We Need a Post Office Version Of ELIZA

I want to send this certified. I need this to be in Florida by Friday. I need to be able to track this.

No matter what I asked for, the post office always knew what I meant...until today. Sure, sure, I am partly to blame. I asked for "proof of mailing" instead of "certificate of mailing" but any post officer worth their salt should know what I'm talking about.

PO: Do you want to send this certified?
me: No. I just want proof of mailing.
PO: If you want proof of receipt, you need to send it certified, return receipt.
me: I don't need to know they got it. I just need proof I sent it.
PO: Do you want to send it priority?
me: I just want to send it First Class.
PO: Do you want a certificate or a receipt?
me: What's the difference?
PO: The certificate is $1.10 and has the address. The receipt has only the city and state you mailed to.

Ah, here's where I made my error. I did want the certificate. But the $1.10 through me off. My Asperger-y brain thought $1.10 was the charge for certified mail (and it probably was back in 1992) and so I said:

me: Just the receipt.
PO: That'll be $0.76

And then I knew I f*cked up but certainly I was not going to admit that! That'd be like asking for directions at a gas station.

So, I'll save my useless receipt and wait for my check to be cashed. And dream of inventing a gadget that would do for the post office what the GPS did for gas stations.