If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Friday, June 29, 2007

What A Tool

After several days on pirate radio, I got DSL installed at my parents' house, along with a wireless router. The kit came with 5 filters. They need 6 but can get by for now. Actually, they had 14, yes, FOURTEEN devices plugged into the phone jacks before the DSL went in. Phones, faxes, modem, ringers, WebTV, alarm and god-knows-what.

Then there's the whole role-reversal thing. When I was a kid, I'd help my dad with all kinds of stuff.
Me: What can I do to help?
Dad: Get me a screwdriver.
Me (handing it to him): Here you go.
Dad: No, I need a Phillips.
So, I'm putting in the DSL and my dad asks how he can help. I'm moving furniture around and he's not allowed to lift more than five lbs. for a week. So I asked him for a screwdriver.

He brought me one with eight interchangeable tips.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Another Round Of Rings

Golf rained out so we've been home all morning.

From about 7:30am through around 11am the phone rings non-stop. If it doesn't get answered then the cell phones start ringing. Here's what it's like:
Hello? Oh, hi! ... Yes, he's doing much better. We need to make an app...oh, can you hold on one second? Thanks.
Hello? Oh hi! ... Yes, he's doing much better. Can I call you back in a few minutes? Thanks.
You still there? Ok. So, we need to...
(Doo-be-doo-be-doo) (cell phone ringing)
Oh, that's my daughter, let me call you back in a few minutes, OK? Buh-bye.
Hello? ... Hi sweetie. Why'd you call my cell phone? ... Uh-huh ... Well, I had XYZ on hold and ABC called.

20 minutes of phone calls and not one iota of information gets passed to anyone. Don't these people have blogs?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

All Nodes Clear

They checked over 20 lymph nodes (which seems like a lot) and found no evidence that cancer had spread to any of them. This likely means no chemo but my dad will be talking to an oncologist later in the week.

My dad is doing so well, we're going to play golf tomorrow. And by "we" I mean me and my mom. Dad's letting me use his clubs...but they come with caveats.
"I don't carry any irons below a 5."
"I've got a 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 wood."
"I've got a long putter." (Me: It'll problem seem normal size to me.)
"There's balls in the bottom pocket and more in the garage, under the ladder that's to the left of the shelf near the tool rack by the A/C." (Me: Wha?)

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Just Chirp Your Heels Three Times

Here's an idea I offer to anyone who will make the damn thing and send me a dozen or so. A smoke detector with a clock so that when it detects a dead battery, it won't chirp at 4am. Has a smoke alarm battery ever died in the middle of the day? Ever?

I'll leave it to my readers to guess how my night was.

Dad called this morning in such a cheerful mood, it could only mean one thing.
Great breakfast? Nope.
Some tall guy is replacing all the batteries in the smoke detectors at his home? That's not it either.
They took down the sign that said "No digital exams." Ewwww, nooo.
His tests came back and they removed the entire tumor and he doesn't need chemo. Nyet.
He's being released today? Chirp, chirp, chirp. That's right.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Do The Do

Last night's nurse came in a little late. The reason, he told us, was because it was raining at his home and he didn't want to ruin the black hairspray he had just put on. He pointed to his hair, extolling the virtues of this great product. I don't know what his hair is like without it but it's hard to imagine it could be worse.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Shake It Up

We were in my dad's room and a show about that palm tree island in Dubai was on. They were talking about how they needed to do something to prepare for earthquakes, one having recently hit Bam, Iran.

me: You know who is from there?
Mom & Dad: Who?
me: Emeril Lagasse.
(awkward silence)
me: Get it? He's from Bam!
(much more awkward silence)
Dad: Hey, you know who comes from there?
me: Who?
Dad: That chef guy....Emeril.
(I look at my mom and we both start laughing.)
Mom: Honey. Jay just said that.
Dad: Said what?
Mom: Emeril Lagasse.
Dad: Oh, I thought he said Moammar Qaddafi.

It's like this everyday with my family.

And if you're not reading the comments, Dad has been upgraded from "clear liquids" to "soft goo" like oatmeal and pudding.

How Many Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb

Woke up this morning and the light in the hotel bathroom was out. Took a shower in relative darkness. I notified the front desk about the problem and a few minutes later someone showed up with a new bulb (one of those circular fluorescents). I said, "Ah, the new light. That was quick."

She responded with a heavy Spanish accent, "I try to fix." Uh oh.

She climbed up on a little ladder and wrenched the cover off, exposing the light. She started wrestling with the bulb itself when I noticed the light switch was in the "on" position. I said, "I'll turn the switch off for you."

After a minute or so a piece of plastic broke off and fell to the floor but the bulb remained stubbornly in the fixture. I thought about helping some more, telling her to "push up on that tab while pulling the bulb down" but the bulb finally was freed by brute force. Well, as much brute force as can be generated by someone who's 5 feet tall and maybe 100 lbs. She handed my the burned out bulb (I wonder if she'll tip me when she's done?) and I got the new bulb out and handed it to her.

It took her quite a bit of wrangling but she finally got it in. I flipped the switched and when it came on she said, "Hey!" and put out her hand for a "high five."

Dad update: Up and walking yesterday. He is on a restricted diet (clear liquids only) and I think that is bothering him more than anything.

Friday, June 22, 2007

I'm Baaaaack

Blog on.

I'm back in Florida and my dad was back in surgery almost exactly 6 months after his last surgery. This time for colon cancer. I read the report of what they planned to do and I thought it said that they were to remove a "large, neurotic mess" and I joked about how I had one of those removed recently, but it actually said "large necrotic mass."

The doctor felt pretty confident that he got the whole thing in one chunk. They don't currently plan and chemo or radiation. They did the surgery through a 4 or 5 inch incision co-located with his bellybutton so now his stomach resembles the Death Star explosion..the enhanced one in the re-released Episode IV...oh, nevermind.

In the airport, while waiting for my connection, I noticed the shirts of the guys sitting across from me. One said, "Let's flip for it. Heads, I get tail. Tails, I get head." The other shirt said, "Let's play army. I lie down and you blow the hell outta me."