How To Be A Heretic In 3 Easy Steps

Friend: I was touched by Jesus.
Me: Please show us on this doll where, exactly, he touched you.

Friend: Meat is not allowed on Fridays. Only fish.
Me: What about whale meat? That's not a fish.
Friend: Well...
Me: How about a platypus? Nobody knows what they are.

Pick just about any random post for step 3.

Yes Virginia, That Is A Potato

This is the most horrific thing I've read in a long time.

[...]a Cornell University horticulturist thinks he has the answer: Get the flowers a little tipsy with some hard liquor.

Time to call a spade a spade. This guy should change his title to whore-ticulturist. I've heard plenty of stories about what goes on up at Cornell after a little excess alcohol but this is the worst. What is he going to do with these plants after getting them all liquored up? Clearly, he will be deflowering them. And some of these plants are not even a year old! It makes me so sick, I want to switch to strict carnivorism.

Worse, alcohol is just a gateway drug. Next will be GBH, the date palm rape drug and who knows what else (if you do, send them in, I'm out of ideas).

Every day in America, how many vegetables are used for sexual purposes without their consent? The numbers, as well as the shapes and sizes, would astound you! I call for a Constitutional Amendment prohibiting people from giving drugs or taking sexual advantage of plants including fruits and vegetables. I would however make an exception for Michael Schiavo.*

* - Uhm, let me apologize in advance for this tasteless joke.

Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons!

I've got nothing to add to this.

Authorities said the shooting victim, Aristotle Garcia, got into a fight with a man who is dating his ex-girlfriend. The argument, over whether the woman let their 5-year-old daughter drink beer, escalated and drew in two other people -- Jazz Rivas and Juan Velazquez, said Police Lt. Cheryl C. Claprood.

When the baby shower's hostess tried to intervene, Rivas began hitting some of the guests, including the 22-year-old mother-to-be, with a large stick, she said.

Tantric Ice Cream

It's stuff like this that almost makes me believe there is a God and He lives inside a cow's udder.

Jay's Tantric Chocolate Ice Cream

• 3 cups cream (not heavy cream)
• 3/4 cups sugar
• 1/4 cup cocoa
• 4 oz. bittersweet chocolate
• 4 egg yolks
• 1 tsp. vanilla

Start heating the cream over medium heat. Sift in 1/2 cup sugar + cocoa. Whisk until disolved. Add chocolate (it's easier if it's chopped up) and stir until melted. Whisk egg yolks and remaining 1/4 cup sugar until well mixed (about 1 minute). Whisk in a cup of cream mix into egg mix (if you don't whisk you'll make scrambled eggs) then whisk all this back into cream mix. Heat to 180 degrees F while mixing fairly often. Remove from heat and chill to at least room temp (this is the tantric part considering how long you have to wait). If you're really fanatical, run it through a sieve before it gets cool. Then churn and eat...and thank me later.

Update: Whoops! Don't forget to add the vanilla. Do that after the heating.

(Not Tom) Delayed

I admit much ignorance over this Lent thing. After reading cluefairy's comment about how her friend gave up chocolate, it reminded me of last year (or was it two years ago?) when my friend did the same. The conversation went something like this:

Me: You gave up chocolate for Lent???
Friend: Yes.
Me: Why didn't you give up something like pig snouts. That would be easier.
Friend: You're supposed to give up something important to you.

Do you know how sometimes someone says something to you and 3 seconds, or a few minutes or, even, hours later you think of the response you should have given them? Well, I just set a new record of a year (or two) delay. What I should have said was:

Me: Your religion seems important to you.

Play Ball!

I saw both of these news articles today and had to wonder if they had any connection.

U.S. researchers said on Saturday they had transformed immature cells from men's testicles into powerful stem cells[...]

and

[three men] admitted performing at least eight surgeries, including castrations and testicle replacements, on six consenting clients over the past year. None of the three is licensed to practice medicine[...]

Whoa Man

Marriage in the United States of America shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman.

These words are part of at least some of the proposed Amendments to the U.S. Constitution. This would be the second Amendment to actually take rights away from the people (Amendment 18, Prohibition, being the other). This would be on top of DOMA which prevents the federal government from recognizing marriage except between "one man and one woman". Here's the problem. What makes a person a man or a woman?

See if you can answer these questions:

• What if a person has a sex change operation? Does this change the sex of the person they can marry? If so, what if they were married pre-op? Would that marriage now be nullified? What if both spouses had operations? Instead of having the operation on purpose, what if was done out of medical necessity or industrial accident?
  
• Here's a list of all kinds of anomalous sexual morphologies. Which ones count as men and which ones as women? Particularly note cases 3-8 and 13-16.

The only thing worse than an ignorant person is the politician that panders to them.