If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Cyanide Is Natural

Apparently, Pizza Hut has a new pizza product called "The Natural". It features "a multigrain crust, all-natural pepperoni or Rustica sausage, all-natural mozzarella cheese and all-natural sauce made from vine-ripened tomatoes".

Alternatively you can still order their other pizzas: pan, thin, hand-tossed, stuffed crust. I assume these feature unnatural pepperoni, unnatural cheese and unnatural sauce. Or maybe their regular stuff is only partially unnatural? Which parts? And really, is there anything natural about pepperoni?

And why is natural better? Is natural wider? Because e aho laula--wider is better--if wider is natural than natural is better!

On the other hand, I've eaten some "natural" products that were not better in any way, shape, form or taste. Fish milk cheese ranks right at the top of this list.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

And He Stuck A Finger Up His Nose And Came Down With The Flu

Christ - from the Greek kristos meaning annointed
mas - from the Spanish meaning more

And so I give you the true meaning of Christmas.


Somewhere in the Mideast, it is Passover, the Jewish New Year, which because of the crazy lunar calendar falls just after the winter solstice this year. There are thirteen Mexican landscapers sitting on one side of a long table having a feast. The one in the middle is Sus (soos). The tortillas have been overcooked and are crisp and crunchy. They were out of flour so they had to make them from corn (maize) and they called them maiztah.

The evening arrived; the apostles took their places. The master, in his cook's uniform, stationed himself at the copper; his pauper assistants ranged themselves behind him; the gruel was served out; and a long grace was said over the short commons. The gruel disappeared; the apostles whispered each other, and winked at Sus; while his next neighbours nudged him. Latino as he was, he was desperate with hunger, and reckless with misery. He rose from the table; and advancing to the master, basin and spoon in hand, said: somewhat alarmed at his own temerity:

"Please, sir, I want some more."

The master was a fat, healthy man; but he turned very pale. He gazed in stupefied astonishment on the small rebel for some seconds, and then clung for support to the copper. The assistants were paralysed with wonder; the apostles with fear.

"What!" said the master at length, in a faint voice.

"Please, sir," replied Sus, "I want some more."

The master aimed a blow at Sus's head with the ladle; pinioned him in his arms; and shrieked aloud for the beadle.

The board were sitting in solemn conclave, when Mr. Iscariot rushed into the room in great excitement, and addressing the gentleman in the high chair, said,

"Mr. Pilate, I beg your pardon, sir! Hey! Sus has asked for more!"

There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance.

"For more!" said Mr. Pilate. "Compose yourself, Judas Iscariot, and answer me distinctly. Do I understand that he asked for more, after he had eaten the supper allotted by the dietary?"

"He did, sir," replied Iscariot.

"That man will be crucified," said the gentleman in the white waistcoat. "I know that Haysus will be crucified."

And that's why everyone gets presents from Santa on Christmas.

This story is traditionally told on Dec. 26th...and that's where Boxing Day comes from.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Didn't I See This In Saw IV?

Problem: As an overbearing, control freak parent you direct nearly everything your child does from what sports they play to what classes they take to what friends they have (ha! like these kids have friends). What could possibly be left?

Well, how about controlling their eating habits? No, no, no. Not just what they eat but how they eat it. First pick up the Kami Kami, then with a little help from your engineer friend, hook it up to one of those invisible dog fence shock collars. Now, if your kid doesn't chew his food enough (a number you control!) ZZZZZAP! Your kid will say they love you more than ever...

Until they kill you.

Thanks to occasional reader eLarge (a name I've made to protect his identity except from Germans) for this gem.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Wrong Way On A One Way Herbstreet

I've been having an argument with Herb Kirkstreet about who is the best tenor: Pavarotti, Domingo or Carreras?

We both agree that head-to-head, Pavarotti is better than Carreras, Carreras is better than Domingo and Domingo is better than Pavarotti. When forced to rank all three, I put them:

  1. Pavarotti
  2. Domingo
  3. Carreras
But Dirk Birdbeak disagrees. He insists that since Domingo is better than Pavarotti, Domingo must be rated higher. He says it "is only logical."

When I questioned whether Dork Nerdstink understood the meaning of the word "logical", he seemed to get upset. He stood and I saw something that looked like a rat running down his pant leg. He grabbed for the rat, which turned out to be a gun, and accidentally shot himself in the leg.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hey! My Eyes Are Down Here!

Did I not post this yet? I must be losing it.

If you don't recognize the costume, it's Gir from Invader Zim.

Hey! I just noticed the tongue and zipper! Funny!

Thanks Zimbo!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Do You Want A Hummer From This Woman?

I have a low opinion of politicians. I assume they are all crooks, liars and/or pedophiles. Many don't seem too bright.

But Senator Barbara A. Mikulski from Maryland is currently topping my list in the "not too bright" category. Here's her plan.

Under Mikulski's plan, which she said she'll introduce in the Senate next week, consumers will be able to deduct the sales tax and the interest paid on a car loan, if a vehicle is purchased between today and Dec. 31. The tax break is available for cars priced under $49,500.
Sorry, I was temporarily blinded by the brilliance of the plan.
"It's simple, it's targeted, it's timely and it's temporary," Mikulski said.
It is idiotic and mainly will serve to move auto sales that were planned for early next year, into this year. It will also effectively move money from the wallets of people who don't buy a car in the next few weeks (or who don't qulaify for the tax break) to those that do. Finally, it will effectively undo 30 years of hard work for people trying to eliminate a certain stereotype of people of Polish decent.

If you voted for this woman, I urge you to punch yourself in the face. You certainly deserve it.

Monday, November 10, 2008

You Only Rent It

I just got my morning cup of water. The water fountain happens to be right next to the bathroom and I witnessed the following:

  • Man exits bathroom.
  • Man walks around corner and then waits for elevator.
Now, if you take the glass-half-full view, then it must be that the bathroom on the other floor is closed for cleaning.

The glass-half-empty view means I shouldn't visit the bathroom on this floor for at least an hour.

Maybe I'll pass on drinking my morning cup of water.

Friday, November 07, 2008

And A Lake Michigan Full Of Astroglide

I've got to apologize for a mistake I made at lunch the other day. I incorrectly referred to the Chicago Spire as have the shape of a "butt plug". That was wrong. I confused it with this building in London.
Here's an artist rendering of the Chicago Spire...
...which is clearly shaped like a butt screw, not a butt plug.

My bad!

Monday, November 03, 2008

Grease Was The Word


That was the last time we had a President, House and un-filibuster-able Senate all from the same party. Yes, those sure were the economic good old days.

I can remember my dad telling me how he bought gasoline for 36 cents a gallon while we waited in a line around the block to fill up the car. Only to drive away disappointed when they ran out.

Unemployment was down to 7% from the crazy 8% it was just a couple years before. My WIN button kept inflation at a tiny 8%. I'll look through my belongings and see if I can find it. I have a feeling I'm going to need it.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The First Will Shower You, The Second Will Dump On You

Most of Candidate #1's voters are:

  • straight ticket voters
  • single issue (abortion) voters
  • single issue (gun control) voters
  • naive voters
  • ignorant voters
  • voters who want change
  • racists
Most of Candidate #2's voters are:
  • straight ticket voters
  • single issue (abortion) voters
  • single issue (gun control) voters
  • naive voters
  • ignorant voters
  • voters who want change
  • racists
Which one are you? (Saying you are "none of these" likely means you are ignorant.)

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

Let's say you're in a garden. You and your spouse. And the owner of the garden plants a new tree; an apple tree. The owner tells you not to eat the apples.

Question 1: Do you eat the apples that the owner told you not to?

Question 2: If you did eat an apple, would it be acceptable for the owner to punish you? How about punishing your kids? Grand kids?

Question 3: Does the above scenario relate to slavery, Albanian blood feuds or Genesis?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

What'll It Be, Guvna?

Several years ago, when I visited London, I ate at a restaurant called Champor-Champor. Apparently, I also signed up with them to send me specials, which they do about once a year. This year's pre-Christmas menu is very amusing in its pretentiousness.


LUNCH: £25 (two courses*); £29.50 (three courses)

DINNER: £27.50 (two courses*); £32 (three courses)

Bread selection and canapés (please note canapés are not offered at lunchtime)


Chicken liver, duck liver and bird eye chilli parfait; deep fried puri bread; spiced cranberry jam

Waterchestnut and salmon fish cake; baby octopus umai; Hong Kong style XO sauce

Home-made lamb, Japanese pepper and kesum leaf sausage; Gujerati carrot salad

Tea smoked ostrich fillet, marbled quail eggs and celeriac mash; sesame and soy dressing

Chick pea, curry leaf and tofu falafel with plum tomato and Thai basil chutney (v)

INTER-COURSE (£2.80 supplement)

Coffee, khalua and clove granita

Chinese plum mulled wine and jaggery granita


Malay festive water buffalo rendang; Kelantanese herb rice; deep-fried fish

Malaccan-Portuguese king prawn Bostador; Goanese steamed sanna bread; vegetable achar

Malay Royalty ‘opor burung’: boneless quail in thick, spicy and creamy curry; steamed jasmine rice; Indian rasam

Nonya venison in sweet soy and cinnamon sauce; coconut rice; green mango somtam

Indonesian style vegetarian ‘nasi ambeng’- a concoction of dishes including rice, curries and fried vermicelli (v)


Rich chocolate mousse cake; rum-pickled green chilli cream

Poached plum trifle; Christmas pudding ice cream

Five spice and black pepper cake; cranberry parfait

Anyway, don't be put off by the crazy names. My recollection was that the food was pretty tasty...or at least different.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

This Post Wanders More Than A Jew In The Desert

Apparently, the leader of Hamas has stated that the recent financial crisis is punishment from God.

"We see it as God's punishment for the criminals (U.S. and its Western allies). Nothing is more unjust than occupying an Islamic state. Nothing is more unjust than keeping the Palestinian people under occupation for over 60 years," Ismail Haniyeh told worshippers before Friday prayers in the Gaza Strip.

"They deprived our people of money and now God has deprived them of money. They besieged our people and now they are besieged by the punishment of God," Haniyeh said.
Let me get this straight. First, God waited 60 years (!) to do something? Does God not realize how long that is to people? No, that's not possible since He is omniscient. Maybe He has been trying to punish the West for years but has not been successful? No, He's omnipotent, all-powerful.

Powerful enough to flood the world, turn wives into salt, kill your first born or even turn your staff into a slithering snake. But yet, not powerful enough to blow up a bus without the help of a true believer who gets to go to Heaven and be with 72 virgins. This would be the same Heaven invented about 2000 years ago by rabbis because their followers were pretty upset that despite being the "chosen people" they were really getting crapped on by the Romans and other non-chosen's.

When the followers demanded reasons, the rabbis made up Heaven and Hell. Your reward for living a crappy life on Earth was an eternity (man, that is much longer!) in Heaven while the crappers would spend their eternity in Hell. A crappy 50 years or so now vs. a crappy forever for the crappers seemed like a pretty good deal.

It was adopted by Christianity and Islam but changed a bit so that non-Christians (or non-Moslems) replace the crappers. So it was not only no longer enough to not crap on people, you had to be part of the group. Even better, just being part of the group made you a non-crapper even if you crapped all over people?

How can you not love a God with a sense of humor like that?

Friday, October 10, 2008

Brought To You By The Wildebeat

I been watching the Flight of the Concords this week. Here's a taste of one of their songs:

Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

Monday, October 06, 2008

Who Wants To Win A Nobel Prize?

Caveat. It'll be in Economics. Still interested?

A market can only support a certain percent of capital seeking "better than average" returns.

Let's say you have a trillion dollar market and it averages 10% return. If a billion dollars goes for returns of 20%, the rest still gets 9.98%. No big deal.

If you raise that to 10 billion in chasers, the rest gets 9.8%. At 100 billion, the rest gets 8.88% and things are f*cked.

Just flesh that out (i've done the hard work already) and wait a decade or two and you'll be a Nobel Prize winner.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Why Are My Co-Workers So Fat?

If you are lucky enough to work with me and smart enough to come in to work today, I brought in Strawberry-Banana Cobbler. Please to enjoy.

People always want recipes. Off the top of my head, I think it's something like this:

  • 6 T. butter
  • 3/4 cup flour
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 1 tsp. baking powder
  • 1/4 tsp. salt
  • 6 oz. milk
  • 2 very ripe bananas (sliced into cereal-eating size) and 4 strawberries (halved)
Preheat oven to 350F. You might as well put the butter in a 9" round cake pan and melt it in the oven.

Mix flour, most of the sugar, baking powder and salt in a bowl. Mix in the milk until just combined (don't over mix, you don't need to get all the lumps out). Pour mix into the pan with the melted butter (don't stir). Toss in the fruit.

If you want a simple recipe then sprinkle the remaining couple of tablespoons of sugar over the top. Bake 40-50 minutes.

If you want the complex recipe then bake for about 30 minutes, then sprinkle the remaining sugar over the top and bake for another 10-20 minutes.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Or Maybe A Jowl Tax

You know what we need? A poll tax.

If you go look that up on Wikipedia it's going to tell you that a poll tax is a tax applied per person. It'll also tell you that Americans generally call a tax that's required to vote a "poll tax".

Neither of these is what I'm referring to. I want a poll tax that taxes polling. Jebus, every frickin' day there's at least one or two new polls about who people plan to vote for in the upcoming election. There are polls about who won the debate. There are polls about who's better for the economy, who'll be better for change, who'll take a bigger dump. Who gives a flying f*ck?

The poll tax will be $1 for the first poll, doubling for every subsequnt poll. In three days we'll raise enough to pay for the financial system bailout.

And you'll be able to say it was paid for by the people with the most poll.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Cindy Gives Him Mr. Potato Head

Sometimes I spend an inordinate amount of time on something and afterward I look back and wonder "What the hell was I thinking?"

Today was one of those days.

By the way, the actual sweet potato fries are quite good.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

These Aren't The Rotors You're Looking For

Recently, I went to get my brake pads replaced.

Sleazy car guy: We recommend resurfacing the rotors and replacing the brake fluid when you replace the pads.
me: Do the rotors need resurfacing?
SCG: We recommend it when you replace the pads.
me: Do they need resurfacing?
SCG then launched into some explanation about how the pads create a groove in the rust and the rotors get some kind of coating and who knows what. I can see he was sure this would do the trick.
me [already knowing I'm not getting the rotors resurfaced]: If I don't get them resurfaced, can I get that done later?

This is a psychological trick. He can't say no (unless he wants to lie). He either answer yes or avoid the question altogether (in which case I will just repeat it). He tells me I could do it later and I tell him to just change the pads and nothing else.

If you're going to sell me some unnecessary garbage you better try much harder than that.

Or have less appendages.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Maybe It's The Restrictor Plates We Installed On Our Brains

In a desperate attempt to be classified as a sport, NASCAR has instituted a random drug test policy for drivers and crew.

This might have been a good idea back in the Fred Flintstone days but now? I think they'd be better off drug testing the fans but then they'd have empty stands.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I Got The Scoop

New study finds that overweight kids have more headaches.

Adult obesity already has been tied to headaches, so helping kids get into the normal weight range could prevent years of pain and disability, Hershey says.
Study done by Hershey?!

Possible causes for this link:
  • Other kids always yelling at them "Hey Fatty Fatty!"
  • All that extra weight is stretching the skin across the top of their skulls.
But there is something that causes both headaches and obesity and so it is a likely culprit:
Ice cream!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

If I Could Stop Thinking About It, I'd Be Sleeping

On my recent vacation I got a nice skullburn. It was so bad that one day I looked like a human love-meter that was pegged. Whatever I touched started to melt in my clutch. I'm too much.

Last week things started peeling. That much flesh hasn't fallen from such heights since 9/11. (Too soon?)

I had to do something so I tried moisturizer which seemed to work but only briefly. I wasn't about to bring moisturizer to work and rub it on my skull every 10-15 minutes. Plus, if I brought it in, I'd have to hide my tissues. I don't want to be one of those guys that have tissues and moisturizer on their desks. That is creepy.

It's about a week later and the peeling continues unabated (that's una-, not mastur-). And now I think the twice a day moisturizing might be making things worse. On top of that, it doesn't feel like theirs much skin covering my skull. How many layers do I have left? Pretty soon it'll be down to the bone and I'll look like I escaped from Body Worlds or something.

Chorus to a song I'm working on (to the tune of Lyin' Eyes):
You can eye my peeling hide
And it don't help to moisturize
I turned so red 'cause I'm so white
There ain't no way to defy my peeling hide

Friday, September 12, 2008

HTTP Error 417

I'm thinking about writing a short story. So far all I have is some character names: the protagonist, Harold Thomas Baggs; his bastard half-brother, John Thomas; and Harold's love interest, Anita Waxman.

The story will be in the action-adventure genre. Harry T. and Anita (who claims she can't stand Harry but actually has a velcro-like attachment to him) are searching for the mysterious Brazilian. The only thing that can get between them is John. Expect a lot of close shaves, smooth talking (and my razor sharp wit) as they slice their way through the forbidden jungle.

I'm trying to generate a little buzz so first I'll write a little snippet.

Saturday, September 06, 2008


Had a very nice flight out to Vegas. I met up with my friend at the airport and then

flight home was very smooth. Just in time for the hurricane!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Spreading The News

Breaking News:
Bozo the Clown is not John McCain's Vice Presidential pick. This is confirmed by two of my sources: Kamans Ents and Hooda F. Kairs.

And now for the important stuff, CNN has an article with eight bad reasons to have sex. In the interest of balance, here is the view from a possible hookie.
Revenge - "Hooking up with his best friend because you're angry at your boyfriend will get you nowhere." Until my friends get better taste in women, there's nothing to worry about here.
Ego Gratification - "You must be fine if that scorching hot bartender took you home." Wow, that would take some heavy duty beer goggles!
Appliance Envy - I'll crank the AC down to 72 and then we can heat things up with my 52 incher!
Weight Loss - "a 120-pound woman burns only 57 calories during 15 minutes of sex." That's the same number of calories as a dead fish. Try being a little more active.
Clarity - Apparently, you are actually a lesbian but unwilling to admit it. Maybe that's why you only burn 57 calories during sex.
Mercy - "Misery loves company -- good luck getting him out of your apartment." That's why you should go to his place.
Quid Pro Quo - "Just because he bought you a lobster doesn't mean you need to give up dessert." If you never buy dinner, then it is quid pro quo.
Fame by Association - "fame is not transmissible through intimate contact." perhaps you can raise your self esteem enough to move into the quid pro quo group.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Desperado, Why Don't You Come To Your Senses?

Welcome to another edition of JayGadget, highlighting only the weirdest and most dubious products known to man me.

The Gerber 22-80066 Carnivore Blood Tracking Light, TRAX Blood Tracking Technology with Sheath is, well, I think the name pretty much speaks for itself. On second thought, let's check that description:

Illuminating a blood trail is important when tracking wounded game through thick woods and underbrush. For a long time now experienced hunters have known that a combination of red and white or red and blue lighting would help to illuminate a blood trail. The Gerber Carnivore Blood Tracking Light incorporates a bright Xenon light to follow a blood trail in low light conditions and can be easily switched with one hand for night tracking by utilizing the Carnivore’s four red and four blue LED bulbs.
Reading that it is immediately obvious that this device is for inept (unable to kill with one shot), patriotic (red, white and blue lights!) hunters. So, if you're closer to a crack pot than a crack shot and you love America more than your Bonbon eating, NASCAR loving, trailer trash wife then this baby is for you!

Here are some of the user comments. First the good:
"I'll Have a Blood Light! [...] I can follow a blood trail easily using this tracking device!" [Your Friend, Ted Bundy]

"I really can't say much about the product, it was a gift for my boyfriend and he seems to be happy with it." [but now I only see him 3 weeks a month. Weird!]

"i tryed this out on ketchup in the yard in the dark" [and it led me to a wounded tomato plant]
And the bad:
"one important aspect of this item that is not made clear is that is will only work for tracking blood during the night. it does not work during the day. I thought the light would make blood stand out for a daytime track, but I tested it and it does not." [Instead, I had to actually follow the limping, dying deer.]

"If I knew how this product actually worked and were thinking about buying one, I wouldn't. " [Your Friend, Yogi Berra]

"I have found that if I use the tracking light too long my eyes seem to function poorly [...]" [But it works okay if you point it the other direction.]

"Hopefully next years hunting season will be colder so the blood will stay 'wet' for better tracking ability." [Otherwise, what will I do with this set of 'blood' tires?]
And the disturbing:
"I poured a blood trail as a test of the Carivore [...] Despite the fact that I knew where the trail lead I could not follow it with the Carnivore. I contacted Gerber to see if I was using the light correctly [...]" [They told me that I should start with mushed bananas and not introduce blood until 6 months.]

"I tested this light on a fresh blood trail and even a pool of blood in the back of my truck" [It's one of those endless pools so it doesn't take up much space. My wife made me get it but now she doesn't use it any more."
As far as the "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" section, there's the expected hunting books and tree stands and such. And of course The Very Best of The Eagles CD because no hunt is complete without a little Eagles. I suggest In The Long Run while tracking.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Citius, Altius, Fortius

In case you don't speak Latin that means "if your sport is entirely based on judging then you can't whine about the judging when it goes against you".

And, for those that don't know, Modern Pentathlon consists of the following five sports:

  1. Shooting: Air Pistol
  2. Fencing: Epee
  3. Swimming: 200m freestyle
  4. Equestrian: Show Jumping
  5. Running: 3000m cross country
None of which completely rely on subjective judging.

Fun Facts:
  • The Albanians are not expected to medal in Modern Pentathlon.
  • The Albanians do not have any competitors in Modern Pentathlon.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Keep It Clean, Jerk

Just in case you're bored with what NBC decides you can watch, you can watch some Olympic sports online...assuming your cable company has an agreement with NBC. If you don't, then you'll be envious of your neighbors who have DirecTV because when then enter that they have DirecTV they can watch anything they want. And all they have to do is say they have DirecTV!

I wish I had DirecTV. Then I could watch the 55kg women's snatch. That is something that we only get to see once every 4 years.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Heaven Can Wait, Too

Had I seen this billboard when I was in high school, I would have never become an engineer.

Friday, August 15, 2008


On July 15, 2008 I received this email. I highlighted in red a couple of key phrases.

Dear US Airways customer,

As you can read in the attached letter signed by 12 airline CEOs, US Airways and other carriers in partnership with the Air Transport Association (ATA) are joining a broad coalition of consumer and industry groups calling upon Congress to take swift action to reign in irresponsible oil speculators. We advocate putting common sense limits on unchecked oil speculation by paper traders who are running up the price, but do not intend to take possession of the oil they trade.

While the reasons for surging oil prices are complex, common sense tells us that escalating prices are more than a supply and demand issue. In the long term, we must reduce our dependence on foreign oil. The airline industry fully supports maximum efforts to increase domestic production of oil, alternative energy sources and conservation. But there is also a short term problem which has significantly impacted the price of oil.

While this is not the only solution, it is perhaps the quickest way to stop or reduce the rising price of oil. Without immediate oil speculation reform by Congress there will likely be additional service level reductions and higher airfares. We urge you to contact your representatives in Congress immediately.

Thank you for your support and business during this unprecedented time for our industry.
Notice that they offer no shred of evidence except "common sense" that speculators were driving up the price of oil. They also explain that if I don't do something they will provide even sh*ttier service at a higher price.

Then, less than 2 weeks later on July 25, 2008, I received this email.
Dear US Airways customer,

Several weeks ago, we wrote to you about skyrocketing oil prices and the impact that those prices are having on your quality of life. We urged you to get involved, learn more about the problem and to contact your members of Congress.

You heard us and you acted. Millions of messages flooded Congress, resulting in dozens of bills being introduced to address the need for increased energy supplies, conservation and the problems caused by poorly regulated market speculation.

Unfortunately, action on these critical measures is stalled in Congress and we need to jump-start the process before Members leave in August for their summer recess.

Please contact Congress and tell them not to leave Washington without addressing and resolving the energy crisis. Let us work together to help this country begin the process of restoring the health of our economy.

Thank you for your support and business during this unprecedented time for our industry.
I assume the "quality of life" they are talking about is the sh*ttier service they would provide if nothing was done. They then play the fear card again that this problem must be "solved" now. And then they throw in the patriotism line towards the end.

In case you're not following, allow me to translate:
Dear US Airways (soon to be former) customer,

As you know, US Airways is one of the worst run businesses of all time. Only on rare occasions have we made a profit and our losses overall far exceed those meager profits. Meanwhile, our executives have been paid handsomely despite not knowing how to run a business.

We totally f*cked up by not hedging oil prices, like Southwest Airlines did, but instead we'll blame some faceless people, say speculators, who have the added benefit of being linked with 3 or 4 of the Deadly Sins which should appeal to our mostly non-thinking customers.

We're on the brink of bankruptcy due to our incompetence and although we, the executives, will still be payed plenty during that time and come through with flying colors, it won't look good on our resumes and we'll probably have to make drastic cut backs like ordering business cards in bone instead of the ones with watermarks.

We know that most of our customers are easily manipulated idiots. Even better, we live in a country where easily manipulated idiots choose the leaders of the country. On that basis, we ask you to write Congress. Tell them to invade Saudi Arabia and take their oil. If you do, we promise a return to the good old days of flying. Wink, Wink. If you don't, we'll replace the seats with "leaners", pipe in screaming baby sounds and ensure an "I only bath once-a-month" Frenchman is next to you on every flight.

Thank you (for being a moron)
Incredibly, even though Congress did nothing, oil prices have fallen dramatically. I'm sure the execs will take all the credit for that.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Start Track & Field Already!

Here are some Olympic notes:

Funny Interesting Names:
There's an Israel swimmer named Nimrod and a N. Korean soccer player named Kum Suk. I thought someone was named Feather Cox but it turned out they said Heather.

Sports we need to see less of:

  • Handball - Basketball with a lacrosse net. I generally like the oddball sports but dodgeball would be more interesting to watch.
  • Fencing - These people are amazingly quick. So quick you can not possibly see what is going on. Desperately needs constant slo-mo and fencing's version of the blue hockey puck.
  • Badminton - You know a sport has a problem when the most interesting thing the announcer can say is "these raquets weigh only 3 ounces!"
  • Swimming - Haven't I seen this event before? Yes. I have because they're all the same event! And big surprise, all won by the same guy!
  • Gymnastics - Same as swimming but worse because they actually do repeat the exact same events. Also, I feel creepy watching 16 year-olds in skin tight outfits. Can't they wear sweats? Also, the announcers for gymnastics are the worst. Al Trautwig doesn't know what he is talking about and the other guy is just too biased. And also, men's gymnastics defeats the whole point of watching gymnastics.
Not a sport but medal ceremonies need to go, too. I already know who won I don't need to listen to their anthem.

And how is shooting a sport? It's a skill for sure but so is plumbing but that's not in the Olympics.

"Watch when he sets that elbow pipe and then, right there, major crack! That's a three tenths deduction. I don't know if he can make that up in plunging. What a shame."

During the China vs. Canada women's soccer match, the poorly enunciating announcer proclaimed a "kick vagina" and when I turned to watch I realized it was a free "kick for China".

Friday, August 08, 2008

What A Pain In The Ass

You can read about the televangelist's wife and the trial that accuses her of assaulting a flight attendant on her first-class flight to Vail but, in case you don't, here's the money paragraph:

According to court documents, Brown says that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident involving Victoria Osteen and said her faith was affected.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Did You Mean Microspores?

Just in case you were worried that America wasn't doing enough to keep the obesity crown, worry no more.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

When You Drive Your Car Over It, It Will Pop

Sometimes a product comes along and I think, "What a great idea!" Then I see the price and I think, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Such is the case with the new CherryPal cloud computing PC. Here's the idea, take a PC and remove the expensive DVD drive, replace the hard drive with online storage, replace the processor with something cheap, use Linux and run everything via Firefox on the Web. Based on the name, I assume the case is semen proof, or at least semen resistant. And it only uses 2 watts! Great idea!

Now, charge $250 for it (not including monitor, keyboard or mouse) and serve up ads every time the user opens a program. Anagram that and it all spells Best Failing Product of the Year!

Friday, July 25, 2008

You Know What They Say, "Big Screen, Big Pic"

I got a new TV and it was delivered yesterday. It replaces an old 46" rear projection model. When the delivery guy saw it, he asked what I was going to do with it.

Me: I'll sell it it.
DeliveryDude: Really? I delivered one of these the other day and the woman there tried to give me her old set; just like this one.
Me: Hmm.
DD: Yeah, for free! But it was just me that day and I couldn't get it down the steps.
Me: Yeah, they're pretty heavy.
DD: Yeah, I thought about it but I didn't want it to fall on top of me! You need help moving this one?
Me: Nope. It's on wheels. I'll just roll it over here.
DD: Oh...

One interesting feature of the TV is it has one of those tiny slots that you can use with a laptop cable thingy to lock it to something. Somehow, I don't see that being much of an impediment.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

When Empty, It's An Itching Wedge

Guaranteed to keep you out of the woods!
That is my number one issue.
... designed from a lightweight resin with a molded grip.
Like my cell phone which I use to answer calls.
Every aspect of this piece of equipment has been meticulously worked out to make it simple and trouble free to use.
As easy as shaking hands with the President!
... intended to eliminate anxiety and any feeling of uneasiness on the course.
OK. What is going on here?
The cap opens and closes easily and is designed with a triple sealing system to ensure that it is leak proof.
Oh! It's for smuggling liquor!
Capacity: Over half a liter, ...
Enough for a foursome!
Length: Like a standard 7 iron.
That's what she said!
... freedom of the hands to manipulate the club...
That's what ... oh, wait. I used that one already. Uhmmm.
How else would I manipulate it? With my mouth? That's what ... oh, never mind.
and zipper.
... holds twice the volume commonly urinated.
Oh, god! I wonder how much vomit it can hold! Hllluuurrrk!

click for more info

Bonus: funny commercial. "Looks like you're just checking out your club!"

Also, if you've been golfing recently and you thought people mistakenly took you for being from the Continent when they yelled, "Hey! European!", they probably thought you were using this club.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Equivalence Is Hard To Type

:) - classic smiley

:-) - alternative smiley w/ nose

:--) - Jewish smiley

(:--) - observant Jewish smiley w/ yarmulke

C(:≡-| - Hasidic Jewish non-smiley w/ big hat and peyes (those crazy sideburns)

They never smile.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008


If you want to run while it's still cool out down here in South Florida, you need to wake up very early.

Early February to be specific. After that you are in for a experience different from any other.

I was up at 6:30 this morning. I have non-Seinfeldian parents who keep the house quite cold. Not "cool" but "cold". To give you an idea, the ice cream I accidently left out last night will need to warm in the freezer for a few days to be scoopable.

After a quick snack and some stretching I was ready to head out. My parents go in and out through the garage exclusively. I thought it was simply a matter of convenience. I decided to use the front door since I didn't want to leave the garage open. It was difficult to open the door (Florida doors generally open out) and the reason was the immense water pressure outside. Still I was able to squeeze out.

Once outside, a thick film enveloped me as water condensed on my ice cold skin. Instantly, I was 10 pounds heavier. I started to run, or more correctly, dog paddle.

Now I'm sweating profusely and decide to turn right out of my parent's twenty foot long driveway. I'm wearing one of those "wicking" T-shirts but it seems to be working in reverse. I'd take my shirt off but there are a lot of people out walking and they probably just ate.

After about 200m I realize that my pace is only slightly slower than record freestyle swimming pace set just the other day. Maybe I should run in one of those Speedo Laser suits?

Four Florida miles later (that's 28 normal miles) I pack it in and head back to the freezer. Smoke pours off me like a cheesy Sci-Fi movie laboratory experiment or a 4-chord song.

In tribute to a few movies I've seen recently, I'll end here, right in the middle of my story.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Florida Without Old Is Only Fair

Nothing like a trip to Florida to provide a little blog fodder.

Waiting for the plane to board, an old guy sat a couple seats down from me. There were also some other people further down the row. When they started calling rows, an old couple came down the row and said, "Excuse me," to the old guy nearby. I turned and looked.

The wife repeated, "Excuse me!" Then, "Can we get by?" This was pretty loud. The guy nearby did not move. I tried to watch his chest to see if he was breathing. Frankly, the guy appeared dead.

Until the wife tapped him, restarting his heart, saving his life and getting him to stop blocking the aisle--all in one move.

We had a full plane. The last few people were loading and among them was a woman and her three young children (4, 6 and 8 years old, I'd guess). They did not have their seats together. One middle seat here, a window seat there and a window/middle pair right in front of me. The woman instructed what appeared to be the oldest to go sit in the lone middle seat and the middle child to take the single window. Now she was ready to sit with her youngest ahead of me. There was an old guy sitting in the aisle seat.

She pointed at the open seats and said that those were her seats. The guy did not move.

She again explained that those were her seats and could he please let them in.

After a pause he shouted, "That's my wife up there!" pointing several rows ahead. "Can you switch so I can sit with her?"

"I'm sorry, I need to sit with my four year old," was the reply.

"Can you switch so I can sit with her?" he repeated. Meanwhile, the aisle is blocked. The few people that need to sit are this woman and her kid and a couple of people stuck behind her.

I'm thinking two things. First is an explicative. Second is "What is this guy deaf and blind? Let her sit with her kid you self-centered jackass."

He pointed again at his wife. This time using a folded white cane with a red tip. The guy sitting next to his wife offered to switch and after a lengthy delay, the old guy got up. When he did I could see his hearing aids.

But just because he was actually deaf and blind doesn't mean he wasn't a jackass, too.

Next to me was an old Italian couple. When the meal service came by they both got their little plastic tray/bowls with a micro-turkey sandwich, Fritos and Heresy Bar (it's heresy to call that "chocolate"). The woman moved her meal to her husband's tray-table, closed her own and then retrieved her giant handbag from under the seat.

She then took both meals and crammed them into her bag, muttering something in Italian.

As we were landing, the woman held her giant anti-vampire cross, murmured a bit (I assume in prayer) and then applauded when we landed. I looked over at her and she showed me the cross and pointed upward. I thought, "Are you saying that God let the plane land safely so you could eat the food hidden in your handbag?"

Today we played golf in 90 degree, 90+% humidity weather and then went to dinner at 5:20. The hostess asked if we had a reservation. I thought, "At 5:20?!" Lucky for us, they squeezed us in.

Now, it's 10pm and my mom has been asleep for 2 hours. I feel like I have jet-lag and I haven't even switched time zones.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Mother Truckers

Here's another hypermiling update. (Original story and first update.)

In addition to my normal driving I did some highway driving recently. According to Google Maps, the trip was about 112 miles each way, almost all highway. During this highway trip I tried to follow big semis, generally keeping back about 2 seconds. Speeds varied from low 60's to low 70's. On the return part of the trip, on downhill sections, I put my transmission into neutral.

I just filled up. 9.86 gallons for 348 miles which is in 35 mpg range.

224 (112*2) miles was highway, leaving 348-224=124 for my regular driving. Assuming I still got about 25.3 mpg for that then I used 124/25.3=4.9 gallons for my usual driving. That leaves 9.86-4.9=4.94 gallons for the 224 mile trip.

That's 224/4.94 = 45 mpg! Are you kidding me? Can someone have their 5th grader check my math?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


I drove into the city yesterday. I took the GWB to the CBE to the HRD to the FDR to the UES.

There's some major construction going on on 2nd Avenue (for the new subway line) and there are 2 or 3 lanes closed in a few spots. I was driving through one of these spots, directly behind a Post Office truck. We were in the left most lane that was open, right against the construction barriers.

Ahead, there was a forklift moving some construction material around. As the P.O. truck was going by him, he backed out of the construction zone. BAM! He smashed right into the side of the truck. The trucked then stopped in the middle of 2nd Ave. with me stuck behind him.

Balancing out this horrible tragedy, I was able to find a parking spot on 76th Street.


Going home, I left the UES via the FDR which I took to the HRD and on to the CBE across the GWB and yada, yada, yada.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Heat Post To 160 Degrees Before Reading

I would consider myself a healthy eater. However, everything in moderation.

And so, today, I bring you a story. A story about setting goals, taking risks, overcoming the naysayers. A story, friends, about looking death in the face and saying, "Is that all you got?"

Well, maybe that's overstating things a tad. It's really a story about eating the World's Cheapest Hot Dogs. How cheap? How about 7.375 cents each! And where does one get such hot diggity dogs? Aldi's House of Cheap Stuff (Most Of Which Can Pass For Food)!

Here's the receipt showing the price of $0.59 (newly reduced from an outrageous $0.65) for 8. You can also see that you need to be "bananas" to buy them.

Below is the package. Notice that these are not beef franks (those babies will run you $1.99 for 8, but they are 2 oz. franks). I'm not sure if the brand is B*Bar or Babar. If you feed these to a child, don't tell them that they are Babar wieners or they won't eat them (also they won't cry when Child Protective Services take you away for feeding them this crap).

You'll note that these dogs are "made with chicken, pork & beef". That wording is between "made from chicken pork & beef" and "made by chicken, pork & beef". Based on the rules of advertising, that means that these dogs at least have chicken, pork and beef nearby when they are made. It's like the other day. I had a friend over and made dinner with her. No part of her was actually eaten. {rim shot}

Note that the label trumpets that these furters are "Fully Cooked" and yet the must be heated thoroughly to 160 degrees. Normally, you heat stuff to that temperature to kill anything that might be living but what could live on these things?

Moving on. Here's the ironically named "Nutrition Facts" label. For every wiener you shove down your hole you can look forward to a rush of nearly 400mg of salt and the energy punch of 10g of fat; perfect post-marathon food.

The first ingredient is "mechanically separated chicken" Did you ever get a double yolk egg? Well, if that egg had been fertilized there's a good chance that Siamese chickens would have hatched from it. Farmers hate this because when they slaughter one chicken the other runs around with a chicken with its head cut off; the craziest site you've ever seen. So the farmers use a high precision mechanical separator called an "ax" to fix what God has eff'ed up.

Next is "meat ingredients" not to be confused with "meat". "Meat" is always some identifiable part like lips, hooves or eye lashes. "Meat ingredients" can not be identified by the finest veterinarians.

Then we have water (another great post-marathon ingredient!) and some other stuff until we reach "potassium lactate". There can't be very much of that though because it is very expensive (do you know how hard it is to milk a potassium?)

A bit further we find good old ascorbic acid which gives these dogs more Vitamin C than a glass of orange juice.

A very small glass.

So ends the preliminaries. Now to answer the big question: "Can you survive if you eat them?"

Obviously yes...but do you want to? I decided to heat mine in a skillet. I had two. One with just mustard then the other with what I thought it needed to taste good.

The mustard one was not very exciting. Somewhat similar to a warm but uncooked soft pretzel. Mushy, salty, nothing to write home about.

To fix things, my second (salty) dog had (salty) mustard, (salty) ketchup and (salty) cheese. This one was much better because, frankly, I put way too much cheese on it.

Get it? Frankly?

Overall, I think these would be great for a cookout for people you don't particularly like, relatives who have over-stayed their welcome and kids' birthday parties before they develop a more refined palate and insist on the 24.875 cent franks.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Also, Self-Cleaning Oven

After many months/years of looking for both, I find there are many parallels between what I look for in an apartment and what I look for in a woman. Let's go to the tale of the tape:



Post-war but not new construction

not too old or too young

high floor


1 bedroom

no kids

Outdoor space

likes outdoors

Walk to Central Park


Separate fridge to keep wine at optimum temperature

not too whiny

low maintenance

low maintenance

nice view

nice to view



Brazilian hardwood

Brazilian wax

Plenty of space for my junk

Not too much space for my junk

Friday, May 30, 2008

A Hulihee? Are You Kidding Me?

Here's the thing about 6 billion people. Every time you think of an idea, even a bad idea, someone else is already doing it to the nth degree.

This Is My Pudding

Four weeks ago I posted this about hypermiling. For a short time I tried the non-powered gliding (auto-stop) but that just seemed f*cking crazy. Lately, I'll just turn off my car at a long red light. I assume my tires are still near 40psi. My driving has been nearly identical otherwise (where I go, how often, speed and whatnot).

Today I filled up. 13.1 gallons. 332 miles. That equates to 25.3 mpg. Compare that to the 22.7 I had in my previous post. An increase of over 11%.

And please, no more discussion about traction unless you have a degree in Physics.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Using More Than Just His $0.05's

Sometimes when you open a bank account online, you can verify things instantly by entering a current bank account and allowing the new bank to make a couple "micro-deposits" (<$1) into it. You enter the amount of these deposits and you're verified.

Did you ever wonder just how much money you could make this way? Well, wonder no more.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Is That A Banana On Your Pop-Tart Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

This whole thing started when a friend stated at lunch that he used to eat Pop-Tarts with butter on them and, of course, I had to try it out. (I'm still working on finding a Chelada and by "work" I mean if I happen to see that crap, I'll buy it.) But I couldn't just stop at butter, oh, no. That would not do. So, without further ado, here they are.

Eight Toppings for an Unfrosted Strawberry Pop-Tart

  1. Butter - Unexciting. Tastes exactly as you'd think; a buttery Pop-Tart. At best it gives it a more "homemade" quality.
  2. Peanut Butter - This would seem to have a huge potential but there just isn't enough filling to counter balance the peanut butter.
  3. Cream Cheese - Based on the peanut butter results, I went with a shmear of cream cheese and that worked out quite nicely. They actually make a similar Tart.
  4. Maple Syrup - I thought this would be horrible and overly sweet. Well, it was pretty sweet but not horrible. I had one with a couple scrambled eggs...kind of like a pancake. Here's a tip: put the Pop-Tart upside-down so it will hold the syrup better.
  5. Ham - If you are wondering, "Ham?! WTF are you thinking?!" then you've probably never had or even seen a Monte Cristo sandwich which is normally a ham, turkey and cheese sandwich, fried and served with jam (at least at Bennigan's). Maybe I used the wrong kind of ham or maybe because I didn't have cheese or turkey but this was boring. I couldn't even taste the ham. Oh, well.
  6. Banana - Winner! This was fantastic. It wasn't easy keeping the banana on the the Tart but otherwise this gets the big thumbs up.
  7. PB&J - Another winner! Now I'm on a roll. A Pop-Tart roll! Ugh. The extra jam countered my glob-o-peanut butter. Why don't they make a PB&J Pop-Tart?
  8. Cereal - I broke up a Tart and layered it on top of this morning's bowl-o-goodness featuring Quaker Shredded Oats, Life and Raisin Bran. Not bad (it didn't make me vomit) but nothing to write a blog post about. Oops.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I Like Big Bus And I Can Not Lie

This woman is by far my favorite bus driver. It is only on her bus that you get peace and quiet. Give a listen to her "start of ride" announcement and you'll understand why.

Sorry about the sound quality...it is recorded on a bus after all.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Do It Live!

If you haven't seen it yet, here is Bill O'Reilly's Inside Edition Freakout (language not safe for work)

And here is the Steven Colbert response.

Lossed My Footing

A few months ago I warned my readers not to cut off their legs in order to gain an advantage in running races.

Now, I must look like a fool because the Court of Arbitration for Sport has ruled the IAAF are a bunch of idiots for determining that the non-legged had an advantage over the legged. (My own appeal to the CAS to create a Tallympics Games was sadly denied.)

So, if you want to get a leg up on the competition, stick your toe into this burgeoning field or sell your sole and stop worshiping the golden calf.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

No, No, You Are A Snake

I checked my email this morning to find a message from...[drum roll, please]...

my ex's attorney! WTF?! JHC! LMTFA!

Subject: An Invitation from Douche B. Lawyer
I've changed his name for his protection. If you're reading this, DBL, you're welcome!

Upon opening the email, I was almost disappointed to find it was just SPAM for a website (which I'll not name since I wish to give them no exposure but it had the word "pimp" in it). His computer probably has some virus/trojan/malware that sent this crap to every person in his address book.

What a putz.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Myth: If It's On CNN It Must Be Correct

This article is entitled 6 Gas Saving Myths. I'll give kudos to the author for correcting some popular misconceptions but some of what he says is just wrong. Let's take a look.

#1. Fill your tank in the morning

Yep, this one is pure crap. The idea is that gas is colder in the morning and therefore more dense so you get more for your money which would be true if the temperature in the underground tank actually varied more than insignificantly during the day.

The best you can do is avoid filling up on hot days while or just after a tanker has unloaded it warm fuel.

#2. Change your air filter

I agree. On modern cars this is total crap.

#3. Use premium fuel

Again, agreed. If you car will run on regular, your just wasting money with premium.

#4. Pump up your tires

Uhm, let me come back to this one.

#5. To A/C or not A/C

Really the question is A/C vs. open windows. As he even states himself, turning of the A/C but not opening the windows will save you gas. It's just a question of comfort. (I'll take comfort, thanks.)

#6. Bolt-ons and pour-ins

Very good explanation here. These are all bull. The only alternative is a conspiracy of all gas and/or car producers. Anyone that believes that should have their tires slashed with Occam's Razor.

So, back to #4. Here's what the author says:
According to on-the-road driving tests by both Consumer Reports and auto information site Edmunds.com, underinflated tires reduce fuel economy, so proper inflation is key.

But you should never over-inflate your tires. They'll get you slightly better fuel economy because there will be less tread touching the road, reducing friction. But that means less grip for braking and turning. The added risk of a crash isn't worth the extra mile a gallon you might gain.
My first issue is that he is clearly stating (correctly) that increasing your tire pressure will improve mileage even though the "myth" is that pumping up your tires won't increase your mileage. WTF?

But let's say that his point is simply that it's not worth the risk because you have less traction. That would be a great point if it wasn't wrong.

Pumping up your tires decrease the rolling friction of your tires, not the gripping friction (traction). Here's the introductory physics that show this. Suppose your car weighs 3600# and your tires are inflated to 30psi. For simplicity, assume ideal tires. you therefore have 3600/30 (pounds/pounds/inch^2) = 120 inch^2 of tire contacting the road. Each square inch supports 30 lbs.

If you pump the tires up to 40psi then you'd now have only 3600/40 = 90 inch^2 of tire contacting the road but each square inch supports 40 lbs! Your overall amount of traction remains the same!

OK. Physics lesson over. The downsides to pumping up your tires are: harder ride, louder ride. If you pump them over the safe limit then you have safety issues. Don't do that! Also, underinflated tires increase rolling friction which could overheat your tires causing them to fail. Don't do that either!

I was hoping to have some data on my experiment with higher tire pressures but I want to wait until I get down to half a tank before filling back up and that is taking much longer than usual.

Friday, May 09, 2008

And For Your Hair Stylist - Barberella!

It rained all day today. All I could think about was, "If I had to go outside, how would I solve the inversion problem of a regular umbrella?" I'm sure you think the same.

Well think no more! This company has turned around the concept (and letters) of the umbrella to create the nubrella!

Oh, wait, that would be mubrella. But that sounds like it would be useful only for the bovine.

When you watch the video on the company website, you'll probably wonder, "Why are people wearing this thing when it isn't raining?" or "Why don't the pictures match the announcer's description?" or "Did Jay make this video?" [I assure I did not.]

I can't figure out if the inspiration for this came from Maxwell Smart's 'Cone of Silence' or perhaps the Sontaran helmet.

Don't be left behind. Give yourself the freedom you deserve.
Join the next generation!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

If You Like P*nis Cheladas

Way back when, I posted about the horrific Budweiser Chelada. One reader (of about three) was dumb nice enough to go out and get some and smart enough to pawn it off on someone else. Here, dear readers, is her story:

DeborahSmith said...

There was no way I could ever bring myself to consume such liquid but my Dad had been saying that the young guys he worked with would drink anything. So... I gave it to my Dad and said the only catch was I wanted to hear what they thought of it. They told my Dad that he better never do anything like that to them again. They couldn't believe how terrible it tasted. It met all their criteria too because it was alcohol and on top of that it was free.
"Those guys" criteria for drinkin':
  • alcohol - check!
  • free - check!
Similarly, "those guys" criteria for sexin':
  • boobs - check!
  • free - check!
That works for them most of the time, until they have their own, personal Crying Game. Then it's:
  • free - check!
  • no penis* - check!
These are the kind of guys that long for a simpler time.

Around 15,000 BC.

* - or substitute a dress or boobs and lots of alcohol

Sunday, May 04, 2008

I Bet She Wears A Digital Watch

Don't they have fact checkers who could Google odd stuff like this? Even my nephews know better than this. Even Todd has heard of Odd Steven.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Drive Me Crazy

Since none of my readers had ever heard of "Rickrolling" before, I'm going to assume that you've also never heard of "hypermiling". Let me explain.

No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

Basically hypermiling is a group of semi-sane, insane and "stick-your-Johnson-in-a-jar-of-Planter's" (f*cking nuts) ideas for drastically increasing your cars mileage. Can anybody explain why this is suddenly becoming popular?

Yes. You there in the first row with the pile of cashews in your lap. What do you think? High gas prices? Yes, very good. I would have also accepted, "Bush is an idiot."

Just two days ago I filled my tank and averaged 22.7 mpg. I'll be doing pretty much the same kind of driving for the next tank so we can see if there's a difference.

The Plan

Pretty much all my driving is city driving so my options are limited. First, I pumped up my tires. My tires say the max is 44 psi. I decided to go to 40 psi but only because the pump I have at home is very slow and it would defeat the whole purpose if I drove somewhere else to pump them up. I'd consider 44 semi-sane. 40 is totally sane (and semi-lazy).

I also started implementing the "auto-stop". This definitely fits in the filbert-fornication category. There are two to four places (depending on the direction) I can do this during my commute. On the way home yesterday I tried it three times.

The first was on the exit hill from work. With no other cars around, that went pretty well.

The second was at the always backed up "T" intersection. Even though there were cars, this is completely straight and worked well (and by "well" I mean I didn't rear end anybody).

The third was the long Garp-like coast to my garage. This is curvy and requires a left hand turn. Without the engine running, the power steering quickly goes away and steering is a difficult two-hand job but I made it to the garage entrance. Unfortunately, my opener is too slow and/or my remote doesn't work from far enough away so I had to restart my engine to actually get inside the garage.

You also lose your power brakes (so stomp the sh*t out of them). Given the danger, you'd have to be a complete idiot to do this kind of thing...ever.

So, I'll see how it goes for a tank.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

We Should Just Be Ranked By Height

Contrary to the popular belief that your company is interested in your development, the only reason any company has a performance review system is for when the get sued after firing you.

My company's system is a 3-level system. The levels are (from best to worst) Perfect (P), Adept (A) and Satisfactory (S).

The managers write all the workers' names on little slips of paper and then drop them in one of three buckets (or holes) classifying each worker as a P-hole, A-hole or S-hole.

Most people are classified by the managers as S-holes. You're a P-hole if your manager is trying to get you promoted. A-holes are in a sh*tty position of not being rated high enough to be promoted but too high to hang around with all the S-holes. Because of this many A-holes leave the technical track and become managers where they can hang out with all the other A-holes.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Floridian Tells Senator, "Git Yur Hands Off My Nuts!"

Oh, yes. A Florida State Senator wants to rip your nuts off...your truck. This won't go over well with Clem in Palatka (and everybody in Palatka is named Clem...even the women).

Here's what truck nuts look like (actually there are many brands of truck nuts, the following are bullsballs brand, iffin ya wanna git ya a par):

And here's how you use them:

Thanks Clem!

A newly formed group, Clems Of United Palatka DEtermined To Allow Testicles (COUPDETAT) planned a march on Tallahassee but it was canceled because their pick-ups were full of quarry material that needed to be unloaded.

In other words, they were hanging around waiting to get their rocks off...

their trucks!

Also, please note that I did not send this story around via email.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Email Envy

It's not often I send a link to an article via email (usually I'll put it on my blog) but for some reason, I did today. I sent an email with the Subject: Hot rods! to a few friends. It contained only a http link.

What I forgot was that today was Take Your Child To Work Day. My friend, who brought his kids to work, assumed it was something to do with cars. I think you can figure out the rest of the story for yourself.

Yes, kids, this is what Dad does all day. Click on links in emails.

Computer Alzheimer's

As of a few weeks ago, my work laptop had 512MB of memory. After innumerable Microsoft security updates and a new virus scanner, just running Outlook and a browser used up all my memory. I looked online and found an upgrade to 1GB would cost about $50. What follows is a description of what it takes to get a $50 memory upgrade at my company.

Person 1 (me) asks Person 2 (my manager) if an upgrade can be procured. Person 2 okays it. Person 1 calls the help desk and speaks to Person 3 who takes the information (i.e. User needs more memory) and creates a ticket. The ticket is sent to Person 4 (PC support) and Person 4 does something that generates a "request for approval" from Person 2.

After Person 2 approves, Person 4 calls Person 1 to determine computer type (and hence memory type), current memory and new memory. After discussion, Person 4 determines that two 512MB modules will need to be ordered. Person 4 indicates to Person 1 that this generally takes two days. Person 4 places an order with some company for the memory. Person 4 closes the ticket, indicating a new ticket (for installation) will be opened when the memory arrives.

Patient Person 1, after 1 week, sends email to Person 4 asking what is going on. Apparently, this is a violation of the prime directive. No response is received but the following day another person in PC support (person 5) creates a ticket stating that Person 1's department has already been charged for memory and nothing else. As a side note, the correct procedure is for Person 1 to call the Help Desk (now Person 6 but had Person 1 done this Person 6 would be Person 5 and Person 5 would be Person 6) and have them open a ticket.

Almost another week passes and patience-wearing-thin Person 1 is kicking himself for not ordering the memory and installing it himself. Even paying for it out of his own pocket seems reasonable at this point. But out of the dungeon of PC support comes a phone call. It is Person 5. "Person 1," he says, "we have your memory."

Glory be and hallelujah! The Messiah, in the form of two 512MB SO-DIMMs, has come.

"Just bring your laptop down and we'll install it."

But person 1 is working. And person 5 is a minute walk away. Plus person 1 needs to close all his programs and shutdown his computer. Ideally, person 1 would do this just before lunch, dropping off the laptop at PC Support (which is right by the cafeteria) and picking it back up after lunch saving countless minutes.

But PC Support is closed during lunch, probably to play Dungeons and Dragons.

So Person 1 spends 5 minutes shutting things down and another 5 walking to the dungeon. Person 5 takes the laptop, installs the new memory and boots it back up to ensure all is well.

"Your laptop doesn't seem to like the memory," says non-anti-statically grounded Person 5.

Person 1 is wonders how he can write his letter of resignation without his laptop while Person 5 applies Computer Fix #1.

Remove and re-install.

As usual, Computer Fix #1 works and Person 5 returns laptop to Person 1 who walks 5 minutes back to his office, boots it up and contemplates how a company can survive when a $50 memory upgrade requires $1000 of labor.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

White Girl Rapes Black Man

Non-news event of the day: Clinton wins PA! Who saw that coming?????

While waiting for polls to close so they could announce this, I got to see some of the worst and most ridiculous crap that was being passed off as news ever.

Foremost was Jack Cafferty making the incorrect and self-unsupporting statement along the lines of "the current administration has run up more debt than all previous administrations combined; the debt was 5 trillion when Bush entered office and it's 9 trillion now." C'mon! That's first grade math.

Then there's all the "analysis" (emphasis on "anal") which is by Clinton and Obama supporters who continuously ignore all facts to plug the message du jour.

But maybe my favorite is people talking about the delegates and whether the super-delegates will thwart the will of the people. What the f*ck are they talking about? If you are a Democrat, do you not understand how they pick their Presidential nominee? I assume that a Democrat is either willing to live with the rules as they are or an idiot.

Last, here's my prediction. Obama wins the nomination, makes nicey-nice with Clinton and the Dems end up with "the Dream Ticket" Obama/Clinton which appeals to both blacks and women.

McCain then pick Condoleeza Rice as running mate and the Republicans win in November and I have to listen to Alan complain about McCain for the next 4 years.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

That's How We Roll

Another video? So soon?

You betcha! This one is from my college days. It's not long so I didn't bother editing it down. Enjoy!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Pair It With Scrapple!

If someone can help me find a can of this, I will gladly consume and regurgitate it and write a big long post about it for your amusement.
If you're having trouble reading it, it's a combination of Budweiser beer, Clamato (itself a combination of tomato and clam juice), salt and lime.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Dumb And Plumber

This was originally 34 minutes long. Now a more merciful 8+ minutes. I'm thinking about doing a director's commentary version but, frankly, I'm a bit tired of working on this already.

You might need headphones to hear some of the goings on.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

How Big Would The Gouge Be If The Spring Hit The Turkey?

I was talking to a friend yesterday whe a turkey strolled by. Unfortunately, it did not hang around long enough for me to get a picture.

I got another chance and shot that turkey. A little blurry but he/she didn't seem to want to hang around.
I figured that would be the most exciting part of my day. I figured wrong.

I was in the kitchen making cookies (oatmeal coconut chocolate chip, damn their good). Suddenly I heard a loud crash and felt the floor move. I immediately looked out the the window expecting to see my neighbor with their car smashed into their garage. No such luck.

My next guess was that one of my stacks o' crap in the garage had fallen (I did not for second think it was my DVD, amp, TiVo, DVD, LCD stack and it wasn't). Nothing seemed out of the ordinary in the garage until I noticed this.

The counter-balance spring on the garage had snapped. After breaking it shot itself into the wall, making a nice gouge, as seen here.

Apocryphal Chinese curse:

May you live in interesting times.

Jay's Corollary:
May you live in this %#!* apartment.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Why Obama Can't Win In November

I've gotten a lot of stuff the last couple days via UPS, DHL and USPS. So, I wasn't too surprised when, moments ago, my doorbell rang and it was the UPS guy holding a package.

He needed a signature so he shoved that little tablet at me. I was trying to think what else I was expecting when he said, "This is 1322, right?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Oh, wait, I need 1232. A guy named Seequa." [I'm guessing at that spelling.]

And off he went. Was that discrimination? Profiling?

If he was looking for "Jay", who has to answer the door for him to re-check the address?

Tuesday, April 08, 2008


This little lady came to visit me right around lunch time.

Don't mistake those for woods. That's just a few pine trees in the backyard. I predict "car vs. deer" in her future.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Get Used To Disappointment

I had hoped to get a new post up this weekend but, clearly, I wasn't able to. It's hard to concentrate when I'm so itchy. Hopefully, I can get something together before the week is out.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

This'll Get You Off My Shaved Dog Post

Just wondering...

Are Orthodox Jews allowed to speak Pig Latin?

Do short people get married just to have someone around to help them fold their sheets?

Wouldn't it make more sense for stores to close on Good Friday and then re-open on Easter?

Monday, March 24, 2008

Shave Your Dog

I'm not losing my hair, it's simply sliding further down my body.

Yesterday, I decided to trim the hair on my neck. I got out my clippers and starting buzzing around and I was struck with this thought, "Where does my neck end and my chest begin?" There was no longer an obvious hair gap. I buzzed down to my collar bone.

"Well, that doesn't look right," I thought. So I buzzed across the collar bone. Nope. Still not right.

I continued working my way down, trying to make things look "right" but it just got worse and worse until I was completely man-scaped!

In the lemonade category, it is easier to clean the shower now. I'm also expecting less bellybutton lint.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Why Did The Nurse Have A Thermometer Behind Her Ear?*

Didn't a similar thing happen to Paul McCartney when he got married?

* - Some *sshole got her pencil.

onna da bright side, nowe yoo can git into heaven

Here's my previous post dumbed-down using Unintelligencer (set to "moron"). Too bad they don't have the reverse function.






Tuesday, March 18, 2008

On The Bright Side, Now You Can Get Into Heaven

WWJCD? Ask yourself that question and then do the opposite.

JC here stands for Jim Cramer (who has been unfavorably compared to a monkey but the site seems messed up so I won't bother linking it) who gave this brilliant advice a week ago, 3/11/08.

Just in case you haven't heard, Bear Stearns agreed to be bought at $2/share this past weekend. If you listened to JC, you lost $65/share in less than a week.

Of course, JC would tell you that if you listened to him, you would have a nice, diversified portfolio to hedge against any big loser (or winner but he won't say that). The question is: If you are listening to someone's stock picking advice, why on Earth would you want or need diversity?! If he (or she) is not telling you sure winners, why the f*** are you listening to them?

You'd be better off playing with your own monkey.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Next Time, She'll Re-Fuse To Leave

It's tough for a humor blog to compete with the news these days. Sigh. Enough to drive a man to drink. Here's my latest recipe:

Mix one part very powerful whiner with one or two (maybe three) parts of 22 year old Sprite. Add some wife bitters and serve to public. I call this cock tale an Eliot Spritzer.

No? OK, how about a news story about a woman who would drive Chef crazy.

A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom
The police officer in charge of the "woman stuck to toilet seat" investigation? Officer Mr. Whipple!
They had conversations and had an otherwise normal relationship -- except it all happened in the bathroom.
[Those of you that know me, insert the joke you know I would make here.]

When asked why he hadn't reported the situation for two years, her boyfriend, Kory McFarren said, "Don't worry, be happy!"

From the movie (I swear) Cocktail
Here's a little song I wrote
You might sing it note-for-note
Don't worry, be happy
If you're an elected official
You're sex life getting a little dull
Don't worry, be happy
Everyday you gotta wear a suit
Stay away from the prostitute
Don't worry, be happy
Girlfriend stuck to a toilet seat
Freezer full of parakeets
Don't worry, be happy