James C. Dobson, I Need Your Help!

It is happening. Right in front of your eyes. An institution is being besmirched. An institution as old as time itself, 5000 years, is being sullied. An institution recognized in the Bible by God Himself. An institution that you have taken for granted for all these years that is now being given away by activist judges.

Dear readers, those of you who are part of this great institution and those who hope to be in the future, I urge you to contact your Senators and Representatives and ask them to support my

Proposed Federal Divorce Amendment

1. Divorce in the United States shall consist only of the dissolution of a union of a man and a woman.
2. Neither this Constitution, nor the constitution of any State, shall be construed to require that divorce or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon any dissolution of a union other than the dissolution of a union of a man and a woman.

Next topic: Gays are allowed to drive cars! Is there no end to these "special rights"?

White As A Fence Post

Is it racist to refer to a person's skin color? This Sneeze post got me thinking about it.

For example, if someone referred to me as "Heighty Whitey" how should I take that? Does it matter what color the person is that says it?

Respect For Lawyers Reaches New High

If you didn't hear, Saddam went on a hunger strike protesting the killing of one of his lawyers. I'm not exactly sure who this protest was aimed at. Apparently, neither was he as he only skipped one meal.

She Blinded Me With Scientology

Thanks to Zimbo for pointing out this page, Scientology is not Science. I suggest watching the slideshow (the changing picture at the top-right of the article) first. Some of the drawings are priceless.

What An A-OL

If you haven't heard it yet, here's the audio of a guy trying to cancel his AOL account. It is about 5 minutes long but it is worth it.

If you don't have the time, you could read an MSNBC article about it. They also tested AOL.

To put this claim to the test, CNBC reporter Matt Lefkowitz called again. Here is a rough transcript:

CNBC: I want to cancel my AOL account.

He was promptly disconnected.

He tried again.

CNBC: I need to cancel my AOL account. I never really use it. ... Well, if I can cancel it anytime, why can't I cancel it now? Can I just cancel my account?

It took him 45 minutes to finally get his account canceled.

These Cats Know How To Heil

I got these "Cats that look like an infamous German leader" pics from this NOT WORK SAFE LINK.
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Molasses

I need some advice. Today I played disc golf with someone. Normally I would be on the course by 5:30 and done by 6:30. We started around 5:50 and finished at 8:20!

What's the most polite way to tell him I don't want to play with him again? And, just for fun, what's the least polite?

Am I Woodward Or Bernstein?

My inside source has sent me the following memo. It has been italicized to make it look more Arabic.

Fellow Al-Qaeda Members,

As you have heard, Sheikh Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi has left the organization for personal reasons (about 72 personal reasons, in fact). AM was instrumental in leading the growth in beheadings and car bombings over the last few years. I know you all join me in wishing him the best in his future.

Additionally, I would like to announce the appointment Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajir as the new Vice President of Al-Qaeda Iraqi Insurgence. Hamzi brings a wealth of experience from his market bombing (marketing) and training background. Please join me in welcoming Hamzi to the organization.

Osama

Hey Seuss

I really have nothing I can write about so here's some filler.

I saw Sarah Silverman's Jesus Is Magic this weekend. It's a taped stand-up routine with some skit-type stuff overlayed on parts and a skit wrapper at the beginning and end. Stop reading now if you don't want to know anything about it!

Sarah's humor tends toward the shocking. Very often I found myself grimacing and laughing at the same time. I can't imagine many people over the age of, say, 60 (50 if they're Jewish) finding this funny at all. Ditto if you're easily offended. If you don't fit in those groups you still might not like it. Caveat spector!

New Yorkers Get Through Quickest

Sometimes pressing '0' isn't enough.

The IVR operator gave me a list of options, I said, "F*@#!" and he said: "I think you said you want to talk to a customer service agent. Is this correct?"

Now, put ya f*in' soopaviza on.

Which Ding-Dong Is Dead?

Reports are that Al-Zarqawi has been killed. Is following a strategy that Israel has used for 30+ years (and, in my opinion, completely unsuccessfully) really a wise idea? Is anyone so deluded to think this will make a difference in Iraq? And by "difference" I mean less violence and vitriol toward the U.S.

I shed no tears for Zarqawi. He's like the guy that jumped into the lion's den then other day...except, in this case, the lions came to him. He had a choice: play ball or likely end up a martyr. He chose the funny spelled one.

The Hair Up There

Thanks to one of my readers for sending in this photo. This fits great with the previous post.

Click the picture for a larger version.

For The Man From Hairlantis

Here's a disturbing video about manscaping.

Or, if that's too much, scroll down to some of the comments like this one:

[...]my Braun shaver [was not] safe for use in the nether regions. Enter the Bodygroom, which works much better below the waist [...] you have to take your time and work more slowly if you're clear-cutting old growth forest[...] Also, do be careful on areas of loose skin (you know which I mean), since the trimmers can still nick skin if it isn't pulled taught.

Ouch!

I Need A Rainbow Wig

I came up with this idea for a tallJay signature shirt. I expect these will outsell those 80's "Frankie Says Relax" T-shirts.

Next Time, Try Zoroastrianism

A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure

Safe Post Mode Is: ON

Last night I was extremely tired. As usual this throws off my bedtime routine. Usually it'll be something like I'll forget to take out my contacts or floss. This time, I forgot to change into my boxers. It just wasn't worth the 3 feet to grab a pair so I went commando for the night. It looked something like this: This has been pixelated for your protection. Thank you for using SafePosttm.

Fatwah Toast

What should I do in this scenario?

I make some toast and an image appears on it. The image is not Jesus or Mary (I know what they look like) so it might be Mohammed.

• First of all, how would I recognize that it was Mohammed?
• Should I destroy my graven image creating toaster?
• Would I be offending someone's religious beliefs if I ate it? I mean, if I made toast it was probably because I was hungry. Doesn't the Koran talk about feeding the hungry? Is it okay if I smear it with cream cheese or peanut butter first (because plain Mohammed toast can be pretty dry)? Is it worse if I make a ham sandwich?
• If someone fears making toast because the image of Mohammed might appear on it, was is that called? Prophetoastaphobia?

Clearly, I'm not the first to think this an important topic as a Google search for Mohammed and toast yields over 300,000 hits.

Update! My friend suggested a better title for this post would have been "Toast Postie" and I have to agree. Oh well.