If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

I'm Going Un-Postal

After two months of inactivity, I think it's finally time to close up shop.

Happy New Year!

Monday, October 26, 2009

I Love All Animals. They're Delicious!

I was so excited when I saw a deal on Endangered Species Chocolates. This would combine my three favorite things: deals, chocolate and eating!

Then I looked at the choices: cherry, blueberry, peanut butter?! When did those become endangered? I was hoping for polar bear or Siberian tiger or (dare I say it?) Northern Spotted Owl! What a disappointment.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It's Almost Like I'll Be On TV

In the "It's a Small World" category, I went to someone's surprise birthday party last weekend. AT the party was someone from Florida that the surprise-ee has known for something like 30 years. And readers of my blog (both of them) also kind of know this person.

Remember this post from last year? No? Blocked it out, huh? Well, the person I speak of is the inventor of that, uhm, invention. And he (his name is Floyd) will be on the TV show Shark Tank tonight!

Remember, you read about it here first; your home for dubious inventions!

Monday, October 05, 2009

Breastalyzer Test

A couple of little things, just to let people know I'm still alive.

First, there's an article about workers striking because some of their union brethren were fired for looking at Internet porn. I have two things to say about this. A) Unless you work in the porn industry you should not be looking at porn at work. B) Why on Earth are pizza makers part of the Technical, Engineering and Electrical Union?

Second is a product that, in my mind, would only be used by the most responsible of irresponsible moms. Breast alcohol test strips. That is not a typo; I did write "breast" not "breath". This is for nursing mothers who want to go out and get tanked but then they don't know how long to wait before breastfeeding their babies. With these handy strips, no more guesswork. If you're buying multiple boxes of 20's, you probably should give your baby up for adoption.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Let's Give'em A Hand

This weekend in NYC included dinner at Vatan (which is delicious but too much food for too much money, if that makes sense). If you go and can eat the whole battered/fried pepper that comes with the appetizer tray then you have my utmost respect.

After that, we moseyed on over to the Found Footage Festival which was hilarious! There are some clips on YouTube including this one.

And if you are NOT at work, the festival included parts of this one.
Did I mention this is not safe for work?

Update: I don't know why the embedded version of this did not work. But it is still NSFW!

Update 2: I completely forgot to include this photo of me and, uhm, yes, it is exactly what you think.

Here's The Buzz

Best Woot write-up in a while.

Sounds like Melissa’s playing electric football again. It’s great that my wife is becoming such a football fan, even if she only wants to play it by herself.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Walking home today, I came to the usually dry creek. Today it was slowly flowing. I could either walk around or jump it.

It was about a 6 foot jump. I tested the landing area with a nearby stick. Solid. I can jump this, no problem.

I leap and as I do my plant foot slips, robbing me of all my forward momentum and landing me right in the middle of the f*cking creek. I pull my foot quick. Too quick for my elastic laces which can't overcome the suction of the mud. I have to reach in and pull my shoe out.

I get home and toss my socks in the garbage. They're too muddy to contemplate washing. I put the shoes outside to dry but I'm pretty sure that won't dry...in the rain.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Yackity Yack

Yesterday was a bit of a Foodapalooza. Had lunch at Max Brenner's (and if you don't bring you kids there, you a an awful parent). Their slogan is "Chocolate from the bald man!" How can things possilby go wrong.

I had the Illegal Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Pancakes. They were very good but, quite frankly, they should put cocoa powder in the actual pancake. My friends got their kids a chocolate pizza, do-it-yourself hot chocolate and a chocolate syringe. Most of it ended up on one of their kids. All in all, a fun and tasty lunch.

Then off to a friendly get together on Long Island. There was food, drinks, a hot tub, yada, yada, yada. We ended up driving a couple of people back to Manhattan and we hadn't gotten very far when a voice from the back seat requested, "Uhm, when you can, could you pull over?"



That makes two wacky yakky weekends in NY. It's just like being back in college (except I'm not the one booting).

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

I Don't Have Anything For F2

Someone asked me for this not too long ago. I don't remember the source (somewhere on the web).


  • 8.5 T. sugar
  • 1/4 tsp. salt
  • 1/4 tsp. Morton Lite salt
  • 1 pkg. KoolAid unsweetened (any flavor but I stick with lemonade)
  • 2 quarts water
Nutrition (per 8 oz. serving):
52 Calories
14 grams carbohydrates
120 mg sodium
44 mg potassium

Gatorade (original) has:
52 Calories
14 grams carbohydrates
110 mg sodium
30 mg potassium

Monday, August 31, 2009

New Yak City

This was intended to be sung to the same tune as the FCR - New Car commercial. (BTW - if what you really want is your free credit report go to the government credit report site where they don't make you enroll is some crap you don't need.)

Do not read if you feel queasy!

We were riding on the subway
down to High Line Park
Started out standing 'til I found
a place for my ass to park.

At Penn Station
the seat next to me
which previously had been taken
was now completely free.

Turned around and then
I turned right back.
A guy was sittin' there
and he began to yak.

that spells "beer".
What was coming out of him
was golden-ish and clear.

It was shooting out
like from a fire hose.
Coming out his mouth
and also through his nose.

But that's not the worst part
about the emetic.
I found the woman I was with, well,
she was sittin' in it!

Jumped off the train
and we ran;
up and down the street
looking for a public can.

At Mickey D's,
I bought a drink;
so she could use the bathroom
and wash her shorts in the sink.

And, no, I'm not lookin'
for any pity.
It's just another day
in New York City.

BTW - the new High Line Park is quite nice.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I'm Running Without A Shirt And All The Women Are Getting Wet

This post brought to you live and in the nude by Fiber One (click for a free sample)! If you're still reading I'll assume you don't have a very vivid imagination.

I ran Central Park this morning in the rain. I normally would have waited for tomorrow when the chance of rain is 50% (and now that I just checked it is 0%) but I will likely be doing something more interesting than running.

What kind of people run in the rain? Anecdotally, I saw more fit people (I assume the less fit use any excuse to stay home). Also, more men, about a 5:1 ratio of sausages to buns (vs. about a 3:1 ratio in good weather). Almost no bikers (who aren't ever running but I'm expanding things to "exercise in the rain") and one lone rollerblader. Overall, for the runners, I'd say there were about 50-75% of the normal number.

I planned to run about 6.5 miles but I didn't because I didn't want to walk home in the rain.

So I ended up running 7 miles.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Bouley Vous Coucher Avec Moi Ce Soir

Friday night I had a really nice meal at Bouley. Pre-first course was a delicious (I'm going to run out of adjectives, I can see that already) cauliflower mousse-y thing with caviar, heirloom tomatoes and 25 year-old balsamic vinegar.
Appetizers (there's two of everything because my date and I are sharing) were a wonderful shrimp and scallop something and the ethereal Porcini/Crab Flan.
Main dishes were a, frankly, less than stunning (and let's face it, everything should be stunning) duck and scrumptious monkfish a la chop suey (don't let the name throw you; yuou must get this dish!)
Last time I ate here, I was so full by this time that a dessert was split. This time I was still hungry; a bit worried I might not have enough to eat (ha!) so we ordered two desserts. A pear dish (which was great even though I don't really like pears) and the incomparable orgasmic chocolate frivolous (six miniature chocolate desserts in one).
Before they came out, we had what I assume was a palate cleanser of yogurt with some pineapple syrup or who knows. It could have passed as a light dessert.
These were followed by our desserts and also a couple of ounces of a yummy (see? out of adjectives) dessert wine...and a complementary coconut creme brulee which my date sampled but she had reached full capacity and I polished it off. ANd then I was full.
Then came the tray of truffles and petit fours. No mercy! Thankfully, they packed those up for us and we ate them for breakfast the next day.
Along with the lemon cake (about half the size of a pound cake) they hand you as leave.
Drool. Drool. Drool.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

What WIll It Take To Kill This Story?

Eunice Shriver, founder of the Special Olympics and sister of JFK, is dead at the age of...WAIT! Breaking news! I've just received word that Michael Jackson is still dead. Yes, a month after dying, Jacko is still flat on his backo.

And now back to our regular story: Where is Michael Jackson's brain?

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

I'd Prefer If They Came In "Gecko"

Sorry. No NYC Weekend Update for this past weekend. It was spent mostly doing the unbloggable.

But to make up for that I bring you the coolest, Zola Budd-iest shoes ever.
Available only in Men's sizes (Euro 42-46, whatever they are. Sorry Zola!) they are excellent for manly pursuits such as "Yoga and Pilates". I have also heard the CIA uses them in Cambodia (I assume for Yoga as Pilates is already passé in Angkor Wat).

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I'd Feel More Comfortable If The Gift Horse Had No Teeth

In a recent bout of cleaning I came across (maybe I should say "happened across") a coupon for "one bl*wjob, no strings attached". There is no expiration date but I have no interest in using it due to "chomp anxiety". I did try using it with a recent date but she said she didn't accept competitor's coupons. :-(

If anybody wants it, let me know. IANAL but it seems like an enforceable contract to me. The coupon has no cash value (wouldn't that be prostitution?).

Sunday, July 26, 2009

New York Weekend N+1, Where N Is Last Weekend

Yesterday I went to see a show in Central Park, somewhere around 72nd St. I thought I knew where it was going to be but after walking around the area for 20+ minutes with no success I thought "If only I had a device..." but alas my phone is sold old (HOW OLD IS IT?), it's so old it still has an extendable antenna! I'm so old and out of touch, I should probably just get a Jitterbug.

I happened past a Jazz trio playing (still in CP) and laid down on a rock to enjoy the music, promptly falling asleep. Amazingly I was not mugged or even killed.

On the walk back to my place I discovered the location of Jacques Torres on the UWS and weighed down the rest of my journey with 5.6 oz. of his confectionery genius, most of which made it home.

And now, I'm heading out to see, of all things, Chico DeBarge, Ginuwine and Joe.

I'm back. I can tell you the music was very good. I just listened from outside since I didn't want to walk to the end of the line to get in. (Frankly, I doubt people that were at the end at that time got in.) It was certainly clear that the target audience for this concert was not middle-age white guys but I did represent.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A Trend To The End

First came this commercial for Jack in the Box.

Now we have this one for Hardee's.

I'm guessing the next commercial will come from Wendy's. Shocker!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

NYC Weekend #2

Friday night: went on a date and then listened to the NY Philharmonic in Central Park. My dinner turned out to be the two beers and half an order of fries from the date (poor planning mixed with thunderstorms at the end of the concert).

Saturday: Morning run in Central Park (around 6 miles). There was some sort of running event being set up as I ran. As I approached the start line, I got to hear part of an argument between a guy wearing a security vest and a really big dude.

Security: This is a sanctioned event of the...
BFD (walking away): I can't hear you.
Security (louder): This is a sanction...
BFD (louder): I said I can't hear you.
Security (as loud as this little guy could yell): This is...

To give you a better idea of the situation, it was like a 2 year-old pulling a German Shepard's tail. "I can't hear you" is like "Grrrr" and "NA NA NA" is like "bark"/snap. The next time, you get bit. And then you cry to mommy. And she takes you to the hospital to have your hand sewed back on.

I don't know how it ended but I didn't hear any ambulances.

Decided to do a "taste-off" between H&H Bagels and Tal Bagels. However, service was so slow at Tal, I walked out bagel-less. Oh, and the H&H bagel? Worse than a Wegman's bagel and only twice the price! (Yes. $1.40 for one friggin' bagel.)

In the evening I went to see some "site specific dance" on a basketball court in Riverside Park. Uhm. You know how some art is accessible and some is not? Well, this was more of the latter. Like a Jackson Pollack, the question for me is where does the genius end and the crazy begin? Even still I'd say it was worth my time.

Sunday: Went to see a comedy show in Central Park. Mostly quite good. My favorite joke:

"I know this women in the biblical sense. And by that I mean I don't believe anything she says."
I think the joke works better if you replace "this woman" with "my CEO".

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

What A Feeling!

I don't know what this has to do with diversity but it sure fits the HoldTheMilk theme.

Thanks Zimbo!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Start Spreading The News

NYC Day 1 Observations.

Noise and specifically street noise. It takes a little getting used to. It must have taken me 15 minutes to fall asleep last night.

Somebody upwind of me smokes pot. A lot of pot.

Running in Central Park this morning was "ahh" inspiring.

I seem to be hungry all the time.

While I was waiting to buy my bus ticket, the woman in front of me had this conversation with the ticket agent.

woman: Well, hopefully I won't need the return part of this [ticket].
agent: Why is that?
woman: I'm trying to get on a show and if I do, I'll be famous.
agent: Really? What show?
woman: The Biggest Loser.

Sure enough, I just checked. Casting in NY is from 10-6 today. Good luck lady!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

I Thought It Would Be A Happy Group Of Lions Parade

Last Sunday I was in NYC and it happened to be Gay Pride Parade day. I only watched for about an hour (missing much of the beginning and I have no idea how much after I left) but I took a few pictures.

The parade is for gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered and supporters of all of these. Sometimes it can be difficult to figure out which ones are which. Like these Peruvians.

Or her?

But, lest you think I only took boob shots, I also took some fashion shots. Some fashions work like flower head and laundry lad(y):

Some are more extravagant.


Some are less flattering

Some don't work at all

Some are just disturbing (enlarge at your own risk!)

Then there were the religions. Here's where I draw the line. Homosexuality might not be a choice but religion certainly is! Here we have Baptists, Catholics and Orthodox Jews!

And I'll end how I began, with Peruvians.

Notice that their mascot is an Alpaca. Alpaca! Get it?

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Perfect Phone For Your Enemies

Big props to Staples for taking back my POS Panasonic TG-9333 DECT phone. Speaking as an engineer, this phone is an embarrassment to the designer, quality control and management of Panasonic. I recommend the responsible party do the honorable thing and kill themselves. Or, I would also accept forcing them to use this as their only phone for 5 years.

No. That's too harsh.

2 years.

This apartment building was built using the same principles.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Please Please Kill Me Now

I've recently invented a new form of music; violently alternative Islamic rock. To share this joy with all infidels, I am changing my name to Simon Le Bomb and starting a band, Quran Quran.

The first single will be: Is There Something I Should Blow (Up)?

And, of course, we will use the same pyrotechs that Great White used.

Monday, June 15, 2009

January Is For Banana Hammocks

I've just started combing through this site. Some of the videos are hilarious, like this one from the first No Pants! Subway Ride. Notice the name of the book the woman is reading.

No Pants (2002) from ImprovEverywhere on Vimeo.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Sir, How Many Face Lifts Have You Had?

There is a joke about the perfect woman, who is 4 ft. tall, has no teeth and a flat head (to put your beer on).

There is a similar joke about the ideal man and it goes something like this.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

White Is The New Black

According to News.com, Jack Steinberger thinks wind energy is a waste of time compared to solar energy. His credentials for such a statement? He won a Nobel Prize in something other than solar/wind energy, he's a director at CERN of something other than solar/wind energy. Overall, he's a smart, old guy. If you think that qualifies him, you are probably not a smart, old guy.

The article got me thinking. Is solar energy really a good idea from the perspective of preventing/reducing global climate change? Let me play devil's advocate.

Let's say we're going to cover a part of the desert with cheap solar panels that are 10% efficient. Let's also assume they absorb 90% of the light that hits them. So, of the 100% of light that hits them, 10% becomes electicity which eventually turns into heat (in the powerlines, in a motor, in a lightbulb, etc.), 10% is reflected back up and 80% is absorbed by the panel and becomes heat right away.

The other possibility is that the light hits the desert. In this case how much light is reflected and how much absorbed? I don't know. 60/40? 70/30? Let's say 60% reflected about a third of which would be directly radiated to space NOT HEATING THE EARTH.

So, is it really a good idea to cover the desert with solar cells? Are people considering the lack of reflection in their analysis? Maybe we should be covering the ocean with solar cells. And I'll just note that all the big windmills I've seen are a nice reflective white.

If only Scott Adams would read this post. He'd understand my point.

By the way, my qualifications are that I'm a smart, middle-aged guy.

Cyrillic Silliness

One of the most interesting things about Russia are the signs of familiar companies in Cyrillic. Here are a few:

If you can't figure them out, let me know in the comments.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Signs O' The Times

Many Americans like to complain that signs all over the world aren't in English. But the reality is, you can generally figure out the signs. Just use your brains...or guess! Here are some examples:

In Helsinki, I found these signs that clearly show the two main political parties in Finland: the Isotkoirats and the Pienetkoirats. Unlike in America, where elephants and donkeys run wild, both Finnish parties use the same animal mascot. The Schnauzer.

In Stockholm (and all of Sweden) sex is very acceptable. Turn on any TV and you're likely to find naked people. And one channel in particular goes even further. Here's their studios.

On the other end of the spectrum, if seeing human skin offends you, you can take a specialized cruise.

I'm generally willing to try any kind of food but I was pretty happy this place wasn't open.

There was some kind of fair going on in Stockholm. Perhaps they were converting people to Judaism?

Friday, May 29, 2009

Die Hauptrolle spielender Karrenmann

In some European countries, like the Netherlands, American TV programs are shown in English with the local language subtitles. This is not the case in Germany as can be seen in this clip from Südpark.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Hey Baby, What's Your Sign?

I love the signs around Germany. German is close enough to English that you can figure out the meaning of many words (like Wörter which means "words"). The problem is that not all words are so obvious.

For example, here's a food stand that seems to use some kind of reverse psychology to make you think it is the best! And if you turn your head sideways, you can see a little smiley face hidden in the sign. How clever!

In truth, the word "Wurst" is probably something most English speakers understand. Across the street is an elevator. Using my self-translation, it appears to say something about "feel free to fart inside". On the left, it says it has the "odor of 50 people" and on the right it says "if it falls you will not be be-nutted" which is similar to being beheaded but much worse.

"What kind of person would use a fart elevator?" you ask. Well, probably the same kind that shops at the Assmann store. It's so popular they have an Assmann I and II right next to each other. Perhaps all this is a result of eating all that Wurst.

Getting away from words, here are a couple pics from the East Side Gallery, a section of the old Berlin Wall still standing and now used for murals. This first one is pretty intense and makes a strong statement about the shadow religion casts over marionettes.

Also making a very strong statement is this mural which clearly says that dogs have just as much of a right to smoke as guys who wear fezzes.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

And For The Other 4 Million?

Not to be missed in Berlin is the poorly named Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe. It is so poorly named that most people call it the Holocaust memorial. The memorial was built in what was formerly the Death Strip between the inner and outer walls of the Berlin Wall. Prior to that Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels home was located here.

Intentionally or not, it works as a memorial (at least for me). From the perimeter its not much but when you walk into it...
the blocks tower above you. They are slightly tilted. Every way you look you see more and more of the same. It's powerful.
You may notice the lack of graffiti on the memorial. The two main reasons are: 24-hour police and anti-graffiti coating. During the building of the memorial it came out that the company supplying the anti-graffiti coating was related to the chemical company that supplied Zyklon B to the gas chambers used by the Nazis. After a huge uproar, the company noted that every German company that was around during WWII (like BMW or Volkswagen) could be tied to the death and destruction of the time but, as a good will gesture the company supplied the coating to the memorial for free.

On the other hand, here is the even more poorly named Memorial to the Homosexuals Persecuted under the National Socialist Regime. It is a bit tucked away in the nearby Tiergarten park. It is large block of concrete with one hole in it. If you look in the hole, there is a continuous loop of video showing two guys making out.This memorial doesn't really work for me. Apparently, it didn't work for lesbians either. After their complaints it was decided that the tape will be changed at the end of the year to show two women kissing. That is certain to make the memorial more popular. (I think the plan is to change it every so often after that.)

Still to be built is a memorial for the Sinti and Roma (Gypsies). That'll still leave the Poles, the Russians, the Disabled and every other targeted group. Frankly, I find it a little offensive that every group needs their own memorial. Why not just a memorial for all the people killed and persecuted by the Nazis?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Square Is The New Black

Where to start? Let's start at the end.

In Berlin I stayed at Winter's Berlin Mitte which was a typical, pleasant European hotel. There was one weird thing about the room. Actually, it was the bathroom. Here's a picture.

I don't know if every room is the same or if I just lucked into the SpongeBob SquareAss suite. You are familiar with the saying, "You can't put a round peg in a square hole." That was coined by the first guy to stuff up one of these square toilets.

The hotel was right around the corner from Checkpoint Charlie, which frankly isn't very interesting. Also nearby, and much more interesting, was this "University" that I believe might just be a front for something else.
Also conveniently right around the corner was this embassy, formerly a pizzeria.
More to come.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Schokolade, šokolaad, шоколад, suklaa, choklad and chokolade

As I'm sure I've noted before, when I leave a country I generally use my leftover currency to buy chocolate.
After two weeks visiting six different countries that use five different currencies, that's a lot of chocolate. Here's the haul for the trip (minus what I already ate).

I like to get chocolate that's made in the county I'm in but that is not always possible. In the middle of the picture is what I think is chocolate from Russia. According to babelfish, the Russian word for chocolate is шоколад so I should be in good shape. More to come...

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

You Will Not Become Rich Preventing The Camel Toe From Passing Through The Bikini

Just when I think I'm getting out...

I need a product that covers half of an ass. For example, because my company classifies the Cuchini as "adult material" I can only write a half-assed review of it, based on this Gizmodo post.

Anyway, as must be obvious, Cuchini is a combination of cooch and bikini (or maybe zucchini). My half-assed view is that it is a hard piece of leather that is inserted into a woman's...hey, don't get ahead of me here...is inserted into a woman's panties or bikini (or jeans if she's going "commando"). Kind of like a panty liner but instead of absorbing fluids, it absorbs lines/creases/crevices/cravasses (depending on a woman's age, sexual experience and whether her boyfriend is referred to as "soup can man" or not).

Unlike a panty liner, this thing does not breath (huh huh huh); it suffocates. You know the difference between the smell of feet that are in mesh sneakers versus those that are trapped in leather all day? I guess that's not an issue as anyone concerned about showing their puff daddy is probably already using some kind of nethers deodorant.

Now, attach a little motor with an offset weight and you've got yourself a product!

Hey sweetie, your phone is ringing.

Thanks to the Albaniac for this one!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Krona, Krooni and Krones

I'm leaving for my trip in a few days so don't expect any posts until around Memorial Day. Traveling is my last hope to resurrect this blog.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

She Has A Nice Badinkadink

I don't understand how this Solo Triangle music CD isn't a joke. What am I missing?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Better Than A Bud Light From The Mini-Fridge

Thanks to Lianablog I now know my NPR name is Ejay Altenahr. (EE-jay AHL-ten-ahr)

As she explains:

You take your middle initial and insert it somewhere into your first name. Then you add on the smallest foreign town you’ve ever visited.
Actually, there are probably smaller towns I've visited but Altenahr (pop. ~1000) is small enough and sounds pretty good.

Thank you for tuning in. I'm Ejay Altenahr reporting from Bumf*ck, Egypt.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

We Need a Post Office Version Of ELIZA

I want to send this certified. I need this to be in Florida by Friday. I need to be able to track this.

No matter what I asked for, the post office always knew what I meant...until today. Sure, sure, I am partly to blame. I asked for "proof of mailing" instead of "certificate of mailing" but any post officer worth their salt should know what I'm talking about.

PO: Do you want to send this certified?
me: No. I just want proof of mailing.
PO: If you want proof of receipt, you need to send it certified, return receipt.
me: I don't need to know they got it. I just need proof I sent it.
PO: Do you want to send it priority?
me: I just want to send it First Class.
PO: Do you want a certificate or a receipt?
me: What's the difference?
PO: The certificate is $1.10 and has the address. The receipt has only the city and state you mailed to.

Ah, here's where I made my error. I did want the certificate. But the $1.10 through me off. My Asperger-y brain thought $1.10 was the charge for certified mail (and it probably was back in 1992) and so I said:

me: Just the receipt.
PO: That'll be $0.76

And then I knew I f*cked up but certainly I was not going to admit that! That'd be like asking for directions at a gas station.

So, I'll save my useless receipt and wait for my check to be cashed. And dream of inventing a gadget that would do for the post office what the GPS did for gas stations.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I'm Trying To Be Less Pedantic. How Do I Explain That?


Ring! (I don't recognize this number)

Me: Hello?
Caller: Jess. I yam colling to say my son, he is sick and will no be at school today.
Me: I'm sorry. You have the wrong number. And I hope your son gets well soon.
Caller: Dis no is the school?
Me: Sorry, no. I'm a little pedantic if that helps.
Caller: Little wha?
Me: Nevermind. I'm not the school. Good-bye.

3 minutes later


Ring! (Ugh, same caller)

Me: You still have the wrong number.
Caller: Dis no is the school?
Me: You...have...the...wrong...number.
Caller: Oh.

Then I left for work. Don't know if she called back again. For my sake, I hope your son is never sick again.

Billy Mays Could Sell It

"What is a pedoflop?" asks the commercial on TV.

Someone incapable of hooking up with the kiddies?

"You can simulate the Big Bang," continues the TV commercial.

What is this product? Virtual reality molestation software?

Maybe I'll just turn the TV off instead of half paying attention.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Break Out Your Merkins

Here are some quotes from an article. It seems pretty clear what they must be talking about.

"In New Jersey especially, where the government has been picking our pockets for so long, it was like, 'Just stay out of our pants, will you?"'

In a letter to the board, Szuchman says he won't support the ban, and since his office oversees the board, the ban would never be approved.

"Many commenters have noted that the procedure can be safely performed. I, therefore, believe that there are alternate means to address any public health issues identified by the board," Szuchman wrote the board. He encouraged the board to "to begin an immediate review of the training necessary to safely provide this service, and to establish appropriate protocols and safeguards."

The ban was considered after the women complained to the board about their injuries; one woman filed a lawsuit.

No other state is known to explicitly ban the procedure

[They] worried that customers would travel across state lines to get the [...] procedure
Yes, yes, New Jersey tried to stay true to its roots and continue being known as "The Big Hair State" by banning the Brazilian Wax but the proposal has been pulled.

Fear not New Jersey Shore lovers! You won't being staring at any Bozo-bikini lines or "The Fro Down Below". No ladies, you have no excuse not to look like 9 year-old girls (7, if they drink hormone-rich milk).

Monday, March 16, 2009

Belated 18th Birthday Present?

One of the interesting features of the new Google Voice is that it has automatic transcription of voice messages. I've been waiting for someone to call and leave a message so I could test it out.

Tonight my dad called while I was in the bathroom. Here's the transcript:

hi jason and say hi and let you know you maybe getting laid emails from cousin on drew hey bobby it's bobby to you soon he's gonna be running a marathon site all maybe send you an email maybe have some tax forms so if you get it i know you do on the we don't open up any stuff but because mantle bobby maybe you will open it talk to you later bye
How many of your dads call to let you know you may be getting laid? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Jump! Jump! Jump!

The video you've all been waiting for! I had to cut out a bunch to make it small enough to upload.

Some background:

  • At the time I did this I disliked flying, had a fear of heights and suffered from horrible motion sickness.
  • Notice the difference in demeanor between my friend Sharon and myself. I am _not_ doing this for fun.
  • When the door opens, you can actually see my higher brain function shut off completely.
  • During the "training" they make it very clear that you should not touch the door frame. That is only for your jump master. It's not as easy as it sounds.
  • Watch closely. As soon as we leave the plane, my brain function kicks back on and pure terror takes over.
  • You can see me saying (mouthing) "Oh my God!" as I approach the camera. After that I remember thinking my mouth was getting dry (probably from the 120mph wind blowing into it) and then I actually had a couple seconds of enjoyment (or relief that I wasn't dead, same difference).

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

For Some, Every Operation Involves A Natural Orifice

I basically don't watch the "news" nor read any stories that clearly aren't news. Basically. And by that I mean I make some exceptions for potential blog fodder. Today, CNN had a story with the link: Doctors use orifices for weight-loss operations. That seemed like fertile ground.

Well, despite lots of talk about vaginae and mouths and rectums and penises, nothing really caught my eye until this:

Two groups, the American Society for Gastrointestinal Endoscopy and Society of American Gastrointestinal and Endoscopic Surgeons, formed a research group to consider issues and exchange information about natural orifice surgeries. The group is called the Natural Orifice Surgery Consortium for Assessment and Research, also known as NOSCAR.
Coming on the heels of this weekend's Daytona 500, all I could think of was some hillbilly doctor yelling "Boogity, boogity, boogity. Let's go Operating Boys!"

If that makes no sense, watch the first 30 or 40 seconds of the race video.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

It's The End Of The...Mmm, That's Tastey

The bill passed Friday...

...aimed at combating the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s...

President Obama will sign the newly passed $787 billion economic stimulus package on Tuesday...

Wow! Things are so bad he's only going to wait four days to sign the bill! I mean, they tell us that we are barreling towards the next Great Depression, spend three weeks farting around then pass a bill with little in it that could pass for "stimulus" and so what's a few more days of crisis, right?

Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: Because he can.

Q: Why do politicians run for office?
A: Because they can't lick themselves.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Dummies Guide To Being An Idiot

It's 9:30. I'm in bed with a cold.


WTF? Who would be ringing my doorbell? I peek out the window and don't see a car. That pretty much rules out a friend just dropping by or the maintenance guy. Probably wrong house or someone left some mail on my doorstep. I go back to bed.


Are you kidding me? Are you f'ing kidding me? It's Saturday morning. It's 30 degrees outside. What kind of f'ing idiot keeps ringing my doorbell?!

"Hi! We're from the church of..."


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Trebuchets Can Carry On

I'm going to be flying AirBerlin in a few months. I checked their baggage policy and came across this:

The following articles may only be carried in checked baggage:

  • Cutlery
  • Razor blades
  • Toy guns and commercially available toys that could be used as a weapon
  • Catapults
  • Sports rackets and other sports and leisure equipment that could be used as a weapon
  • Knitting needles

Just thinking what the airlines did the last time I checked my catapult... Never again. Never ever again.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Replacement Heads...Now I Get It!

Probably not safe for work...


Here's some others:
Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

Today, I went to get my school picture taken, when the photographer looked at me, saying, "You look like you need a mirror." FML

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

Did You Match The Carpet To The Drapes?

Person #1: Hi!
Person #2: Oh, hi!
P1 : Wow, you look good!
P2: Thanks.
P1: Yeah, nobody could tell you just had a baby.
P2: Yeah...
P1: You really look good.
P2: Mmhmm...
P1: Your hair looks so nice like that...
P2: Yeah, I just got it cut.
P1: It looks great!

That's all I heard.

Obviously, Person #2 is a woman (just had a baby). If Person #1 is a woman, this conversation is a nice compliment. If Person #1 is a man, this conversation is sexual harassment.

Just sayin'...

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Don't Be A C.T.

Ever since I read about the Canadian ruling that people disabled by obesity are entitled to free second seat on airplanes I've been waiting for a similar lawsuit from those of us who are so tall that sitting in a regular seat could actually cause us to become disabled. But until that day I'll just do my best to get those exit row and bulkhead seats.

For my flight down to Florida, I checked in online and had the choice of either a middle exit-row seat that did not recline (because of another exit row behind it) or a middle bulkhead seat across from the flight attendants (meaning 8 feet of leg room). Since the flight looked pretty full I was a little concerned that if I chose the bulkhead seat there would be no overhead space left for my bag. And, with no seat in front of it, there's also the issue of where to put my briefcase. In the end, I could not resist the siren song of the goddess Legroom. I took seat 8B.

First on the plane, rows 1-6, First Class. Next is "those needing a little more time or traveling with small children". That's about a third of the plane right there. Then comes "Elite" frequent travelers and finally they start the rows: 40 and higher...35 and higher...

By the time they get to me, "now boarding all rows" there are only about eight of us left. While waiting on the Jetway, one of the crew walks by with a fistful of the dreaded "gate check" tags. Not a good sign.

I board already knowing there is no room for my bag but just then one of the flight attendants leans over the man in 8C and says "You've been upgraded to First Class." As he starts to move forward the FA asks if he has a bag. He opens the compartment above him and removes a bag and coat and before he's even move the four steps to First Class I've shoved my bags in the space he left and taken his aisle seat to boot. The guy behind me steps on the plane and is informed there is no more room and they'll have to gate check his bag.

For dinner we were served the usual Continental meal: turkey sandwich, chips and chocolate. Same as the meal I had coming back home. The micro-turkey sandwich is one or two slices of turkey and a quarter leaf of iceberg lettuce on a 2"x2" or 2"x3" roll. The chips were a 3/4 ounce bag of Fritos. The chocolate was a Halloween "Fun size" Kit Kat bar.

Who the heck named that "Fun size" anyway? Didn't they ever see Willy Wonka? "Fun" is eating as much candy as you possibly can...Augustus Gloop-style. This bar is more of a tease-a Choc Tease! Naughty bar.

Oooh, that was a long journey for that joke. Anyway, don't mistake all this for a complaint; it's just documentation. As far as air travel goes, my bar for complaining is now set so that if we land on land then I'm not complaining.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

My Balls Disappeared And I Don't Take Steroids

Yesterday was flogging day. Flogging is when you go to a park like setting to and make wishes while you knock wishing spheres into the wishing ponds. It is exactly the opposite of golfing.

I made lots of wishes. All of them the same. "I wish this sphere would not go into the wishing pond!" Problem is, if it goes in then it can't come true but it can't come true if it doesn't go in. The flogging Catch-22.

The plan is to go out again on Friday. I will try a new wish. "I wish that this is the last sphere that goes into a pond!"

I wonder how many times I'll make that wish?

Maybe there's some karma here. When I first arrived in Flogida, my dad, avid bargain hunter, came over with a bag and said, "Look at this." It was filled with golf balls. "On clearance, six for $1.54! I bought all they had, 60 balls."

Is that some kind of challenge?

Monday, February 02, 2009

Say Goodnight, Gracie

"Well, there's all those monsters."

"What monsters?"

"You know, the Abominable Snowman, the Loch Ness Monster and the other one; the one with the big feet."

"Uhm, Bigfoot?"

"Yes, that's the one."

Thursday, January 29, 2009

When I Get To The Mountaintop You'd Better Get Out Of The Way

Think of the bagel I had for lunch yesterday as Hancock.

Think of the fiber bar snack and giant dinner salad as the freight train.

"What happens when an irresistible force means an immovable object?"

Let's just say that I could use a nap.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I Like Bronze Butts But I Don't Know Why

This is probably not very work safe but pretty funny, especially if you've ever been to Las Vegas.

Travels with Woot: Las Vegas & CES 2009 (Director's Cut) from Woot Video on Vimeo.

Great Gift For Your French Hunting Buddy

Are you crossing the fine line between musk and stench? Is your junk all in a funk? Are your privates described like The Grinch (stink, stank, stunk)? Well, maybe there is help for you yet.

MTP Performance Briefs with ScentEliminator™

MTP is a unique fabric that delivers year-round comfort, keeping you cool in summer and warm in winter. It has three times the evaporation ability of fabrics like cotton, while retaining cotton-like comfort. The secret to Cabela's MTP Series underwear is a unique process that permanently modifies the polyester fabric to quickly wick moisture away from your body, plus it inhibits bacteria, mold and mildew. ScentEliminator technology controls the growth of odor-causing bacteria, making this underwear an excellent choice for big-game hunters and outdoor enthusiasts. The fabric delivers maximum comfort and freedom of movement. Repeated machine washing will not affect its performance.

My first reaction was that I could take a dump in these trunks and no one would be the wiser but that's not quite what they're for. I do fear that some people will read "delivers year-round comfort" and think "I don't need to warsh them but once a year" (that's no typo, the person would obviously pronounce it "warsh" not "wash").

I also worry that the name MTP is too close to TP. "Hey, I don't think this Smellinator stuff is workin'!"

As for that last comment about "repeated machine washing" I think a better wording would be "Improves with each washing!"

Here's one of the comments:
no scent underwear, November 1, 2008
By jasper1988 from central bc

"So far so great. This item does block that nasty "human" ie crotch scent. I joked if I had four pairs I could go a month without showering....at least until you pull them off. The smell is in there but not noticable to my nose while wearing them for a couple days."

Note To Self: Don't Just Delete...Block Sender!

9am - email received. I am CC'ed.


I see you have been very busy.
  • The KMB11 is moving along.
  • YTM507 needs another month since the 506 problems have not been resolved.
  • We await a reply from Jombi in regards to the Hokdop and Redop.
  • The Sampar document is not complete. I will have Urbootea look into it.
I do not know Mobo, Jombi, Sampar, Urbootea or Maradapanan. I have no idea what any of these projects are. After seconds of my precious time, I determined that I was incorrectly copied on this email and deleted.

10:30 am - email received.
Maradapanan is attempting to recall this message.
Now I wonder, did it take an hour and a half to realize that he sent this to the wrong place or did it take that long to figure out how to try to recall a message? What is he trying to accomplish? Why am I thinking about this?

11am - email received.
By mistake you were copied on this email. Please ignore it. Sorry for the disruption.
Oh for chrissakes! Now what should I do? Should I reply and tell not to worry about? If I don't will he send me another unnecessary email? Will I be able to get any work done today or will it all be spent wait for another "email shoe" to drop?

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Winter Benefit: Pants Aren't As Tight

My electric company offers features beloved by anal-retentives, control freaks and the Asperger inclined. One of them is a break down of your electricity usage (I assume they estimate these otherwise I'll need to get out my tinfoil hat). The heat is so high because I have an electric heat pump.

The bottom part of the picture is the best. If you look closely, my home is actually off the chart. It uses less than the home that uses the least energy.

The problem with a heat pump is that it gets less efficient as the temperature goes down. I was thinking about this the other day when it dawned on me that my refrigerator is also acting as a heat pump. It removes the heat from the refrigerator and pumps it into my home. Unfortunately, there's no net benefit since the heat just seeps back in. Then I thought, "What if freeze some ice and then throw it outside? How much net heating would that generate?"

But asking the question is as geeky as I allow myself to get.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I Thought I Saw A Unicorn But I Was Upside-Down

I saw the headline "Obama's three-legged economy rescue" and I immediately thought "How is John Holmes is going to fix the economy?"

I don't know what the article said as I assumed it was Not Safe For Work.

I do like that Wikipedia clarifies that I'm linking to John Holmes-Actor (I think "actor" is being very polite) as opposed to John Holmes-Poet or Diplomat or Mercenary.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Birds Of Mass Block Suction

Sixteen months ago, the NAS* was picking up "chatter" from known terrorist groups. Something big was being planned but they did not inform anybody.

Ten months ago, an agent with the DoW** spotted suspicious activity. Several men and women wanting to learn about animal farming. The strange thing though: they were not interested in cows, pigs, sheep or goats; only poultry. Even then, they weren't very interested in chickens or turkeys. They did not want to learn how to sell or butcher the animals or how to fatten their livers via forced feedings. The agent made a report but it was ignored.

It is clear now what was going on. Al-Qaeda cells are breeding geese and ducks at high rates and releasing them near strategic targets, such as LaGuardia Airport.

Fortunately, on Tuesday, all these problems will magically go away. It will be another miracle.

* - National Audubon Society
** - Defenders of Wildlife

Is That A Burka You're Wearing Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Uhm, too cold and snowy to run for the second week in a row. Instead I went for a walk. Many parts of the creek near my house are frozen over. I've never seen that before. I took no chances.

This Post Is Free Except For The Mental Tax

What's the most egregious case of price vs. what you actually pay?

You're first thought might be your cell phone bill and I'd agree that's probably pretty bad. $39.99 a month turns out to cost $50, a 25% increase.

If you still have a regular, non-fancy phone line like me than your $12/month turns into $20, a ridiculous 67% more.

In Las Vegas recently I rented a car for $8.50/day for four days. Bill $59 after 74% airport access fee, facility charge, rental tax, state tax and vehicle license fee.

But I think I've found the craziest of them all. Air Berlin. Round trip (it's actually worse for one way but I'm trying to be nice) from Berlin to Copenhagen. Airfare 2 Euros plus taxes (6 Euros) plus fuel surcharge (50 Euros!) for a total of 58 Euros. But wait! Even though that is the total cost of the flight, there is a 15 Euro service charge to book it. How you might get on the flight without booking it is not explained. So from a 2 Euro fare, we end up at 73 Euros for a most egregious 3550% increase!

And that doesn't include fees for optional services like food, drinks, baggage or landing on land (too soon?). Holy scheisse!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Help Not Wanted

Multimillion dollar company seeks CEO. We are currently poised for future growth and need only a charismatic leader with vision and ability to think in and out of the box.

Job Description: You will have to find the largest number on a Powerpoint slide while appearing to ponder the decision. Occasionally you will need to pick the second largest number explaining that "all our competitors will go after the largest number leaving the other market entirely to us!" Lots of glad handing and travel (via private jet) required. Additional random decision making will also be necessary.

Requirements: B.S. (and lots of it), perennial optimism, great teeth and an ability to lie through them, lack of accountability a must! Self-absorbency a plus! Maximum 10 handicap. Mysogony helpful but not required.

Monday, January 12, 2009

No Wonder People Drink Coffee In The Morning

At 8am, the fastest way for me to get to work is via the back roads. There's a bunch of stop signs and lights but it's faster than sitting in traffic on the highway. It also puts a little more wear and tear on things, like my recently replaced brake pads.

A little while ago I decided on a new method: I work from home for the early part of the morning and then head in to the office around 9 when traffic on the highway has subsided.

Once I get about halfway to work I think, "Wasn't I supposed to take the highway?"

This plan isn't working out too well.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Not The Women I Date, Of Course

Today, I have a little more empathy for women.

Yesterday it snowed like crazy. The weather channel promised six to nine inches.

We got three.


And it's just not satisfying.

Yes, today I have a little more empathy for women.

Monday, January 05, 2009

No Shirt, No Stamp, No Dice

$1ooo pot stickers? How are these not collectors items?

Yessir. You want to walk around the state of Kansas with more than an ounce of ganga or a gram of toot and you best have your drug stamps in order.

The fact that dealing marijuana and controlled substances is illegal does not exempt it from taxation. Therefore drug dealers are required by law to purchase drug tax stamps.

The drug tax is due as soon as the dealer takes possession of the marijuana or controlled substance. Payment of the drug tax will purchase the drug tax stamps. Attach the stamp to the marijuana and/or controlled substance immediately after receiving the substance. The stamps are valid for 3 months. Drugs seized without stamps or having expired stamps may result in criminal or civil penalties which may include fines, seizure of property or liens against real estate.

A dealer is not required to give his/her name or address when purchasing stamps and the Department is prohibited from sharing any information relating to the purchase of drug tax stamps with law enforcement or anyone else.

Oh and there's also this tidbit...
Purchasing drug tax stamps does not make possession of drugs legal.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Ideas In Post Are Smaller Than They Appear

I just finished reading another large print book. The book was Don't Tell a Soul by David Rosenfelt. Quite a page turner but that's mostly because there are only four or five words per page. I never thought that my reading speed would challenge my page turning abilities. (Seriously, it's more suited to a plane trip than a book club.)

As I brought up in a previous post, the library had both regular and large print versions of this book. I planned to get the regular print but when I got to the library someone had just checked it out which is amazing considering I don't even know how most of the people at the library are able to see well enough to drive.

Anyway, my book list is exceedingly short so if you have any recommendations, feel free to leave them in the comments.