Say Hello To My Little Friend......Nubbin

I was going to write something about Omar bin Laden, who married a serial-marrier and now plans a horse race across North Africa but I couldn't get past the picture which shows him with braids, not dreadlocks! Also notice that he is sporting what most people call a goatee, the kind that attaches to a mustache (actually known as a "pinch".)

Fortunately for me I have recently stopped wearing such an un-cool form of facial hair. I now sport a horseshoe mustache plus nubbin (aka royale aka soul patch aka flavor saver).

But this is just a step in the evolution. Next stop is the Franz Josef.




Then I will make a brief stop at the Friendly Mutton Chops on my way to Hulihee.






Ultimately, I hope to get to the French Fork.









Whoops! I meant Liberty Fork!

I've Got The Runs

Let's suppose you wanted to be in the Olympics. Go for the glamor of the sprints; 100m, 200m, 400m. You can't get away with taking HGH or blood doping or even pseudo-ephedrine. What can you possibly do to get an edge?

Unfortunately, all of you that were thinking "I'll cut off my legs!" are going to be disappointed. A recent IAAF ruling says that

prosthetic racing legs give [...] a clear competitive advantage.

Which explains why the Olympics are so totally overshadowed by the Paralympics. Shall the footed be banned from wheelchair racing? Quid pro quo.

Brueggemann found that Pistorius was able to run at the same speed as able bodied runners on about a quarter less energy. He found that once the runners hit a certain stride, athletes with artificial limbs needed less additional energy than other athletes.

Personally, I think this Brueggemann character has been watching too many Six Million Dollar Man re-runs.

I say, let him run. And any sprinter who feels this is unfair can cut off their legs and use the same equipment.

This Writer's Strike Is Making Me Thirsty!

In today's news, The Daily Show still sucks and I'm taking it off my TiVo.

I've joined the Blog Writers And Hackers, Hagglers And Haberdashers of America! (BWAHAHA!) because I am so underpaid. I can't even get people to pay me compliments! Maybe it's the clientèle I attract with such search phases as [all these are actual search phrases]:

• schnitzengruben
• milk that d*ck
• milk from an*s
• vibrator doesn't fit what do i do

How much worse can things get if I write about How Monkeys Pay For Sex?

The paper draws no conclusions about what these observations in monkeys mean for the human world. In fact, whether and how scientists should extrapolate from primate behavior is a fairly "big debate," says Gumert.

I guess the major media outlets have to decide between this story and the primaries. Election or erection? Clearly, the editors don't know which the American public is more interested in.

Unless you mistake the candidates for erections, which isn't hard to do.

Measure My Post

Thanks to this, you can now Rate My Posts! Now your "too lazy too comment" ass has no excuse. I realize most of you will be disappointed that you can only rate a post "5" but I'll know that you truly feel that my post is a 10".

There are over 550 in the archive, I expect you to go through all of them.

Normally, I like to proofread these but I'm sure there's no reason to today.

Update (1/23): Well, that experiment was fun but seeing how almost every post was rated 1 by one person and 5 by the only other, it wasn't very useful. Deleted!

The Daily Suckfest?

Did anybody watch The Daily Show last night? The whole thing?

I sure didn't. Holy crap! What a craptastic crapfest.

Jon. Let me explain something to you. People watch your show because it is (well, it was) funny. Nobody gives a crap what you think. Sorry to hurt your feelings but that's the way it is. No funny, no watchy.

If you want to keep your job, find a way to be funny...and fast. Stop being a holier-than-thou dick.

Or the Miracle of Nielsen will have you looking for a new job.

From TiVotee To Tivotoe

How do you keep your tootsies warm in the winter?

Well, you might say "set them on fire!" or "bury them 10 deep!" Well, you might say that if you're Rwandan or you're willing to risk your blogutation on a genocide joke.

Or you can trade hot stock tips worth tens of thousands of dollars for a TiVo referral, netting you 5000 points and the opportunity to look this stupid.

Do They Make Jokes During Masectomies?

Some time ago, I walked into an operating room. I was instructed to go behind a curtain, disrobe and put on a hospital gown. I was then directed to an operating table and told to lie down.

Then my gown was lifted to my armpits, the doctor grabbed my junk with one hand and dry shaved me with the disposable razor in the other.

"I bet you never had a guy shave you before!"

Number 1, please watch what you are doing. That's a razor, dude. A razor!
Number 2, please don't talk to me.
Number 3, it's cold in here.

Embarrassingly cold.

After a couple of injections and a slice here, a snip there, it's cauterizing time!

Me: Uhmmm.I think something's burning.
Doc: It's your balls! They're on fire!
Me: Wha!?
Doc: Just kidding! I'm just closing the ends here.

When it's all over I wonder: why did I need to go behind the privacy curtain to change?