These Aren't The Posts You're Looking For

What is the difference between advertising and that old Jedi mind trick?

Not much. Assuming that the advertisers would not continue to spend money unless they were getting a return on it, I have to assume there are plenty of weak-minded individuals that believe there's a once-a-day pill for natural male enhancement, these women (mute first if at work) are selling something other than their breasts and people have stopped killing people in Newark because of a billboard.

But now that Newark has gone 33 days without a murder, they're taking the billboard down.

The police director credits all kinds of things that have nothing to do with it (like sharing information with other law enforcement agencies) but it's more likely a combination of statistical anomaly and poor murderering weather.

Newark weekend forecast:
Cold with a little rain late Sunday. Chance of murder: 10%

Long term outlook:
Stupid infomercials continue indefinitely. Murderless streak ends. Billboard goes back up and people are nonplussed to find it has no effect.

Shortz Changed

A few weeks ago I got my latest (and I'm pretty sure last) rejection from the NYTimes. So, if you aren't hung up on homophones (a homophonophile) you can grab the puzzle here.

You'll need the Across Lite software, if you don't already have it.

This Would So Much Funnier If Colin Powell Was the Head Of The CIA

How many times did the CIA use waterboarding on terrorist suspects? Let's ask Mr. Hayden Owl.

Hayden-Owl: Wu-hun. Too-hoo. Threeeee.

Hayden-Owl: Three.

Yeah, and you've never masturbated and your sh*t don't stink.

What Is The Sound Of One Hand Chapping?

I was in The City on Saturday looking at apartments. One was in particularly unkempt condition. The agent showing it noted "you can tell a single guy lives here." I was in the bedroom when she said this and my eyes suddenly zeroed on on something.

The hand lotion on the nightstand.

For all those times a single guy wakes in the middle of the night because of spontaneous chapping.

Good thing I didn't bring my UV light. I think I'll pass on that place.

SuckerBowl

One decent commercial so far. The one for Pepsi with the deaf people.

What's with the voting crap? Is that some kind of play on "Patriots"?

Oh, even more, now they're reciting the Declaration and chastising me for not knowing it! If it was important, someone would have put it to music and played it on TV on Saturday mornings.

Wait! The best part is they followed the D of I very closely with a tourism ad for Canada!

Hey! You wanna get high? Just take some drugs from your parents medicine cabinet!

There can be only ONE American Idol! Or seven. But who's counting?

Tom! Show us you t*ts!

Stewie vs. Underdog, that was decent.

"A lot of sweat goes into every bottle." Nice.

A man attaches jumper cables to his nipples. At the bottom of the screen it says "Do Not Attempt". Please send pics if you ignore the warning.

Touchdown by Not The Patriots! I want to trademark "Biggest Choke Ever!"

And that's everything you need to know about Bill Bellyache. Not even on the field for the end of the game. Weanie.

Or We Could All Be Phalangerers

You can divide most people in this country into two groups. One thinks that the Democrats or Republicans do a good job of representing their views and the other thinks WTF is wrong with the people in the first group.

For these latter people, I was going to start a Party, not to represent your political views but, instead, to represent your view on politics. Unfortunately, the name I wanted is already used by a Party in Lebanon and I didn't want to cause any confusion.

The name would have been the Phalange Party and we could have all be Phalangists (not to be confused with philangophiles).

It's too bad because there are a huge number of people that are interested. When I tried flashing them the Party Symbol, they usually flashed it right back in solidarity.

Oui Oui Oui, All De Way Ome

Here's good news: all my toenails are healthily attached! All my fingernails, too. That makes me 19-1 for the week. Fortunately for me I normally have 20 nail-endowed phalanges. If the toe in the previous Toe Postie had been depigitated because he had stupidly stayed home while the others went to market or had roast beef, then I could find myself right in the middle of a 19-0 fight.

Apparently, a guy trademarked "19-0 The Perfect Season" about 10 years ago when the Denver Broncos were the greatest football team ever. Now, the Patriots are fighting for it.

The New York Post yesterday mocked the Patriots’ attempt to trademark “19-0” and “19-0 The Perfect Season” and “Perfect Season,” and the tabloid even applied for its own trademark - “18-1” - in anticipation of a Giants victory.

I pretty much stopped watching the NFL last year after they started showing some games on the NFL Network, exclusively. That works in baseball because there are so many games, nobody cares about any of them. If you are just a general "baseball fan" there's always a game to waste your time on. Same holds with the NBA and NHL (although nobody seems to watch any of those games). But last year, the NFL whipped out its uber-schlong and smacked all its fans in the face with it and most guys said, "Thank you sir. May I have another?" or "Please, sir, could I have some more?"

But I digress.

“My main concern is that I don’t want the Patriots to jinx themselves,” said New York attorney Craig Mende, a Lexington native and Pats fan.

When you pick an attorney, do prefer those that do, or do not, believe in jinxes?