Wait'll We Get Our Hanes On You

Didn't I just say that might be last post for a while? Then here's a somewhat ironic post.

Last Friday Sara Lee (the cake people) spun off Hanesbrands (the underwear people). There was much celebrating.

Hanesbrands Inc.'s top executives and headquarters employees held a kind of corporate pep rally -- their second of the week -- Friday morning at the company's Winston-Salem headquarters. [...] [The Executive Chairman and CEO both] praised the work of employees and told them their efforts to strengthen the company's brands, optimize its supply chain and be innovative would be key to the company's success in the future.

Yesterday, Hanesbrands announced the closing of 3 factories and 2200 layoffs.

Unannounced was that the laid-off employees would have to exit the buildings through a 4 foot tall door. As employees leave, they will receive a Mini Dickmann, inserted directly into their rectum as symbol of top managements' regard for them.

Those nearing retirement age will receive the larger, Super Dickmann.

Where To Eat In Düsseldorf

This will be more of an informational post to help those travellers heading to Düsseldorf.

If you are looking for classic German food the previously mentioned Zum Schiffchen is the place.

If you get tired of pig knuckles, Schnitzel and Wurst, I heartily recommend Bim's Marktwirtschaft (don't look for the word Bim's, though, we didn't see it anywhere) which serves delicious Mediteranean-style food and, as a bonus, you can get English menus. Our server also translated the specials for us.

I had the gnocchi special which had long, skinny mushrooms and pumkin slices in a tasty sauce. It was delicious but too much to finish. My colleague had another special which was a large, nearly bocce ball size cut of pork covered in spinach and some kind of chopped nuts, all surrounded by a pastry crust. Similar to Beef Wellington except with pork instead of beef...and spinach/nuts instead of mushrooms...but these are minor trifles. It was surrounded on the plate with gnocchi in a Gorgonzola sauce. Spectacular! Bring a healthy appetite.

Despite our being full, we stopped of at Pia for Eis (ice cream). I don't know why but ice cream is ridiculously cheap here (the entire city). 50 Euro cents for a single scoop cone is normal. Try a double scoop for 1 Euro, Schokolade und Banane.

Don't know if I will have Internet access over the next week but if I do there will surely be posts. Auf wiedersehen.

Dummkopf?

True story, though I cannot reveal names or places.

A person I know very well (Person A) received an email from someone (Person B). Also copied on this email was Person A's manager (PHB). PHB considered the information useful to their entire department.

What happened next?

1. PHB forwarded the email to their entire department.
2. PHB rewrote the email before forwarding it in order to take credit for the idea.
3. PHB sent an email to Person B asking them to forward the email to PHB's department.

Which boss do you have?

If I had to come up with one word to describe each of these bosses, I think I'd go with "reasonable" or maybe "rare" for #1. "Assh*le" or "weasel" goes with #2. I'm drawing a blank on a single word for #3.

The answer, by the way, is #3.

Waschsalon

Since I'm on business for so long, I get to do laundry. Here's some sample prices for the hotel's laundry service (all in Euros) :

• shirt 5.00
• T-shirt 4.00
• underpants 3.00
• handkerchief 1.50
• jeans 7.00
• pair of socks 3.50

And I thought 17 Euros a day for Internet service was ridiculous. I don't care that my company would pay for this, I actually find these prices offensive. I asked where I am working about finding a laundromat. Well, that wasn't much help as he didn't even know the German word for laundromat. I eventually figured it out, found one using Google Maps and had scoped the place out Sunday when I ran.

If it's Tuesday, it must be laundry night. Before getting on the tram (the place was about a mile and a half away) I put my wallet and all my coins into a pocket that had a velcro closure so nothing would fall out. I got to the place without any issues.

The place was pretty full...of clothes. Not many people around though (it was a bit warm to hang out in the place). I set about deciphering the instructions.

All the machines were centrally controlled. You could also buy soap at this same central location...somehow. I waived a few people past me and tried to watch what they were doing but they were too fast. I stared vacantly at Central Control (CC). A big guy sitting nearby asked me something-in German, of course-and I asked if he spoke English.

"Yyyyyyessss," he replied in that distinctly German way. He explained how to operate the machines. Put your clothes and soap in first, select a cycle (he explained 3 of the 5 available as colors, lights and faster), close the door, go to the CC and insert your money (for one load, serving of soap, 10 minutes of drying, etc.) and press the number or letter of your machine. Then go back to your machine and press the starting button. Simple, ya?

While waiting, I found the cost of the advice was 30 minutes of talking with this guy about travel and such. Most Germans are not very talkative/open; maybe the term I'm looking for is warm. As a contrast I would pick Hawaiians as the other end of the spectrum. Anyway, some Germans (and even more ex-pats, I think) when they find someone who is willing to talk, seem to gorge themselves on conversation. For me, these people are like oasis in the desert.

Thirty minutes later my 2 loads (colors and lights) were done. Well, not quite. Seems I didn't put the soap in correctly and so the soap got stuck by the door until the final spin when it got all over my colors (lights were fine). I restarted the load, this time going for "faster" and put the lights in the drier for 20 then another 10 minutes.

By now, my helper friend had finished his laundry and headed home. I went to sit on a chair outside and read my book. Clink, clink, clink. Well now. After using the CC, I put the change in my pocket; my "not the pocket with the velcro" pocket. The chair I sat in was on top of a grate. Great. I believe I donated 3.50 to the whoever-fishes-money-out-of-the-grate-in-front-of-the-laundromat charity.

I guess I'll put this on my Expense Report as Werfischtgeldausdemrostvordemwaschsalonwohltätigkeit.

* - whoever fishes money out of the grate in front of the laundromat

A Night In The Life

We set off for dinner around 7:15 this evening. I had a few places marked on a crudely drawn map and we ended up at Im Füchschen. This was the same place I ate the "freshly slaughtered pig" the last time.

We had one Alt while trying to decipher the German menu. After another half an Alt I went and got the English menus from the waiter. Now, you'd think that after asking for menus, then asking again for English menus, that the waiter might have an inkling that you want food. After a total of about 40 minutes without getting our order taken, we paid our tab and left. I think Im Füchschen is pronounced, "I'm f*cked then" or there abouts.

We ended up at Zum Schiffchen. They had Frankenheim Alt, which is not as good as the Füchschen but the service actually existed. I order the grilled pig knuckle. I don't really know what this is but I'm guessing it's the knee. It is large, about the size of a Chiuaua...maybe bigger. It's a man's meal for sure. When I ordered it, the waiter gave me a knowing look...like I knew what I was doing.

Just as an aside, they had an appetizer that was something-schmaltz and bread. The English translation: lard with bread. I kid you not.

Anyway, I ate most of the pig thingy which came with sauerkraut and fried potatoes. Excellent and recommended for those with a hearty pig-eatin' appetite.

On the walk back to the tram, through an open window three floors up we heard, in a high pitched, German accented voice, "ooh, ooh.....ohh, ohh, ohh.....ay, ay, ohhhh....ay, ay, ay, ay...." and on and on.

I wondered if they had a mechanical bull in there.

Bullescheiße

At the dragon boat (Dracheboot) regatta, one of the activities was mechanical bull riding. We watched for a while and maybe 6 adults tried it. In between, a bunch of kids did too but the host/operator knew that to get the laughs and the big crowds, you needed adults making fools of themselves. (Don't get ahead of me here.)

We were watching the proceedings from a shady spot behind the operator. He had just let two kids in a row go and knew he needed an adult. Preferably male. Preferably someone who stood out with obvious jokable qualities. As he scanned and cajoled the crowd he finally turned to me saying who-knows-what in German (probably something like "How about you scarecrow?") . I started emptying my pockets. He said something "sprecken?" and I assumed he had asked me if I spoke German. I replied "No sprecken" which is the only thing I said until I was on the bull. I decided later that he probably asked me a question first (maybe my name, like he asked everyone else) and when I said nothing he asked me "Do you speak?" And I dutifully replied "I don't speak."

On the bull, he spun me around, cracking jokes to the audience's delight. I guess he asked in English, where I was from and I tried to yell "the U.S." over my shoulder. He spun me back toward him and asked if I spoke English and when I said "yes" he asked if I was from South Africa. I repeated, "the U.S." And he joked "But not from Texas?" We started on level 2, to get the feel of things. Notice in the first picture how delighted the kids are to have a gangly American using up time on their bull.
OK. Level 2 wasn't bad. You need to stay on 16 seconds to advance to the next level. Except for the first person we saw (a woman who got past level 4) nobody had been passed level 3. And the guys that had gone were not scrawny like me...but looks can be deceiving...

Plus, look at the position. Right hand grasping firmly between the legs. Muscles tense. Total concentration. Like the geeky girl in Jurassic Park when she logs onto the Unix computer, I thought to myself, "I know this!" Check out that white-knuckle death grip I've got.

Notice the kids keenly studying my technique while other laugh derisively at the Magerjudencowboy.

Level 3 goes by and suddenly, things aren't so funny any more. Maybe Haarausfallmagerjudencowboy is for real. I even got that hand-in-the-air thing going.

At this point, the operator let me know that nobody had made it past level 5. If I could get past 4, I'd be in a tie for best of the idiots.

Cut to about 15 years ago. A few friends and I went to the local comedy club where two comedians performed. I don't recall either of their names. I don't recall anything about the second comedian at all but the first was a juggling comedian.

He started off juggling a few things and telling a few jokes. One of his first jokes was explaining how when he started juggling, his friends were impressed but quickly were asking him, "Can you do four balls?" He then explained that it took a few months to learn but he was finaly able to to do it.

His friends were again impressed but soon bored. "Can you do five?" they asked. He went on explaining how hard this was and how some guy (maybe the world record holder?) spent 8 hours a day, every day, practicing and eventually was able to juggle eleven rings at once. Still, this guy juggled 5 balls for a few seconds and it was pretty good. He went on juggling knives and axes and all sorts of things and then came the finale.

He brought out 3 bowling balls, hoisted them up and juggled them maybe 10 times. There was some applause. He came up to the mic to thank the audience when I screamed, "Can you do four?"

Personally, I found it hard to believe that nobody had yelled this before, but his less than snappy retort "Do you have one in your car?" told me otherwise.

Back to the present time.

By this point my right forearm had swelled to twice its normal size. The big question was, "Could I do 4?"

After about 6 seconds this was my position.
Alas, that's as far as things went. I did win a game for getting as far as I did. The only other person I saw get a game was the first woman.

Yahtzee anyone?

The Best And Wurst

Went to dinner the other night and sat at the bar. The guy behind the bar came over and I'm pretty sure asked what we wanted to drink. I said "Alt" as Alt is what you drink in Düsseldorf. The guy looked at me funny. "Alt" I repeated.
He questioned, "Oh, Alt?"
I relied, "Ya. Alt."
"Alt?"
Finally it sunk in. The drink Alt is pronounced with the 'a' sounding like ah. I was pronouncing it like 'all' with an added 't' at the end. This made what I was saying sound more like "Halt!" I corrected myself and asked for, and received, an Alt.

To avoid further difficulties, I ordered pizza for dinner.

Went to Köln (Cologne) yesterday. It's big draw is the Dom, an enormous cathedral that survived WWII. Cathederals aren't my big thing but it is impressive in its ridiculous ornateness. I didn't go in but considered paying 60 Euro cents to pee near it.

Another nice thing about Köln is that their beer is Kölsh which is much easier to order. I especially liked the sign on one bar that read basically, buy 10 Kölsh, get 1 free! As an educational aside, this is also known as a meter of beer, since they serve 11 of the 0.2l glasses in a meter long board.

Instead I went and worshipped at the Schocolade Museum. They actually make chocolate at the museum. Here I snagged a picture of the Oompa Loompas doing their work. They give out free samples which were sugar wafers which they dipped in melted milk chocolate (I think they use milk chocolate because of the kids and because it's cheaper.) On my second sample trip (of three) I hit the jackpot when the OL gave me the last four chocolate coated wafers she had in her hand so she could dip some more for the large approaching group. Total take for the day, 6 chocolate covered wafers.

After leaving, we went to the museum cafe for more schocolade. Deciphering the menu, I was leaning toward Käsekuchen (cheesecake). I asked the waiter if it was Schocoladekäsekuchen and he looked at me like this was as crazy as ordering Alt. I was actually hoping they might have chocolate beer but if they can't even get past chocolate cheesecake... I ended up getting the chocolate torte (which was good) and a Kölsh. Mmmm. Chocolate cake and beer.

This morning I ran 7 miles and actually saw maybe 6 other people running. A couple of the runners were wearing shorts. All had jackets on (it was around 60 degrees by that time). Very odd.

They had some dragon boat races going on along with festival food, music and activities. We went for a while and watched, ate, listened and participated (more on that in another post). It dawned on me that the festival food was really no different than their regular food. Lots of worst, bread, potatoes and deep fried treats.

And what is the deal with the fries with mayonnaise? Flavor-wise I don't have a big issue with it but, geez, why not cut out the middleman and just make deep fried mayonnaise balls or something?

I tried the currywurst. Take one worst, cut up, sprinkle with curry powder and smother in brown sauce. Serve with a piece of bread. It was not too bad...until I dropped my bread (which was covered in sauce). My lightning quick reflexed saved it from the floor...by pinning it against my shorts. Anybody know how to get a curry stain out? I'll tell you, I thought it was impossible since I have some plastic utensils that used to be blue and are now green after cooking curry with them. Bleach couldn't change them but the hand soap at the hotel appears to have gotten the curry stain out.

Oh, by the way, the "brown sauce" in the curry worst? Ketchup!

And lastly, we ran across this place which sells "Jay's juices." Mercifully, they were closed.