It's The Euphemisms, Stupid

If the press covered my daily home life, yesterday's headline would have been:

Jay Sets Nuts On Fire, Burns Date

Incredibly, I had my pants on the entire time.

What happened was, I was making some cookies. These cookies contained everything that was in my pantry that could conceivably go into a cookie that had not been eaten by my new roommates (more on them later): oatmeal, chocolate chips, walnuts and dates. I didn't have a recipe for a cookie with that much of my junk in them so I just wang it. Wait, I think I meant "winged it".

Once I got my junk out of the mixing bowl, the hardest part was at hand: how long do I keep my cookies in the oven for things to come out right? Since my cookies are big, I figured on around 16 minutes.

After 8 minutes, my stuff was looking good. I set the timer for another 8 minutes. Quite a while later, I checked the timer, which read 7:59 (whoops!). I went immediately to pull my cookies from the over but I had come to late. My nuts were already burned.

As for my new roommates, who apparently enjoy nibbling on my silicon bakeware, I'm sending you on an all-expenses-paid trip to mouse heaven.

Clearly, I Won't Be Dying Any Time Soon

Pussy harbinger of death!

Wearing Nothing But A Smile

I just want to point out that I do not live in Brattleboro.

Bangers And Mash

For those of you that haven't been watching the Tour de France (and I believe that would be all of you) you missed a spectator dressed as a, um, well, just have a look.

Toon Up

People have asked me to post a picture. Here are two.

Me as a South Park character. (Make yours here.)


Me as a Simpsons character. (Make yours here.)

Show'em You're Cross

I apologize if you don't understand this post but it must posted.

Nerts - 64,600 Google hits
Ticer - 341,000 Google hits

Say 4 Our Father's and 978,485,322 Hail Mary's

$660,000,000 for 500+ cases of abuse. The exact distribution to be based on time and severity of the abuse.

Maybe something like:

• fondling: $20,000
• forced to blow a priest: $100,000
• blown by a priest: $20 (this could really add up though)
  
• toss a Holy salad: $2,000,000
• f**ked in the ass by a priest: $1,000,000
• f**ked in the ass by a lawyer: 40% of all that money you made...the hard way

This calls for my favorite lawyer joke:

Q: Why do lawyers always wear neckties?

A: To keep the foreskin from rolling over their heads.

I bet all those priests are walking around with thumb drives, too.

Dumber Than A Gas Pump

Some nearby gas stations have started selling gas about $0.40/gal cheaper than everyone else. Since I needed gas, I decided to take advantage. Unsurprisingly, there was a line at the station; not like a 1970's gas line but still a line none-the-less.

There were 8 pumps at the station. At first people were sharing nicely with those entering from one side using the first 4 pumps and those entering from the other entrance using the last 4 pumps. Then someone had to be a dick and everybody had to choose a pump to line up behind. I became the second car waiting at pump 8.

Eventually the current pumper finished, shook off the end of the hose, and left. The guy in front of me moved into position and I creeped ahead. He got out of his car and stared at the pump for a bit. I think he may have been reading it. Maybe he couldn't believe the prices or thought there was some kind of catch? He stood there for a good 15 seconds accomplishing nothing and I felt like Nancy Kerrigan. Finally he walked inside, I assume to pay cash. I did not see any other person go inside while I was at the station.

He returned and opened his gas cap. He stared at the pump a little more and chose the "regular" nozzle, inserting it in his car. He squeezed the handle and nothing happened. And then he stared at the pump again. And stared. And started.

In hindsight, I know what his problem was. There were 3 nozzles at the pump: regular, mid and premium. Next to the mid and premium nozzles was a red square clearly printed with "Press to Start".

The regular nozzle had a red square with a worn out middle. Who knows what it might have said? "Press when finished." "Press for emergency." "Press you friggin' idiot!" How long did it take this guy, who is apparently licensed to drive, to figure out how to start the pump? I was just about to get out of my car to start it for him.

Now, the boy genius can't figure out to get the handle to lock in the "on" position. He tries several methods which couldn't possibly work before deciding either: to just give up or that the thing must be broken [which it wasn't].

He must have paid for a certain amount of gas because even though the handle has "popped", indicating the tank is full, he keeps releasing it and pulling it. Pop. Release. Pull. Pop. Ok, you get the idea. I counted 30 not including all the ones I missed before I started counting or after I got tired of counting.

Finally, he replaced the nozzle. Put his gas cap back on. Gave the pump one more stare and got into his car.

And sat there, futzing with something before eventually leaving.

Fortunately, I drive so little I won't need gas again for about a month.

Gives "The Burning Bush" A Whole New Meaning

One of my favorite pastimes is seeing how people find my blog. Here's another example:

Search Engine google.co.il
Search Words sex milk from woman

Number 1, this shows that at least 1 person in Israel is not totally occupied with killing "the other side".

Number 2, what the hell is this person searching for? I have no idea. So, if you return, please let me know what you are trying to find. If not, I'll just make something up.

Any Brazilian Disc Golfers Out There?

I screwed up my back. I believe it was from disc golfing on Sunday. I woke up Monday morning almost unable to get out of bed. Tuesday was much better with only slight pain. Today it's worse again although not as bad as Monday was.

I'm eating ibuprofen like they contain Streptococci bacteria* and I hope I'll be able to run again by this weekend.

* - Explanation (possibly not work safe, only read if you haven't eaten recently)

Pope On A Slope

The Vatican released a document that states something along the lines of "Catholics are the only 'true' Christians". The reason? Basically, because they are the only ones following Catholicism.

Wait. It gets better.

The document stressed that dialogue with other Christians remained "one of the priorities of the Catholic Church."

"[...] it is fundamental to any kind of dialogue that the participants are clear about their own identity. That is, dialogue cannot be an occasion to accommodate or soften what you actually understand yourself to be."

In other words, "We're open to talking to others as long as they understand that we're right and they are wrong."

Boy, does that sound familiar.

Giant Vibrator

I previously promised that if I wrote anything vaguely resembling humor in Marathon blog, I'd put a link here. Promise fulfilled.

On another subject I came across this Vibration Fitness Power machine. OK, maybe "came across" was not the best choice of words. Here are some of the features (complete with original grammatical errors):

• Machine comes a display console with 3-LED that displays time, speed and body fat Value
• Maximum user weight for up to 264 lbs (machine weights 121 lbs)
• Warranty 10 days after receiving the product

Plus, look at what this baby can do (bold highlights are mine):

The Effects of the Power Massage Plate: 1) fat burning: because the metabolism increases by training. The vibrations reshape the body in the hip, waist and abdomen areas.2) Cellulites and cosmetics: The massage exercises loosen the agglutinations and results in better mobility of the tissue layers. The image of the skin will also improve, because the cellulites are broken down and the connective tissue is enhanced therefore it would boost your body's natural collagen production for improved skin texture.3) Rapid muscle increase: During the Training almost 100% of the muscle fibers are utilized. 4) Increase in flexibility: Due to better blood flow, heating of the muscles and the tendon stretching reflex the body becomes much more supple and relaxed. 5) Spur circulation of blood and improve your metabolism: During training, the muscles pump blood into the smallest capillaries up to 50 times per second so the cells receive fuel more rapidly and causes waste products to be disposed of much faster. 6) Coordination improvement: The receptors in the entire body are stimulated at the same time, which leads to improved coordination of the relating muscles at the same time the sense of balance are trained.7) The vibrations stimulate and move your intestines so you won't suffer from constipation anymore. 8) Improved condition: As the muscles become stronger, more is required of all the supply systems, which results in an increased efficiency of these systems. 9) Reduce your back and joint pains and builds your bone density and fight osteoporosis 10) Relieves Stress: It helps you relax with its vibration and it also can help you fight insomnia. All you need is 10 to 15 min a day to improve your health and achieve the shape you desire!

And make sure you check out the picture. In the lower right, it shows the various "exercises" you can do with this giant vibrator, like stand on it, sit on it, sit on it sideways or even just put one foot on it. What the heck am I running for?

Skip The Special Sauce

CKE Restaurants is suing Jack-in-the-Box over its latest commercials. I found two on YouTube, one funnier than the other.

CKE, parent of the Carl's Jr. and Hardee's fast-food chains, sued Jack In The Box in May over television commercials it says misleads customers into confusing CKE's Angus hamburgers with meat from a cow's anus.

Number 1 (or maybe I should start with number 2?), CKE clearly believes that their customers are so dumb [how dumb are they] ...they are so dumb that would confuse Angus with anus.

Number 2/3, if the people eating these burgers actually saw the meat being used, might they not prefer to eat a cow's anus? Or Scrapple?

Also note that, at least in America, the rear portion of the cow is knows as the "round". Purely coincidental, I'm sure.

Choose Your Poison: Snakes Or God On A Plane

The guy sitting next to me is on his cell phone explaining the what he used to think "fear of God" meant and what he now thinks it means. Previously, he was afraid of going to hell. Now, he "understands" that "fear" means "reverence". He has repeated this at least 15 times.

His wife (I assume) has just joined him and he's off the phone. Now, he's explaining this same concept to his wife.

I am saved!

...by the boarding announcement. First is Zone 1.
Guy (to his wife): What zone are you?
Wife: I'm zone 4.
Guy: What zone am I?
Wife: You're zone 6.
Guy: What zone are you?
Wife: Zone 4.
Guy: And I'm?
Wife: Zone 6.
Guy: Why are we in different zones?
[editor: I'll tell you why. Because you're annoying. You are so frickin' annoying that your wife, who was mysteriously missing while you explained your "fear", pretended to go to the bathroom, snuck through security and changed her seat so that she wouldn't have to listen to for the next hour and a half. Here's an idea: Instead of finding God, find a topic of conversation that might be interesting to a listener. Failing that, just be quiet.]
Wife: I don't know.
Guy: They must load the aisle seats first, then the window.
[Clearly, this guy is some kind of genius.]
{Now boarding Zone 4}
Wife: That's me.
[Wow, did she move quick!]

PortPost

My first flight today was scheduled to leave around 4. My dad had a follow-up doctor visit at 1:30. Some asswipes in the UK exploded an SUV or something at an airport. Added up, it meant being dropped off at the airport around 1 and leaving my parents' place around 12:30.

At 11am, my dad comes in, dressed and ready to go. My mom asks what time we're leaving. I think this is the 5th or 6th time she's asked. Translation: we want to leave earlier.
Me: How about a little before 12:30.
Mom: OK.

That's OK as in "OK, we'll leave at 12:15, unless we leave earlier." We were in the car at 12:15. Fiddled with the GPS for 5 minutes. Got to the airport at 12:40. Fortunately, I would the new security procedures to slow me down.

The new security procedure was: after showing your ID at the security line, you had to show your ID at the security line again. Wow, do I feel safer.

Posted thanks to free airport WiFi.

Son Aquitted In Beating Mom

If you're just joining us, here's a quick recap on my dad.

Previously :
Now ;

Plus he finally has his appetite back. There will be a follow-up visit in a few weeks.

Yesterday, I played golf with my mom. After two holes, she decided we should play "match play" and, surprise, she was already up by a hole. Later, after I took the lead, she tried some mind games.
Mom: I don't think where white helps keep you cool. (I was wearing white.)

Mom: Do you see the water to the right?
Me: Yeah, I see it.
Mom: Ok, I just want to make sure because of your slice.

Then I crushed her! Not bad for someone who hasn't played in a year.

I'm soooooo looking forward to the asinine rules they have in place when I fly home tomorrow.