If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Friday, August 15, 2008


On July 15, 2008 I received this email. I highlighted in red a couple of key phrases.

Dear US Airways customer,

As you can read in the attached letter signed by 12 airline CEOs, US Airways and other carriers in partnership with the Air Transport Association (ATA) are joining a broad coalition of consumer and industry groups calling upon Congress to take swift action to reign in irresponsible oil speculators. We advocate putting common sense limits on unchecked oil speculation by paper traders who are running up the price, but do not intend to take possession of the oil they trade.

While the reasons for surging oil prices are complex, common sense tells us that escalating prices are more than a supply and demand issue. In the long term, we must reduce our dependence on foreign oil. The airline industry fully supports maximum efforts to increase domestic production of oil, alternative energy sources and conservation. But there is also a short term problem which has significantly impacted the price of oil.

While this is not the only solution, it is perhaps the quickest way to stop or reduce the rising price of oil. Without immediate oil speculation reform by Congress there will likely be additional service level reductions and higher airfares. We urge you to contact your representatives in Congress immediately.

Thank you for your support and business during this unprecedented time for our industry.
Notice that they offer no shred of evidence except "common sense" that speculators were driving up the price of oil. They also explain that if I don't do something they will provide even sh*ttier service at a higher price.

Then, less than 2 weeks later on July 25, 2008, I received this email.
Dear US Airways customer,

Several weeks ago, we wrote to you about skyrocketing oil prices and the impact that those prices are having on your quality of life. We urged you to get involved, learn more about the problem and to contact your members of Congress.

You heard us and you acted. Millions of messages flooded Congress, resulting in dozens of bills being introduced to address the need for increased energy supplies, conservation and the problems caused by poorly regulated market speculation.

Unfortunately, action on these critical measures is stalled in Congress and we need to jump-start the process before Members leave in August for their summer recess.

Please contact Congress and tell them not to leave Washington without addressing and resolving the energy crisis. Let us work together to help this country begin the process of restoring the health of our economy.

Thank you for your support and business during this unprecedented time for our industry.
I assume the "quality of life" they are talking about is the sh*ttier service they would provide if nothing was done. They then play the fear card again that this problem must be "solved" now. And then they throw in the patriotism line towards the end.

In case you're not following, allow me to translate:
Dear US Airways (soon to be former) customer,

As you know, US Airways is one of the worst run businesses of all time. Only on rare occasions have we made a profit and our losses overall far exceed those meager profits. Meanwhile, our executives have been paid handsomely despite not knowing how to run a business.

We totally f*cked up by not hedging oil prices, like Southwest Airlines did, but instead we'll blame some faceless people, say speculators, who have the added benefit of being linked with 3 or 4 of the Deadly Sins which should appeal to our mostly non-thinking customers.

We're on the brink of bankruptcy due to our incompetence and although we, the executives, will still be payed plenty during that time and come through with flying colors, it won't look good on our resumes and we'll probably have to make drastic cut backs like ordering business cards in bone instead of the ones with watermarks.

We know that most of our customers are easily manipulated idiots. Even better, we live in a country where easily manipulated idiots choose the leaders of the country. On that basis, we ask you to write Congress. Tell them to invade Saudi Arabia and take their oil. If you do, we promise a return to the good old days of flying. Wink, Wink. If you don't, we'll replace the seats with "leaners", pipe in screaming baby sounds and ensure an "I only bath once-a-month" Frenchman is next to you on every flight.

Thank you (for being a moron)
Incredibly, even though Congress did nothing, oil prices have fallen dramatically. I'm sure the execs will take all the credit for that.

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