GOP hires Aunt Tom to question Kavanaugh accusers

Surprise, it's Anita Hill!

Government report: By 2025, 25% of US electricity will come from spin classes

They will also be responsible for 20% of methane emissions.

Kavanaugh complains he couldn't have sexually assaulted anyone in high school because he used to be a woman

...and women only molest their students.

Judge Kavanaugh, please show us on this doll the places you are not accused of assaulting women

Tough question

McConnell:Kavanaugh sexually molested me last week... but vote must go forward

If you plow, you must vote now!

Rosenstien to be fired, replaced by Guilderstern

C'mon, that is funny.

Pope makes Kavanaugh honorary bishop

... for behavior becoming.

More seriously, the question is whether an allegation of attempted rape of 35+ years ago should now preclude him from the job of Supreme Court Justice.
Yes, it does.
Because, had the allegation been made 35 years ago, he would never have even been considered for Appellate Court judge.

Ted Cruz releases new ad featuring both people who like him

And neither are his wife.

In first test of Presidential Emergency SMS, Trump will send dick pic

On Thursday ... it's coming.

Trump's dentures slip, accidentally imposes tariffs on $200B of "shiny" products

C'mon Onion, call me already!

Only on birthdays

I'm going to take a hard pass on the weird Japanese porn cake.

Area woman dumps Russian boyfriend, Alexy, for incompatibility with her tech devices

Onion-y headlines are back!

In Russia, bar walks into you

Let's take a break from my Onion-y headlines for a moment.

In July my GF and and I went on a cruise that left from and returned to Southampton. Upon our return to Southampton, we rented a car and drove to Stonehenge.

As you can see, this took us straight through Salisbury. We did not stop in Salisbury.

After visiting Stonehenge, we were hungry. We had planned to get fish & chips (it's England!) and I had scouted out a few places. We decided on Mitchell's Chippy.

First, let me say, this place was great. It is a real neighborhood place. Everything made burn-your-mouth fresh.
Second, we did not realize at the time that Salisbury was were the Novichok poisonings had occurred.
Third, we ARE tourists and we did not even know that there was a "famous cathedral" in Salisbury.

Trump: Dems moved Puerto Rico into hurricane's path

I'll get bored of this in a few more days.

New Apple Watch automatically orders you a Newer Apple Watch

Another Onion-type headline.

Erdogan names self as top adviser

Thought I'd try my hand at writing Onion-type headlines.

Productivity falls due to too many "moments of silence" being observed

If you define news as something you didn't know before, then, by definition, anniversaries are never news.

Trump in hot water due to Pecker

PSA - Do not Google the phrase "pecker flips".

Get it on with the bus

A succubus is a female demon that fucks sleeping men.
An incubus is a male demon that fucks sleeping women.
A Trumpubus is a presidential demon that fucks a sleeping public.

Trump calls for new Red, White and Blue scheme for Air Force One

Slavery used to be a law, too.

We were just following orders.
-CBP agent
or
-Nazi guard

Cover that asshole

I'm certainly no fan of our President. But what I really don't understand is the way the media covers him. Depending on the network, he's either the biggest asshole ever or the second coming.

I get why Fox covers him the way they do as they clearly care about nothing else except eyeballs/ads. Any AI trying to optimize either of those things would end up with something greatly resembling Fox News.

CNN (and to a lesser extent MSNBC) try harder to pass themselves off as "news". But they insist on covering every Trump tweet. Live coverage of almost anything he says (with the more recent exception of not covering his campaign rallies as much). Droning on and on about how this is not normal or that is not normal. If it's not normal, why do you insist on covering him as if he was normal?

If the President was a devout nudist (and, oh please do not take that as a suggestion) and the White House was a "no clothes" zone, would they cover anything live and in its full glory? Would they make their WH reporters go nude or would they hire nudists to be WH reporters? Would they pixelate and obfuscate? Covering Trump really isn't that different than covering a nudist. Figure out a way to get the news that fits with your channel's position on nudity (or outrageousness) and stop focusing on the nudity (or outrageousness) which stopped being news well over a year ago.

Yu v. Lee

I think the first priority of discussion of denuclearization of North Korea should be this pronouncement:

dee-NOOK-lee-er-iz-ay-shun not dee-NOOK-yu-ler-iz-ay-shun

I have a post for women only

Facebook wants you to send them nude pics of yourself, ostensibly so it can prevent anyone else from uploading pics of you. This is a great idea.

I only wish I had thought of it when I was 12 years old.

In trust we dog

IANAL (I wonder if Publix would put that on a cake?)

Yesterday SCOTUS decided 5-4 that employers can enforce clauses that bar class-action suits against them. I can't decide which is more ridiculous: the (conservative) headlines that this is great for worker freedom or the (liberal) headlines that this will inevitably lead to small scale wage theft by every employer in the nation. If you believe either of these, you should probably look up the word "delusional".

I have previously solved problems here with forms or something I vaguely remember but am too lazy to look up and link to. Here I will solve the (liberal) headline problem:
Instead of a class-action, all employees should assign their losses to a trust. The trust will then sue the employer. Just like with a class action, the damage award will be split 30% to the lawyers and $2.51 to each trust member.

You're welcome.

Little boys with blue balls

When it comes to holding on to Congress, it seems like the Republicans have their finger in the dyke...without her permission, of course.

Estoy llegando, a ser delgada

I was practicing my Spanish on Duolingo when I got this ad:

Like Jesus, I'm not so sure what it is about (?) but maybe it is about The Loophole (NSFW).  Where is that arrow pointing (make baby here?). Is it the masturbation diet? A quick search (my search history is something nobody should look at) shows semen contains 5-25 calories. So, that bag of chips (150 cal) I just ate is going to take a minimum of 6 (wanks) x 3 minutes/wank + 5 x 20 minutes refractory period between wanks =~ 2 hours. And I am no longer 14 years old so maybe 2.5 hours.
And what the hell are the dots and why is one on the heel of your foot. Wait, are there 6 dots? Oh, I get it now.

Self(!) driving cars are the problem?

Some NSFW language!

Let's just count assholes

I don't know what will happen with all the lawsuits but I will not answer any census questions about my citizenship. You shouldn't either.

Prostitution is not a crime if you use the Trump hole

I, _________, the undersigned ("pro"), hereby agree not to talk, write, use ASL, or any other means to disclose to anyone or anything any details of my relationship (whether it be the usual 3-13 minutes or any other length of time) with ___________, the other undersigned ("John"). For this nondisclosure "John" will give "pro" the sum of $____.  This sum is exchanged solely for nondisclosure purposes and NOT for performance of any "acts" taking place during relationship, no matter how brief.

Ne kontrollojmë botën

Hollywood, international banking and the weather? And people are upset that this is offensive to Jews. Let me tell, what is offensive to Jews (or any other people) is that someone could believe this shit. This is Michele Bachmann-level stupidity.

If you want to really know who runs things in this world; it's the Albanians! They started by taking over the pizzerias in NYC (Google it!). And if you want to control the world, you have to control America. And to control America you start with pizza and NYC.

#AGAIN!

Imagine a cause so great that it could get tens of thousands of high school students to skip some classes.

Yeah. That's pretty much anything.

Ask Kudlow

I've created the Larry Kudlow Economic Oracle. Simply ask any economic question then scroll down for the Oracle's answer.











































Free market capitalism!
--------------------------------------------------------
If you don't like that oracle, I have another. The Kudlow-based Nuanced Economic Oracle. Ask any economic question and then scroll down for the nuanced answer.











































Free market capitalism, probably.

They must be late for their job at Expedia

It now takes something this bad for me to bother uploading a video. To be fair, if there was a second person in the car, the driver was probably too distracted by the other person telling them that they illegally drove around the cones to see the red light he was running. (Update: watching the video, I don't see a second person.)

On we?

BREAKING NEWS: Barron Trump has resigned as the son of President.

UPDATE: There was a slight miscommunication in the last story. In actuality Barron Trump is resigned to being the son of the President. We regret the ennui.

Expedia! For Trump voters only!

Background: someone used my email address to open an Expedia account (I assume they did not use their own email because they have already been through the following).

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Subject:            Other:Account Settings        
Sent:            Feb 15, 2018 7:15:17 AM        

            Name: Kristy *** 
Message: I am not Kristy ***. I do not know anyone with that name. I do not know how you allow people to create accounts without proving their email address is theirs. Please close this account and STOP EMAILING ME!  

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Expedia customer,
Thank you for contacting us. We will do our best to respond to your inquiry within 24 hours.
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Dear Kristy, 

We understand how important for you to close your account.

For your reference, please be aware that if you have accounts on multiple Expedia websites with the same email address these accounts will also be closed. Also, as a result of closing your account, you will lose any Expedia + points, associated status and benefits available in these accounts. 

In addition, any itineraries without reservations or ticket purchases with this account will be deleted. You would not be able to sign in or access any information associated with this account, but you can open a new account at any time. 
If you wish to proceed with this request, please email us back with your confirmation. 

Your business means a lot to Expedia. 


Shiella 
Expedia Customer Service Team 


-----------------------------------------------------------------



Subject:             Re: Other:Account Settings - Case ID : [REQ:M-***]          

Thank you for not even reading my email. Now please close this account! 



-----------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Customer, 

We apologize for the confusion and allow us to provide you information on how to close your account. 

In order for us to continue to permanently delete this account, we recommend that your reply to this email with your approval on deleting your account.    

Please be reminded that, account closure is permanent and cannot be reinstated. In addition, once you have closed your Expedia account, any itineraries without reservations or ticket purchases with this account will be deleted. You will no longer be able to sign in or access any information associated with this account, including your Expedia Rewards. 

We are always willing to assist you whenever you need Expedia again and we hope this information would help to resolve your concern. 


Cross 
Expedia Customer Service Team 

What about his Goppelganger

Mussolini was known as "il duce" and is it only for that our dear leader get a similar Italian nickname during for him. Therefore, I declare that from hence forward Trump shall be know as "la doccia". Congratulations!

Second place went to "Your/His assHoliness".

First Amendment

A while ago I predicted Paul Ryan would be the next President. I no longer think that will be the case. I still think the Speaker of the House will be our next President but I no longer believe that will be Ryan.

As the Mueller indictments wash in, it will certainly be interesting to see if Nancy Pelosi can keep her Democratic leadership position.

Where are those centrifuges I ordered?

Who are the most important people in the World? The ones most in need of protection?

If you answered "the children" then you are absolutely wrong. It's the politicians! How can we we hope to have any sort of life without them? We can't!

Trump and others propose arming teachers to prevent another shooting atrocity in schools but what about Congress? Or the White House? Or Mar-a-Lago? These places bar gunsbeing brought in by the public and that is dangerous and just asking for disaster. We need to immediately lift this gun ban and ensure everyone entering these places is armed to the teeth. It is the only way prevent another tragedy.

All my love,
Wayne La Pierre

Thought, no prayer required

This time feels different. (4/20/1999)
No, this time feels different. (4/16/2007)
No, this time really feels different. (7/20/2012)
No, wait, this time really feels different. (12/14/2012)
No, seriously, wait, this time really feels different. (6/12/2016)
No, totally seriously, wait, this time really feels different. (10/1/2017)

That's enough. Now, I should explain why this time will be different, except it won't. Best case: kids march on Washington. Some hollow law gets passed. Nothing measurable results. Apparently this makes me a defeatist and thus the cause for the problems. Sorry but no.

People who think a few marches will do anything are the problem. People who do not understand politics and our country are the problem. You want to actually do something? Here are two concrete plans that would go in that direction.

1) Take over the NRA. The NRA only has about 5 million members. Membership is $40. So, find a few million people who feel strongly enough to spend $40 on the cause. Vote out the NRA leadership.

2) Bribery and blackmail are theoretically illegal in our country but if a group says to a Representative, "vote this way or we will vote you out) that's fine! Pick some jackass that you find abhorrently supportive of gun rights, say Jim Jordan (actually I just assume he's a big gun supporter, I do not assume he is a jackass). Have a huge number of democrats vote in the Republican primary and out goes Jordan. Then start the #yourenext campaign. There are plenty of districts where this would work.

Or continue with the plan that seems to be working great.