Cyanide Is Natural

Apparently, Pizza Hut has a new pizza product called "The Natural". It features "a multigrain crust, all-natural pepperoni or Rustica sausage, all-natural mozzarella cheese and all-natural sauce made from vine-ripened tomatoes".

Alternatively you can still order their other pizzas: pan, thin, hand-tossed, stuffed crust. I assume these feature unnatural pepperoni, unnatural cheese and unnatural sauce. Or maybe their regular stuff is only partially unnatural? Which parts? And really, is there anything natural about pepperoni?

And why is natural better? Is natural wider? Because e aho laula--wider is better--if wider is natural than natural is better!

On the other hand, I've eaten some "natural" products that were not better in any way, shape, form or taste. Fish milk cheese ranks right at the top of this list.

And He Stuck A Finger Up His Nose And Came Down With The Flu

Christ - from the Greek kristos meaning annointed
mas - from the Spanish meaning more

And so I give you the true meaning of Christmas.

Scene:

Somewhere in the Mideast, it is Passover, the Jewish New Year, which because of the crazy lunar calendar falls just after the winter solstice this year. There are thirteen Mexican landscapers sitting on one side of a long table having a feast. The one in the middle is Sus (soos). The tortillas have been overcooked and are crisp and crunchy. They were out of flour so they had to make them from corn (maize) and they called them maiztah.

The evening arrived; the apostles took their places. The master, in his cook's uniform, stationed himself at the copper; his pauper assistants ranged themselves behind him; the gruel was served out; and a long grace was said over the short commons. The gruel disappeared; the apostles whispered each other, and winked at Sus; while his next neighbours nudged him. Latino as he was, he was desperate with hunger, and reckless with misery. He rose from the table; and advancing to the master, basin and spoon in hand, said: somewhat alarmed at his own temerity:

"Please, sir, I want some more."

The master was a fat, healthy man; but he turned very pale. He gazed in stupefied astonishment on the small rebel for some seconds, and then clung for support to the copper. The assistants were paralysed with wonder; the apostles with fear.

"What!" said the master at length, in a faint voice.

"Please, sir," replied Sus, "I want some more."

The master aimed a blow at Sus's head with the ladle; pinioned him in his arms; and shrieked aloud for the beadle.

The board were sitting in solemn conclave, when Mr. Iscariot rushed into the room in great excitement, and addressing the gentleman in the high chair, said,

"Mr. Pilate, I beg your pardon, sir! Hey! Sus has asked for more!"

There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance.

"For more!" said Mr. Pilate. "Compose yourself, Judas Iscariot, and answer me distinctly. Do I understand that he asked for more, after he had eaten the supper allotted by the dietary?"

"He did, sir," replied Iscariot.

"That man will be crucified," said the gentleman in the white waistcoat. "I know that Haysus will be crucified."

And that's why everyone gets presents from Santa on Christmas.

This story is traditionally told on Dec. 26th...and that's where Boxing Day comes from.

Didn't I See This In Saw IV?

Problem: As an overbearing, control freak parent you direct nearly everything your child does from what sports they play to what classes they take to what friends they have (ha! like these kids have friends). What could possibly be left?

Well, how about controlling their eating habits? No, no, no. Not just what they eat but how they eat it. First pick up the Kami Kami, then with a little help from your engineer friend, hook it up to one of those invisible dog fence shock collars. Now, if your kid doesn't chew his food enough (a number you control!) ZZZZZAP! Your kid will say they love you more than ever...

Until they kill you.



Thanks to occasional reader eLarge (a name I've made to protect his identity except from Germans) for this gem.