If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Monday, October 30, 2006

What Is The Sound Of One Hand Speaking?

It's a culture clash of 1960's proportions. Earlier in a silent coup, the President was overthrown. What wasn't reported was that I. King Yoo (no relation to former President, I. King Jordan), who is not deaf, was caught drinking out of a "deafs only" water fountain. Reaction spread across the Gallaudet campus like the Wave at a football game and could be seen from hundreds of feet away. One passer-by said of the scene, "It was so loud I was nearly blinded."

Protests have been going on around the clock. Some people have complained that the visual noise has kept them awake until they shut their eyes.

Some have suggested that the Deaf need a country of their own. Instead of a name, the country could be denoted with an unpronouncable symbol. I suggest the symbol formerly used by the artist formerly known as "the artist formerly known as Prince".

Where is blind culture?
Stand up if you support wheelchair culture.
Don't like hermaphrodite culture? Go f*ck yourself!

Deaf culture? Within 50 years it'll be "Hear today, gone tomorrow."

Vee Vere Speaking Of Daisies, Ya

Since I have no funny stories I have to resort to stealing them from people I know.

Speaking of which, someone I know is currently working with one of customers in Germany. He is often part of the same lunch group as me and almost as often exclaims "Oh, here we go" when the conversation, almost inevitably, veers off the tracks of normality and into the weeds of uncertainty.

Here's how things are going for him:

I'm beginning to miss the lunch talk, never thought that would be possible. All the system test guys talk German all day long, except when they're talking to me or the Indian contractors. So at lunch they talk German and then look at me at the end of the lunch hour and then tell me what topic they were talking about the whole time. There's also a pecking order for lunch. Apparently I can't say "hey, let's go to lunch". If I do, the answer is always "not yet". I have to wait for my host to get a phone call from his manager telling him it's lunch time, and then he calls me and we all meet in the lobby. Every one has to wait in the lobby until the manager shows up for lunch, or until he calls and tells everyone they can go without him. At the end of lunch, the manager is always the first one to stand up and leave.

Or sometimes they don't call me at all. The pecking order is such that the person who has just been asked to go to lunch by his superior then has the option of asking somebody below him to join, or not.
[stolen with permission]

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Can't Read What You Don't Have

Less and less, people are reading the newspaper these days. Some people say it's because newspapers are out of touch with the younger generation. Some say people don't have the time. Some say it's because of TV or all the news channels.

From a personal standpoint, I'm reading it less because it's not being delivered. I've been getting, no, wait, I was supposed to be getting the paper delivered on weekends the last 4 weeks. I've already had to call 3 times because of non-delivery. Today the CSR told me, "I'll give you a credit for the missing paper." Newsflash: If I didn't want to pay for the paper each week I wouldn't subscribe.

And if things don't change next week, you can add me to the list of people no longer reading the paper.

Update:(10/30) Coincidently, an article about this came out today.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Whole Lotto Nothing

Here are a few things I've learned over the past 30 or so years:
Many engineers are dumber than an average person.
Many doctors are dumber than an average person.
Many dentists are dumber than an average person.
Should I go on?
How about many professors/tutors are dumber than an average person.

MOST of us believe winning lotto is down to the luck of the draw.

But a syndicate of university professors and tutors in Britain thought it could also be related to the principles of mathematical probability.
Wow! What brilliant insight! Mathematical probability! I see a Nobel prize in their future.
"We just weren't winning with the numbers being picked that way, so we thought of a different method which would mean all 49 numbers would be used,' Mr Waterhouse said.
Of course! Using every number guarantees that you will always have the winning numbers. Well, unless they're on different tickets but how often can that happen? How can you lose?
"We just thought that if all the numbers are in use, we must have a good chance of winning and it has proved so[...]"

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Kids Say The Darndest Things

This quote from, I'm embarrassed to say, the show Wife Swap. The 9 year-old son responded with this when told by the new mom/wife (Shannon) that he couldn't wear black clothes for the week.

If you're gonna make us wear bright clothes, oh, life is so flowers and sausages. We can wear the clothes we want to. If you're gonna make us wear light clothes, I'm gonna wear a shirt that says "F*ck off, Shannon" if I can.
I can actually imagine that a person lived on the border of Germany and the Netherlands might use that saying "life is so flowers and sausages" quite a bit, but I think these people were in California.

This is the TV show equivalent of Gibble's Potato Chips.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

This Article Contains 0 g Trans Fat

I don't eat potato chips very often and when I do, I like to try something new. Well, new to me, at least. A few weeks ago I bought some Gibble's. And hey, bonus, 0g trans fats!

They're actually very tasty but occasionally one tastes, I don't know, a bit off. Let's check those ingredients.

potatoes, prime processed lard, salt and TBHQ. Lard? Why on earth do they use lard? Oh, hey, they even explain that.

Do you realize that, commonly, to produce vegetable oil, seeds must be roasted, steel rolled and flooded with hexane solvent to extract the oil, which is then treated with lye, neutralized with hydrochloric acid, filtered through diatomaceous earth, and deodorized under high temperature?

Lard is a rich naturally stable fat, rendered from pork, that provides the true homestyle flavor that most people prefer. Pure energy. Simple and delicious.
Wow! Lard sounds great!

I thought I'd try my hand writing an enticing paragraph for a vegetable oil based chip.
Did you know that, commonly, to produce lard, pigs are first stunned by an electric shock to either side of their neck, then their throats are slit until they bleed to death, they are butchered and the parts considered unfit for eating are heated in giant vats that smell like the mass graves of Srebenica and the liquid that comes out is treated with tertiary butylhydroquinone?
Clearly, I have missed my calling.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Foley Operators Make Weird Noises

From the feedback I get, it seems the posts people enjoy most are the ones where life sh*ts on my new shirt. With this in mind I bring you my travails of the past couple days with my crashed hard drive.

Sorry, I must cut that post short as the Foley story is too good to pass up. I take you live to the Island of Gozo...

[...] the priest said it wasn't abuse because Foley "seemed to like it."
We were just fondling.
It's not like I was IMing him or something.
"See abuse, it's a bad word, you know, because abuse, you abuse someone against his will. But it involved just spontaneousness, you know?"
Mr. Mackey, mkay, says fondling is bad, mkay. Like drugs, mkay. Drugs are bad, mkay.
"I would say that if I offended him, I am sorry, but to remember the good time we had together, you know?" he said. "And how really we enjoyed each other's company. And to let bygones be bygones. Don't keep dwelling on this thing, you know?"
Yes, remember the good times. Any time you need a friend. Good times. Not getting hassled, not getting hustled. Keeping your head above water, making a wave when you can. Temporary layoffs. Good times.

There is much, much more. I cannot quote it all. I close with the Vatican's response:
A Vatican spokesman said that if Foley's allegations are true, "we participate in the pain that this deplorable situation has caused."

"We trust in the competent ecclestial [sic] authorities to investigate and clarify the events that have been reported," said Father Federico Lombardi.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

What Does A Million's Book Look Like?

Come with me on a trip back to late August (cue harp music)...

Before I left for Germany, I had been talking to someone (let's call him Chuck) about the upcoming trip. As I recall, he had been to Germany before and offered to let me borrow a phrase book. A week later I left for Germany without ever receiving the book.

Three weeks later I got back to work and found on my chair a German phrase book. No note, no nothing. Oh well. After a couple of days, I went by Chuck's cube. Since he wasn't around I returned the favor and the book, leaving it on his chair.

That was 3 weeks ago. Today, I ran into another friend (let's call him Million). We discussed the latest rumors at work, the usual stuff. Then he floored me with this:

Million: Did you get that German book I left you?
Me: You?
Million: Yeah, I left you a book on your chair but I think you had already left for Germany.
Me: Uh, yeah, I got it when I got back but I thought someone else had left it and I gave it back to them.

Million didn't seem bothered. I don't think he has any plans to go to Germany soon. On the other hand, I felt like an idiot. I headed over to Chuck's cube. He wasn't there but the book was sitting on his desk.

I could have left a note but at least now either three people have an interesting story about a German phrase book, or two do and one thinks he's losing his mind.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Those Crazy Canucks

I'm currently reading Rogue Messiahs - Tales of Self-Proclaimed Saviors by Colin Wilson. I just read through the account of Roch (aka Rock aka Moses) Theriault. Wikipedia gives you an idea of how f*cked up this guy was. (The account in the book is much longer and more graphic, nearing Aztec proportions.)

[...] Theriault was probably delusional and may have actually believed he could do miracles. In particular, he once tried to resurrect a woman he had killed by sawing the top off her corpse's skull and masturbating into the cavity.
Probably?! Are there non-delusional people that do this?

I am so looking forward to speaking to the next religious zealot that knocks on my door.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

That Deer Came Right Through The Windshield

Even the least sexist person in the world would admit that when it comes to shooting warm fluid all over the windshield of a car, men have a big advantage over women. Well, some men only have a small advantage but most of them have Corvettes.

Well, that advantage has vanished with this nifty invention. If you want to really piss a man off, install one on his Vette.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Enough With The Hiccups

I have discovered another cure for hiccups. Just for a second, consider the cure offered in a previous post. Shazam! Hiccups gone.

Two Posts With The Flimsiest Thread Between Them

I've been waiting for the Pope to officially get rid of limbo but it appears that decision has been delayed for at least a year. Jamacians and drunk Spring Breakers rejoice!

So, without any religious stuff to make fun of, let's take time out for a tech gadget break. I bring you the LASER TV! I assume it is perfect for getting stoned and watching Pink Floyd The Wall.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Kirk: Let Me Help You With Those Hiccups, Scotty

If I read this correctly, Scottish males may be more fertile than female engineers.

"[...] when they were ovulating [...] They tend to put on skirts instead of pants, show more skin and generally dress more fashionably"

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Does Starkist Want Chocolate With Good Taste?

I could have sworn I posted this while I was in Germany. Please embarass me by pointing out the post if I did.

How can you tell whether you've stepped in melted chocolate or in dog poop?

I can say from experience that sometimes, only the smell reveals the answer.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Don't Shake Hands With A Person Who Recently Had Hiccups

I get the hiccups about once every 3 or 4 weeks. I usually use the "hold your breath" method to get rid of them and that works for me.

In thinking about hiccups, I realized that I never get hiccups while I'm at work. And now I know why:

Termination of intractable hiccups with digital rectal massage
Apparently, being at work is similar to receiving a "digital rectal massage". Who would've guessed that?

BTW - The people who found this cure were awarded an IgNobel this year.

I'm Gonna Be Rich

I'm now receiving about 1000 spam a week. Almost all to an email address that does not appear in a Google search but was used by at least 2 different people as their "spam" address. Interestingly, both these people are from California. The first one started, and stopped, many years ago. The second started last year, using the address for his taxes, a tux rental and who knows what else. I found him based on the tux rental address and his MySpace account and he has also stopped using the address. But the damage is done.

Yahoo! does a good job screening out the spam but sometimes one or two will sneak through the filter. Here's the one that tricked the filters today:

Subject: funds transfer from swiss bank,$14 million dollars






Is there actually a person smart enough to use a computer and read e-mail but still dumb enough to respond to this?

OK, you already know the answer. I responded (shouting, of course).





I like the use of "forthwith". It sounds very honest.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Within Spitting Distance Of Humor

I was working on an idea for a post this morning. It would have gone something like this:

If there is one thing you should never expect from a politician (or upper management who are also, essentially, politicians) is an answer to a straight forward question.

"When did you first learn that Rep. Foley wanted to diddle a 16 year-old?"

"Well, let me start by saying..."

When someone starts with "let me start by saying" you will not get an answer. What you will get is oration. Minutes, sometimes hours, of oration. If you're naive, you won't notice. If you ever get past the naivete stage you'll probably go through disappointment, then anger and, if you're lucky, indifference.

For those who are still struggling with the early stages, I offer this helpful advice. What should you do when you hear a politician asked one of these questions? Or your CEO? Expect oration.

But while thinking about this, just before I got into the shower, I somehow smashed my knee on the edge of the bathroom counter top. This made a nice little 1cm x 2mm gouge. After my shower, and despite the depth of the gouge, I decided to put some of that liquid bandage stuff on the wound.

If you read the directions for the liquid bandage it clearly states not to use it on open wounds. I interpret this as something you might have if you ran a chain saw across your leg, not a little gash. So I put a little dab of the stuff on my knee.

After about a quarter of a second, the pain started. A searing, burning, sharp pain that felt like someone was driving a nail right through my leg. No one in history has ever felt a pain like this...but I toughed it out.

After I shaved, I noticed my knee was now bleeding. Well, sort of. There was a big drop of blood hanging there. Much too big to not drip and yet it didn't. But it wasn't just blood. It was part rubbery New Skin. A big glob of rubbery blood. Neat!

So, I did what any normal person would do in this situation. I shaved my knee, cleaned it with expectoration and put a Band-Aid on it.

Monday, October 02, 2006

The Bag, Ladies

I didn't really know what to expect for my hike through the Ahr valley (only a few miles from Nürburgring, for you racing fans). I had my water, some energy bars and my camera but I figured I should also bring some extra socks, in case my feet got soaked. Also, having learned my lesson from Hawaii that no matter how nice the weather seems, have something to protect your camera. Bad news: I was out of plastic bags.

Fortunately, the hotel supplies free bags! These little bags are usually kept right by the toilet. I stuck my camera in one, a pair of socks in another and an open bag of peanuts in a third. That used up all the bags they had. The next day when I saw the housekeeper, she gave me a very strange look, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I didn't get to do the hike I wanted because storms (including a tornado) had destroyed the trails I wanted to hike. I hiked a different trail and there was no rain, not even any clouds. Along the way, I would stop in a rare shady spot and have a bite. One of those spots was a little shelter where several people had stopped.

My pack was a little disorganized and I had to partially empty it to find things. I pulled out my extra socks, in their little bag, and set them on the bench next to me. The woman nearest to me gasped and started speaking rapid fire German to the other women with her. They were all sneaking looks at me when I found my peanuts. Most of the peanuts had fallen out of the peanut bag so it was a good thing I had that extra bag around it. The bag was to long and narrow to fit my hand in so I just held the thing up to my mouth and poured in the nuts.

Two of the women gaped at me. I guess they've never seen someone put their salty nuts in one of those bags! I offered them some, holding the bag out to them. They recoiled in horror, gathered up their things and left the shelter. Some people are so weird.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

This Is Only A Theory...Just Like Evolution

Let's say, hypothetically, that you really liked a movie (like Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie) and that this movie is no longer sold on DVD. You may be able to, hypothetically, buy a used copy for about $100 but who would want to do that?

Now, let's say that you found out that this movie was available but only in a foreign country; how about Germany and for a reasonable price. And let's further suppose that you just happened to be traveling to that country. So you buy a copy.

Now the problem is that your hypothetical movie, that you bought and paid for and that has been released in your country will not play on your DVD player thanks to it being the wrong DVD region. However, you're a pretty smart cookie and probably knew this before you bought it. You probably figured on using DVD Decryptor and/or DVD Shrink to make a hypothetical playable copy of it. You probably knew that you can change the region on most computer DVD players 5 times. Why 5? I have no hypothesis for that.

If you were to hypothetically do all that, then you would have a copy of the movie you might be able to play on a computer but probably wouldn't be able to play on a regular DVD player. And I'll tell you the reason, pal. Sorry, that should have been: I'll tell you the reason, PAL. You see, your hypothetical movie copy would still be in PAL format which is the TV standard in Europe, while NTSC is the standard here in the US. Hypothetically, you might burn two copies of this useless movie without realizing that was the problem.

You might spend some time and do some research about PAL to NTSC conversion, or DVD players that can play PAL DVDs on NTSC TVs. But if you're lucky, you'd stumble across a nifty trick which is to basically tell your DVD player that the movie is NTSC even though it's not. It might work and it might not. It'll cost you the price of a blank DVD to find out. If it does work then you can watch and enjoy your movie. Hypothetically, of course.