I had heard. Still, it's pretty tiny.

Infallible

Watched Penn & Teller's Bullsh*t (season 2, disc 3) on Friday. Topics skewered were: the funeral industry, 12-step programs, the exercise industry, the bible (actually the people who want to take it literally) and hypnosis.

Here are a couple of the quotes they pointed out from the bible:

Exodus 35:2 - Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day there shall be to you an holy day, a sabbath of rest to the LORD: whosoever doeth work therein shall be put to death.
They held up a painting of Jesus (with long hair of course) while they read this one:
1 Corinthians 11:14 - Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?

Friday, August 19, 2005

Ouch!

This video hurts to watch (actually I think it's the sound that hurts). It hurts so much I watched it 4 times in a row.
I will note that this video was pointed out to me by a friend who bought a zip-line to install in his backyard. I will let you know the website of the video as soon as he gets it installed.

Whaddya Call Me?

There's this article about a woman whose cable bill was addressed to "Bitch Dog" and a guy whose electric company sent him letters addressed to "Scrotum Bag". Leave it to me to notice that both of these have a certain feature (and I'm sure there's a word for it that I just can't think of). It's like saying a "round circle". All bitches are dogs. All scrota are bags. All circles are round (Yes, that one's backwards but it's the same idea). Anybody know what word I'm looking for?

Update: Duh. I guess the word is "redundant" but I was hoping for something more elegant.

The Next Big Thing

Here it is. Are you ready? This quote regarding the use of the word "mate".

"It's pomposity gone mad" - Bob Hawke*

* - Also available in T-shirt format.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

No, Not Folders!

This Arizona high school has replaced their textbooks with computers but there is always room for complaining.

"It was kind of hard at first, because you had to put things in folders," Julian said, referring, naturally, to virtual folders on his computer's desktop.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

There's an Elephant in My Office

Apparently, some scientists think it would be a good idea to reintroduce elephants and other species to North America. Here's a quote:

"Establishing Asian asses and Przewalski's horse in North America might help prevent the extinction of these endangered species and would restore equid species to their evolutionary homeland"
I fear Asian asses would simply wipeout all the American asses.

Aquatic Death

Last night's DVD: The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Essentially boring but with funny moments. After 15 minutes I started reading a clothing catalog while watching. Willem Defoe's character, Klaus, was the highlight for me. Tip for Owen Wilson: if you're going to do an accent, try to keep for the entire movie.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Weekend Watch

This past weekend I watch two DVDs:
Penn & Teller's Bullsh*t (Season 2, disc 2) - This disc skewers Recycling, Profanity, New Age (including Yoga and Tantric Sex) and the Fountain of Youth. Recycling? What's wrong with recycling? Oh, man. And Yoga too? I just started Yoga. (Good news, the stretching is OK for the most part, they just skewer the mind/spirit aspect. Whew!) Very funny!
Hoop Dreams - A fairly old documentary (1994) that follows two kids from very poor areas of Chicago through high school with dreams of making it to the NBA. At nearly 3 hours long, it needed to be very compelling to watch the whole thing and it was.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Foximile

I was flipping through the dial this evening when I happened up the "Fox News" channel showing the O'Reilly Factor. They tout the show as the "No Spin Zone". Only a total fucking moron would believe that anything they see regarding the news is devoid of spin.

That aside, they are talking about Cindy Sheehan who's son was killed in the Iraq war. The show host (Bill is not on for some reason) and guest keep saying that "she lost her son". Lost? Are they saying that Little Bo Peep's sheep are actually dead? Holy crap, I think I'm scarred for life.

I guess I just fed up with lying and bullshit lately.

Bush, Santorum and Harris

On Sunday, I went to Best Buy to buy an MP3 player. At the check-out line, there was a gentleman (late 50's I'd say) in front of me. He was looking to the side at the selection of books for sale. (Why Best Buy sells "regular" books, I don't know.) I only remember two of the books. One was the latest Harry Potter book and the other was pointed out by this gentleman.

Man (to me) : I can't believe they allow her books in here.
Me: Who?
Man: Jane Fonda, that commy.
Me: Well, uh, that's what America is all about, right? Free speech?
Man: Did you know that when she visited Vietnam three soldiers wrote their Social Security numbers on slips of paper and handed them to her and she turned those over of their captors and they were killed?
*blink*
Mercifully, the next check-out person was free and off went the man to pay for electronics from communist China.

Much to my surprise, this story (or something closely resembling it) has been circulating for quite some time. There is an account of this urban legend at Snopes. Let me be very plain; I don't give a shit about Jane Fonda or what she did or didn't do in Vietnam. This story is about that guy. That guy is middle America. That guy is why Bush is President, Santorum is a Senator and, most likely, Katherine Harris will be elected to the Senate next year.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Moratorium

Is it just me or has almost every recent news story come along with some slippery-slope argument or, at least, a slippery-slope reference.
I hearby call for a ban on "slippery slope" arguments. Without this moratorium every argument will eventually become a "slippery slope" argument.

Here Comes Dessert

No, I didn't see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yet.

I recently bought a bag of Snyder's of Hanover New York Deli Style flavored pretzel pieces. Now, before you click the link, what do you think they taste like? I will tell you that I did not read the label before trying them. I couldn't imagine what they would taste like. The anticipation was killing me.
The first thing that struck me was the brilliant idea to take broken pretzels and turn them into a product. That is brilliant. The taste started with a strong rye flavor. Ah, I get it, deli -> rye bread. Sure. Then mustard. Hmm. That's a bit odd. Mustard on rye? Something else too that I couldn't quite finger. I ate a few more. Man, I swear I'm getting a corned beef flavor but that would be crazy. So I read the bag:

"[...]if you like the taste of a real, deli-made corned beef on rye with Swiss cheese, you'll love our bite-size New York Deli Style Pieces!"
Now if I combine these with those pickle chips and someone comes out with a Dr. Brown's Tortilla chip I'll be set.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Yogahurt

Some of the cereal I got recently came with a "yaga sampler" DVD. Last night I decided to give it a try.
The DVD comes with four 10 minute samples: Beginners, for fitness, for athletes and one other I can't recall. I decided to go for the beginner one.
The first couple minutes were an introduction about yoga. Then we sat cross legged (not that yoga cross legged way, where you stick your heals in your stomach). Already I had a problem as I was not flexible enough to be comfortable. We breathed very slowly and stretched our spine and neck as high as we could. Then we laid on our backs and breathed and streched our spine and neck as far as we could. Next, pull one knee to the chest and breathe some more. Then the other leg. Breathe. Now sit on your heals. (Ow, my knees hurt.) "If your knees hurt put a blanket or pillow on your heals." Well, the blankets and pillows were to far away to grab so I just toughed it out. "Now place your forehead on the ground, hand out in front." Surprisingly I had no problem doing that.
So, I'm kneeling with my face on the floor waiting for the next instruction. Waiting. And waiting. Should I be breathing? Did the instructor stop breathing? I sneak a peek. I guess my 10 minute sample had ended. That went pretty well, so I decided to try out the fitness section.

Mountain pose. Namaste. Swan dive. Exhale. Power pose. Downward dog. Slide through to Upward dog. Power pose. Mountain. Namaste. Swan dive. WTF is going on?
So I watched and tried to copy what the guy was doing. My biggest problems were: touching my toes with my knees straight (but by the end I could, woohoo), breathing as slowly as they wanted and, of course, not being able to see if I was doing anything even close to what was called for.

If I strip out the spiritual stuff, I enjoy yoga as much as yogurt, and that's pretty good.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

It's a Miracle

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, count yourself as unblessed if were not on yesterday's Air France "Miracle" flight 358 from Paris to Canada. Where were you? Were you driving home from work? Did you wreck your car but emerge alive? No? HEATHEN! Just like me.
Well, I plan to do something about it and you should too. Tonight, get in your car and drive as fast as you can then ram into something, like another car, or a school bus or better yet just some kids. Don't worry, if they are up to date on their prayers there will certainly be a miracle and they'll live. If not, the world is a better place without them, right?

And people think Muslim extremists are the problem....