Jump! Jump! Jump!

The video you've all been waiting for! I had to cut out a bunch to make it small enough to upload.

Some background:

• At the time I did this I disliked flying, had a fear of heights and suffered from horrible motion sickness.
  
• Notice the difference in demeanor between my friend Sharon and myself. I am _not_ doing this for fun.
• When the door opens, you can actually see my higher brain function shut off completely.
• During the "training" they make it very clear that you should not touch the door frame. That is only for your jump master. It's not as easy as it sounds.
• Watch closely. As soon as we leave the plane, my brain function kicks back on and pure terror takes over.
• You can see me saying (mouthing) "Oh my God!" as I approach the camera. After that I remember thinking my mouth was getting dry (probably from the 120mph wind blowing into it) and then I actually had a couple seconds of enjoyment (or relief that I wasn't dead, same difference).

For Some, Every Operation Involves A Natural Orifice

I basically don't watch the "news" nor read any stories that clearly aren't news. Basically. And by that I mean I make some exceptions for potential blog fodder. Today, CNN had a story with the link: Doctors use orifices for weight-loss operations. That seemed like fertile ground.

Well, despite lots of talk about vaginae and mouths and rectums and penises, nothing really caught my eye until this:

Two groups, the American Society for Gastrointestinal Endoscopy and Society of American Gastrointestinal and Endoscopic Surgeons, formed a research group to consider issues and exchange information about natural orifice surgeries. The group is called the Natural Orifice Surgery Consortium for Assessment and Research, also known as NOSCAR.

Coming on the heels of this weekend's Daytona 500, all I could think of was some hillbilly doctor yelling "Boogity, boogity, boogity. Let's go Operating Boys!"

If that makes no sense, watch the first 30 or 40 seconds of the race video.

It's The End Of The...Mmm, That's Tastey

The bill passed Friday...

...aimed at combating the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression of the 1930s...

President Obama will sign the newly passed $787 billion economic stimulus package on Tuesday...

Wow! Things are so bad he's only going to wait four days to sign the bill! I mean, they tell us that we are barreling towards the next Great Depression, spend three weeks farting around then pass a bill with little in it that could pass for "stimulus" and so what's a few more days of crisis, right?

Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: Because he can.

Q: Why do politicians run for office?
A: Because they can't lick themselves.

Dummies Guide To Being An Idiot

It's 9:30. I'm in bed with a cold.

Ding-dong.

WTF? Who would be ringing my doorbell? I peek out the window and don't see a car. That pretty much rules out a friend just dropping by or the maintenance guy. Probably wrong house or someone left some mail on my doorstep. I go back to bed.

Ding-dong.

Are you kidding me? Are you f'ing kidding me? It's Saturday morning. It's 30 degrees outside. What kind of f'ing idiot keeps ringing my doorbell?!

"Hi! We're from the church of..."

SLAM!

Trebuchets Can Carry On

I'm going to be flying AirBerlin in a few months. I checked their baggage policy and came across this:

The following articles may only be carried in checked baggage:

• Cutlery
• Razor blades
• Toy guns and commercially available toys that could be used as a weapon
• Catapults
• Sports rackets and other sports and leisure equipment that could be used as a weapon
• Knitting needles

Just thinking what the airlines did the last time I checked my catapult... Never again. Never ever again.

Replacement Heads...Now I Get It!

Probably not safe for work...

Eww..hahahah...eww.

Here's some others:
Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

Today, I went to get my school picture taken, when the photographer looked at me, saying, "You look like you need a mirror." FML

Today, I was on the internet with my Dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type 'allergies' into the Google Search Box and as I typed 'a', the phrase 'amazing sex positions' popped up as a search I had already looked up. My Dad asked me if any of the positions worked out. FML

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

Did You Match The Carpet To The Drapes?

Person #1: Hi!
Person #2: Oh, hi!
P1 : Wow, you look good!
P2: Thanks.
P1: Yeah, nobody could tell you just had a baby.
P2: Yeah...
P1: You really look good.
P2: Mmhmm...
P1: Your hair looks so nice like that...
P2: Yeah, I just got it cut.
P1: It looks great!

That's all I heard.

Obviously, Person #2 is a woman (just had a baby). If Person #1 is a woman, this conversation is a nice compliment. If Person #1 is a man, this conversation is sexual harassment.

Just sayin'...