Apparently, I Am The Anti-Christ

What do you call a guy who's born Jewish and has nails put into his feet?

OK, then, what do you call a guy who's born Jewish and pulls nails out of his feet?



Disgusting?

What Am I Bid For This Piece Of Junk?

When a CEO of a successful company decides to retire for reasons other than they are dying, that company is about underperform the market quite a bit.
Examples: Starbucks, Dell, Apple.

Prediction:

Ebay will be sucking wind for a while.

No, It's A Fava Favicon

If you are reading this, and I'm pretty sure you are, you may notice something new.

Look. Up in the sky (or address bar).

It's a plane.

It's a bird.

No, it's a milk carton favicon! What wouldn't be more exciting than that!

PP Post

Humidifier for a penguin pedophile. How often would you adjust the output?

TP: TNG

One of the side effects of ordering 500 high-fiber snack bars from Amazon is the suggestions they make based on your order. But something that I don't want to put my finger on tells me not to order the Seventh Generation Recycled Toilet Paper. Not even if I was wearing these gloves (sold by ToiletPaperWorld).

Eww.

Update: The original post title was "TP TNG" but someone suggested the TP needed to be attached to a colon...so there you go.

Thou Shalt Not Steal

Thanks to Zimbo for this, which I stole from here just in case it got deleted.

Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker Aphorisms

1. Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers


2. Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole


3. Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry


4. Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.


5. There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings


6. "Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day."­ God.


7. God Doesn't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.


8. If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?


9. He's Dead.
   It's Been 2,000 years.
   He's Not Coming Back.
   Get OVER It Already!


10. All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.


11. Viva La Evolución!


12. Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season


13. I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist


14. Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.


15. People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs


16. Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.


17. Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!


18. GOD - APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!


19. Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK


20. God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus


21. God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.


22. When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!


23. Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
    A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.


24. You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing


25. I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.


26. Science: It Works, Bitches.


27. "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987


28. I Found God Between The Sheets


29. I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent


30. My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel


31. Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten


32. If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?


33. Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia


34. ALL Americans Are African Americans


35. I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?


36. I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God


37. The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative


38. If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?


39. JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself


40. How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can't Even Define It?


41. Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?
    A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.


42. Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex


43. I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.


44. WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.


45. The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children


46. Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War


47. Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony


48. God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?


49. When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on
    Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank Sinatra.


50. No Gods. No Mullets.

Here are some more from the comments section:

• If God had intended me to go to church, he would have given me a bigger ass to sit on and a smaller brain to think with.
• Don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church.
• We've found the body. Easter canceled.
• Atheism is myth-understood

and the reason these are so funny is because of people like jaybee who posted

Abortion: Another low self esteem whore gave a little sex in exchange for love, why kill the only good thing that will come of her existence?

Say Hello To My Little Friend......Nubbin

I was going to write something about Omar bin Laden, who married a serial-marrier and now plans a horse race across North Africa but I couldn't get past the picture which shows him with braids, not dreadlocks! Also notice that he is sporting what most people call a goatee, the kind that attaches to a mustache (actually known as a "pinch".)

Fortunately for me I have recently stopped wearing such an un-cool form of facial hair. I now sport a horseshoe mustache plus nubbin (aka royale aka soul patch aka flavor saver).

But this is just a step in the evolution. Next stop is the Franz Josef.




Then I will make a brief stop at the Friendly Mutton Chops on my way to Hulihee.






Ultimately, I hope to get to the French Fork.









Whoops! I meant Liberty Fork!