Next Time, She'll Re-Fuse To Leave

It's tough for a humor blog to compete with the news these days. Sigh. Enough to drive a man to drink. Here's my latest recipe:

Mix one part very powerful whiner with one or two (maybe three) parts of 22 year old Sprite. Add some wife bitters and serve to public. I call this cock tale an Eliot Spritzer.

No? OK, how about a news story about a woman who would drive Chef crazy.

A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom

The police officer in charge of the "woman stuck to toilet seat" investigation? Officer Mr. Whipple!

They had conversations and had an otherwise normal relationship -- except it all happened in the bathroom.

[Those of you that know me, insert the joke you know I would make here.]

When asked why he hadn't reported the situation for two years, her boyfriend, Kory McFarren said, "Don't worry, be happy!"

From the movie (I swear) Cocktail

Here's a little song I wrote
You might sing it note-for-note
Don't worry, be happy
If you're an elected official
You're sex life getting a little dull
Don't worry, be happy
Everyday you gotta wear a suit
Stay away from the prostitute
Don't worry, be happy
Girlfriend stuck to a toilet seat
Freezer full of parakeets
Don't worry, be happy

Or Just Take A Fukitol

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I have no idea who to credit with writing this but I grateful to amoose for sending it to me.

This Blog Is Number 11?

Here's a list of the 10 Worst Products for Men Ever Created. I don't know how Hair in a Can can compete with the Recto Rotor or Radioactive Jockstrap but you can decide for yourself.

What's The Deeley?

There are only one or three things less manly to have in your throat when you die than fairy cakes.

Surely Adam will be this year's Darwin Award winner.

Oh, You're So Seeing And Hearing

This can be a bit loud so mute first if you're at work. (Yes, it's a .nl site and no, it's not p*rn.)

Maybe you don't think that's very loud, but I do. I am very easy-of-hearing. So, I was dismayed to find out that a certain group of individuals is trying to create more noise in the world.

And if we're going to make cars noisy just for the blind, why not force them all to be fluorescent hunter's orange so deaf people (and deer, too) can see them easier?

Perhaps we could have all cars shoot marshmallows in front of them at all times in order to warn those who are deaf and blind of imminent danger. We could fortify the marshmallows with vitamins and then homeless people would clean them up for a nutritious meal. The ones they miss would increase traction on the roads so you can stop quickly when that blind person jumps in front of you because he didn't hear you coming.

These Aren't The Posts You're Looking For

What is the difference between advertising and that old Jedi mind trick?

Not much. Assuming that the advertisers would not continue to spend money unless they were getting a return on it, I have to assume there are plenty of weak-minded individuals that believe there's a once-a-day pill for natural male enhancement, these women (mute first if at work) are selling something other than their breasts and people have stopped killing people in Newark because of a billboard.

But now that Newark has gone 33 days without a murder, they're taking the billboard down.

The police director credits all kinds of things that have nothing to do with it (like sharing information with other law enforcement agencies) but it's more likely a combination of statistical anomaly and poor murderering weather.

Newark weekend forecast:
Cold with a little rain late Sunday. Chance of murder: 10%

Long term outlook:
Stupid infomercials continue indefinitely. Murderless streak ends. Billboard goes back up and people are nonplussed to find it has no effect.

Shortz Changed

A few weeks ago I got my latest (and I'm pretty sure last) rejection from the NYTimes. So, if you aren't hung up on homophones (a homophonophile) you can grab the puzzle here.

You'll need the Across Lite software, if you don't already have it.