What You've Been Waiting For

Half this post was supposed to be my "piece de resistance" but despite quite an effort, that didn't work out.

The other half is my farewell as this will be my last post...at least for quite a while.

It's been fun.

Thank you and good night.

This Is Not Actually A Post

Inspired by Indexed.

But I Want An Oompa Loompa Nowwwww

Here's a teaser. In the next week or two, there will be a post here that entertain some, irk some and really piss some people off.

Unlike most of my posts, this one needs extra attention to get just right.

Those Who Can't Do, Link

If you like "witty and clever" check out the Indexed blog. I only browsed through a few but I liked this one, this one and this one, all for different reasons.

I will point out that I do (or have) pointed to a total of 5 other blogs. Of those, 3 are currently defunct or on hiatus (NY Hack, Cluefairy and Cereal Serial [I'm not sure if that one counts]). If you're the superstitious type then you might try to throw some salt in your wounds or stick a fork in your rear or whatever you think might counteract this curse.

How Many More Pets Need To Die To Get This Off The Front Page?

Here's a quick update on the top news stories today:

There were warning signs in the Virginia Tech shootings. Also, the "Beautiful, clever [and] talented" victims were honored. No word on the other victims. And, importantly, it is reported that the killer was "angry with rich kids" so if you're a kid, give away your money or grow up quickly. If you're a parent of a rich kid you can possibly save your child's life by reducing their allowance.

In the non-news section, some more people were killed in various places but they weren't American college students so who cares.

The only other important news story is:
If you're having trouble with your BlackBerry, you're not alone. The problem is limited to only those customers in the Western Hemisphere. If you rely on your BlackBerry for your livelihood, this situation is affectionately known as a RIM Job.

virginia tech

Are You Atwitter Or Just A Twit?

The following is a dramatization. Any similarity to any persons or companies, living, dead or bankrupt is purely coincidental.

Take a company. Maybe it's not been doing so great for a few years. They bring in a new CEO. The CEO needs to: actually fix things and/or appear hip and cool. The latter is much easier (except for say, Al Gore) and is the usual path. And if you want to be hip and cool today (well, yesterday) you start a blog.

Rule #1 of a blog. A blog that isn't updated at least 2 or 3 times a week dies. Even at 2 or 3 times a week, the owner is often berated for a lack of posts. Can a CEO keep up? I mean, they need to appear to be working hard. Don't they have something more important than updating their blog every couple of days?

Of course they do. So they post something in, say, December and then don't post again until April. Their assistant sends out an e-mail to everyone in the company to let them know there's a new post and to check their CEO's blog daily for updates. This is inefficiency honed to a perfect dullness.

Next stop: Twitter.

CEO third cup of joe, man this meeting is the sux0r
CEO don't these customers ever SHUT UP!
CEO "oooooh, I'm from wall street. You get paid too much." boo hoo
CEO just scheduled a "rally the troops" meeting in Beijing at the same time as the Olympics. What a coincidence!

When I'm In Bed All Weekend Sick, This Is The Kind Of Post You Get

Who can turn their morning drive to work into entertainment for several quarter dozen people?

Who can turn the world on with their smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Who can take a sunrise...Okay, enough of that.

My simple mission this morning, stop at the post office on the way to work to mail my taxes and a package. I arrived at the P.O. at 7:57, 3 minutes before opening. As I parked, three people got out of their cars and got in front of me in line waiting at the door.

The post office opened just after 8 with one counter worker. (What do you call these people? In a bank, they're tellers. Should we call them penns?) Customer #1 walks up to the counter with a UPS envelope. And so it begins.

After several minutes of discussion, the penn has finally convinced this woman that she can send whatever she is sending ina USPS envelope for $14.40 overnight. He hands her one of the overnight labels and sends her away to fill it out.

It turns out the second and third people on line are together. I can't quite figure out what the guy wants. At first I thought he was applying for a job but it turns out he needs a passport. "Passports don't open until 9:30," says the penn. Since the first woman is still busy filling out her form I take a step forward, ready to mail off my stuff.

Not...so...fast. First, the penn double checks with someone in the back about the passport times. He does this the same way a twelve-year-old does when asked to tell his dad it's time for dinner. "DAAAAAD! TIME FOR DINNERRRRRRR!" "9:30," is the shouted reply. The penn then helpfully lists every P.O. in the area and whether or not they do passports. He explains that one branch does them from 4 to 5 but they don't want anyone doing them after 4:30. He explains that he doesn't know any of the other P.O. passport operating times. He explains that this is already a strange day. He explains that it isn't even a full moon. He explains that he's not even sure if it's a full moon or not. He explains long enough for the first woman to finish with her paperwork and get back in front of me.

At first, he told the first woman her envelope would arrive tomorrow by 3pm. The woman said that would be fine. Now the computer is saying the envelope will arrive by noon tomorrow. The penn is concerned. The woman says that noon is fine but the penn takes no notice. I can already see myself explaining to the tax authorities that my taxes were late because I was stuck in line at the post office for 9 nine days.

Just when all hope is lost, it is my turn. This will be qick as I know exactly what I want to do.

me: I want to send this Cetified and this First Class I say.
penn: Certified'll cost you $2.40 plus the postage whatever that comes out as.
me: OK, that's fine.
penn: You got a computer?
me: Wha? Uh, yeah.
penn (turning the Certified form towards me): If you type this here number in at our website, usps.com, it'll tell you when the letter was delivered.
me: OK, great.
penn: You don't want no Return Reciept?
me: No, just Certified is fine.
penn: Ok, then, how about this one [picking up the package]. Certified also?
me: No, just first class.
penn. Anything in here breakable?
me: It's just a stuffed animal.
penn [after typing on the computer]: First Class'll probably get it there Thursday. For a dollar fifty more, it'll probably get there Wednesday.
me: Probably Thursday is probably fine.
penn: Alrighty. Any stamps?
me: No stamps, thanks.
penn: Alright, anything else?
me: No, that's it. [please, please, please, let that be it.]
penn: That'll be $5.82.
(I hand him $6.)
penn: Eighteen cents is your change. And here's your receipt. Thank you. You have a nice day.
me: Thanks, you too.

Time: 8:16.

I go to pull out of the parking lot but the nearby traffic light just switched and I have to wait a minute for things to clear. I then miss the light. I also just miss the next light. After it turns green, I head across the bridge to DING, DING, DING, DING. It's a train! Yeah! I can't help but laugh.

Can You Beat My Monkey?

The new phone book is here! The new phone book is here!

Actually, it's not that exciting. It's the new hurricane prediction from CSU. William Gray (noted hurricane predicter) is predicting nine, yes NINE, hurricanes this season.

Much of the news coverage of this "event" has changed this slightly, announcing there will be nine hurricanes this season. Even better is when they imply that the US will be hit with nine hurricanes this season. Nothing better than a little FUD to get those ratings up.

If you are wondering how accurate these forecasts are (as I did) the AP has provided a helpful graph showing that over the last 6 years, the forecasts are basically useless. Why does the news even cover this guy? How much worse do his forecasts have to get for before he is ignored by the media? A monkey could do better.

And to prove it, I took my Superfly Screaming Woot Monkey and shot him up my stairs. He landed on the 10th stair and so clearly:

My monkey predicts 10 hurricanes this season.

How many years does my monkey have to beat Mr. Gray before the media will cover my monkey?

My monkey predicts...TEN YEARS!

What Is The Airspeed Velocity Of An Unladen Swallow?

To increase the security of some account I have, I will now have to answer a security question from either Group A, B or C. The good news is, I get to pick the question. The bad news is, I can't or don't want to remember the answer to these questions. Let's take a look.

Group A:Who remembers the name of their first grade teacher?
Who wants to remember where their wedding reception was?
Thirty years ago, there were only four or five pet names. That's not secure.
Like I only have one hobby?
My favorite teacher was my first grade teacher and I don't even remember her name!
Highest mountain? That will (hopefully) change but even if it didn't I have no idea what was the highest.
Favorites change more often than highest mountain tops.

Group B:Favorite restaurant would be Hali'imaile General Store but I just spent ten minutes Googling to figure out how to spell it.
Most unusual job? I'd have to say ice and Altoids.
If you grew up in Florida, your favorite place was Disney.
What if I'm the youngest?
Anything that started with a silent G.
Who am I? Silent Gbob?
Who makes these stupid questions up?

Group C:Curse words are not accepted.
The guy who invented curse words.
Shouldn't that be "Who"?
Bleached general purpose.
Yeah, yeah. The one where my favorite teacher, what's-her-name, taught. Oooh, it's right on the tip of my tongue.
Do people older than 20 have favorite songs?
Any place that sells Altoids and ice.