Subject: Pay now or risk losing coverage!

That's the email subject line I got from my new insurance company a few weeks ago. (The due date, I know, is 1/1/17 but the email does not mention that. But that is not the story.) I finally go to the website to pay. It asks for my member #. I have not been sent a member #. So I call them.

After navigating the unhelpful prompts (Para Espanol, marque nueve!) I finally reach a pleasant person who tells me I won't receive my member number until I pay my premium. (!) Fortunately, she can give it to me. I then try to log in and that fails. She tries and fails. Seems I can't log in to the account until 1/1. She gives me two suggestions: 1) try the automated phone payment or 2) send in a payment (write down this address, put your member # and last four of your SSN and your name and address on the check and send it to the attn: of such and such {the FL part of this conglomerate}). As I'm writing all this I think, "I'll sooner switch to a different insurance than actually write a check and put it in the mail. What is this? 1995?" She kindly offers to transfer me to the automated pay line.

I hear a few beeps and boops and then an automaton says "to complete this as a cold transfer, press 'conference' then 3." And then there is a long silence. I figure, "what the heck" and press 3 myself. A few moments later I am connected to another pleasant person asking what she can do for me. I explain I was supposed to be transferred to the automated payment line but I'll just call back. She says, "no, no, I'll transfer you." After 30 seconds of silence, I hang up and call back.

As I dial I wonder if Spanish speakers get better service. Is my Espanol good enough to "marque nueve?" I stick with English. Then "payments" and then "medical". There is a long recording about how if you use a credit card the billing address for your card must match the billing address for your insurance. If they don't you must pick another payment method. And then another voice says, "this number is not in service." and it hangs up on me!

Does this shit happen to other people?