Named By The Same Guy Who Couldn't Spell Socks

When I was around 11 or 12 years old, a wave of chicken pox hit my school. Almost everyone got it. Everyone except me and my next door neighbor. It seemed very clear to me why I did not get it. I went to my mother and said:

me: I'm immune.
mom: What?
me: I'm immune to chicken pox.
mom: But you never had them before.
me: I'm naturally immune.

My mom rolled her eyes and lit up a cigarette.

About a year later my neighbor got the pox and my mom rushed me over to be with him. She wanted me to get chicken pox while I was still a kid. I heard something about it causing sterility if a man got it as an adult. I protested, "But I'm immune!"

My pox covered friend was not much fun to be around but I endured. We sat around. Watched TV. Ate Lil' Smokies and frozen pizza bites. Actually, it wasn't much different than when he didn't have some disease.

A couple weeks later, with only a slight smirk and a glint in her eye, my mom said to me "Immune, huh? I'll get you some Caladryl. And stop scratching, you'll get scars."

Like, Thanks For The Gumball, Dude

When I was growing up, there was a commercial on TV for gumball machines. I don't remember all the types but I'm pretty sure they made Mickey Mouse and Popeye models. The ads went something like this:

kid: Penny for a gumball, Mickey.
(operates machine)
kid: Thanks for the gumball!
other kid: Penny for a gumball, Popeye.
(operates machine)
other kid: Thanks for the gumball!

I wonder how much you could sell one of those gumball machines for in Ellicott City, MD?

The Yates Of Hell

I can't help but think that if Andrea Yates was an atheist she'd be on (or on her way to) death row.

Her attorneys said she suffered from severe postpartum psychosis and, in a delusional state, believed that Satan was inside her and that killing the youngsters would save them from hell.

What would they say if she was an atheist that might carry a similar weight? She was saving them from alien invaders from Sporlok-9? I don't think there's anything and without it, I think she's found guilty.

But back to that statement: if it's false then Yates got away with murder. On the other hand, if it's true, does that make her religion (apparently some form of Christianity) culpable? Take away Satan and heaven and hell and what's left? Would she still kill her kids? Would she still get away with it?

This Rice Is A Bit Too Toothy For Me

Is it just me or is there a resemblence here?

Maybe She Thought It Was Halloween

A friend of mine was at a birthday party this weekend. They were opening gifts and several bottles of alcohol had already been received. The birthday guy turned to his 2 year old daughter, who was holding another bottle-sized gift and said:

BG: What do think is in that one?
2 year old: More booze.

Start saving for therapy now.

If You Bake Them, They Will Come

I've got good news and I've got bad news and I don't know which is which.

I made cookies this weekend and, as usual, did not follow a recipe exactly. This batch contains a secret ingredient I've never used in cookies I've brought in to work before. I won't divulge the ingredient until after I've gotten feedback from the people brave enough to eat cookies without knowing what might be in them. It's kind of an indirect test of trust, paranoia and one-track-mindedness. Almost as if I shot this ingedient through my Johari Window and it landed in my cookies.

Whether this is good news or bad news depends on whether you have and want access to the cookies.

Update (7-24-06 13:36): People have finally started eating the cookies. This morning, no one would touch them. I'd put this experiment right up there with Stanford Prison Experiment or the Milgram Experiment in terms of importance to the psychological community.

Some further information that leaked out (is that a pun?) this morning:

Co-Worker: Is there anything harmful in them?
Me: There's no cyanide or poison or anything in them.
CW: Is it a food product that people normally eat.
Me: People eat it.
CW: Do sane people eat this product?
Me: Sane people have eaten it.

There is conjecture on whether the ingredient is actually food or just something that people eat. There is conjecture that the ingredient was added by accident (e.g. it fell off a shelf into the mix) or was added by an animal (e.g. rat droppings). It has been suggested that "you could get pregnant" eating more than one.

General concensus is that nobody tastes anything different about these cookies. Some feel that since they taste like my other cookies, my secret ingredient has failed.

The "known" ingredients are: flour, oatmeal, butter, eggs, white and brown sugar, peanut butter, vanilla and chocolate chips/chunks.

I'd say that this has turned out much more interesting than expected.

Update #2 (7-24-06 15:34): As I've gotten feedback from everyone who might eat the cookies I can reveal the ingredient. It was margarine.

What happened was, I only took one stick of butter out of the freezer to defrost even though I need two. Since I didn't want to wait for another to defrost and I didn't want to risk defrosting one in the microwave I just used half butter/half margarine in the recipe. Apparently, this had no effect (at least none that could be detected in a normal setting).

For Serious Investors Only!

During my morning routine I usually watch a little CNBC. This morning there was a guest on whose investing advice was so important that I must forgo my usual feeble attempts at humor to ensure you get this ground breaking advice. This person (Richard Suttmeier from Joseph Stevens) gave the following critical advice:

"Investors today have to be aware that this is a bear market[*] and they have to have investment strategies to take advantage of that and that is: on these big days up--that we get--to look to raise cash in stocks they've been long for the long term and then, on weakness, look for other opportunities in the stock market."

You might want to print that out. I'm not sure if quoting that is considered "fair use". I'm expecting to receive a letter from somebody's lawyers soon telling me to remove this post. It's really a race between that letter and being "slash dotted" or "digg.com"ed first.

On the other hand, given how many people will start implementing this strategy, you might try a contrarian view. Buy stocks when they are up and sell them when they are down. I already know several people who use this strategy. Apparently they are happy with it as they continue to use. They must be raking in the dough.

See you in the rich house!

* - Note that this advice is limited to bear markets only. If the market goes flat or turns bullish, I guess we'll have to tune in to find out what to do.