When I'm In Bed All Weekend Sick, This Is The Kind Of Post You Get

Who can turn their morning drive to work into entertainment for several quarter dozen people?

Who can turn the world on with their smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Who can take a sunrise...Okay, enough of that.

My simple mission this morning, stop at the post office on the way to work to mail my taxes and a package. I arrived at the P.O. at 7:57, 3 minutes before opening. As I parked, three people got out of their cars and got in front of me in line waiting at the door.

The post office opened just after 8 with one counter worker. (What do you call these people? In a bank, they're tellers. Should we call them penns?) Customer #1 walks up to the counter with a UPS envelope. And so it begins.

After several minutes of discussion, the penn has finally convinced this woman that she can send whatever she is sending ina USPS envelope for $14.40 overnight. He hands her one of the overnight labels and sends her away to fill it out.

It turns out the second and third people on line are together. I can't quite figure out what the guy wants. At first I thought he was applying for a job but it turns out he needs a passport. "Passports don't open until 9:30," says the penn. Since the first woman is still busy filling out her form I take a step forward, ready to mail off my stuff.

Not...so...fast. First, the penn double checks with someone in the back about the passport times. He does this the same way a twelve-year-old does when asked to tell his dad it's time for dinner. "DAAAAAD! TIME FOR DINNERRRRRRR!" "9:30," is the shouted reply. The penn then helpfully lists every P.O. in the area and whether or not they do passports. He explains that one branch does them from 4 to 5 but they don't want anyone doing them after 4:30. He explains that he doesn't know any of the other P.O. passport operating times. He explains that this is already a strange day. He explains that it isn't even a full moon. He explains that he's not even sure if it's a full moon or not. He explains long enough for the first woman to finish with her paperwork and get back in front of me.

At first, he told the first woman her envelope would arrive tomorrow by 3pm. The woman said that would be fine. Now the computer is saying the envelope will arrive by noon tomorrow. The penn is concerned. The woman says that noon is fine but the penn takes no notice. I can already see myself explaining to the tax authorities that my taxes were late because I was stuck in line at the post office for 9 nine days.

Just when all hope is lost, it is my turn. This will be qick as I know exactly what I want to do.

me: I want to send this Cetified and this First Class I say.
penn: Certified'll cost you $2.40 plus the postage whatever that comes out as.
me: OK, that's fine.
penn: You got a computer?
me: Wha? Uh, yeah.
penn (turning the Certified form towards me): If you type this here number in at our website, usps.com, it'll tell you when the letter was delivered.
me: OK, great.
penn: You don't want no Return Reciept?
me: No, just Certified is fine.
penn: Ok, then, how about this one [picking up the package]. Certified also?
me: No, just first class.
penn. Anything in here breakable?
me: It's just a stuffed animal.
penn [after typing on the computer]: First Class'll probably get it there Thursday. For a dollar fifty more, it'll probably get there Wednesday.
me: Probably Thursday is probably fine.
penn: Alrighty. Any stamps?
me: No stamps, thanks.
penn: Alright, anything else?
me: No, that's it. [please, please, please, let that be it.]
penn: That'll be $5.82.
(I hand him $6.)
penn: Eighteen cents is your change. And here's your receipt. Thank you. You have a nice day.
me: Thanks, you too.

Time: 8:16.

I go to pull out of the parking lot but the nearby traffic light just switched and I have to wait a minute for things to clear. I then miss the light. I also just miss the next light. After it turns green, I head across the bridge to DING, DING, DING, DING. It's a train! Yeah! I can't help but laugh.