This'll Get You Off My Shaved Dog Post

Just wondering...

Are Orthodox Jews allowed to speak Pig Latin?

Do short people get married just to have someone around to help them fold their sheets?

Wouldn't it make more sense for stores to close on Good Friday and then re-open on Easter?

Shave Your Dog

I'm not losing my hair, it's simply sliding further down my body.

Yesterday, I decided to trim the hair on my neck. I got out my clippers and starting buzzing around and I was struck with this thought, "Where does my neck end and my chest begin?" There was no longer an obvious hair gap. I buzzed down to my collar bone.

"Well, that doesn't look right," I thought. So I buzzed across the collar bone. Nope. Still not right.

I continued working my way down, trying to make things look "right" but it just got worse and worse until I was completely man-scaped!

In the lemonade category, it is easier to clean the shower now. I'm also expecting less bellybutton lint.

Why Did The Nurse Have A Thermometer Behind Her Ear?*

Didn't a similar thing happen to Paul McCartney when he got married?

* - Some *sshole got her pencil.

onna da bright side, nowe yoo can git into heaven

Here's my previous post dumbed-down using Unintelligencer (set to "moron"). Too bad they don't have the reverse function.

WWJCD? AX URSLEF TAHT QUESTION AN TAHN DO OPPOSITE.

JC HERE STANDZ FOR JIM CRAMER (WHO HAZ BIN UNFAVORABLY COMPARED TEW MONKEY BUT DA SITE SEEMZ0RZ MESSED UPP ZO I WON'T BOTHER LINKING IT) WHO GAVE DIS BRILLIANT ADVISE A WEEK AGO, 3/11/08.

JSTU IN CASE YALL HAVEN'T HEARED, 8EAR STEARNS AGREED TO B BOUGHT AT $2/SHARE TIHS PAST WEEKEND. IFFN JOO LISTENED TO JC, U LOST $65/SHARE IN LEZZ THAN A WEEK.

OF COURSE, JC WOULD TELLS YUO THAT IF YTOU LISTENED TO HIM, YOU WOULD HAVE A NICE, DIVERSIFIED PORTFOLIO TO HEDGE AGAINST ANY BIG LOOSER (OAR WINNER BUT HE WON'T SAY THAT). TJE QUESTION ARE: IF YOU ARE LISTENING TO SOMEONE'S STOCK PICKING ADVICE, WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT OR ENED DIVERSITY?! IF HE (OR HER) IS NAWT TELLING YOU SURE WINNERS, WHY THGE F*** ARE YOU LISTENING TO THEM?

YOU'D BE BETTOR OFF PLAYING WIF YOUR OWN MONKEY.

On The Bright Side, Now You Can Get Into Heaven

WWJCD? Ask yourself that question and then do the opposite.

JC here stands for Jim Cramer (who has been unfavorably compared to a monkey but the site seems messed up so I won't bother linking it) who gave this brilliant advice a week ago, 3/11/08.

Just in case you haven't heard, Bear Stearns agreed to be bought at $2/share this past weekend. If you listened to JC, you lost $65/share in less than a week.

Of course, JC would tell you that if you listened to him, you would have a nice, diversified portfolio to hedge against any big loser (or winner but he won't say that). The question is: If you are listening to someone's stock picking advice, why on Earth would you want or need diversity?! If he (or she) is not telling you sure winners, why the f*** are you listening to them?

You'd be better off playing with your own monkey.

Next Time, She'll Re-Fuse To Leave

It's tough for a humor blog to compete with the news these days. Sigh. Enough to drive a man to drink. Here's my latest recipe:

Mix one part very powerful whiner with one or two (maybe three) parts of 22 year old Sprite. Add some wife bitters and serve to public. I call this cock tale an Eliot Spritzer.

No? OK, how about a news story about a woman who would drive Chef crazy.

A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom

The police officer in charge of the "woman stuck to toilet seat" investigation? Officer Mr. Whipple!

They had conversations and had an otherwise normal relationship -- except it all happened in the bathroom.

[Those of you that know me, insert the joke you know I would make here.]

When asked why he hadn't reported the situation for two years, her boyfriend, Kory McFarren said, "Don't worry, be happy!"

From the movie (I swear) Cocktail

Here's a little song I wrote
You might sing it note-for-note
Don't worry, be happy
If you're an elected official
You're sex life getting a little dull
Don't worry, be happy
Everyday you gotta wear a suit
Stay away from the prostitute
Don't worry, be happy
Girlfriend stuck to a toilet seat
Freezer full of parakeets
Don't worry, be happy