Spreading The News

Breaking News:
Bozo the Clown is not John McCain's Vice Presidential pick. This is confirmed by two of my sources: Kamans Ents and Hooda F. Kairs.

And now for the important stuff, CNN has an article with eight bad reasons to have sex. In the interest of balance, here is the view from a possible hookie.
Revenge - "Hooking up with his best friend because you're angry at your boyfriend will get you nowhere." Until my friends get better taste in women, there's nothing to worry about here.
Ego Gratification - "You must be fine if that scorching hot bartender took you home." Wow, that would take some heavy duty beer goggles!
Appliance Envy - I'll crank the AC down to 72 and then we can heat things up with my 52 incher!
Weight Loss - "a 120-pound woman burns only 57 calories during 15 minutes of sex." That's the same number of calories as a dead fish. Try being a little more active.
Clarity - Apparently, you are actually a lesbian but unwilling to admit it. Maybe that's why you only burn 57 calories during sex.
Mercy - "Misery loves company -- good luck getting him out of your apartment." That's why you should go to his place.
Quid Pro Quo - "Just because he bought you a lobster doesn't mean you need to give up dessert." If you never buy dinner, then it is quid pro quo.
Fame by Association - "fame is not transmissible through intimate contact." perhaps you can raise your self esteem enough to move into the quid pro quo group.

Alanis Morissette To Sing At Funeral

Freeman's relatives said he visited about half the places on his list before he died

Moral of the story is: keep your list short.

Desperado, Why Don't You Come To Your Senses?

Welcome to another edition of JayGadget, highlighting only the weirdest and most dubious products known to man me.

The Gerber 22-80066 Carnivore Blood Tracking Light, TRAX Blood Tracking Technology with Sheath is, well, I think the name pretty much speaks for itself. On second thought, let's check that description:

Illuminating a blood trail is important when tracking wounded game through thick woods and underbrush. For a long time now experienced hunters have known that a combination of red and white or red and blue lighting would help to illuminate a blood trail. The Gerber Carnivore Blood Tracking Light incorporates a bright Xenon light to follow a blood trail in low light conditions and can be easily switched with one hand for night tracking by utilizing the Carnivore’s four red and four blue LED bulbs.

Reading that it is immediately obvious that this device is for inept (unable to kill with one shot), patriotic (red, white and blue lights!) hunters. So, if you're closer to a crack pot than a crack shot and you love America more than your Bonbon eating, NASCAR loving, trailer trash wife then this baby is for you!

Here are some of the user comments. First the good:

"I'll Have a Blood Light! [...] I can follow a blood trail easily using this tracking device!" [Your Friend, Ted Bundy]

"I really can't say much about the product, it was a gift for my boyfriend and he seems to be happy with it." [but now I only see him 3 weeks a month. Weird!]

"i tryed this out on ketchup in the yard in the dark" [and it led me to a wounded tomato plant]

And the bad:

"one important aspect of this item that is not made clear is that is will only work for tracking blood during the night. it does not work during the day. I thought the light would make blood stand out for a daytime track, but I tested it and it does not." [Instead, I had to actually follow the limping, dying deer.]

"If I knew how this product actually worked and were thinking about buying one, I wouldn't. " [Your Friend, Yogi Berra]

"I have found that if I use the tracking light too long my eyes seem to function poorly [...]" [But it works okay if you point it the other direction.]

"Hopefully next years hunting season will be colder so the blood will stay 'wet' for better tracking ability." [Otherwise, what will I do with this set of 'blood' tires?]

And the disturbing:

"I poured a blood trail as a test of the Carivore [...] Despite the fact that I knew where the trail lead I could not follow it with the Carnivore. I contacted Gerber to see if I was using the light correctly [...]" [They told me that I should start with mushed bananas and not introduce blood until 6 months.]

"I tested this light on a fresh blood trail and even a pool of blood in the back of my truck" [It's one of those endless pools so it doesn't take up much space. My wife made me get it but now she doesn't use it any more."

As far as the "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" section, there's the expected hunting books and tree stands and such. And of course The Very Best of The Eagles CD because no hunt is complete without a little Eagles. I suggest In The Long Run while tracking.

Citius, Altius, Fortius

In case you don't speak Latin that means "if your sport is entirely based on judging then you can't whine about the judging when it goes against you".

And, for those that don't know, Modern Pentathlon consists of the following five sports:

1. Shooting: Air Pistol
2. Fencing: Epee
3. Swimming: 200m freestyle
4. Equestrian: Show Jumping
5. Running: 3000m cross country

None of which completely rely on subjective judging.

Fun Facts:

• The Albanians are not expected to medal in Modern Pentathlon.
• The Albanians do not have any competitors in Modern Pentathlon.

Keep It Clean, Jerk

Just in case you're bored with what NBC decides you can watch, you can watch some Olympic sports online...assuming your cable company has an agreement with NBC. If you don't, then you'll be envious of your neighbors who have DirecTV because when then enter that they have DirecTV they can watch anything they want. And all they have to do is say they have DirecTV!

I wish I had DirecTV. Then I could watch the 55kg women's snatch. That is something that we only get to see once every 4 years.

Heaven Can Wait, Too

Had I seen this billboard when I was in high school, I would have never become an engineer.

Occupado

On July 15, 2008 I received this email. I highlighted in red a couple of key phrases.

Dear US Airways customer,

As you can read in the attached letter signed by 12 airline CEOs, US Airways and other carriers in partnership with the Air Transport Association (ATA) are joining a broad coalition of consumer and industry groups calling upon Congress to take swift action to reign in irresponsible oil speculators. We advocate putting common sense limits on unchecked oil speculation by paper traders who are running up the price, but do not intend to take possession of the oil they trade.

While the reasons for surging oil prices are complex, common sense tells us that escalating prices are more than a supply and demand issue. In the long term, we must reduce our dependence on foreign oil. The airline industry fully supports maximum efforts to increase domestic production of oil, alternative energy sources and conservation. But there is also a short term problem which has significantly impacted the price of oil.

While this is not the only solution, it is perhaps the quickest way to stop or reduce the rising price of oil. Without immediate oil speculation reform by Congress there will likely be additional service level reductions and higher airfares. We urge you to contact your representatives in Congress immediately.

Thank you for your support and business during this unprecedented time for our industry.

Notice that they offer no shred of evidence except "common sense" that speculators were driving up the price of oil. They also explain that if I don't do something they will provide even sh*ttier service at a higher price.

Then, less than 2 weeks later on July 25, 2008, I received this email.

Dear US Airways customer,

Several weeks ago, we wrote to you about skyrocketing oil prices and the impact that those prices are having on your quality of life. We urged you to get involved, learn more about the problem and to contact your members of Congress.

You heard us and you acted. Millions of messages flooded Congress, resulting in dozens of bills being introduced to address the need for increased energy supplies, conservation and the problems caused by poorly regulated market speculation.

Unfortunately, action on these critical measures is stalled in Congress and we need to jump-start the process before Members leave in August for their summer recess.

Please contact Congress and tell them not to leave Washington without addressing and resolving the energy crisis. Let us work together to help this country begin the process of restoring the health of our economy.

Thank you for your support and business during this unprecedented time for our industry.

I assume the "quality of life" they are talking about is the sh*ttier service they would provide if nothing was done. They then play the fear card again that this problem must be "solved" now. And then they throw in the patriotism line towards the end.

In case you're not following, allow me to translate:

Dear US Airways (soon to be former) customer,

As you know, US Airways is one of the worst run businesses of all time. Only on rare occasions have we made a profit and our losses overall far exceed those meager profits. Meanwhile, our executives have been paid handsomely despite not knowing how to run a business.

We totally f*cked up by not hedging oil prices, like Southwest Airlines did, but instead we'll blame some faceless people, say speculators, who have the added benefit of being linked with 3 or 4 of the Deadly Sins which should appeal to our mostly non-thinking customers.

We're on the brink of bankruptcy due to our incompetence and although we, the executives, will still be payed plenty during that time and come through with flying colors, it won't look good on our resumes and we'll probably have to make drastic cut backs like ordering business cards in bone instead of the ones with watermarks.

We know that most of our customers are easily manipulated idiots. Even better, we live in a country where easily manipulated idiots choose the leaders of the country. On that basis, we ask you to write Congress. Tell them to invade Saudi Arabia and take their oil. If you do, we promise a return to the good old days of flying. Wink, Wink. If you don't, we'll replace the seats with "leaners", pipe in screaming baby sounds and ensure an "I only bath once-a-month" Frenchman is next to you on every flight.

Thank you (for being a moron)

Incredibly, even though Congress did nothing, oil prices have fallen dramatically. I'm sure the execs will take all the credit for that.

Start Track & Field Already!

Here are some Olympic notes:

Funny Interesting Names:
There's an Israel swimmer named Nimrod and a N. Korean soccer player named Kum Suk. I thought someone was named Feather Cox but it turned out they said Heather.

Sports we need to see less of:

• Handball - Basketball with a lacrosse net. I generally like the oddball sports but dodgeball would be more interesting to watch.
• Fencing - These people are amazingly quick. So quick you can not possibly see what is going on. Desperately needs constant slo-mo and fencing's version of the blue hockey puck.
• Badminton - You know a sport has a problem when the most interesting thing the announcer can say is "these raquets weigh only 3 ounces!"
• Swimming - Haven't I seen this event before? Yes. I have because they're all the same event! And big surprise, all won by the same guy!
• Gymnastics - Same as swimming but worse because they actually do repeat the exact same events. Also, I feel creepy watching 16 year-olds in skin tight outfits. Can't they wear sweats? Also, the announcers for gymnastics are the worst. Al Trautwig doesn't know what he is talking about and the other guy is just too biased. And also, men's gymnastics defeats the whole point of watching gymnastics.
  

Not a sport but medal ceremonies need to go, too. I already know who won I don't need to listen to their anthem.

And how is shooting a sport? It's a skill for sure but so is plumbing but that's not in the Olympics.

"Watch when he sets that elbow pipe and then, right there, major crack! That's a three tenths deduction. I don't know if he can make that up in plunging. What a shame."

Odds/Ends:
During the China vs. Canada women's soccer match, the poorly enunciating announcer proclaimed a "kick vagina" and when I turned to watch I realized it was a free "kick for China".

What A Pain In The Ass

You can read about the televangelist's wife and the trial that accuses her of assaulting a flight attendant on her first-class flight to Vail but, in case you don't, here's the money paragraph:

According to court documents, Brown says that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident involving Victoria Osteen and said her faith was affected.

Did You Mean Microspores?

Just in case you were worried that America wasn't doing enough to keep the obesity crown, worry no more.