If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Monday, October 31, 2005


We are debugging a problem here at work. My colleague sent me a file, often refered to as a "dump" file, called (I kid you not) BgAnalData.txt.

I sent him an e-mail that said that might not be the best name for the file.

His reply "I thought it had a nice ring to it..."

Shocking News

Jeebus, if there is something you think we are doing wrong, please send us a sign...

[Rev.] Lake was stepping into the baptismal when he reached out to adjust a nearby microphone[...]
"Everyone just immediately started praying."
Any sign at all...

Oh, The Weather Outside Is...

Perfect. You have to grab days like these when they come around. I took a walk/hike yesterday that was so great I almost didn't want to go home. There's all kinds of hiking/mountain bike trails right by my place. And it only took me 7 months to realize it!

And my manager is on vacation today! How could this day get any better?

Saturday, October 29, 2005

No Phones, No Lights

And almost no motor cars. My family in Florida is still without power. They also lost phone service the day after the Wilma. Luckily their cell phone are working. Also, the supermarket near them has been open.
They went out yesterday to look for a car charger for their phone and hunt for gas. They charged their cell once outside the supermarket. A security guard approached them and told them they couldn't do that but this ridiculous situation was diffused since my dad knew the security guard. They also charged it once in a restaurant that was open. They didn't notice that their phone needed charging until the end of the meal and then they had a "loooooooonnnnng cup of coffee". Mid to late Nov. is when they were told they'd have power back.

My nephews' school is closed and is day-to-day. No power at their house either. They got gas the other day. That's actually a big event these days. My sister heard on the radio that a tanker was heading to a certain station and they drove there to meet it.

My other sister is spending a lot of time with her friend, who now looks like a genius, that has a whole house generator which runs on natural gas.

Overall, everyone is good spirits, all things considered.

10/31/2005 - Update - Apparently the people who say when things will be working (let's call them "management") have no idea what the people on the lines (let's call them "engineers") are doing. Power came back up last night. :)

Friday, October 28, 2005

Oh My

Of all the pictures to use for this announcement they picked this one?

Scary Halloween Reading

I can only say "Wow!"

"[...] CBS poll this month found that 51 percent of respondents believed humans were created in their present form by God. A further 30 percent said their creation was guided by God. Only 15 percent thought humans evolved from less advanced life forms over millions of years."

Cavity Search

One of the people I work with got pulled over on the loop road that goes around our building by our crack security team the other day. "For speeding?" you might think. Well, that would be pretty difficult as he was running at the time. The security truck literally pulled up next to him and told he should be out there. After a bit of hassling, my friend let slip that he worked here. The guard became nicer at this point but not much. After a bit more discussion the guard asked my friend's name (I believe it is going on his permanent record) and released him. He promptly waas nearly run over by same truck as he crossed the road.

I feel so safe working here.

And what about Trent Lott stating that the next nominee for the Supreme Court can be a "man, woman or minority"?

Monday, October 24, 2005

Not The French

Here's a couple of frog stories from my sister:

FS1: My sister is standing outside a few days ago talking to her neighbor when she hears a sound like "thumthumthum". "Did you hear that?" Soon, "thumthumthum". It was getting dark so they grabbed a flashlight and started to investigate. The sound led them to the AC compressor, which was running but the sound had stopped. Inside the AC housing they found a frog who had been "not decapitated...like deleggitated". Poor guy.

FS2: My sister stayed with her friend during the hurricane. After the eye had passed over, they were watching through the window as the fierce windows picked back up to gale force. Out in the street they saw a frog trying to cross. With a gust or attempted leap, the frog would start tumbling down the street like a...a...like a tumble frog. My sister's friend could not bear the site, she rushed outside, barely able to stand chasing the frog which immediately tried to get away...by hopping...and tumbling. Oh, the frogmanity! (Or is it hufrogity?) Well, my friends, she caught that frog and put him in the bushes...which promptly blew away. (I'm just kidding about that last part.)

Saturday, October 22, 2005

It Rhymes With Bagel

Uhm, hmmm. Did you..err, no. Can...unh-uh. I guess I'm not sure how to start this one. Apparently companies sell a 1 lb. plastic coated dumbbell for use in Kegel exercises but after reading the directions I fail to see the benefit of this thing (as opposed to just doing Kegel exercises). I'm also puzzled as to why you must be 18 to buy it.

Update!!! For someone whose religion (or whatever) does not allow them to enjoy themselves, perhaps the Kegel Exerciser gives them moral shelter for having a good time.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Teach, Your Children Well

What kind of crazy online advice person would say something like this (for a man who is walking around naked infront of his kids)?

My suggested aversion therapy: The next time he makes his grand entrance, your daughter and the girls should point at his lower midsection and start laughing.
Guess what? It's Dear Abby!

Please Use Rear Entrance

Forgot to post this last week. I went for an eye exam last week. As I pulled up to the building (one of those big, professional complexes) I saw in big bold letters on the front doors "Endoscopy Only" and another indicating the main entrance was in the rear and I immediately thought they had things backwards.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Pres

Went for an eye exam last week. First they tested my distance vision. With contacts in, I tested between 20/30 and 20/20 vision. Next came the reading vision test. The doctor put the reading card in my hands (which were in my lap) and asked me to read the lowest line I could read. I didn't do very well. "Uhmmm, hmmm," she said along with mentioning something about presbyopia.

Me: Well, can I hold it closer?
Doc: (stupified) Uh, if you can read it closer, sure.

With the card a foot from my face I promtly read the 20/10 line.

Note to eye doctors: when someone has a 6 1/2 foot wingspan, arms length is more like distance vision than reading vision. ;)

Monday, October 17, 2005

Mood: Dumbfounded

Well, I was just thinking that I really don't have anything to post when one just falls into my lap, er, uh, ears.

About 10 minutes ago, from across the sea of cubicles I hear "BLNGNGNGNGNG, BLNGNGNGNGNG, BLNGNGNGNGN". Someone's cell phone is ringing. It is far louder than our regular office phones. One minute later, it goes off again. A couple minutes after that it rings again and this time, loud talker (which goes with a loud ringer, I guess) answers it

LT: HELLO. {pause} (note he is now walking down the hall right by my cube toward the window for better reception) NO, I'M SORRY YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER. {pause} NO THIS IS A CELL PHONE. {sound of phone folding}

LT is now walking back passed my cube and just after he passes it "BLNGNGNGNG". (Pay attention now, here's where it gets good.) He turns around and starts walking back toward the window (for better reception!) as he answers the phone:


I would ask this guy to turn down/off his ringer and stop yelling into his phone but since he seems pretty oblivious to the world around him, I'm sure he soon be promoted to management where he'll have his own office.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

So Sad

Two stories caught my eye today. The first was a new poll that showed 79% "of Americans feel comfortable with a woman President of the United States". What I find a little sad is that 21% either are not comfortable or didn't answer. I wonder how many aren't comfortable with men as President?

The other story was about a polio outbreak in an Amish community (would you feel comfortable with an Amish President who had polio?). According to this article, at least some of these people are more fearful of of the polio vaccine than the risk of an infection. I'd say these poeple have been watching to much X-Files but I don't think they have TVs.

Breaking News: Turkeys!!!!

Friday, October 14, 2005

People Search For Ass

Interestlingly, many recent hits to my blog came from people searching for the word "ass". I wonder what would happen if I put the word "sex", "nude" or "naked" in my blog. I'll have try that some time.

My work e-mail has been the proud recipient of much spam recently. Fortunately, my company has a great spam filter in place. Instead of actually receiving the spam e-mail, my company replaces it with an e-mail with the Subject, Sender and Percentage Chance of it being Spam. Here's an example I received:

  • 88% shelled@niehaus.com YOU WANT SOME OUTRIGHT SEX - DON'T YOU?
  • 92% muscled@listyourhome.com Are you happy about your size and sexual performance?
I just thought it was funny that these were deemed to have a 12% and 8% chance of being legitimate business e-mails.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Are You An Ass-In Man?

If you are looking for parallel, this is not the blog you're looking for. Please move along.

Now that the weak minded have left us, let us discuss head-in vs. ass-in, shall we? Most people have a pretty good grasp on head-in. They might do head-in every day, maybe several times a day. All this practice adds up and it is rare that a head-in fiasco is seen.

But not everyone likes to be part of the herd. Some prefer ass-in. Maybe they've grown tired of the same head-in every day. Maybe they like the quick get-away aspect of the ass-in. Maybe they are just showing off.

One thing I've noted is that people that prefer ass-in are almost exclusively male. Most of the ass-in people prefer to do it in either a sports car or truck. I actually saw someone trying do go ass-in in a minivan this morning and boy was that funny. Like that python that exploded eating an alligator.

Sometimes, given the opportunity, people will go head-in and go so deep in that it will actually appear that they've gone ass-in from a different direction. Both men and women will do this "faux ass-in". I wonder if they think they are fooling anyone.

Which do you prefer?
I'm pretty conservative. I only do head-in.
I like variety. Head-in. Ass-in. What ever works at the time.
Once you try ass-in, you either love it or hate it. And I love it!

Free polls from Pollhost.com

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

You Won't Hear David Doing This One

(to be read in David Attenborough style)
In the bathroom earlier today I happened upon a newly evolved "courtesy flush".

The courtesy flush we are all familiar with could also be known as the stench flush. When you drop an exceptionally putrid bobber, showing it the way home as soon as possible makes for a nicer environment for anyone who is not olfactorilly impaired. In many ways, the courtesy flush is itself an evolutionary step beyond the timed Squirt-O-Scent. But another feature of the courtesy flush has now been exploited...it's the sound. (insert flushing toilet whoosh here)

Perhaps, life is not agreeable lately. Perhaps the cafeteria was serving navy bean soup. Whatever the cause, the explosive percussive sounds of human defecation can be quite embarassing to some. Apparently embarassing enough to cause some, even though they are hidden in their floating-wall fortress, to feel the need to drown out the sound (whooosh).

And we'll study all of this in the next episode of The Bathroom Habits of Humans.

UPDATED! Yet another evolutionary path has been discovered only very recently. He has been named the cuckoo for reasons which will soon be apparent. This one is dealing with the same sound issue but in a different and, in many ways, more economical manner. Like the cuckoo bird who relies on other birds to raise its young, this one relies on others to produce the auditory cover he so desperately needs. The chap at the nearby urinal is oblivious to what is about to take place. In his stall, the cuckoo listens intently for the telltale sound of the last shake. Only exquisite timing and control can pull this one off.

Unfortunately, the shake habits vary so greatly from one chap to the next that invariably that the expulsion frequently meets with no cover of sound. Sadly, and perhaps due to this poor adaptation, the cuckoo appears unable to find a mate and his genetic adaptation appears headed for Darwin's survival-of-the-fittest toilet.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Just Leave the Box

Watched Sin City this weekend. Never read the "graphic novel" (which sounds suspiciously like a comic book). Still, quite liked the movie. Won't ruin it for you if you haven't seen it.

Also finished watching The Life of Birds series. Fantastic. I'd especially recommend this to those people who think that only an omniscient being could have come up with all the complexity around us. For example, the divine inspiration for a pair of birds that after hatching 8 or so chicks, kills them one by one until only a couple survive and are raised.

Lastly, break out the tissues (don't even think what you are thinking, you perv). I finished the Band of Brothers series which focuses on E (Easy in military speak) company of the 101st Airborne during WWII. What these guys went through is incomprehensible. I could not recommend this series more heartily. And you'll need tissues...a whole box would be wise.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Porter Goss Is An Idiot

Well, maybe I give him too much credit.

Porter Goss says he won't punish the agents that screwed up because

"Singling out these individuals would send the wrong message to our junior officers about taking risks -- whether it be an operation in the field or being assigned to a hot topic at headquarters."
Hey MORON! What message does that send? And what risks are you talking about? The risk of not reporting someone who is taking flying lessons but doesn't want to learn how to land a plane?

I don't remember any crap of these proportions under Reagan, the other Bush or Clinton. Did I just not care back then? Did they do a better job of covering things up? Or was it just not this bad?

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Pretty Smart Design

The Onion has a little on the Pennsylvania Intelligent Design Trial. My favorite:

Monkey called as witness fails to identify anyone in courtroom as his descendant.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Blood Fountain

Good news/Bad news. First, the good news: my blood pressure was up about 30 points today (all the way to 117 over something) and so I was allowed to give blood. I think that my previous low blood pressure may have been due to low hydration. I drank extra water this morning to make sure I wasn't dehydrated. The other side affect was that by the time they started prepping my arm, I really could have used a trip to the bathroom.

The bad news: Perhaps due to my super hydration state or perhaps it was something else, when I got poked with the needle blood spurted all over. I got a good 15-20 drops on my shirt and pants, some more on my arm and some on the lounge chair. They tried to clean me up with some hydrogen peroxide (which worked a little) but I think there was just too much blood. So I'm working from home the rest of the day. So, I guess this isn't really very bad news.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Drum Roll Please

The Internet can read your mind!

Ultimate Vegan Insult

Before I post this, I just want to mention that one of my friends is a vegan and is so strict she won't even wear silk because you have to kill the silkworm in order to get it. Now, on with the post.

From the latest, "Steve, Don't Eat It!":

"I was immediately distracted by the unexpected squirt of briny liquid that shot out into my mouth. A little heads up would have been nice. (Am I right, ladies?)"
Read all the sordid details about eating silkworm pupas.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

It's No Grilled Cheese

I saw this bird on TV and it made me think of this person. What do you think?

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Ode to Robert Plant

OK. Let me try this again less graphically (I just erased something you surely did not want to read).

Every now and then a man wishes he had one of those toilets that I wrote about a couple weeks back. This morning was one of those times for me. Fortunately, I was wise enough to have a plunger when I move into my new place earlier this year. Unforunately, this plunger has a design flaw. Here's a picture of what it looked like after the first plunge.
Just in case it is not apparent from the picture, the cup at the end of the stick has turned inside-out and stayed like that. That's like a clock stopping at midnight or a car with no way to refill the gas tank or, well, you get the idea.
Ok, I'll just leave the story there.