Apparently, I Am The Anti-Christ

What do you call a guy who's born Jewish and has nails put into his feet?

OK, then, what do you call a guy who's born Jewish and pulls nails out of his feet?



Disgusting?

What Am I Bid For This Piece Of Junk?

When a CEO of a successful company decides to retire for reasons other than they are dying, that company is about underperform the market quite a bit.
Examples: Starbucks, Dell, Apple.

Prediction:

Ebay will be sucking wind for a while.

No, It's A Fava Favicon

If you are reading this, and I'm pretty sure you are, you may notice something new.

Look. Up in the sky (or address bar).

It's a plane.

It's a bird.

No, it's a milk carton favicon! What wouldn't be more exciting than that!

PP Post

Humidifier for a penguin pedophile. How often would you adjust the output?

TP: TNG

One of the side effects of ordering 500 high-fiber snack bars from Amazon is the suggestions they make based on your order. But something that I don't want to put my finger on tells me not to order the Seventh Generation Recycled Toilet Paper. Not even if I was wearing these gloves (sold by ToiletPaperWorld).

Eww.

Update: The original post title was "TP TNG" but someone suggested the TP needed to be attached to a colon...so there you go.

Thou Shalt Not Steal

Thanks to Zimbo for this, which I stole from here just in case it got deleted.

Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker Aphorisms

1. Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers


2. Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole


3. Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry


4. Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.


5. There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings


6. "Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day."­ God.


7. God Doesn't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.


8. If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?


9. He's Dead.
   It's Been 2,000 years.
   He's Not Coming Back.
   Get OVER It Already!


10. All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.


11. Viva La Evolución!


12. Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season


13. I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist


14. Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.


15. People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs


16. Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.


17. Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!


18. GOD - APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!


19. Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK


20. God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus


21. God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.


22. When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!


23. Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
    A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.


24. You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing


25. I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.


26. Science: It Works, Bitches.


27. "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987


28. I Found God Between The Sheets


29. I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent


30. My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel


31. Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten


32. If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?


33. Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia


34. ALL Americans Are African Americans


35. I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?


36. I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God


37. The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative


38. If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?


39. JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself


40. How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can't Even Define It?


41. Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?
    A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.


42. Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex


43. I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.


44. WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.


45. The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children


46. Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War


47. Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony


48. God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?


49. When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on
    Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank Sinatra.


50. No Gods. No Mullets.

Here are some more from the comments section:

• If God had intended me to go to church, he would have given me a bigger ass to sit on and a smaller brain to think with.
• Don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church.
• We've found the body. Easter canceled.
• Atheism is myth-understood

and the reason these are so funny is because of people like jaybee who posted

Abortion: Another low self esteem whore gave a little sex in exchange for love, why kill the only good thing that will come of her existence?

Say Hello To My Little Friend......Nubbin

I was going to write something about Omar bin Laden, who married a serial-marrier and now plans a horse race across North Africa but I couldn't get past the picture which shows him with braids, not dreadlocks! Also notice that he is sporting what most people call a goatee, the kind that attaches to a mustache (actually known as a "pinch".)

Fortunately for me I have recently stopped wearing such an un-cool form of facial hair. I now sport a horseshoe mustache plus nubbin (aka royale aka soul patch aka flavor saver).

But this is just a step in the evolution. Next stop is the Franz Josef.




Then I will make a brief stop at the Friendly Mutton Chops on my way to Hulihee.






Ultimately, I hope to get to the French Fork.









Whoops! I meant Liberty Fork!

I've Got The Runs

Let's suppose you wanted to be in the Olympics. Go for the glamor of the sprints; 100m, 200m, 400m. You can't get away with taking HGH or blood doping or even pseudo-ephedrine. What can you possibly do to get an edge?

Unfortunately, all of you that were thinking "I'll cut off my legs!" are going to be disappointed. A recent IAAF ruling says that

prosthetic racing legs give [...] a clear competitive advantage.

Which explains why the Olympics are so totally overshadowed by the Paralympics. Shall the footed be banned from wheelchair racing? Quid pro quo.

Brueggemann found that Pistorius was able to run at the same speed as able bodied runners on about a quarter less energy. He found that once the runners hit a certain stride, athletes with artificial limbs needed less additional energy than other athletes.

Personally, I think this Brueggemann character has been watching too many Six Million Dollar Man re-runs.

I say, let him run. And any sprinter who feels this is unfair can cut off their legs and use the same equipment.

This Writer's Strike Is Making Me Thirsty!

In today's news, The Daily Show still sucks and I'm taking it off my TiVo.

I've joined the Blog Writers And Hackers, Hagglers And Haberdashers of America! (BWAHAHA!) because I am so underpaid. I can't even get people to pay me compliments! Maybe it's the clientèle I attract with such search phases as [all these are actual search phrases]:

• schnitzengruben
• milk that d*ck
• milk from an*s
• vibrator doesn't fit what do i do

How much worse can things get if I write about How Monkeys Pay For Sex?

The paper draws no conclusions about what these observations in monkeys mean for the human world. In fact, whether and how scientists should extrapolate from primate behavior is a fairly "big debate," says Gumert.

I guess the major media outlets have to decide between this story and the primaries. Election or erection? Clearly, the editors don't know which the American public is more interested in.

Unless you mistake the candidates for erections, which isn't hard to do.

Measure My Post

Thanks to this, you can now Rate My Posts! Now your "too lazy too comment" ass has no excuse. I realize most of you will be disappointed that you can only rate a post "5" but I'll know that you truly feel that my post is a 10".

There are over 550 in the archive, I expect you to go through all of them.

Normally, I like to proofread these but I'm sure there's no reason to today.

Update (1/23): Well, that experiment was fun but seeing how almost every post was rated 1 by one person and 5 by the only other, it wasn't very useful. Deleted!

The Daily Suckfest?

Did anybody watch The Daily Show last night? The whole thing?

I sure didn't. Holy crap! What a craptastic crapfest.

Jon. Let me explain something to you. People watch your show because it is (well, it was) funny. Nobody gives a crap what you think. Sorry to hurt your feelings but that's the way it is. No funny, no watchy.

If you want to keep your job, find a way to be funny...and fast. Stop being a holier-than-thou dick.

Or the Miracle of Nielsen will have you looking for a new job.

From TiVotee To Tivotoe

How do you keep your tootsies warm in the winter?

Well, you might say "set them on fire!" or "bury them 10 deep!" Well, you might say that if you're Rwandan or you're willing to risk your blogutation on a genocide joke.

Or you can trade hot stock tips worth tens of thousands of dollars for a TiVo referral, netting you 5000 points and the opportunity to look this stupid.

Do They Make Jokes During Masectomies?

Some time ago, I walked into an operating room. I was instructed to go behind a curtain, disrobe and put on a hospital gown. I was then directed to an operating table and told to lie down.

Then my gown was lifted to my armpits, the doctor grabbed my junk with one hand and dry shaved me with the disposable razor in the other.

"I bet you never had a guy shave you before!"

Number 1, please watch what you are doing. That's a razor, dude. A razor!
Number 2, please don't talk to me.
Number 3, it's cold in here.

Embarrassingly cold.

After a couple of injections and a slice here, a snip there, it's cauterizing time!

Me: Uhmmm.I think something's burning.
Doc: It's your balls! They're on fire!
Me: Wha!?
Doc: Just kidding! I'm just closing the ends here.

When it's all over I wonder: why did I need to go behind the privacy curtain to change?