This Article Contains 0 g Trans Fat

I don't eat potato chips very often and when I do, I like to try something new. Well, new to me, at least. A few weeks ago I bought some Gibble's. And hey, bonus, 0g trans fats!

They're actually very tasty but occasionally one tastes, I don't know, a bit off. Let's check those ingredients.

potatoes, prime processed lard, salt and TBHQ. Lard? Why on earth do they use lard? Oh, hey, they even explain that.

Do you realize that, commonly, to produce vegetable oil, seeds must be roasted, steel rolled and flooded with hexane solvent to extract the oil, which is then treated with lye, neutralized with hydrochloric acid, filtered through diatomaceous earth, and deodorized under high temperature?

Lard is a rich naturally stable fat, rendered from pork, that provides the true homestyle flavor that most people prefer. Pure energy. Simple and delicious.

Wow! Lard sounds great!

I thought I'd try my hand writing an enticing paragraph for a vegetable oil based chip.

Did you know that, commonly, to produce lard, pigs are first stunned by an electric shock to either side of their neck, then their throats are slit until they bleed to death, they are butchered and the parts considered unfit for eating are heated in giant vats that smell like the mass graves of Srebenica and the liquid that comes out is treated with tertiary butylhydroquinone?

Clearly, I have missed my calling.

Foley Operators Make Weird Noises

From the feedback I get, it seems the posts people enjoy most are the ones where life sh*ts on my new shirt. With this in mind I bring you my travails of the past couple days with my crashed hard drive.

Sorry, I must cut that post short as the Foley story is too good to pass up. I take you live to the Island of Gozo...

[...] the priest said it wasn't abuse because Foley "seemed to like it."

We were just fondling.

It's not like I was IMing him or something.

"See abuse, it's a bad word, you know, because abuse, you abuse someone against his will. But it involved just spontaneousness, you know?"

Mr. Mackey, mkay, says fondling is bad, mkay. Like drugs, mkay. Drugs are bad, mkay.

"I would say that if I offended him, I am sorry, but to remember the good time we had together, you know?" he said. "And how really we enjoyed each other's company. And to let bygones be bygones. Don't keep dwelling on this thing, you know?"

Yes, remember the good times. Any time you need a friend. Good times. Not getting hassled, not getting hustled. Keeping your head above water, making a wave when you can. Temporary layoffs. Good times.

There is much, much more. I cannot quote it all. I close with the Vatican's response:

A Vatican spokesman said that if Foley's allegations are true, "we participate in the pain that this deplorable situation has caused."

"We trust in the competent ecclestial [sic] authorities to investigate and clarify the events that have been reported," said Father Federico Lombardi.

What Does A Million's Book Look Like?

Come with me on a trip back to late August (cue harp music)...

Before I left for Germany, I had been talking to someone (let's call him Chuck) about the upcoming trip. As I recall, he had been to Germany before and offered to let me borrow a phrase book. A week later I left for Germany without ever receiving the book.

Three weeks later I got back to work and found on my chair a German phrase book. No note, no nothing. Oh well. After a couple of days, I went by Chuck's cube. Since he wasn't around I returned the favor and the book, leaving it on his chair.

That was 3 weeks ago. Today, I ran into another friend (let's call him Million). We discussed the latest rumors at work, the usual stuff. Then he floored me with this:

Million: Did you get that German book I left you?
Me: You?
Million: Yeah, I left you a book on your chair but I think you had already left for Germany.
Me: Uh, yeah, I got it when I got back but I thought someone else had left it and I gave it back to them.

Million didn't seem bothered. I don't think he has any plans to go to Germany soon. On the other hand, I felt like an idiot. I headed over to Chuck's cube. He wasn't there but the book was sitting on his desk.

I could have left a note but at least now either three people have an interesting story about a German phrase book, or two do and one thinks he's losing his mind.

Those Crazy Canucks

I'm currently reading Rogue Messiahs - Tales of Self-Proclaimed Saviors by Colin Wilson. I just read through the account of Roch (aka Rock aka Moses) Theriault. Wikipedia gives you an idea of how f*cked up this guy was. (The account in the book is much longer and more graphic, nearing Aztec proportions.)

[...] Theriault was probably delusional and may have actually believed he could do miracles. In particular, he once tried to resurrect a woman he had killed by sawing the top off her corpse's skull and masturbating into the cavity.

Probably?! Are there non-delusional people that do this?

I am so looking forward to speaking to the next religious zealot that knocks on my door.

That Deer Came Right Through The Windshield

Even the least sexist person in the world would admit that when it comes to shooting warm fluid all over the windshield of a car, men have a big advantage over women. Well, some men only have a small advantage but most of them have Corvettes.

Well, that advantage has vanished with this nifty invention. If you want to really piss a man off, install one on his Vette.

Enough With The Hiccups

I have discovered another cure for hiccups. Just for a second, consider the cure offered in a previous post. Shazam! Hiccups gone.

Two Posts With The Flimsiest Thread Between Them

I've been waiting for the Pope to officially get rid of limbo but it appears that decision has been delayed for at least a year. Jamacians and drunk Spring Breakers rejoice!

So, without any religious stuff to make fun of, let's take time out for a tech gadget break. I bring you the LASER TV! I assume it is perfect for getting stoned and watching Pink Floyd The Wall.