Defenestrate The Milk From Your Nose

Wolfger submitted this great link in his comment on the previous post.

You other readers are total slackers.

Subterranean Excommunication Blues

I'm sure you've heard about the Jena 6 but have you heard about the Little Rock 6? Talk about injustice! Where are Bob Dylan and Joan Baez when you need them?

Sister Mary Theresa, Sister Maria Theresa, Sister Theresa Maria and three other sisters, none of whom are true sistas, were excommunicated from the Catholic Church. Not surprisingly, at 82 years of age, Sister Mary doesn't really give a crap.

So why is the Catholic Church giving these little old ladies a curb job*? Because they believe in Mary! Jesus Christ, isn't that part of church doctrine?

Yes, of course it is. If a statue cries blood or a sprinkler causes a rainbow on your window or if your grilled cheese looks funny, that's the real Mary but if someone claims to be the reincarnation of Mary, whoa Nellie, that's excommunication.

Aside for Bob Dylan. Here's a start for your new protest song:
Reincarnation
Excommunication
What in tarnation
has caused this sensation?

You can make up the rest. Just run it by me when you're done. Thanks!

Since these old ladies were "deluded" to think they may be talking to Mary, they had to go. That includes removing

"the Eucharist -- which Catholics revere as the body of Christ -- from the monastery"

because you sure don't want any crazy people eatin' Jesus!

On top of that, a spokesman for the group associated with Sister Mary Reincarnatia says that she does not claim to be the reincarnation of Mary at all. She just "receives graces" from the Virgin Mary and God. I'm a little suspicious because my understanding is that you either have grace or you don't. You can't have a little grace and you can't acquire grace. The spokesman added:

"The Virgin Mary took possession of her soul. I would rather say it that way."

Because that sounds much saner.


* - Look up "curb job" in the might-not-be-work-safe Urban Dictionary.

A Long Duck Post

I just overheard this snippet of a conversation:

manager 1: isn't dong free?
manager 2: no.
manager 1: oh. maybe it was some other dong.
manager 2: there's a dong over in back end. maybe you're thinking of wong?

I've removed all capitalization to make things funnier.

Breaking News: Bunny Ranch Buys CNBC

Isn't $80 kinda expensive, even for Sharon Epperson? Any of my readers keep up on the price of these things?

Lose 10 Lbs. Of Ugly Weight

According to this article, the reason you are fat is because you are on a "see food" diet.

In one experiment, Wansink placed candy jars of chocolate in office workers' cubicles for a month. Then, he moved the candy six feet away. Simply having the candy closer meant the office workers ate five more candies a day.

Hmm. Why not conclude that people are just too f*cking lazy to walk the extra 6 feet to get more candy?

And that brings me to introduce my new diet plan, the Distance Diet. You can already see that this is a great diet because it has a catchy, alliterative name. Even though it is only one diet it works in two different ways. That's like buying one diet and getting the other for free! I don't see Jenny or Nutri doing that! And if the name doesn't excite you, the use of exclamations points sure will!!!

Here's the plan: Simply increase the distance between where you eat and where you store your food until you start losing weight. It's that simple!

You'll lose weight in two different ways. First, the exercise factor: you'll be burning extra calories walking all that distance to get your food! How easy is that?

"Not that easy," you say? "It's too far," you say? Well, that's the secret, built-in secondary diet. The food will be so far away that you'll be too lazy to go get it! Instead you'll substitute something like smoking to get you through the day.

Once you get down to your ideal weight, you can use my Cessation Sensation plan to quit smoking!

Marcel Marceau Tribute

The Book Of Jobs

Whether you think Steve Jobs is a megalomaniacal ass or not, and it is only a matter of time before his giant swelled head causes him and his company to get stuck in a well (again), you'll probably find this recent Woot! funny.

Full disclosure: I do own one Apple product. A 1981 Apple ][+ which my parents have been asking me to move out of their garage for about 20 years.

This Is What Happens When You're Confined To Your Building

If you're thinking "Hey, that looks like a new link on Jay's blog," then you'd be right and either have autism or just need to get a life.

NO! Don't click it! At least not at work. Are you crazy? Did I say "Hey, check out this new link"? No. Did I say it was work safe? No. (Actually, it is only work safe if you're the kind of worker that can get away with feeding his boss Kimchi Chocolate.)

Just in case that wasn't clear, the new link is not work safe.

For my two non-autistic and non-lifeless readers, the link I'm refering to is the one titled In Response to Your Craig's List Ad.

Thanks Zimbo!

And Blood Feuds. They're Big On Those, Too

Albania!
Albania!
You border on the Adriatic
Your land is mostly mountainous
And your chief export is chrome!

That's about the limit for most Americans' knowledge about Albania. Here are some other facts and myths about Albania.

Fact: Albania is actually called Shqipëria, which is pronounced just the way you'd think.
Myth: Captain Lou Albano is from Albania.
Fact: From the late 1920's through the 1930's, Albania was led by the Cartoon Network's King Zog I.
Myth: Albanian's own/run all the pizza joints in New York City.
Fact: In Albania, pizza is called qzshrw, which is pronounced pete-sa.

Daily life in Albania consists of doing things like making the world's largest toothpick mosaic or setting your truck on fire because the Albanian soccer team lost to arch nemesis, the Dutch.

He Got Hit By Lightning Playing Disc Golf

There was a family (parents plus son [maybe 5] and daughter [maybe 7]) out in the park today where I was playing disc golf. They were flying a kite until the gusty winds drove it into the ground and broke it. While the dad tried to fix it, the son struck up a conversation with me.

kid: Hi-aye!
me: Hello!
kid: Today is good for kites.
me: It sure is.
kid: Do you have a kite?
me: No. I don't.
kid: I do.
me: I can see that.
kid: My parents got it for me.
me: Uh-huh.
kid: It's a family kite. My mom and dad both have families. But my dad's family is old and my mom's dad died.

And then mom swooped in, picked up her son and off they went.

Alice Doesn't Live Here Any More

Arriving home after my bike ride this morning, I checked my mail. A quick glance showed the normal credit card offers, a catalog, something from the library (what the?) and something from (dum dum dummmmmm) the IRS.

It doesn't matter how honestly you fill out your taxes; nobody wants to get a letter form the IRS. So I opened the library mail first.

Overdue book! That's crazy! I have one book out and it's due today. I know this for sure because I just checked yesterday. Maybe it's for a book I returned and they lost? Nope. Says right there "Running with Scissors". Worse is that I haven't finished it and now I can't renew it online. Oh well. I should be able to straighten that out. Now to envelope number 2.

What does the IRS want? As I'm about to open the envelope I notice it is not addressed to me. It's to a previous tenant. I'd swear this happened before. Very annoying.

Take This Tool And Shove It

Here's a tool that you never knew you needed.

Or just use a ShopVac.



Thanks (or threats) go to alert reader E (actually his kids) for this one.

Golf Monkey Golf

WARNING! This post is about golf! Do NOT read it while driving!

After two weeks I think Golf's FedEx Cup can be declared a dismal failure. Expect them to "tweak" things next year and drop the whole debacle after that. Prediction Monkey says so.

It's not hard to understand why they've tried this. Playoffs are exciting! Well, they are in NCAA Basketball and maybe a couple other sports. But not in golf. Or NASCAR. Or drag racing.

Look at it like this: you have each event be somewhat important OR you can trade off some importance from a bunch of events and move, even concentrate it, into a small number of events (like playoffs or Majors). You can't have both. The human mind does not allow it.