If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Glow Mail

Attention teenagers!

Are your parents really getting on your case? Telling you what you can and can't do, what time to be home, do you homework, eat your vegetables, blah, blah, blah.

Well, this is a democracy...not a dictatorship. So if your 'rents are acting like 'tators, order a few thousand of these in their name and George W. Bush himself will personally see to it that democracy is restored to your house!

Also works for annoying co-workers, neighbors who play their music too loud and people who stand in line at the ATM and don't get their card out until after they get to the machine.

Update! A friend pointed out the "Customers Who Bought Items Like This Also Bought" which features mousetraps, anal douches, crotchless knickers, 1 lb. fat replica, electromagnetic field meter, goat's milk and several Resident Evil books.

I really don't want to meet anyone who's bought that uranium.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Miracle Without A Plane Crash

A couple of nights ago I was at the grocery store; Aldi to be specific. I'm at the checkout line and there are two women in front of me. The one currently checking out is trying to use her debit card and it's not working.
She explains how she just used the card earlier that afternoon. The cashier guesses that maybe she doesn't have enough money in the account (her bill is $9 and change). The customer explains that it should automatically overdraft from her savings account. After several attempts she gives up and starts going through her handbag. She finds three dollars and starts working on finding loose change.
Meanwhile, the line at the cashier (there is only one open) grows and people are starting to grumble. And then the Miracle on 7th Street occurred.
The woman in front of me (who may not have been Albanian) offers to pay the first woman's $9+ bill! She does and even refuses to take the $3+change that the first woman had scrounged from her handbag.
Wow! That's about the nicest thing I've ever seen.

Maybe I'll try to get someone to buy my groceries the next time I'm there. (That's a joke people!)

Sunday, November 25, 2007

That's A Moray!

I've recently gotten into astrology (hey, it was a long weekend). Just to be clear, I don't mean that crap in the Comics section of the newspaper or the drivel from some charlatan claiming to be a psychic. No. This is based on billions (yes, billions with a "b") of femtoseconds of my own research. I pass it on to you, loyal reader, at no extra charge.

Here's everything you need to know about real astrology. In Real Astrology, there are very few important symbols, only [insert number here after writing post]. They have nothing to do with what day you were born or the locations of various stars or planets. That's all made up crap.

This is the symbol for Aries.
Aries can represent two different types of people. The first is a person who does things regardless of risk (Magnus Ballus). The second is a person that does things to try to make up for their own inadequacy (Vegrandis Dickus).

Next we have Taurus (Curtus Sperma).
This symbol represents people are messed up because they were originally fertilized by a defective sperm. These people are generally delusional and are incapable of seeing the world as it actually is. Some examples are George W. Bush and all your exes.

Now, we come to the sexual symbols. First, we have Libra (Magnus Buttus Amor).
Libras are skinny people and their big-butted sexual partners.

Next is Gemini, symbol for twinks and bears alike (Duo Homo Erectus).

Next we have Cancer, symbol for women who like to eat carpet (Duo Solum Lingus).
Cancer is often confused with Pisces, symbol for women who prefer double dongs (Dongus Tweenus).

Leo, the extremely flexible, auto-erotic lion is next (Nunquam Recedo Domus).

And stuck at the end is, appropriately, Uranus (Dickus Butkus).

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I Am Not A Crook

News Flash: Politician accused of misleading public!

Here's the quote from former White House spokesperson, Scott McClellan:

The most powerful leader in the world had called upon me to speak on his behalf and help restore credibility he lost amid the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So I stood at the White House briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior-most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.

There was one problem. It was not true.

I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice president, the president's chief of staff, and the president himself.
But wait, here's the best part of the article:
Asked about the released excerpt, White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said, "The president has not misled his spokespeople, nor would he."
Someone wants to write a book.

P.S. - This post has nothing to do with Albania, but just by mentioning that fact it suddenly does.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Ur Guvment @ Werk

I used to think that half the people in the world were stupid. I was wrong.

It's far more than half.

Our brilliant government leaders, fearing the worst Thanksgiving airport debacle ever, have issued guidelines to speed you through the airport.

Pack in layers. One layer of clothes. One layer of electronics.
In addition to thinking up this great advice, they are putting on posters were as many travelers as possible can see it.

In the airport. I know I always do my packing at the airport so this would be a great help to me (except I'm not flying this Thanksgiving, darn!)

Also, we have a nominee for dumbest quote of the year,
"Whether or not the (TSA) campaign is effective, the effort is certainly welcome because, with 27 million-plus people scheduled to fly over Thanksgiving, every effort to speed up the security checkpoint will help," says David Castelveter, spokesman for the Air Transport Association, the major airline trade group.
Every effort, useful or not, will help? What are the requirements for that job, other than a C in your ESL class? And, if you follow these recommendations you can reduce your 3 hour wait by...three minutes!

If you really want to get through the airport faster here's what you should do (or should have done).
  • Don't fly from a big airport.
  • Don't fly to a big airport.
  • Don't fly through a big airport.
  • Don't use the word "bomb" in any way.
  • Don't look Middle Eastern.
  • Don't wear shoes.
If you follow these simple rules, you can easily save 5 minutes on your trip.

No need to thank me.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Noticias De La Musica

There was a discussion the other day about a couple songs with the word "vaseline" in them, mainly who sang them.

I decided to try the website midomi to identify them. I couldn't get a hit on either of them. I was sure one was by Bush because someone had given me the CD. After browsing through my CDs a couple times I came to the only possible conclusion: I had lost my Bush CD!

Until I found the Stone Temple Pilots CD with the Vaseline song. D'oh!

The other song was harder to find but I eventually got it. It was The Flaming Lips song She Don't Use Jelly.

Could midomi find anything? I decided to try Girl from Ipanema and voila! It found it! Very cool. I tried humming Take 5 but got nothing. I tried I Like Big Butts but didn't get crap. Last I tried Oye Como Va and that one worked!

Conclusion: midomi works great with Spanish music but is biased against whites and blacks.

Update: Since everybody is antisemitic, I decided to check If I Were A Rich Man (from Fiddler on the Roof). The main match was some song by Gwen Stefani but a couple down from it was the Fiddler match. Then I played the Gwen Stefani song to see why it matched and now I just feel old...so terribly old.

Friday, November 09, 2007

That's What She Said

Interesting article on exercising while pregnant and after. Too bad it left out what I thought was the most amazing part. In an interview after the marathon, the winner, Paula Radcliffe, was asked about her training and said that she continued to run twice a day for the first 5 months of pregnancy, cut down to once a day through the seventh month and then every other day after that until the day before she gave birth!

People think I'm crazy to have run the race and I haven't even had a kid...

at least, none that I know of.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Who's Dick Burns?

You've been sickened by my Scrapple eating and repulsed by Kimchi chocolates. These are kid's play compared to the guy who eats weird meat including bull penis and baby bee larvae. Enjoy!

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Lazy Post Jumped Over The Quick Marathoner

Unlike most days, today's marathon blog post is worth reading.